Husband cheated - I'm a mess

[FML2]

My husband cheated a number of months ago, I found out bc I saw messages whilst he was at next to me pop up. I then looked at his phone. The only time I've done that. I then saw everything, all their messages and sexting and pictures.

I'm still so upset about it. We have 2 young children, I still have to see the OW as she is in the same town and our paths cross due to how small the town is.

He didn't tell me, I found out - which makes it worse bc I believe it would still be carrying on if he wasn't found out. I do know they only slept together once but were planning on it continuing. Their messages are so explicit and full of lust. If it matters, i counted her as a mutual friend of ours. She's not even that attractive.

I'm just still so devastated. I was happy, I thought he was happy but obviously not. He says it wasn't about me or us but can't tell me why he did it.

I thought I'd made my mind up to stay and try (so please don't all jump on with LTB) but I'm so up and down still. I'm such a mess.

I confronted the OW at the time and now have nothing to do with her. I'm so anxious I will see her when I'm out and about or with my children and what she'll think of me for staying. I've become quite reclusive and don't even like going put anymore.

I'm doing counselling but I don't know if it's helping. I've bought books and listen to podcasts casts but I just feel stagnant.

I question everything, am I too boring, am I not sexy enough, am I not exciting enough. I am a shell of a person.

Each day is a struggle, I feel I'm scraping by. Last night I just sat in the car for hours after getting home bc I couldn't face going in the house. There are days I just want to leave everything and run away and never come back. There are times I plan how I could just end it all.

This is the second time this has happened to me, so now I'm thinking it must be me.

I'm early forties, have put on a lot of weight (but already had when I met my husband) and I just feel a mess. I'm so exhausted all the time and I'm just completely broken.

FWIW he wants to make it work, he says he desperate to try but he can't tell me why he did it.

I honestly can't believe this is my life again.

you've tried.
thats the best you can do and really its not you who should have been trying.
no man should make you feel so negatively about yourself because of their actions
you deserve happiness and I promise in time you will find it without him

He doesn't deserve you

You say you've tried xyz, but what has HE tried, the feckless bastard? He should be grovelling daily at least!

It really isn’t you, don’t put any of the blame on yourself here.

Is he in counselling? Why is it you doing the inner work here? He is the one who is broken somehow, not you. He needs to be on his knees begging and showing you daily he chooses you.

I am sorry you are going through this

Have you told your H exactly the damage he has done to both you as a person and you as a couple?

He should be carrying this guilt not you.

Why do you care what OW thinks of you staying with your H to keep your family together? Surely it's more dignified than sending pictures of your vazzled vagina at the first sniff of interest?

OP you can't stay like this.
You need to reset the balance on who actually fucked this all up here.

Are you staying out of fear of being alone? That if you split up he would go running of to vazzled and you will be alone? Because surely effectively being a prisoner in your own home, or sitting in the car or feeling like it's not worth seeing your kids grow up is worse than letting OW have your cast off.

Honestly I would lay it all out to your H and ask him how he intends on fixing this, if that's possible. But that's how I would do it I'm not scared of being single or would be prepared to carry his adultery. Perhaps if you present him with an exit plan, how neither of you would see the kids full time, there would be two households to support, that you wouldn't accept being the main parent without financial contributions, that you would get a court to spell out in black and white his legal obligations. Confront him not OW.

He is also doing counselling, lets me have free rein on his phone (not that it helps), deleted social media (how he was messaging OW), provides daily reassurance to me, listens to me when I get upset, holds me when I cry which is basically daily, says he'll be there for me and won't leave me no matter how hard I push him away but I keep thinking 'he's already left me', he walked out on our relationship and marriage the moment he chose her. He says it wasn't about 'choosing' but for him it was an escape bc he was struggling in himself and acknowledges that he shouldn't have sought out her as his way of dealing with things.

Hi his choice to cheat has nothing to do with you. You are just collateral damage to his poor choices.

There is NOTHING you can do to instill the values of integrity, honesty and commitment in another human being. You are not that powerful. You could be 9 stone, giving him oral sex every evening and cooking him steak for breakfast whilst working full time earning 100k a year - but those actions cannot instill honesty, integrity or loyalty into his value system.

You don’t recognise it yet but YOU are the prize here. You really are. Your goal is getting to the point that you fully understand and appreciate why you are the prize.

Cheating and creeping around, sending grim messages and hoping for ego kibbles in return is neither sexy nor cool. It’s 15 year old in the bike shed snogging your mates girlfriend and smoking your nans silk cut cigarettes. It wasn’t cool in year 10.

Can you afford a counsellor - don’t use anyone who believes in unmet needs. It’s nonsense.

Im sorry your husband is a fool. But you are the prize here not him.

You need to surround yourself with ppl who support you and your marriage.
Are you having marriage therapy together? This is going to take time. And choices - choices to love each other, to choose connection.
Men do very very stupid things when it comes to sex and escapism.
he should be doing everything he can to help build that connection up.
look into books about the nervous system, how it works and why its important. Yours has taken a battering.
A good couples therapist will help build connection between the two of you and how to soothe the nervous system.
But it’s going to take time and it’s very early days.

If I was in your situation I would forget about him for the time being and focus on myself. Go and see your GP and have a check up, you could be rundown. Tell her about your feelings and have a chat about treatment.

Try another therapist if you weren't getting much from your first one. Try BACP and pick a few then call them until you find someone you click with.

