Struggling with my husbands health

[Crawling104]

I’ll try keep it brief.
Married 13 years two children 12 and 10.
When we were in our 20s he had ibs symptoms and was incidentally found to have fatty liver. He wasn’t massively overweight. Maybe a stone. Since then he has had a spell of up and down crash diets and then gaining back weight to the point now where he’s probably about 18/19 stone? Just a guess. He is tall at 6ft 2 but obviously still very obese.
A blood test at the doctors when he had to go in for a routine procedure showed he was in pre diabetes. This was about 5 years ago.
Hes continued to ignore the problem. Make tiny efforts but never anything enough to make a dent in things. He was supposed to go back for repeat blood tests to keep things under observation but he’s just ignored it.
Fast forward to now and he needs surgery on a hernia he has but his pre assessment have just refused him since his HBA1c levels were sky high. About 82 I think he said. So obviously it’s diabetes.

A few years ago I gave him an ultimatum. I’m not going to be his carer. I’m not being the food police or giving him advice or explaining to him what he should and shouldn’t eat anymore as he just chooses to stay ignorant. Despite the fact he is intelligent enough to read and learn for himself what to do.

His dad has a terrible medical history. He also has type 2 diabetes. Is blind. Had dialysis 3 times a week. Chronic leg ulcers. Memory issues. Heart failure. I’ve watched his mum just become his carer and I’ve made it very clear I will not be doing this.

I was a stay at home mum for a good while but when he got his pre diabetes diagnosis I could see where this was going so I made sure I got myself a job. So thankfully I’ve been working full time for the past 3 years. I only earn a little above minimum wage but I’m in a good position where I’ve got progression in my job and I’m looking at a promotion next year once I’ve finished a course I’m on.

The annoying thing is we are happy! He’s a great dad, we have so much fun together. Enjoy each others company. He’s supportive of me in my career. He is there for us in every way anyone could possibly want. Apart from this.

As I explained to him in past years I do not have it in me to be his support again. I’ve done all of it so many times. Making him healthy lunches to take to work, having the children on my own extra so that he can go to the gym, discussing food options, reminding him when he’s not making good choices. Trying to persuade him to go back to the doctors for his check ups. I just don’t have it in me again to do all this and watch him make a little bit of progress then give in.

I don’t know what to do now. I’ve seen our future.

I think my resentment of him will just ruin our relationship. I won’t be taking him to appointments or managing his care at all so what kind of marriage is that going to be.

Im already pissed that I’ve booked in annual leave for his surgery. Moved some of my course dates around with work so I’ll be able to take our youngest to school and look after everything at home whilst he recovers and now it’s all cancelled because he’s just neglected to look after himself.

I don’t even know what I want from this. It’s heartbreaking.

I’m considering starting up a separate savings account just for me so that when the children are no longer dependent and our relationship has deteriorated I can have a bit of extra money to make things easier. But if I tell him I’m doing this it would break him. He’s not a bad man.

I’m so sorry.

he will become his father if he already has diabetes now - it is horrendous disease and he will only get sicker as he ages.

i think he needs a bit of tough love - you are 100% in the right with your thoughts about this, you are watching a man you love kill himself slowly. Well done for working and look for that promotion.

Have you both tried therapy?

Is the underlying issue over eating and unhealthy eating??

if so - mounjaro is a game changer.

You need to talk to him and tell him the truth. Tell him that you love him and because of that you’re going to give him some hard truths. Then tell him exactly what you’ve said here. You want him to be healthy because you want a healthy husband and father for the children. You want him to set a good example for the children because he’s just following in his fathers footsteps and they might follow in his. Find out what support he needs to make changes. Could you afford a personal trainer to hold him accountable for his weight management and exercise? Does he need to see a dietitian to get his diet under control and suitable for type 2 diabetes? Is he depressed? What state is his mental health in? This might be a major factor. Tell him you’ll support him if he puts in the effort to make changes and sort this out but not if he ignores the problem any longer. Tell him you’re pissed off that you made all these changes and worked your ass off to accommodate his care needs for his operation but now it’s not even happening. Tell him you’re concerned and you don’t want to be his carer or worse, his widow. It’s crunch time. And if he won’t do anything about it, you have to consider if you want to stay in the relationship. I fully believe in sticking with your marriage in sickness and in health but not when it’s self inflicted and he’s continuing to actively make it worse instead of trying to get better. That’s bullshit. It’s self harm and it needs to be addressed.

