Struggling with my husbands health

[Crawling104]

I’ll try keep it brief.
Married 13 years two children 12 and 10.
When we were in our 20s he had ibs symptoms and was incidentally found to have fatty liver. He wasn’t massively overweight. Maybe a stone. Since then he has had a spell of up and down crash diets and then gaining back weight to the point now where he’s probably about 18/19 stone? Just a guess. He is tall at 6ft 2 but obviously still very obese.
A blood test at the doctors when he had to go in for a routine procedure showed he was in pre diabetes. This was about 5 years ago.
Hes continued to ignore the problem. Make tiny efforts but never anything enough to make a dent in things. He was supposed to go back for repeat blood tests to keep things under observation but he’s just ignored it.
Fast forward to now and he needs surgery on a hernia he has but his pre assessment have just refused him since his HBA1c levels were sky high. About 82 I think he said. So obviously it’s diabetes.

A few years ago I gave him an ultimatum. I’m not going to be his carer. I’m not being the food police or giving him advice or explaining to him what he should and shouldn’t eat anymore as he just chooses to stay ignorant. Despite the fact he is intelligent enough to read and learn for himself what to do.

His dad has a terrible medical history. He also has type 2 diabetes. Is blind. Had dialysis 3 times a week. Chronic leg ulcers. Memory issues. Heart failure. I’ve watched his mum just become his carer and I’ve made it very clear I will not be doing this.

I was a stay at home mum for a good while but when he got his pre diabetes diagnosis I could see where this was going so I made sure I got myself a job. So thankfully I’ve been working full time for the past 3 years. I only earn a little above minimum wage but I’m in a good position where I’ve got progression in my job and I’m looking at a promotion next year once I’ve finished a course I’m on.

The annoying thing is we are happy! He’s a great dad, we have so much fun together. Enjoy each others company. He’s supportive of me in my career. He is there for us in every way anyone could possibly want. Apart from this.

As I explained to him in past years I do not have it in me to be his support again. I’ve done all of it so many times. Making him healthy lunches to take to work, having the children on my own extra so that he can go to the gym, discussing food options, reminding him when he’s not making good choices. Trying to persuade him to go back to the doctors for his check ups. I just don’t have it in me again to do all this and watch him make a little bit of progress then give in.

I don’t know what to do now. I’ve seen our future.

I think my resentment of him will just ruin our relationship. I won’t be taking him to appointments or managing his care at all so what kind of marriage is that going to be.

Im already pissed that I’ve booked in annual leave for his surgery. Moved some of my course dates around with work so I’ll be able to take our youngest to school and look after everything at home whilst he recovers and now it’s all cancelled because he’s just neglected to look after himself.

I don’t even know what I want from this. It’s heartbreaking.

I’m considering starting up a separate savings account just for me so that when the children are no longer dependent and our relationship has deteriorated I can have a bit of extra money to make things easier. But if I tell him I’m doing this it would break him. He’s not a bad man.

He’s done the paleo diet when that was popular which I think is similar? And he had great success with it.
He knows what to do and what works he just won’t stick to it.

I could have written your post OP. I'm in a very similar situation.

My husband is really overweight. His family are all diabetic. He's heading that way too and has been for years

I have spoken honestly to him. My fear is becoming his carer.

We've been together for 12 years now and nothing much has ever changed. I genuinely love him. We get on so well and have shared interested and our own lives. There's no 'side' to him. Really decent man, pulls his weight at home. Hardworking etc.

I have dropped the rope now.

I wouldn't have the life I have if I made a decision to split. I have decided that nothing would be better if we split. I would miss him terribly. I'd be miserable.

So I have made my peace with the fact that this could be my life.

But it might not. He might just keep being fat and I get cancer and die before him? He wouldn't leave me if I got unwell.

I'm reading the responses and just giving you my thoughts

Yes - if you can afford it he could try this. It works! It also takes away cravings and he might feel a lot better about managing it himself

Sorry for quoting all this - I don't know how to be selective on the android app (story of my life.....)

