Boyfriend contacting escorts

[Canttakeanymore88]

I caught my boyfriend (not husband, won’t propose) of 9 years contacting escorts when away on a boys light with his friends.

I don’t know what to do because we have a 5 year old and a 1 year old who adore him and I am a SAHM.

He claims it was for someone else, a friend of theirs just out of a marriage with the only woman he’s ever slept with.

The story has changed considerably over the last couple days, from everyone in the group knowing about it and considering chipping in to it just being my partners idea and him contacting them by himself. Mainly when I asked him to call them to prove his innocence.

He claims he didn’t call them and showed me the call log but he forgot about the text which states “hey, text me please” as the first message which means he called.

It isn’t the first time he’s abused my trust. He’s paid for webcam girls and similar in the past.

He swears blind it wasn’t for him and that they didn’t even have anyone round in the end.

Based on the text timestamps I was literally putting our little ones to bed as he was texting and calling these girls, and he claimed at tbe time he didn’t respond to my earlier texts as he got carried away with the boys.

I don’t know what to do. I’m a mess.

Either leave or have an open relationship. He’s not monogamous and isn’t going to be.

Please leave this man.
Life is too short to waste it on being treated like this.
It will be a struggle initially but things will improve for you if you leave..
As opposed to it being less of a struggle financially now but living for years with a man who dies not really love or respect you and having your self esteem eaten away at. It's also a terrible example to set your kids. Allowing a man to treat you like that.. living in misery and constantly being lied to.
Find a way to leave. You'd be entitled to benefits. Get on the council housing list. Google and check what you'd be entitled to.

I don’t know what to do.

Are you sure? Deep down I think you do know what to do but you're afraid of taking the steps required (that's fine).

Based on the facts as you've presented them to us here, there is no way you should stay with this man.

Even if it's true that it was for a friend, it still stinks of mysogeny. So my friend hasn't had sex with anyone other than his ex wife, well then I should rent him a woman's vagina for an hour. Lovely.

But the fact that the story keeps changing likely means the whole 'for a friend' thing isn't true anyway. Which means he's lying to you.

Plus he's paid to see women performing on webcams.

There's nothing here that makes me think this man is worth one moment more of your time.

So sorry, but he's a liar and a cheat. His story reeks of BS, especially given he has form for web cams etc. No one gets caught the first time they happen to contact an escort 'for someone else'. Much more likely that he uses them himself and there's way more to this than a text. You know you made a mistake sticking with him after he abused your trust in the past. All that did was let him know that you'll put up with his cheating and lies. If you do that again, it will go on. Your DC are still young. Better to end it now and co-parent and rebuilt your life without him. Otherwise you've got to be content in the knowledge he will continue to cheat, and probably leave you and the DC high and dry one day anyway.

Read your post back, I think you know the answer. It's scary to leave but you deserve better

Op, I feel for you. But you do know what to do. You’re just not ready to accept it yet.

He’s broken your trust twice, and he’s paying for other women. This isn’t something you can get past. He’s a cheat.

Not only is he contacting escorts, but he's dishonest with you. That alone would be enough for me to leave a relationship. Honesty is one of the most basic tenets of a functional relationship.

What a horrible situation for you.

Once these things are done it is difficult to regain the trust.

Trust your gut instinct.

There is always a way forward so please don't feel like you have to stay in a situation that doesn't make you comfortable.

He won't marry you and is a cheat, liar and manipulator.

It's sad you have young children with him but your mental health will deteriorate with him as he continues to humiliate you.

He isn't going to stop or change as he has the three best reasons in the world not to cheat, a loving part and two young children but sadly that isn't enough foe him and he will continue to seek sexual gratification elsewhere, possibly even an affair with someone he finds more 'attractive/exciting' in his tiny mind.

You must plot with him for your own health.

Thanks everyone.

The lines have become blurred and this has been turned on to me. I’m horrible to him, I ask too much of him, I get angry when he’s late from work (I’m alone with the kids with no family support) , he tried to leave to go and stay with his parents last night and im embarrased to say I begged him to stay

Imagine begging a man to stay when he’s been caught cheating with escorts

I have abandonment issues due to my mums sudden and traumatic death when I was 15.