This might work to get the weight off but he still needs to work on the underlying issues that are driving the over eating and unhealthy choices. For this he needs to learn about healthier choices and work on his mindset.

I think it’s a really hard situation because it’s one he has total control over, if he wants to take it. Did he receive any support when he was told about the pre-diabetes? I know there is a 9 month course you can be referred to but if he now has Type 2 then he wouldn’t be eligible.

I think if you’re otherwise happy, love and respect each other, I’d be having a real sit down serious chat about this. Maybe he struggles to make these changes- lots of people have a really difficult relationship with food- and it may be that actually he does want to do it but needs more support to be able to stick at it. That support doesn’t have to be you, it could be in the form of a professional, even therapy, but he may need that support. If it is that he wants to change but needs extra help to do so then that to me would be workable.

If though it just that he just doesn’t want to change, can’t be bothered, then you’ve got a decision to make.

I completely understand why you don't want to become a carer. It seems as though his behaviour is learned from his dad.

The only thing I can suggest is support for him as he navigates this. Overeaters Anonymous, therapy, there are healthy eating groups through your GP and on meetup.com various groups for peer on peer support. Hub of Hope is another resource to see what's available locally.

His behaviour is obviously deeply entrenched and there's only so much you can do.

He had a personal trainer for a while but didn’t keep up with it. He just didn’t renew at the end of a block of sessions and it faded away.
I already discussed this with him when he had his pre diabetes diagnosis and told him the hard truths so really I feel like I’m at the doing something stage.
I’m not fully sure what the root of the issue is. He doesn’t seem depressed, he’s quite open in discussing his feelings so he’s never alluded to that. He enjoys his job. He’s got friends he sees once a week or so. We aren’t well off but we can make ends meet. He says he’s happy with our relationship.

Hes not 100% not tried but he just does stupid big gestures that don’t last. He spent over £200 on food replacement shakes once that he never touched. He’s been a gym member on and off which has never lasted. He isn’t inactive though he does walk most days on the school run and to the shops and with the dog. He’s far from lazy.

So, what do you think to the suggestion about weight loss jabs op? They really work.

I agree that mounjaro would probably solve the issue is the short term and also in the king term if he is able to stay on maintenance dose once he hits target weight.

Yes, it's expensive, but so is a personal trainer, eating loads of crap food and divorce.

Just ask him.

Do you have any intention on getting your health under control or not? When? How? Starting now? It's your choice if you don't but I need to know.

I am not quite clear from your post (and this may be my issue not yours, as other posters I think have grasped the situation).

You said he was a little overweight, but now is very obese? Is that correct? Does he have an extremely bad diet?

Would you say he has a food addiction?

If so I would say the solution is to treat it like any other addiction (although food addition I believe is harder to treat because you can't go for total abstinence and just stop eating).

But, rather than necessarily nagging him about healthy foods etc (which I know you do with the best of intentions, don't get me wrong) the best thing would be to encourage him into some form of counselling or other support that could deal with the root of the problem, which is the way he is feeling and thinking about himself and about food.

Just like, if you were married to someone with alcohol addiction issues, you wouldn't argue about each drink - you would encourage them into therapy.

Like all forms of addiction, he actually can recover from it. All people with addictions are different, but there are definitely common factors also, and beating it is about learning your triggers and how to overcome them, and reframing your thinking about emotional pain and how to cope with it .....

