Am I been selfish

[Jenn12445]

Me and my partner have been together for 18months, it’s been a bit of a rollercoaster and had plenty of ups and downs, especially including his ex partner.

his ex partners father was in hospital for a week severely ill so he was staying at the house to be there for the children 19,18. Who were struggling. I’ve been fine with this and understanding.

hia ex partners father has now died, and he is staying there just now.

we are currently pregnant and no one knows yet as we are only 10weeks. I feel my emotions and hormones are all over the place and I’m thinking the worst. We have been very distant the past week due to him having commitments to his children just now and running back and forth to hospital.

I don’t know whether to raise this situation and explain how I’m unhappy about him staying there as I feel they could also be comforted without him physically staying overnight but the. I am thinking am I been selfish, and if I am, how long do I give hi. To continue doing this?

any advice would be appreciate, feel I’m going off my head

I don't understand why so many pp are infantilising 18 and 19 year old adults.

Yes they will be grieving and upset. But they have each other and presumably their mother. They don't need another adult to tuck them in at night.

OP on the other hand is pregnant with his child and she is getting no emotional support from this man.

The mother has been at the hospital alongside the children and they have been together constantly I know she may not be the greatest support to them juat now also as she is grieving, but I do personally feel there is other ways around this to be there for them

Agree with this. I don’t understand why so many women choose to bring children into unstable relationships then themselves in knots over why it’s still not working.

in this case I get the need to want to be there fir his kids but every night? And not being contactable plus turning on the OP for wanting him to support her. No this doesn’t sound like a man who’s committed to you

I think you are being a bit unreasonable, presumably the mother was at the hospital all hours and your partner wanted to be around for his children if/when it happened. I think that is fair enough. I would bite my tongue for another week and see what happens.

If he doesn’t turn up at the scan tomorrow though I wouldn’t be happy. At that point he is telling you that your child together is not a priority. I wouldn’t make drama or a fuss I would simply stop contacting him and start preparing to be a single parent.

Do you live together? Sorry if I missed that in the OP, if you do, whose house do you live in, rented, owned?

Why are you having a child with a man you barely know and the relationship is up and down?
Not a good idea.
Re think this pregnancy.
He clearly isn't committed and his own children are grown.

No man genuinely wants to start the baby stage again.
A year from now he will be long gone and you will be doing this on your own.
Think of your other children.

Their mum is in the hospital.
Of course it is normal for them to want the comfort of their dad.

Not to mind them, but to be there as support emotionally and to simply physically be around.

Not difficult to understand at all.
They are his children.

The OP should be doing more thinking about her children and not bringing another baby into the world in a clearly unstable relationship.
His loyalties are 100% with his children.

I don't think the specific situation is the issue and agree with others that adult children can still need emotional support - and 18, 19 is only just adult, tbf. Night time can be the very worst time for grief to strike so I am also sympathetic to him wanting to stay over.

However, the wider details suggest this is a bigger problem OP - the ups and downs throughout your short relationship, him deprioritising your pregnancy (vs. trying to balance the two families) and his comments that you should just walk if you don't like it are all quite concerning, especially so early in your life together.

Like others, I think you should be thinking about your own needs and how you would raise the baby by yourself if it came to it. Hopefully your partner is just going through a stressful time and you can work things out, but if this is who is is underneath then you may decide that you do want / need to call his bluff and walk away.

This man isn't someone who is committed to you or your unborn child.

Why are you having a baby with someone who says horrible things to you? Who hasn't even responded when you're having a scan today. He's said if you don't want to accept his shitty behaviour you should leave. Manipulative and unpleasant - this sounds a million miles from a happy, mutually supportive relationship.

I missed your post with the details about your ongoing arguments / him saying hurtful things to you. It doesn't sound like a relationship to fight for OP.

I’ve known him for 10 years to previously getting into a relationship with him. We all make mistakes not that I would say this pregnancy is a mistakes, but some people are stronger than others and some have weaknesses that others don’t. I’m fully aware that I may be doing it on my own. I was only on here looking for support not criticism

I remember your previous post.