If there IS the possibility that he is struggling with food addiction, can I recommend the SMART Recovery handbook? My addiction issues weren't with food, but I know the processes are supposed to work with all forms of addiction. It literally saved my life. (There are meetings you can attend too - on line or in person - it's a bit like AA I suppose but maybe gentler? It doesn't promote the whole "once an addict, always an addict" thing, tho it does advise total abstinence. Unless your addiction is food or sex obviously).

Even if he isn't an "addict" as such, it does sound like he needs to work on life balance, how he processes his emotions etc maybe? And the workbook contains great exercises to help with that.

(I swear I didn't write it! I only wish I had....)

If he would be willing to read it , some of it might strike a chord.....

And, I wanted to say how sorry I am that you still love/are in love this man. For different reasons (mine were financial/connected to future expectations and priorities - so maybe not wholly dissimilar) I too have recently taken the tough decision to leave a man I still love and am still in love with. Hardest thing I have ever done, though I do think I have made the right decision. Sad to say love doesn't conquer all....

But I hope you and your fella find a way through this and get a better ending.

Above all, keep talking honestly! You can rarely have too much communication in a relationship. Keep telling him you love him, giving him those reasons to change..... But when it becomes too much for you, you of course have the right to leave. Anyone can leave anyone at any time, for any reason or none. One life - you deserve to live it happily.

Thanks for this. I like your way of looking at it. I don’t think my life would be better if we split up either.

Unless something else happens to me or him though it’s definitely our future. He’s not going to suddenly stop getting complications from the diabetes sadly.

So really it’s just stay and put up with it and of course anything could happen to either of us, or I’ll become his carer and resent it.

Or I make a decision that that’s not the future I want for myself and make my plans to leave. I wouldn’t be looking for another partner though as they’d never live up to him.

My father in laws decline has been steady over the years and I’ve watched it. 15 years ago he was mobile, independent, albeit with heart problems but he wasn’t disabled. Now he’s blind, incontinent, bed/wheelchair bound and spends 3 days a week in hospital on dialysis. So I think it’s not just that my husband will probably be a bit more unwell than the average person, it’s absolutely devastating how it destroys a person slowly but surely.

I want to spend my retirement being free and enjoying it. And hopefully I will have my health and I will be able to enjoy travel and hobbies. Not dealing with all the awfulness that my mother in law has to on a daily basis.

@Crawling104 this all sounds really difficult and you sound exhausted by it. How old is his dad? Sorry if I have missed it. It is terrifying to hear about his dad's health problems and fear your husband will end up with the same.

I totally understand your thinking. Not the same but I have a chronic neurological illness, I do my absolute best to manage it and reduce its impact on our life. Likewise my husband is recovering from depression, he forces himself in a daily walk and is working on his anxiety and sleep hygiene.

For me it would be the lack of effort, the lack of self care that I would find deeply unattractive. We all have challenges in our life and marriage but I totally understand that you are done being the cheer team to sort him. He needs to take accountability himself. I think you need to honestly and openly tell him how serious your feelings are. Don't suggest a plan or a diet, it has to come from him.

At least he will clearly know where you stand and with the facts he can decide if he wants to do anything about it.

Really difficult,you have my sympathy x

If his HBA1c is 82 then he isn’t pre-diabetic, he already has type 2 diabetes.

when I was in my early/mid 20’s I didn’t look after myself, I was never overweight but I drank too much, smoked and loved my life as if I didn’t have diabetes.

by the time I was in my early 30’s , I had lost the sight in one of my eyes, had 7 eye operations, got ED, Peyronies, and a toe infection which was so painful I nearly wanted to die and was 24 hours away from losing it.

for the last 5 years, my HBA1c has been near perfect at 50 ish, but the damage has already been done. And as you age; even with good control your body and immune system weakens which leaves diabetica susceptible to all sorts of nasty things.

there was a podcast earlier this year, with a medical professor speaking about diabetes: he said he would rather have aids over diabetes , that’s how much of a horrible disease it is.

at 18/19 stone your DH is around 3 stone overweight, possibly 4. Unlike type 1 diabetes, those with type two can control it and its effects much more easily but ONLY is they adjust their lifestyle.

