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Original poster

Is this lack of support? I can’t tell

64 replies

kelllogss · 07/12/2024 11:55

So recently I had to take Dd to the hospital, it was an emergency and we ended up spending 28hs there.

On that week BF wanted to meet on Wed and weekend. I had already told him before the emergency that I could do weekend only. He said ok but he would ‘miss’ me midweek. Once I was in the hospital I told him I was cancelling the weekend too. Ofc he understood and would ‘miss’ me.

During the hospital stay he asked if I needed anything, how could he help, if he should bring anything etc…kept wishing us both well etc

He also wanted to send a care package to both of us with fave treats and snacks so asked what we wanted but I refused because Dd would feel awkward knowing he knew her medical issues, she was mortified to be in the hospital anyway (it is complicated and they never met)

We arrived home and let him know, he wished good sleep etc

Next day I was craving a certain food from a certain restaurant that is very close to where I was about to run an errand and very close to his house too. He likes the food there too. It was last minute but I asked if he wanted to join me for a quick meal but he replied back saying that since Wed he had a runny nose and was sneezing and maybe had a cold so wanted to stay in.
I said ok and went on my own.

So it seems that even if I did not have the emergency he would have cancelled Wed and the weekend too. Fine but what is bothering me is:

1- after the very stressful circuntances that brought me to the hospital and seeing that he would ‘miss’ me not seeing me this week and kept offering virtual hugs - runny nose and sneezing is not a strong enough reason to refuse to see, hug, support and listen over a quick meal at a restaurant that is close to his house (walking distance) - he never complained of headache or thriat / body ache and even said he ‘thinks’ he has a cold. Runny nose and sneeze are very mild symptons to stop someone from doing something unless they don’t want to imo but I’m here to hear your opinions.

2- He never called or offered to call. If I asked he would, but it never crossed his mind. Text only.

3- if he wanted to send care package or flowers he could without asking.

Maybe I’m overthinking but #1 is the thing that bothers me the most, maybe because I know I can endure some discomfort if I only have runny nose and sneezing. We’ve seen each other in those circuntances before where either one of us was not 100%

I’m late 40s, he is mid 50s and seeing each other for 18 months

Opinions?

OP posts:
BlastedPimples · 07/12/2024 12:02

Maybe he just didn't fancy socialising?

And he asked what you'd like on a care package and you're complaining that he asked? Have I read that right?

Maybe he does really rotten? Or just tired. Whatever. He's allowed to not want to go out.

BlastedPimples · 07/12/2024 12:03

Feel really rotten

Hatty65 · 07/12/2024 12:08

No, I don't think he's unsupportive. Your post feels all about you to be honest.

He made offers of help and was ok when you turned it all down.

He felt ill when you suddenly decided you were going out and he could drop everything to join you. He's allowed to decide he doesn't actually feel great and doesn't want to go out for a meal.

It feels like you are expecting every single thing to go your way. He's not a mindreader. He asked what you wanted and followed your wishes and now you are complaining.

TipsyJoker · 07/12/2024 12:08

Maybe he isn’t sure if it’s just a cold or something more developing like a flu and he doesn’t want to risk passing it on to you and by proxy, your daughter when she’s already recovering from being in hospital. I actually think this is most likely and he’s trying to be considerate of you and your daughters health.

He asked you what you wanted because he probably wanted to get you exactly what you wanted as opposed to guessing and not getting the right things.

And some people don’t like speaking on the phone or think maybe when you’re in hospital you don’t want to speak on the phone because you don’t want other patients overhearing the conversation or bothering them.

I think you’re being very unfair to him tbh. He told you he missed you. He asked after your daughter. He asked what he could do to help. He offered to bring you a care package and he told you he wasn’t feeling too healthy to protect your health. Seems very considerate and kind to me and like he genuinely wants the best for you. I feel sorry for him tbh. You sound like very hard work.

gamerchick · 07/12/2024 12:12

Dude, he hasn't done anything wrong. He asked how he could help, made some suggestions that you knocked back and now you're mad he's not a mind reader for answer number 3 of trick question.

Why would you want to risk catching a lurgy when your kids sick enough to be in hospital?