Ultimately, you aren't obliged to support him with this if it is too much. Your first responsibilities are to yourself and your kids.

Do you still love him? And are you in love with him?

No he didn’t receive support with the pre diabetes. He was told to return to the GP for a repeat blood test in a few months and I think given a leaflet.
But we discussed it in great length at the time and I had the ultimatum about not being his carer etc etc yet here we are a few years later.

I can’t bring myself to be the supportive partner I need to be because I’ve invested into it so many times and only ended up hurt and frustrated when he doesn’t take on the responsibility himself.

He’s probably buried his head in the sand about it and doesn’t remember. But I remember when we were expecting our second child and he publicly announced to all his family and me that he was going to change. He did lose quite a lot of weight at this point to be fair but it lasted only a few months.

I don’t have the energy to have another emotional discussion with him about it. We’ve already done it over and over.

Hes gone to a family party today and I’ve stayed home to have some space and thinking time.

Yes I still love him. Very very much. And in love with him.

He was a little overweight when we got married. Maybe a stone or so. But now he’s quite a bit more than that, I don’t know how much he weighs or what BMI range that puts him in. But he’s physically ok at the moment not overweight at the point it restricts his movement and life.

See for me the fact he didn’t renew PT, bought the weight loss shakes and never opened them, plus the yoyo diet aspect you mentioned tells me that he does want to do it, he just doesn’t know how and is looking for a quick fix.

If he wants to change there is support out there to do it, but it’s a long term thing. Permanent change to a healthy lifestyle doesn’t look like 6 gym sessions a week and living on shakes, it looks more like focusing on 10k steps a day and looking at portion control, eating more protein, bulking meals out with veg, swapping a big bag of crisps with a smaller one, then looking at swimming, or a gym class etc. He has to want to change but I would day I don’t think threatening to leave will make any difference if the issue is he doesn’t know how to do it because he will reach for the short cuts that don’t work long term, it sets him up to fail. Meal replacement shakes would easily help me lose 5lb in a week, but if all I do is drink them and not educate myself, unpick bad habits or start healthy habits, then the second I stop the shakes and start eating again I’d be right back where I started. That sounds to me like where he is, he has the intentions, the PT, the shakes, but neither is a long term fix and neither addresses the root of the issues.

Lots of people have a difficult relationship with food, they see food as a friend, comfort, something for celebrating and commiserating, a companion in boredom, it’s really hard to unpick those habits and get to the bottom of it. It’s something he would have to want to do enough to seek support in doing so.

I will mention the weight loss injections to him. He will be having a doctors appointment soon so I am hoping he takes some ownership of the problem and discusses it with them.
He definitely can’t do it on his own with diet and willpower alone. It doesn’t work.

I’m not threatening to leave I’m just seriously considering it now because otherwise I stay and become his carer by default. And I don’t know at what point I should abandon an otherwise perfectly good relationship to avoid this.

Ive seen it happen to his mum. Her life is miserable. They don’t have a marriage anymore, she just has to do everything for him.

I would be honest with him and say you will divorce him before becoming his carer. The description of your jobs doesn't suggest you have funds to hire someone to be a carer, so unless you commit to your divorcing plan, you will be his carer if he gets sick.

Marriage vows don't say 'In sickness and in health, unless this is as a result of lifestyle choices within your control' so he's probably trusting that you wouldn't turn him out if it came to it, so you need to get this very clearly across to him. Then the ball will be fairly in his court.

I don’t know op. Don’t get me wrong, you are more than justified in your frustration, but ultimately loving someone is about accepting them, faults and all, I reckon. But I appreciate that loving someone in sickness and in health, when the health part is partially self inflicted, is really hard.

You can’t change people. You would hope that this incident with the cancellation of the operation will give him a massive wake up call. Along with a serious chat with you.

You could try reminding him that looking after everyone else and his children, does mean looking after himself too.

He may have other reasons, such as stress, as to why he finds weight loss difficult though.

