Husband cheated - I'm a mess

[FML2]

My husband cheated a number of months ago, I found out bc I saw messages whilst he was at next to me pop up. I then looked at his phone. The only time I've done that. I then saw everything, all their messages and sexting and pictures.

I'm still so upset about it. We have 2 young children, I still have to see the OW as she is in the same town and our paths cross due to how small the town is.

He didn't tell me, I found out - which makes it worse bc I believe it would still be carrying on if he wasn't found out. I do know they only slept together once but were planning on it continuing. Their messages are so explicit and full of lust. If it matters, i counted her as a mutual friend of ours. She's not even that attractive.

I'm just still so devastated. I was happy, I thought he was happy but obviously not. He says it wasn't about me or us but can't tell me why he did it.

I thought I'd made my mind up to stay and try (so please don't all jump on with LTB) but I'm so up and down still. I'm such a mess.

I confronted the OW at the time and now have nothing to do with her. I'm so anxious I will see her when I'm out and about or with my children and what she'll think of me for staying. I've become quite reclusive and don't even like going put anymore.

I'm doing counselling but I don't know if it's helping. I've bought books and listen to podcasts casts but I just feel stagnant.

I question everything, am I too boring, am I not sexy enough, am I not exciting enough. I am a shell of a person.

Each day is a struggle, I feel I'm scraping by. Last night I just sat in the car for hours after getting home bc I couldn't face going in the house. There are days I just want to leave everything and run away and never come back. There are times I plan how I could just end it all.

This is the second time this has happened to me, so now I'm thinking it must be me.

I'm early forties, have put on a lot of weight (but already had when I met my husband) and I just feel a mess. I'm so exhausted all the time and I'm just completely broken.

FWIW he wants to make it work, he says he desperate to try but he can't tell me why he did it.

I honestly can't believe this is my life again.

You need to read the book - Lose a cheater, gain a life. Sending you so much love. I'm so sorry you are going through this xx

He says it wasn't about me or us but can't tell me why he did it.
Because he can. I see in your further updates that he has subsequently made it because he was feeling like a failure etc but honestly some men are quite happy in their primary relationships and cheat simply because they think they can. As he didn't volunteer this reasoning to begin with, I would wonder if he came up with a reason, any reason, just to to give you a reason. You know him though, and you are best placed to work out if this is the case.

Does he want some reading? I recall seeing a book written by a man, for men who have cheated who want to understand how to repair things, it's called Out of the Doghouse.

If you want to exercise and diet etc then go for it to improve your health. But don't do it to be more attractive to 'compete'. It's not about looks, honestly, it's about the OW being different. I've known primary partners who are so pretty, kind, funny, talented and utterly adorable still be cheated on with people who are conventionally less than them in those regards. It's not about looks or achievements or any of that, it's simply because their partners can. You're good enough already, I assure you!

This

Part of the immense problem caused solely by your husband is that he was disgusting enough and had so much contempt that he purposely chose someone who lived in the same small town as him.

Please don't take his issues onto yourself. It isn't you, it is for him to fix and it sounds like he can't be bothered.

Hey OP.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I am too. I found out less than a week ago that my H was cheating on me.

I have some of the same emotions as you however I asked him to leave and the space away from him has really helped me see through the fog a bit and realise that there have some red flags over the years that I've just ignored.

Also like you, I've been on my own before with my DC due to my 1st H cheating and know I can do it and be just fine.

You have had some great advice here. Please take it. There is no rush for you to do anything right now. Take the time pressure off yourself, allow yourself to feel however you feel and spend time on your own outside.

Your brain will continue to ask questions and your gut / feelings / instincts will answer them. Listen to yourself and trust yourself. Most importantly love yourself like you do your DC.

I've told him it's over. I can't carry on like this. I'm so miserable. I honestly thought last night of just driving off and not stopping. I honestly don't know how I'll get through Christmas with the children.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this OP, you’re doing the right thing in walking away. I know it doesn’t feel like it right now but you can get through this, you have the added knowledge that you’ve been through this before, you got through it then and you’ll get through it now. Take the time you need to process, feel the sadness, and give yourself grace to work through this.

One step at a time and one breath at a time @FML2.
And prioritise you and your self care.
I feel for you, I really do. Well done for telling him it's over.

No matter what, you will be better being on your own with your children than with him being there. If he is there then you will just be constantly reminded of what he has done.

You have made the right decision.

Stay strong and sending lots of love ❤