Original poster
kelllogss · 07/12/2024 12:13

I just wanted to point out that whatever could be sent without asking. I’m not complaining that he asked. He has sent stuff before without asking, just let me know it was on its way

I do get that he was not feeling 100% and preferred to stay in but sometimes situations call ourselves to push ourselves a bit and do something wouldn’t be our 1st choice? It just seems like weird that he wanted to see me mid week and weekend and kept going on how he’d miss me etc and kept offering hugs via text message etc but when the opportunity for real support presents itself he can’t do it because of runny nose?
I invited him for a quick meal not a challenging quest - he knows I have nobody else around and I didn’t want to stay out long anyway, just a quick errand and a quick eat

But I appreciate I gave him little notice although it was after working hours and he does his own schedule (also he never blamed work anyway)

OP posts:
Original poster
kelllogss · 07/12/2024 12:15

TipsyJoker · 07/12/2024 12:08

Maybe he isn’t sure if it’s just a cold or something more developing like a flu and he doesn’t want to risk passing it on to you and by proxy, your daughter when she’s already recovering from being in hospital. I actually think this is most likely and he’s trying to be considerate of you and your daughters health.

He asked you what you wanted because he probably wanted to get you exactly what you wanted as opposed to guessing and not getting the right things.

And some people don’t like speaking on the phone or think maybe when you’re in hospital you don’t want to speak on the phone because you don’t want other patients overhearing the conversation or bothering them.

I think you’re being very unfair to him tbh. He told you he missed you. He asked after your daughter. He asked what he could do to help. He offered to bring you a care package and he told you he wasn’t feeling too healthy to protect your health. Seems very considerate and kind to me and like he genuinely wants the best for you. I feel sorry for him tbh. You sound like very hard work.

Yes I agree with all your points but he didn’t offer to call even after I got home
I wouldn’t want to talk on the phone in the hospital either

OP posts:
HPandthelastwish · 07/12/2024 12:16

He feels ill and probably doesn't want to spread it particularly as DD has been in hospital. I wouldn't mention feeling a little rough to someone caring for someone in hospital either

I wouldn't have wanted a call and would have found it intrusive when I was having a stressful time.

He asked if you wanted a care package, you declined.

You don't have to be with him but it looks like you are looking for problems where there are none

TwistedWonder · 07/12/2024 12:18

Personally I think you’re massively overthinking it and looking for issues that aren’t there.

It does feel like you’re almost looking for a get out.

rainbowstardrops · 07/12/2024 12:19

I don't think he's done anything wrong and you're being a bit hard on him. He took your knock-backs with good grace but because he didn't jump when you clicked your fingers, he's in the wrong? He could be feeling under the weather, tired from work, had pjs on and settling down to chill in front of the tele, literally anything, including not wanting to pass on the lurgy to you and your daughter. Give him a break!

pictoosh · 07/12/2024 12:19

I think you're picking holes in the whole thing. It seems to me that unless he did exactly as you'd have preferred you were going to take issue.

I appreciate I could be completely wrong but that's my initial response.

StormingNorman · 07/12/2024 12:20

You’re projecting your stress onto him. He hasn’t done anything wrong.

Case in point: he asked to send you a care package. You didn’t want the care package. You’re annoyed he didn’t send it without asking.

HPandthelastwish · 07/12/2024 12:20

Perhaps he hasn't got a cold but explosive diarrhea and didn't want to tell you.

TipsyJoker · 07/12/2024 12:22

kelllogss · 07/12/2024 12:15

Yes I agree with all your points but he didn’t offer to call even after I got home
I wouldn’t want to talk on the phone in the hospital either

Show quote history

Maybe he was trying to give you space to settle in and relax without having to take calls. He did text you. It’s not as if he went awol and wasn’t a available to you at all. He was. You need ti chill out because he sounds like a good man and you sound like an overbearing, nit picker. If I was him, I’d bin you for being like this tbh. Seriously, start appreciating what your partner does.

Cableknitdreams · 07/12/2024 12:27

I think he sounds very attentive and caring. I think that if I were in that situation, my DP would send texts asking how we were doing and express concern, but no more than that.

Personally, I'm very ill when I have a cold and can't cope with phone calls much, yet alone outings.

I'd suggest telling him how much you need to talk right now and asking if you can speak on the phone.

Cheesandcrackers · 07/12/2024 12:29

Throw this one back OP. I'm sure he'll be fine.