A diabetic is FOUR times more likely to suffer / die from heart disease than someone without diabetes - I’d suggest he gets on the forums of diabetes uk / .org and frank talk so he can see his future is he doesn’t change…

Yes unfortunately I know all this already.

I know he’s already diabetic. And I know how terrible it is.

His dad has just turned 70.

I think that’s the issue. I’m in no way perfect. I have gained weight at times of stress and had to lose about a stone and a half I know it’s not easy. But it’s the fact he just ignores it. Doesn’t go for blood tests, doesn’t think about it at all. Just buries his head in the sand despite me being quite upfront with him about it all.

I have been through this as a man, i always yo yo dieted etc. I am fundamentally lazy in things like going to the gym due to the overall time it takes. So 4 years ago when I became a grandpa I decided to take control, someone said what if your weight/fitness got in the way of saving your children or grandchildren if they really needed your help, that hit hard as a man.

So to combat my laziness I decided to make everything as easy as possible. I like to go for walks but for quick cardio I got a VR headset… https://www.meta.com/gb/quest/ they are ready to go in under 30 seconds for boxing, HIIT etc.

I bought one of these for weight resistance training and I’m stronger that I’ve ever been in my life… https://www.jaquishbiomedical.com/products/x3-bar/
It sets up in 30 seconds and I do it 4 times a week while watching TV, takes 15 mins.

For food I must turn things on its head so I get more protein each meal. I eat 2 slices of toast but with 4 eggs, keeps me full and helps build me stronger.

I also enjoy researching now into other ways to improve my health. There is so much info on YouTube.

He just needs to make it quick and easy so he feels like he’s beating the system.

I hope he gets there as it’s a nice place to be.

Get him on WLI asap it will change his life hopefully. It is not too late for him to change things around. He is still young.

Maybe I should drip feed that my job requires me to have knowledge of health conditions and operations, blood results and the signs and symptoms of diseases so I’m certainly not seeing things from a place of ignorance on that front. I think that’s what makes it even worse!

I do think he would love weight loss injections if they give him a fairly quick result to get him started. Maybe I could suggest he talks to the doctor about that when/if he goes.

He’s unlikely to get them from his NHS doctor, it would be a case of paying for that privately.

The problem with the weight loss injections though is that they are expensive and unless he is going to stay on them for life, or is going to spend the time while on them actively trying to fix his mindset and relationship with food & exercise, he’s only going to put all of the weight back on again as soon as he comes off them. It’s just another version of the shakes really.

It does sound as though there is a hereditary element to his diabetes, which makes it very hard, for him, and for you op.

To widen the conversation a bit, I think there are moments in committed partnerships where you come up against the fact that the person you are with, will not really change that much. And you then have to choose to carry on loving them or you don't.

I am not saying that staying is always the right thing btw. Some couples develop a sort of unhealthy dependency which isn't right either.

And sometimes you see couples split and they both go to the gym, go on diets and buy new wardrobes, travel, start new hobbies, and you think "why couldn't they do all of that when married?'

Only you will know in time what is right in your particular circumstances op. if you tell your DH how you are feeling, I suppose that gives him fair warning. In fact it's a second warning as you already gave him an ultimatum a few years ago. It's up to him now 💐

Sounds as if his genetics are loaded against him. A stone overweight at 6ft 2 would not cause fatty liver and diabetes in most people.

This is a genuine question - I posted that I have similar circumstances up thread.

Has anyone ever actually had an ultimatum work? Either giving or being given one?

I think of it as like a warning shot that the relationship is going to end.

If in this (or my) circumstances the husband did take responsibility, lose weight etc then is that it? Happily ever after or would this be like a sticking plaster - kicking the can down the road when all the original habits seep back in.

Actually I can see an ultimatum might work with alcohol/smoking/gambling or something but this is so much more. It's the husband's personality and way of thinking.

