Struggling with my husbands health

[Crawling104]

I’ll try keep it brief.
Married 13 years two children 12 and 10.
When we were in our 20s he had ibs symptoms and was incidentally found to have fatty liver. He wasn’t massively overweight. Maybe a stone. Since then he has had a spell of up and down crash diets and then gaining back weight to the point now where he’s probably about 18/19 stone? Just a guess. He is tall at 6ft 2 but obviously still very obese.
A blood test at the doctors when he had to go in for a routine procedure showed he was in pre diabetes. This was about 5 years ago.
Hes continued to ignore the problem. Make tiny efforts but never anything enough to make a dent in things. He was supposed to go back for repeat blood tests to keep things under observation but he’s just ignored it.
Fast forward to now and he needs surgery on a hernia he has but his pre assessment have just refused him since his HBA1c levels were sky high. About 82 I think he said. So obviously it’s diabetes.

A few years ago I gave him an ultimatum. I’m not going to be his carer. I’m not being the food police or giving him advice or explaining to him what he should and shouldn’t eat anymore as he just chooses to stay ignorant. Despite the fact he is intelligent enough to read and learn for himself what to do.

His dad has a terrible medical history. He also has type 2 diabetes. Is blind. Had dialysis 3 times a week. Chronic leg ulcers. Memory issues. Heart failure. I’ve watched his mum just become his carer and I’ve made it very clear I will not be doing this.

I was a stay at home mum for a good while but when he got his pre diabetes diagnosis I could see where this was going so I made sure I got myself a job. So thankfully I’ve been working full time for the past 3 years. I only earn a little above minimum wage but I’m in a good position where I’ve got progression in my job and I’m looking at a promotion next year once I’ve finished a course I’m on.

The annoying thing is we are happy! He’s a great dad, we have so much fun together. Enjoy each others company. He’s supportive of me in my career. He is there for us in every way anyone could possibly want. Apart from this.

As I explained to him in past years I do not have it in me to be his support again. I’ve done all of it so many times. Making him healthy lunches to take to work, having the children on my own extra so that he can go to the gym, discussing food options, reminding him when he’s not making good choices. Trying to persuade him to go back to the doctors for his check ups. I just don’t have it in me again to do all this and watch him make a little bit of progress then give in.

I don’t know what to do now. I’ve seen our future.

I think my resentment of him will just ruin our relationship. I won’t be taking him to appointments or managing his care at all so what kind of marriage is that going to be.

Im already pissed that I’ve booked in annual leave for his surgery. Moved some of my course dates around with work so I’ll be able to take our youngest to school and look after everything at home whilst he recovers and now it’s all cancelled because he’s just neglected to look after himself.

I don’t even know what I want from this. It’s heartbreaking.

I’m considering starting up a separate savings account just for me so that when the children are no longer dependent and our relationship has deteriorated I can have a bit of extra money to make things easier. But if I tell him I’m doing this it would break him. He’s not a bad man.

Diet won't work here. He needs a lifestyle change.

I know it's not what you want to hear, but you also need to change yours. You say he is overweight, yet you all eat at McDonald's. He is eating carb heavy food all the time and snacks a lot.
You need to cook him different food - figure out what works for his body (what he eats now clearly doesn't). No junk food in the house and no eating out. Go on a hike with the family or outdoor activity every weekend. Get him into therapy - his lifestyle affects his health and his relationship, yet he is denied about it - he is an addict.

Unfortunately, either this or taking care of him later. It's not your fault by any means, but if you want to stay with him, you also need to have a completely different lifestyle. Yes, it's not fair. But he won't change alone. He would have done it if he could.

You are so resentful you are cutting your nose off. Support his efforts every time - punishing him by not because it ‘might be another failed attempt’ is crazy. This is what you want him to do! Don’t waste time being bitter and thinking about how he has let you down. He has. But he’s also let himself down and is probably terribly unhappy. Move on. I’d say from what you have written he’s be a brilliant mounjaro candidate. I advise you support him or lose him forever through either your own resentment or his illness.