This is your second pregnancy with this man- are you trying to get him to commit?

No not trying to get him to commit now, as that all happened before we were pregnant there, yea this is my second pregnancy which I miscarriage to, I’m not in here to question my previous pregnancy was just looking for support on the current aituation

But the current situation and how he's behaving is reflective of how he is towards you in this relationship. He's thoughtless towards you, doesn't seem to care about the pregnancy, the short relationship is full of up and down periods, lots of arguing. He tells you to leave, then you're expected to prove how much you love him, this is no way to live.

I think you need to prepare to go it alone in future. It looks like he is back with his ex. All the signs are there - text only when there is a classic.
You can't run a relationship on the basis that you toe the line with everything for fear of him walking. That he is fine with walking so easily shows he doesn't care much. Let him walk, you don't like what he is doing and rightly so. Unfortunately, you have got yourself in a situation of becoming a doormat over fear of him ending things.
How long was the gap between their relationship ending and yours starting?

Sorry but where does it say their Mum is in hospital? I've reread all OP's posts and I can't see where she says that.

I see you are blaming OP for being pregnant. It takes two to make baby incase you hadn't heard. And the unborn child is also his so doesn't that child deserve his 100% loyalty too?

Yeh to add to my hormones and emotions, just got a text to say he won’t make the scan today. Think I know what I need to do

If one of my parents died, the very last thing I would want would be my fucking ex hanging round the hospital and basically moving into my house. I wouldn’t allow it. And young adults do not need 23/7 emotional support. They’ve got their own friends and other relatives and they wouldn’t need over night support anyway. Most people don’t want their ex moving in at such a vulnerable private time.

They are back together. In your shoes I would rethink this pregnancy.

He doesn't need to be staying in his exes house to provide emotional support to adult children. If his ex is struggling to cope with the grief that's understandable, I did when my dad died, so my kids stayed with their dad in his house for a week to give me space to grieve and ensure they had support. I get on well with my ex but no way would I ask him to stay with me. It's highly unusual and you are within your rights to question it

Yes yiu do this isn’t a healthy or positive relationship at all and he isn’t good for you

do you live together

Have you experienced a bereavement op? It’s quite a private vulnerable time and people don’t really want support from people they’re not close to.

@ Itsacoldcoldwinter
Sorry, I did indeed misread the OP - but if, for whatever reason, the DP feels he needs to spend time with his children at what is an emotional time for them, that is not totally unsurprising.

What is not OK, though, is the OP being threatened by him and told to “walk” if she doesn’t like the situation. OP, you are going to have to challenge him in this, otherwise he will turn you into a doormat. Next time he says something along the lines of “if you don’t like it, you can leave”, say that you have been thinking about it. I’ve just read your post that he isn’t coming to the scan - this is very unsupportive of him. He needs to know that he has a family with you, as well as with his older children. Ask him how he thinks he is proving his worth to you by saying unkind things. A relationship is a two-way street.

There is no "we" who are pregnant, just you. You need to decide whether you want to continue with it without the father in the child's life.

She has been with her father in the hospital for the past week.

Its there in the second paragraph.
Her father is in hospital very ill and he went to stay with his children for support while their mother is absent with her dying father.
Could it be clearer from the OP?

Women are the ones who carry babies, and in the real world they need to protect themselves.
He is clearly not committed and clearly it isnt a happy committed relationship, so her responsibility is to her existing children, just like his clearly is to his two kids.

Women are left with children to rear all the time on MN, as men bugger off.
He highly unlikely wants to start fatherhood again, so why keep getting pregnant by him?

The OP needs to protect herself and her children.

She deserves better than to be left to do it all alone.

I’m so sorry @Jenn12445 but reading this he sounds awful - and not because of the current situation; just generally. He doesn’t sound that ‘in it’ with you. Doesn’t sound able to end things but it looks like that may be what he wants.

In your shoes I’d be ending it with him and considering the pregnancy (whether I could manage or even want to proceed alone).

I’m sorry to say all that and I hope you manage to work out what you want to do. All the best OP.