Concentrate on your health. Eat well, lots of fruit and vegetables. Take a good multivitamin and Vitamin D. Cut down on alcohol.

Get some exercise, even if it a walk to the end of the road. Try to yoga or Tai Chi.

Keep busy so you're not dwelling on things too much.

Take your time deciding what you want to do about this. There's no need to rush. Focus on feeling better.

Don't do this to yourself. You're becoming anxious, afraid you will see her, that other people will know etc. that's a sign that really staying with him is going to do lasting damage to you as a person. It's ruining your self worth. I'm not saying ltb because he cheated I'm saying ltb because those feelings are your gut telling you that it isn't right to stay. You will end up even more fragile and vulnerable, what if he does this again? He's already touched what you had, don't let him burn through your self respect and enjoyment of life as well.

Women don’t need men and husbands. As soon as you accept this you can make plans for your future.

You poor thing. Please, please don’t hold yourself responsible for this. This is not your fault. This is not about you, or how you look, or how you are. This is on him. It’s all him. He’s just a shitty person. As is she.

I know you don’t want to hear LTB but I’m going to say it anyway. Staying with him is destroying you from the inside out and you don’t need this. You are so much better than him.

What was he struggling with?

If he didn’t want to be with you anymore he should have told you that and separate not lie and cheat on you. I’m sorry you are feeling rubbish I think even though you are feeling that way at the moment you know you deserve to be treated better than this x

The website Surviving Infidelity also has good resources.
The book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass
and How to help my spouse heal from my affair is another one you should read.

Mitchell ‘cheating in a nutshell’ will explain many emotions but may kill off your respect for him.

I am not anti reconciliation. I will warn you many relationships split at 3-5 years as that is when you will see him differently. Your healing will be progressing too. You won’t see him the same. So you must work on yourself. I wish you happiness but as I said earlier - this isn’t your fault. You are only collateral damage. And you are the real catch. Honest, faithful and trying to forgive. He’s sleazy, sneaky and a liar. No comparison.

Live by your values daily. Write them down and live by them every day. Even in those days you want to sit in your car and stare into space. Remember your values.

The book ‘love yourself like your life depends on it’ by Ravikant is a great book with simple instructions. It’s worth a read too.

“I question everything, am I too boring, am I not sexy enough, am I not exciting enough. I am a shell of a person.”

Right well, get this one fact straight - his cheating has nothing at all to do with anything you have said or done or are. What is has to do with is the fact that he is selfish and arrogant and did it because he could and he fancied doing so. Please do not ever think it had anything to do with you again - it’s a natural thing to think, but it’s totally and utterly wrong in the case that you describe.

This is not your fault.

Shakira’s husband did the dirt on her, I mean, come on!

Your self worth is battered. You need to build yourself up somehow. Therapy, self-help books, women’s support groups, find something that will work for you.

Then you consider if your marriage is worth staying in.

Any chance you can stay somewhere else for a few days to clear your head? It might help to save some space at least. I know you don't want LTB comments, but I wouldn't ever be able to move on from my partner cheating and I'd 100% leave. It seems like it's impacting your mental health, op, is it really worth it? Sending hugs.

Thank you all. I appreciate the kind comments and advice. I've kept this inside for so long, it's helpful to talk about it.

I know I need to be doing more for myself. I need to exercise, I need to focus on my diet but it just feels over whelming. I am on citalapram to help and vit D, folic acid bc my levels were low. My gp otherwise wasn't that bothered about how I was feeling.

@allthatfalafel all he has said is that he was feeling depressed and a failure. A failure at life and as a father. He enjoyed the flattery and 'escape' it provided. Although, he actively pursued her, so he sought it out. Our youngest was very poorly at birth requiring a nicu stay for a number of weeks and we both struggled during this time. We didn't really deal with it bc we just had to get on with having a new born. He has said he is still struggling with that too.

My issue with this explanation is I had PND and trauma around the birth but I didn't cheat. Maybe I see things as too black and white.

We are considering marriage counselling, he's all for it. I'm more hesitant bc I don't feel I can commit fully, I don't know why.

When my last partner cheated, I had my older child who was a young baby at the time, so I've been through this once before. I'm not afraid to be single, and I know I can do it on my own as Ive done it before. I could afford to take the house over and bills but it feels different this time - like I don't want to throw in the towel just yet but I also don't want to be 3/5 years down the line and still feeling like this. I'm scared of making the wrong decision.

@Losthetrust tbh I never thought I would stay either. This is completely against type for me. Since my other relationship ended with him cheating, I was so adamant then that I was done. It was almost a relief. But this time I don't know what to do for the best.

My head says leave but my feelings are to stay. As cliche as that is

You don't have to decide right now. You don't have to decide tomorrow or next week, even. Give it a bit of time and maybe have some space away from him and I'm sure you will know the answer soon enough

Maybe it is just to appease me and everything is still a lie @DrewPeadrawers

At the time he started it was more so he could have a safe space to talk about why he thinks he did what he did and to try and understand it

The trust is gone. I don’t think you will feel better all the time you are trying to flog this dead horse of a relationship.

You do deserve happiness and I think you will be much happier single.

Morning, OP. We're sorry to hear you're going through such a hard time and feeling so low. We're glad to see you getting lots of support here but in case it helps, here's a link to our Mental Health webguide which has lots of numbers and other contacts for help.