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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I been selfish

60 replies

Jenn12445 · 08/12/2024 09:10

Me and my partner have been together for 18months, it’s been a bit of a rollercoaster and had plenty of ups and downs, especially including his ex partner.

his ex partners father was in hospital for a week severely ill so he was staying at the house to be there for the children 19,18. Who were struggling. I’ve been fine with this and understanding.

hia ex partners father has now died, and he is staying there just now.

we are currently pregnant and no one knows yet as we are only 10weeks. I feel my emotions and hormones are all over the place and I’m thinking the worst. We have been very distant the past week due to him having commitments to his children just now and running back and forth to hospital.

I don’t know whether to raise this situation and explain how I’m unhappy about him staying there as I feel they could also be comforted without him physically staying overnight but the. I am thinking am I been selfish, and if I am, how long do I give hi. To continue doing this?

any advice would be appreciate, feel I’m going off my head

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 08/12/2024 09:14

If the kids are 18 and 19 they are adults, they don’t need him overnight.

Tel12 · 08/12/2024 09:16

His children are grown up. I'm guessing that you feel insecure for a reason. Challenge him.

Original poster
Jenn12445 · 08/12/2024 09:17

That’s what I was thinking, as I have a 18 and 6 year old and I have said my 18 year old wouldn’t need me overnight, as I understand they have lost a grand parent but at that age they have so many other distractions in life. I feel he’s maybe using them as an excuse

OP posts:
Original poster
Jenn12445 · 08/12/2024 09:17

How would you challenge this?

OP posts:
Itsacoldcoldwinter · 08/12/2024 09:18

Yes I don't understand why he needs to be spending time over night.
His children are adults.
Unless they have special needs I don't understand why they need the level of support he is apparently giving them.
I think you need a serious conversation with him.

Original poster
Jenn12445 · 08/12/2024 09:19

I’ve tried to bring this up and every time I get shut down with I’m not there for him I don’t support him, if I can’t accept his life to walk, he says all this because he knows I don’t want to walk

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 08/12/2024 09:21

If this is how he wants to live, you need to think about how you want to live and if you can accept this.

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 08/12/2024 09:22

He needs to be with his children as they mourn the loss of their grandfather. It doesn't matter if they 8 or 18, his children have lost their grandfather and they want to be together. It's perfectly acceptable for him to be with them 24/7 right now. He is also grieving too.

It's ok to ask him what the plans are so you know what to expect but not ok to demand he spends more time with you right now.

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 08/12/2024 09:22

My adult daughters were absolutely devastated when they lost their grandparent, no they didn't need me there to physically look after them but they sure as hell needed the emotional support.

Original poster
Jenn12445 · 08/12/2024 09:25

I understand he needs to be there emotionally, I just feel to be spending every day and night with them. Like he could also be staying here overnight and returning to them during the day to support them.

every time I mention what’s the plans he ends up making an arguement out of it or tells me a plan then that falls through due to him starting an arguement with me

OP posts:
Itsacoldcoldwinter · 08/12/2024 09:25

So it's all about YOU supporting him.
He doesn't sound committed to your relationship and your pregnancy.

I think you should explore what your life would like if you ended the relationship now because it doesn't sound as though he is going to be a reliable partner going forward.

sesquipedalian · 08/12/2024 09:27

I think you need to cut your partner a bit of slack - he’s just lost his father: perhaps he needs to be with his adult children for his own sake. Don’t challenge him on this - let him process his grief as he needs to, and just let him know that you are there for him. I appreciate it can be difficult with pregnancy hormones raging, but people are often not quite themselves after they have lost someone close, no matter how expected it might be - so let him be for the time being, and try to be supportive.

Lightswitchup · 08/12/2024 09:28

I don’t understand why he needs to be there overnight either unless there is something unusual happening. More unusual than the death of a grandparent I mean. Are they far away from where you live?