Contact women’s aid for help and support to leave. Cheating is a form of abuse and you don’t need to, nor should you accept it. Women’s aid will help you make and exit plan. They will help you find out which benefits your entitled to apply for, including UC which can help with the costs of childcare when you return to work. You would also be entitled to child maintenance from him and when you have established a co-parenting schedule that works for the children and you, you will have time for yourself for self care, to work, see friend, etc. whatever works for you.

He’s a liar and a cheat and he’s happy to risk your health too. Who knows how many women he’s slept with behind your back and whether or not he’s used protection. I would advise you to book an STI and STD check at your local sexual health clinic. Just google it to find your nearest one.

I know it’s scary to think of going it alone but trust me, I’ve been a single mum myself and it was much easier than being trapped in a relationship with a man who treated me poorly. It’s also not a good environment for the children to grow up in. It sets a terrible example. They will grow up to have no respect for women or believe that’s how men treat women. Would you want your children to grow up thinking this is what a healthy, loving relationship looks like. And it doesn’t matter how young they are, they pick up on the atmosphere in the house even if they don’t understand what’s going on. This makes children feel emotionally unsafe and that is incredibly damaging long term. It leads to all kinds of unhealthy attachment issues and issues with low self esteem which will permeate their entire lives. Contact women’s aid today for yourself and for your children’s future. You can do this.

You know the ‘it was for a friend’ is bs and that this man is incapable of telling you the truth.

I’m sorry that this happened to you but do not waste any headspace on him being different. Any decision you make should be based on this being the man he is.

This is emotional abuse. It’s a tactic abusive men use to deflect away from their own behaviour. It’s called DARVO.

https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/explaining-darvo-deny-attack-reverse-victim-amp-offender

He’s also gaslighting you to make you doubt your sense of reality.

He knows you have abandonment issues and he’s using that to manipulate you. Let him go to his parents. Is the house in your name?

I think you should read this book.

https://www.docdroid.net/2fZmz40/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

There's probably far more stuff that you haven't found out about.

It was, of course, for him. His story is clearly a lie and you know it.

Splitting up is really hard and you don't want to face it right now it sounds like. But when you're ready?

Is there any way this is salvageable?

Why are you asking this question?

Is it because you think it could and should be salvaged (i.e. you still love him and want him in your life)?

Or is it because you fear the alternative, or perhaps you don't even see an alternative?

OP you're in an incredibly vulnerable position and think your first priority should be to change that, so you don't have to stay with him because it feels like the only option. You need to get back to work and save hard, you're not married so currently it sounds like you have no safety net to fall back on?
This man is a liar and a cheat, he is not a good long term prospect, you deserve better than this.

I do love him, and I wish it could work for our boys sake as well. They adore him.

On the other hand, I feel completely violated, humiliated and hurt. In the midst of arguing last night I actually ended up sleeping with him (I initiated it) and I ended up crying during.

clearly I’m not enough. I gained quite a bit of weight when pregnant with our youngest and already feel hideous.

No this isn't salvageable. You know it isn't. I understand it's hard but you'll never have peace of mind with him.

Imagine a life where you feel loved and cherished and never have to wonder where your husband is. That's what you deserve. The sooner you leave this marriage the sooner you'll have it.

The fact that he's turned this all back on you tells you everything you need to know. Let him go...

You know he says he feels everything is a test and that I’m too demanding of him, and that everything he does is already for us!

So if he’s late home from work I might have a go at him, I know I shouldn’t but my god it is really hard with 2 kids especially the baby who is difficult with absolutely zero family support so it’s just me and them

Sorry.. just realised you're not married. But the advice still stands.

And following your update... what man has sex with a women who's crying?

Oh it wasn’t quite like that. I ended up crying at the end when we were finishing. Just felt worthless I guess, and I knew it was wrong of me to initiate given the circumstances

Why? What is in this relationship for you - beyond humiliation?

How on earth can you love a man who treats you so badly?

You need to get rid of him, and then find your self-esteem again. You deserve so much better than this.

Well if he feels everything is a test the relationship is not viable as you are incompatible with each other.

He's turning on you to make you feel low about yourself so that you will feel grateful towards him.

He's nasty and you have to accept that he is using you to be the mother of his children and housekeeper.

Reading that you had sex with him is very sad. It wasn't making love, he was relieving himself and turned on by you forgiving his cheating. It's a power thing.

Once you've split you can build on your self esteem.

Do you love him? Or do you love the person you wish he was? You know you deserve better and he’s not going to change.