Boyfriend contacting escorts

[Canttakeanymore88]

I caught my boyfriend (not husband, won’t propose) of 9 years contacting escorts when away on a boys light with his friends.

I don’t know what to do because we have a 5 year old and a 1 year old who adore him and I am a SAHM.

He claims it was for someone else, a friend of theirs just out of a marriage with the only woman he’s ever slept with.

The story has changed considerably over the last couple days, from everyone in the group knowing about it and considering chipping in to it just being my partners idea and him contacting them by himself. Mainly when I asked him to call them to prove his innocence.

He claims he didn’t call them and showed me the call log but he forgot about the text which states “hey, text me please” as the first message which means he called.

It isn’t the first time he’s abused my trust. He’s paid for webcam girls and similar in the past.

He swears blind it wasn’t for him and that they didn’t even have anyone round in the end.

Based on the text timestamps I was literally putting our little ones to bed as he was texting and calling these girls, and he claimed at tbe time he didn’t respond to my earlier texts as he got carried away with the boys.

I don’t know what to do. I’m a mess.

I understand the abandonment issues. The cure for this is to accept you’ve been abandoned because you have. There is no meaningful relationship, only the illusion of one. What could be worse than a fake relationship.

Men don’t use escorts because their partners aren’t enough. It’s not about you.

He is not enough and he doesn't deserve your love. The boys can still have a good relationship with him as a father entirely separate from this horribly abusive relationship he has with you. That will be much better for them and you. I sincerely hope it isn't salvageable and that you can find enough support and self-respect to cut him loose and leave, but I suspect that you're already so ground down by him that you'll put up with whatever it takes for him to stay. Even though you know it's the wrong thing and will make you feel even worse. This is 10000% not about you putting on weight or being (justifiably) angry with him or any of that crap. This is about him being a lying, cheating manipulative arsehole who wants to put his dick in other women and blame you for it. Until you can claw your way out of 'but I love him' abyss and start loving yourself, I'm fearful that you'll salvage this relationship at the expense of your own sanity. Please call Women's Aid and get whatever support IRL you can and get angry, get some strength and help and get rid.

Ah that old story.

Leave him, he is lying

He and his friend circle think it's fine to spend family money on emptying his bollocks into the bought bodies of prostituted women. Possibly the victims of trafficking.

Do you truly think even that is better than being a single mother?

Are you happy for that to be the example he sets of how a partner and father behaves? And for the example you're setting in scrabbling to find a world in which that's acceptable?

Time to start seeking some self respect, respect for your children, and respect for those poor women.

Your conflicting feelings and actions are a sign that you may be trauma bonded to your partner. It's not your fault. The only way forward it through it and he is unlikely to change if this is his standard way of operating. If you can get yourself some space today. Even just a solo coffee this afternoon it may help a little.

He won't propose, despite this, have had 2 of his DC's and are a SAHM. Time to start looking for work and independence.
Why he does all this, is simply because he can, and he knows that apart from some verbal grief, you'll still stick around regardless, because that's what you have done so far and he doesn't see that changing - do you?

Sweetheart, this man is no good.

You mentioned you wish it could work out for your boys sake. Your boys are young and they'd adore their father whoever he was, he's their role model. But you know who he really is.

I will turn this around and say that you owe it to your boys to remove a toxic male role model from their lives, not salvage it and hope he changes. As your boys grow up they will see and understand more and more about the real man he is. If you're lucky they will reject him and his lifestyle but there's a very strong chance they will turn out like him because as I said, he is their role model.

And I don't want to be harsh to you but you are teaching your boys that a woman will stick with a man like him.

What would he have to do, for you to say 'enough is enough'?

He already knows that you value him more than you value yourself.

That knowledge will result in even more contemptuous behaviour towards you.

Has there been any DV?

No. You can’t be in a relationship with an abuser, you can only be a dominated servant to their life. He doesn’t love you. Someone who loves you doesn’t abuse you and cheat on you. Your role in his life is to provide him with sex, childcare, clean is clothes, keep the house clean and tidy, cook his meals and worship the ground he walks on with no questions asked. That is what he expects of you. He doesn’t respect you. You are his servant and emotional punching bag. It’s likely he will eventually use your face as a literal punching bag at some point too. These men never get better. They only ever escalate. He is willing to pay to use other women’s bodies to satisfy his sexual wants and potentially risk your health too. And it’s also financial abuse because it’s taking money that was meant to be for your children and using it to pay for hookers. A lot of these women are trafficked or addicted to drugs. They don’t do it because they want to or they enjoy it. It’s because they are forced to. So he’s essentially a rapist. Do you want your children to grow up around a man like that?

Please, please contact women’s aid. They will support you. You are trauma bonded and that’s why it’s so hard but women’s aid will be there for you through anything.

I’m scared to leave for many reasons but one being he has always said he’d want 50/50 from the kids and I can’t imagine not being with them for 50% of the time..

I’ve had one evening away from both of them in the almost 5 years since my eldest was born and they are my world.

Will they ever know? I’m terrified of damaging them by seperating.

He can still be their father snd they can “adore” him even if you separate—but you suspect that he will treat them as shabbily as he treats you and not bother with them.
I suspect you are right. But that is just to say he is already abandoning them snd you while living in the same house. He will do whatever he wants because he is selfish, an abuser of trust, a user of women and children. He used the chilyto tie you down. He doesn’t have it in him to care like a normal man or he would have married the mother of his children.

Leave snd deal with your abandonment issues bravely snd forthrightly. Don’t use them as an excuse to give away more of your life, health, and safety to this asshole.