Original poster
Jenn12445 · 08/12/2024 09:28

Yeh it’s all about how I can support him, we are meant to have a scan today at 12 and last night I asked him if he was coming and he said I should be, I will call u doesn’t thing, and I’ve not heard from him, he never answers the phone when he’s there, only texts me.

we have had our fair share of downs in this relationship and I’ve questioned it loads, every time I go to leave he says horrible things that I’m away to look for someone else and prove my worth to him and show him I want to be with him, then makes me run back. It’s a horrible position to be in. I just don’t know what to do

OP posts:
Original poster
Jenn12445 · 08/12/2024 09:29

They stay about 15mina away

OP posts:
ChaosHol1 · 08/12/2024 09:29

sesquipedalian · 08/12/2024 09:27

I think you need to cut your partner a bit of slack - he’s just lost his father: perhaps he needs to be with his adult children for his own sake. Don’t challenge him on this - let him process his grief as he needs to, and just let him know that you are there for him. I appreciate it can be difficult with pregnancy hormones raging, but people are often not quite themselves after they have lost someone close, no matter how expected it might be - so let him be for the time being, and try to be supportive.

You've picked it up wrong, it's his ex partners father. Not his.

Itsacoldcoldwinter · 08/12/2024 09:30

sesquipedalian · 08/12/2024 09:27

I think you need to cut your partner a bit of slack - he’s just lost his father: perhaps he needs to be with his adult children for his own sake. Don’t challenge him on this - let him process his grief as he needs to, and just let him know that you are there for him. I appreciate it can be difficult with pregnancy hormones raging, but people are often not quite themselves after they have lost someone close, no matter how expected it might be - so let him be for the time being, and try to be supportive.

He hasn't just lost his father though.
It's his ex partner's father who has died.

Lightswitchup · 08/12/2024 09:30

Sorry OP this doesn’t sound good. He’s not treating you very well.

Jeezitneverends · 08/12/2024 09:30

I don’t get this mumsnet thing about kids being adults and no longer needing support the second they turn 18!

Mine were in their 20s when my dad, their last surviving grandparent died , and they were devastated and we very much all needed each other.

OP this is what happens when you’re involved with someone who has already had children, its a huge package, hardly unusual these days, but there are a lot of twists and turns in the road.

There are 2 roads to go down with this, the innocent one of being glad there’s a decent relationship with his ex partner which means he can stay in the house overnight with his teens….or a less innocent one…

Pinkissmart · 08/12/2024 09:30

His kids are going through an emotionally challenging time and are/ were about to lose someone ( presumably) close to them.
Perhaps they did not want to be alone when the inevitable phone call came. Perhaps your partner was fond of the man too, and wanted to help in any way he could.

Has their mum been at the hospital a lot? Is it local or has she had to go away ? Context needed I think

Of course an 18 and 19 year old can look after themselves physically, but may need some emotional support. Especially if their mum is away.

Please don’t challenge it. You may have pregnancy hormones but they will be in the throes of their grief. You may never be forgiven if you start demanding your husband pull away his emotional support at this time,

Lightswitchup · 08/12/2024 09:31

Jeezitneverends · 08/12/2024 09:30

I don’t get this mumsnet thing about kids being adults and no longer needing support the second they turn 18!

Mine were in their 20s when my dad, their last surviving grandparent died , and they were devastated and we very much all needed each other.

OP this is what happens when you’re involved with someone who has already had children, its a huge package, hardly unusual these days, but there are a lot of twists and turns in the road.

There are 2 roads to go down with this, the innocent one of being glad there’s a decent relationship with his ex partner which means he can stay in the house overnight with his teens….or a less innocent one…

But why does that involve him needing to stay there overnight?

Justcallmebebes · 08/12/2024 09:31

His kids have lost their grandparent and he has lost his fil. It's natural that he would gravitate back to his family at a time like this and it's clearly where his priorities lie, which is only right so I am not sure what you can do about it

fiualdje · 08/12/2024 09:32

I don't think it's particularly normal for a relationship of only 18 months to have been a "roller coaster" with that many ups and downs so soon, especially when there are children involved, you should have walked away at the first sign of instability for the children's sake but now you're pregnant and focussing on the wrong things, so what are you to do.

healthybychristmas · 08/12/2024 09:33

Unfortunately I think you're going to be bringing up this baby on your own.

Jeezitneverends · 08/12/2024 09:33

Lightswitchup · 08/12/2024 09:31

But why does that involve him needing to stay there overnight?

Show quote history

Maybe he WANTS to be with them…although I’ve since read the OP’s further posts and he doesn’t sound like that great a person…