Opentooffers · 07/12/2024 12:30

He talks the talk, but really doesn't back it up with action. Some people go through life thinking that offering to help makes them the good guy, while secretly hoping that the offer won't be taken up.
He could of come up with a stronger excuse, even that he was busy as it was short notice. I suspect he wanted to use as weak an excuse as possible, to let you know that his nose is out of joint, regardless of your totally understandable reasons for not seeing him.
He doesn't get that your family comes first basically and wants you to put him first. If he wants that, he shouldn't date women with DC's. I'd say you are incompatible and he will become demanding of your time, and already has by the look of it.
Look over the relationship as a whole up to now. Does he put in the same amount of effort with dates and communication, or does he sit back and let you come to him all the time, or does he travel to you as much? Is most of the effort put in by you?

Original poster
kelllogss · 07/12/2024 12:43

Opentooffers · 07/12/2024 12:30

He talks the talk, but really doesn't back it up with action. Some people go through life thinking that offering to help makes them the good guy, while secretly hoping that the offer won't be taken up.
He could of come up with a stronger excuse, even that he was busy as it was short notice. I suspect he wanted to use as weak an excuse as possible, to let you know that his nose is out of joint, regardless of your totally understandable reasons for not seeing him.
He doesn't get that your family comes first basically and wants you to put him first. If he wants that, he shouldn't date women with DC's. I'd say you are incompatible and he will become demanding of your time, and already has by the look of it.
Look over the relationship as a whole up to now. Does he put in the same amount of effort with dates and communication, or does he sit back and let you come to him all the time, or does he travel to you as much? Is most of the effort put in by you?

He is pretty consistent with effort but he doesnt visit me - my choice

He moved closer anyway but that was honestly a fortunate coincidence of having to move and finding a preferred house in my area - before finding the current house he was looking all over so finding the ideal house around here was coincidence - all the other houses were not fit for his needs.
I did not want to influence his choice at all

It just seems like after 18 months it is still superficial. Yes he offered help but missed a chance to truly help which would be meeting for 1h max. I know it was last minute but it was when my circunstances allowed.
And I’m busy this whole week with follow up appts at the hospital and next weekend already booked up in advance so not sure when we will see each other again though I’m not incredibly excited

I know that comparing to a lot of men he is like a gem but his reason / excuse to not meet seemed so weak. Would be totally fine if life was normal but given what I went through (can’t go into the details here the emergency circuntances but it was super bad) I’d expect a bit more of effort.

He had been asking what I needed. When I told him he couldn’t be there. That is how I read it.

OP posts:
ProfessaChaos · 07/12/2024 12:46

I think you're being massively unfair to him.

Wishimaywishimight · 07/12/2024 12:48

You refused a 'care package' but are annoyed he didn't send one anyway?

I think he sounds pretty caring and considerate and you sound like you are looking to find fault.

Westofeasttoday · 07/12/2024 12:48

I think you are being unreasonable. He sounds caring and wanted to help.

i think it’s really thoughtful of your daughter was just in the hospital that he didn’t see you with a cold.

It is also really thoughtful to ask about the care package and since you said no because your daughter wouldn’t want her medical issues know he did the right thing.

He can’t do right for doing wrong.

Honestly I think your expectations are too high.

Westofeasttoday · 07/12/2024 12:49

Cheesandcrackers · 07/12/2024 12:29

Throw this one back OP. I'm sure he'll be fine.

Exactly and you may find not many will live up to your expectations.

Original poster
kelllogss · 07/12/2024 12:51

Wishimaywishimight · 07/12/2024 12:48

You refused a 'care package' but are annoyed he didn't send one anyway?

I think he sounds pretty caring and considerate and you sound like you are looking to find fault.

I had reasons to refuse the care package and it did not annoy me he didn’t send one anyway

I mentioned the care package to help illustrate the story. He sent care packages in the past without asking and he chose the contents

OP posts:
Original poster
kelllogss · 07/12/2024 12:59

There is what ppl think you might need and what you really need

Did I need him to come to the hospital? no
Did I need a care package? no

I didn’t need anything until I had some time to spend away from the situation and would be good to meet with him and debrief - this is what I’d say I needed
He could have said he had a runny nose and ask if I wanted to risk it
When you want to help someone is about what they need even if short notice and as circuntances present itself not what you think they need

Or maybe I’m just watching too many movies

OP posts:
IfIHadAHeart · 07/12/2024 13:07

Gosh you’re being awfully unfair to him. He sounds lovely, he’s tried to be supportive from a distance, respect your wishes, offer to help.

Why should he need to make himself available at the drop of a hat? Perhaps if you wanted to see him, and he’s poorly, you could have offered to bring him some food from the restaurant. Or is it just all about what you think he should be doing for you?