Mine threatened that as well. He took me to court. He didn’t get 50/50. He got every second weekend. And when you’re a single mum, you’ll be glad to have 4 days a month to yourself. You can’t stay with this man because you’re afraid he will try to take your children from you. You need to remove your children from this abusive environment. And the reality is, they all threaten this and then a huge number of them don’t even take the time they are actually allocated, bring the children back early etc, because they a) don’t want you to have a life of your own so they mess up your plans by not picking up the children or bringing them back early and b) they can’t cope with them full time because they’ve never had to actually parent in their life. Speak to women’s aid. They will help you. You can do this. I did it and I have helped many other women do it too. The scariest part is before you leave not after. The fear of what he will do is worse than actually leaving.

Yes they will know now. They will pick up on the atmosphere in the house. Children are extremely perceptive. They sense when something is wrong. And you won’t be able to be as good a mum to them while you’re in this relationship because your energy is being focused on and drained by this abusive man. You’re mental health will be damaged and your children need a healthy mum to model self respect. They will overhear things as they get older too. I grew up in an abusive home and I knew what was going on even though my mother tried to hide it and to shield us. It damaged me and I ended up in a series of abusive relationships myself as an adult. Please, get out for your children and for yourself.

Thanks for the reply.

I don’t have family here but he does, and they’re very supportive of him. I told them about this situation (and that I was leaving, which I’d planned to) and they were quick to call him and make sure he was ok! I’m scared they’d team up to take the kids from me.

The baby is really, really hard work and up 4/5 times a night AND co sleeps with me while the eldest still needs one of us by his bedside each night (and most of the night.)

I’m really scared of doing it all alone when they’re this age. I know many do, and I have so much respect for them because it’s no joke!

Clearly their dad is an asshole to me but be gives them 100% so it does help.

He won't want 50/50 when the reality of what it entails dawns on him and it would interfere with boys nights/weekends out.
You deserve better his behaviours are on him not you.
Escorting must be the crappiest paid sex work as apparently no one caught contacting them ever goes through with it....aye right.

This Is what I would advise you to do.

1. Contact women’s aid and get support to make an exit plan
2. DO NOT TELL HIM OR ANYONE ELSE of your intention to leave. This is the most dangerous time for women.
3. With the help of women’s aid, relocate to near your family and support network.
4. Apply for benefits
5. Go through CMS to get maintenance for the children and make sure they do not disclose your new address.
6. Once you have left, block his number and all social media. Block his family and friends too, they are flying monkeys.
7. Set up a dedicated email address to contact him to tell him you have left and for all future communication regarding child contact. Make sure he knows this is the only way you will communicate with him. This way you have a paper trail that he can’t mess with.
8. Report any abuse to the police. You can decide if you want to report past abuse too. I would advise it. If you have any abusive texts messages, you can show them to the police.

FIRST though you need to get out. Contact women’s aid when he’s not around.

Thanks for this, but he isn’t abusive in that way. there’s no abusive texts or behaviours other than the cheating and gaslighting surrounding this. He’s a great father, I don’t want to stop him seeing the kids, they are his world too.

Also, my family all live abroad.

Not abusive in what way?

You can still do everything I’ve said except move abroad. So instead get relocated near to where your children will attend school.

You can arrange child contact once you are out. I would advise you to get a court order in place as soon as possible. Women’s aid can advise you on this.

He has equal parental rights so you wouldn’t be able to stop him seeing the children unless he was a clear danger to them. However, I would put it to you that he’s not a great dad given that you do all the parenting, he abuses his children’s mother and spends the family money, that could be spent on the children on raping women. What kind of role model is he?

OP what do you want from this thread? You aren’t going to find anyone who suggests you stay with him or who believes he hasn’t paid for sex, or who has a magical way of stopping him from doing it.

Your partner pays other women for sex. Men who do this don’t really ever stop.

Oh and he isn’t a great father. Because great fathers don’t do this to the mother of their children. And he is abusive. Cheating is abuse, lying and gaslighting is abuse, telling you it’s your fault because you pull him up when he’s late from work (sorry to say we likely all know why) is emotional abuse.

You should leave him of course because he’s taking risks with your sexual health even if he uses condoms, since some STDs, eg HSV, can be caught even if he uses them.

So you have to decide whether you want to turn a blind eye to it, or leave him. If you chose to stay, I would suggest regular STD checks and insist on condoms. Don’t get pregnant again. If you don’t work, start thinking about getting some financial independence by starting up your career. It can be part time at first.

Women’s Aid or a similar organisation where you live can help you do that. You won’t be the first woman who’s had to leave this kind of sleazy man. Your children can still see him regularly. He won’t really want 50%.

I’m sorry your partner is an arsehole but you don’t have to stay.

💐

you will never trust him again

you have left yourself very vulnerable - not married, stay at home mum, !? whos owns the house?

i would not tolerate this - get rid of him

What's your financial situation? Do you have your own assets/savings etc? Do you own part of the house you live in? Would probably be best to think about getting yourself into work to become financially independent (unless you have your own independent wealth).

I’m scared to leave for many reasons but one being he has always said he’d want 50/50 from the kids and I can’t imagine not being with them for 50% of the time.

The 50/50 demand/threat is very common - and it's not because they actually WANT equal time and responsibilities with their own children. It's to frighten and control you. By making you imagine the thing you dread - not having your children with you.

So many here will confirm they demand this ... Then when it comes to it, are not prepared to do the WORK. Oh, I can't have them this week, I'm ... I can't pick them up after all, because ...