You've told him you won't care for him, but you've booked holiday to care for him post op aand look after the kids. You need to tell him ... no action from him forthwith and you are out.

I had to book the holiday as he won’t be able to do the school run and we have no one else nearby. Im out of the house from 7am till 5:30 due to travel time. So I can’t do the school run plus work. He can usually as he works from home.

It’s all so difficult because we both work full time now and have no other childcare. So to leave I’ve got to wait till the children are older, otherwise I won’t be able to work.

We don’t have biscuits/sweets/pop in the house anyway. But yes we have a McDonald’s once in a while when travelling or on a Friday when we are all shattered. By no means are we perfect.

I do feel sorry for you both, you because you are facing a daunting future; him because he seems to be very pre-disposed to these health problems.

I’m not an expert in this area (overweight at a BMI of 26.6) but one thing that has been a revelation for me recently has been using a calorie counting app (MyNetDiary). Along with weighing my food, it is so revealing! I don’t count calories every day, to avoid becoming obsessive, but do it several times a week. I aim for 1700, but now know that I was often (on a day with ‘treats’ such as a pastry or chocolate bar) easily stacking up 2500 calories a day. I’m losing weight slowly and just trying to stick to better habits.

If he puts something like this in place then it can support the better habits that underpin the weight loss jabs.

I think apps like Noom are better than the solely calorie counting ones, especially for emotional/thoughtless overeaters.

But there are loads of tools. The point is OP's DH isn't availing himself of them...

Totally, I have heard good things about Noom.
But I find that even knowing that the chocolate bar I like (a German brand so must be all outdoorsy and healthy, right?) comes in at a cool 496 calories is enough to make me wait for another day rather than just popping it into my basket as I would have done before.

Well an update today.
Hes told me he’s been reading about what he needs to eat / not eat to get things under control and he’s looking at therapy options. And he’s going to discuss diet with the GP. But I imagine they’ll put him on medication as well due to how high his blood sugars are currently.
So I have told him let’s see where things are at 6 months but I am going to be saving for a contingency plan for myself and the boys as well I’m very much not brushing it under the carpet and carrying on as normal. Which I think he understands.

If he's already diabetic, I'd think the doctor woul dbe suggesting meds to manage it and he would definitely be a candidate for the weight loss injections. Even better if he can afford to pay for it privately.

That sounds positive OP.

Eldest son has insulin resistant type 2 and tends to be a bit of an idiot (tends to stick his head in the sand) His GP has been awesome dealing with him. the most helpful thing he did was link him in with diabetic coaching. This gave home space to hear from others living with diabetes, think about his chosen lifestyle and what small tweaks he could start with. There may be something similar in your area that’s linked with the NHS. It might be worth asking.

If he comes home and says he does not need meds with that blood result be suspicious that he might not have seen the doctor. My son tried to blag that one till he fetched up in A&E with the start of ketosis. and now has to finger prick blood test for his blood sugars 4x a day and 1x a day ketones…more if his blood sugar is high. Diabetes Uk have some useful alternative recipes for fake ways and tips for better food swaps. My son also likes many of the fast 800 recipes meant for lowering blood sugar. that helps even if the idiot eats twice the recommended portion size. Sadly he may not make it back into pre diabetes but better control of his blood sugar and trying to loose weight around the middle should all help. Son is an idiot as he is not consistent in looking after himself.

It’s not easy, it is hard work but it can be done. My DH was diagnosed in A&E after he ate gluten. He made the choice he had to change and take this seriously and is now happily a lot slimmer, fitter and has moved back to pre-diabetic and not needing drugs using diet management alone. This shows it may be possible to step back from the edge if you can find the self motivation and work with the NHS.

That said all this has to be led by him making the choice he is going to do this for him and for you both. Without him reaching that point he will secretly snack when you’re not around.

My elderly mum managed to become not pre diabetic through diet changes. She's determined and health conscious though.