As I said I'm in the same position so I don't have answers.

Oh and I meant to say he has had one parent die of diabetic complications and he himself had a health scare last year. So the wake up call didn't do much either.

Some trusts are now prescribing them for diabetic patients that have other issues such as high bmi etc. not sure if it’s for type 1/2 as that’s an area I know nothing about.

im in a mounjaro support group that have many diabetics prescribed it.

We could manage to pay for them privately but then I’m reluctant to spend a fortune on something if it’s just going to be another failed and forgotten attempt. Which I feel it would be if, as someone already mentioned, he didn’t address the reasons behind the problem in the first place.

He is not a great dad if he isn’t looking after his health. He won’t be able to be a good dad to they in the future if his health gets worse. Op please don’t end up as his carer.
My ex H had fatty liver and we controlled his diet and alcohol. He is fine now and in great shape.

I had to do an ultimatum (about something else) and it did work.

But you have to really mean it. It's no good doing it in the hope they'll see sense. They might but that can't be your main motivation. As in, actually see a lawyer, find accommodation for you and the kids etc.

I think I would be tempted to give him an ultimatum. Say 6 months to make a proper effort, or you’re gone. What does he say about his parents’ situation? Does he not see his Mother’s miserable life? What does he say when you point out that’s what he will be subjecting you to in the future.

I think I would be reading him the riot act to be honest, and follow through with separating (if necessary) as that is the only way he will take you seriously. All the while you just carry on being passive, he has no reason to change.

Good luck!

Well he's probably in deep deep denial. Of course he sees what's happening with his parents!

I agree , get him the injections .

My dad died of T2 diabetes and drunk , overate and drunk way too much alcohol . He paid the ultimate price ..

Dad died a horrible death and had rotten legs from the knees down but they couldn't amputate due to his heart being too weak .

We paid carers to come in as he was doubly incontinent and mum couldn't cope .

I wish the injections were around 20 years ago. Dad might be alive now 💔

Hi OP,

Mounjaro is going to be 'rolled out' by the NHS soon, but demand is likely to be very high. However it looks like your DH would be a prime candidate for early participation as diabetics will be first in the queue. But there are a lot of diabetics. If you have the cash, it is relatively simple to obtain privately. Look at the 'Weight loss injections' threads in the 'Big Slim Whatever' MN forum. There's loads of information about private suppliers.

Loads of people are doing injections safely and it is working. I should know, I've been doing it since July, when Mounjaro got the all clear from NICE. It has better results and few side effects than Ozempic/Semaglutide. Like your DH, my food settings were/are all over the place so diets etc had no long term effect because emotional eating always got the better of me. I have lost a lot of weight, I feel really good about my body for the first time in years and - as well as being able to handle stairs efficiently now - there is definitely a massive mood boost about feeling good about myself. I've started actually looking in the mirror and admiring myself, buying new clothes, rediscovering old clothes and actually enjoying thinking about how I look.

He is lucky to have you. But you are not a policeman. Nothing rots love more than resentment. And you will come to resent him if you give him an ultimatum and he still refuses to eat healthily etc. He will also resent you for bringing it up and policing his intake.

Mounjaro is not like all those shakes and diet food. They are the things that make you think about food All The Bloody Time. Everyone says the drug stops 'food noise' - which is a huge relief. Yes, by all means go down the gym, but it is food intake that dictates obesity. The drug detaches you from your appetite so the urge to pig out just does not arrive, even if you sense that your body is hungry. It's a game-changer. It needs to come from him though. He can bring it up with the GP, and if the GP says 'yes but maybe next year' etc, please do look into buying it privately. In six months he could be in a much better place. He really does need to see this as 'marriage-critical'. He's in a ditch at the moment and this is something that absolutely will enable him to dig himself out of it. You'll be there to back him up. Again, he's lucky to have you but you neither want the policeman role or the carer one. Good luck!

@Hillfarmer that is such a great point about being a policeman and resentment.

Congratulations on your weight loss.