Having a fatty liver at twenty when only a stone overweight is a bit unusual isn’t it? So there could be some genetic predisposition going on too? Or was he a big drinker? In which case some counselling might be in order?

Counselling might be helpful anyway as weight loss is all about head space and mind set imho.

It’s good to hope for the best and prepare for the worst, but honestly, he is not going to thrive and make healthy changes because of ultimatums or friction with his wife. It just doesn’t work that way imho. Rather the reverse!

And why look so far in to the future? I sincerely hope not, but it could be you who gets ill or is run over by a bus!

Sorry op. I know that’s probably not what you wanted to hear. But you have choices and it is indeed up to you what you do with them. I just think that in a loving relationship you have to be committed to stick it in good times and bad. Good luck.

Too late to edit: meant to say quite young for fatty liver in his 20s, not when twenty.

No he’s never been a big drinker. He doesn’t drink at all now. Maybe one or two at Christmas.
It sounds like denial but I do feel like he’s predisposed to problems like this and whilst he doesn’t have a healthy diet he’s definitely not having takeaways every night or going through loads of sugary drinks, so his problems do seem disproportionate to his lifestyle somewhat. Almost like he’s got no flexibility whatsoever to eat a little unhealthy, his body makes him pay for it straight away.

Thanks for all the advice I really appreciate it. I’m taking it all in.

I think you are dead right. His blood sugar levels are off the chart and have been damaging his body already.

Can you give it 6 months and if he's not trying to control his blood sugar then end things? Tell him you're not prepared to enable his total lack of self care.

Honestly my sister is the same, she's a teacher and very knowledgeable about it all yet still eats a ton of carbs, won't lose weight despite diabetes, arthritis, fatty liver....

I think the big difference between staying with him through a faultless/accidental illness and becoming his carer or him not controlling his health and diet and ending up with diabetes is the resentment.
Im very angry he’s let it get to this point despite all the discussions, the support and guidance he’s received over the years. Not to mention the blaring warnings he’s received.

It’s not as if he’s been a bit neglectful and let himself go and been diagnosed with this. It’s his whole adult life. I stupidly thought I could support him through it and the threat of ending up like his dad would be enough to mean he didn’t also do the same but obviously not.

The thing is though do you actually know everything he eats? I work with a man who’s wife would say they both eat really healthily, she always comments that she has no idea where his weight comes from very openly, at home he absolutely does eat well. But what she doesn’t see is the Greggs breakfast he brings into work or the breakfast he goes to get from the cafe at work and eats in the office, she doesn’t see the bags of crisps, chocolate bars and 1.5L bottle of coke he eats and drinks at his desk all day, she doesn’t see the McDonald’s he has on a Friday afternoon before he goes home and eats the healthy dinner she has prepared, or the biscuits and cakes he brings back from the office kitchen with every cup of coffee he makes in a day. It’s a hard one because it can be so easy to eat secretly and so really other than the person nobody knows if they are eating what they say they are.

I wouldn’t say he eats healthily at home but he does eat the normal home cooked meals we make ie spag Bol, Soup, roast dinners. It’s probably all a bit carb heavy for someone watching their weight but just average stuff. Neither me or children are overweight. But I think you’re right it’s all the other bits. He gets a sausage roll when he’s out to keep him going till lunch. Or if we have McDonald’s as a treat he always gets an extra burger with his. The small things add up. He really likes a sandwich with corned beef in it which I’ve told him is high in saturated fats but he just says well it’s better than having a takeaway. Me and the kids don’t eat stuff like that.

Sorry, I haven't read the whole thread, but would he try the low carb diet? My late husband did this when diagnosed with T2. He lost lots of weight and put the diabetes into remission. His GP was very pleased with the results. He tested his blood sugars regularly and they were in normal range after quite a short time. Our surgery did a 1 day course for newly diagnosed T2s and the low carb diet was a big part of the solution.