Is this lack of support? I can’t tell

[kelllogss]

So recently I had to take Dd to the hospital, it was an emergency and we ended up spending 28hs there.

On that week BF wanted to meet on Wed and weekend. I had already told him before the emergency that I could do weekend only. He said ok but he would ‘miss’ me midweek. Once I was in the hospital I told him I was cancelling the weekend too. Ofc he understood and would ‘miss’ me.

During the hospital stay he asked if I needed anything, how could he help, if he should bring anything etc…kept wishing us both well etc

He also wanted to send a care package to both of us with fave treats and snacks so asked what we wanted but I refused because Dd would feel awkward knowing he knew her medical issues, she was mortified to be in the hospital anyway (it is complicated and they never met)

We arrived home and let him know, he wished good sleep etc

Next day I was craving a certain food from a certain restaurant that is very close to where I was about to run an errand and very close to his house too. He likes the food there too. It was last minute but I asked if he wanted to join me for a quick meal but he replied back saying that since Wed he had a runny nose and was sneezing and maybe had a cold so wanted to stay in.
I said ok and went on my own.

So it seems that even if I did not have the emergency he would have cancelled Wed and the weekend too. Fine but what is bothering me is:

1- after the very stressful circuntances that brought me to the hospital and seeing that he would ‘miss’ me not seeing me this week and kept offering virtual hugs - runny nose and sneezing is not a strong enough reason to refuse to see, hug, support and listen over a quick meal at a restaurant that is close to his house (walking distance) - he never complained of headache or thriat / body ache and even said he ‘thinks’ he has a cold. Runny nose and sneeze are very mild symptons to stop someone from doing something unless they don’t want to imo but I’m here to hear your opinions.

2- He never called or offered to call. If I asked he would, but it never crossed his mind. Text only.

3- if he wanted to send care package or flowers he could without asking.

Maybe I’m overthinking but #1 is the thing that bothers me the most, maybe because I know I can endure some discomfort if I only have runny nose and sneezing. We’ve seen each other in those circuntances before where either one of us was not 100%

I’m late 40s, he is mid 50s and seeing each other for 18 months

Opinions?

Asking someone what they want is thoughtful and if you weren't peeved by him asking it wouldn't have made your list. The only thing point 3 illustrates is how unreasonable you're expectations are. As for point 1 did you actually say I need some support could we meet up for dinner or did you say as you did in your OP 'I asked if he wanted to join me for a quick meal'? Because that doesn't imply you need anything from him, it doesn't even imply you really want to see him, itsjust sharing a quick meal because it's convenient for you. He's done nothing wrong. If you think the relationship won't last and you want out then just end it, you don't need to find reasons he's supposedly unreasonable, you can act like an adult and be straight with him.

They must be very weird movies if you think life works like that. You sound self absorbed and a bit bonkers to be honest.

If you think that complete load of bull is actually reasonable and logical then hopefully he wises up soon to the giant red flag you're waving before he gets hurt by it.

You turn down all his offers of help but when he’s ill you’re pissed off with him. Ok.

You’re coming across like an unhinged bunny boiler tbh. I don’t think you should be in a relationship with anyone. I think you sound quite unreasonable. Maybe you’re just too set in your ways to have another person in your life that you have to consider because everything seems to revolve around you and your needs with no thought to the needs of the other party.

I just asked if he wanted to go eat xyz
Didn’t say I wanted to talk or anything
Yes I know he can’t read my mind
But how comes to show how little I ask, actually I ask for nothing, and how I don’t rely on him to meet my needs

But him not coming for the meal is a contradiction from all the ‘will miss you’ and ‘hugs’ because of a man flu

I see it is me, the red flag, as per everyone opinions and it is exactly what I asked for, your opinions

So if it is not lack of support, it is lack of something else coming from me and he deserves better 👍🏼👍🏼

In this instance with no additional context YABU. You’ve probably been extremely worried and stressed about your DD and are feeling raw. Let things settle down.

“Didn’t say I wanted to talk or anything
Yes I know he can’t read my mind
But how comes to show how little I ask, actually I ask for nothing, and how I don’t rely on him to meet my needs”

Maybe you should do some work on how you communicate. You don’t ask for what you want and then become resentful that your needs aren’t met. No-one can meet your needs if you don’t express them.

You also say you ask for nothing and don’t rely on him to meet your needs. Why bother having a relationship then? You sound closed off. Maybe you should try to figure out why you don’t feel able to rely on other people or can’t ask for what you need.

I would speak to a counsellor to work through why your unable to fully invest your feelings, communicate your needs and be vulnerable with your BF. You seem to overthink things and attribute meaning to things that are much more complex than they probably are in reality. But because you don’t communicate honestly and openly, you just live in your own head. It’s actually not good for you, never mind your relationship.

Get some support and maybe you’ll feel able to have a real, full attachment and a fulfilling relationship in the future, either with this bf or someone else.

I hope you DD gets better soon.

Overthinking it. You sound a little bit precious too.

I see you didn't put the AIBU options. Is that because you knew what the majority of posters would say I wonder?
He asked if you wanted a care package, but you said no, just because he doesn't normally ask? Is it possible that under the circumstances he wanted to see if you needed something specific? Whatever, I think you were unreasonable to refuse for that reason. He wanted to do something nice.
And if I felt like he did, I certainly wouldn't "push myself" to be going for a meal, last minute, just for an hour! I'd be staying in and looking after myself! And he does right doing that. I think you're being totally unfair on, and demanding of him. It seems like you actually don't know what you want, you're picking fault where there isn't any.
So if I were you, I'd let him go, so that he can find someone that really does appreciate him.

It’s one of those threads where the OP only wants validation that she’s 100% in the right, is only interested in the handful of post that agree with her, disregards anyone who tells her she might be a bit unseasonable and just continues to post telling us how she’s right and we’re all wrong.

Do the poor bloke a favour and end it. Let him find someone who doesn’t think the world revolves around them .

You sound like you’re a bit much and a little bit crazy.

I think he’s treating you how you treated him.

It doesn't contradict what he said. People are capable of feeling more than one thing at a time or of having two competing needs. You can miss someone but not feel up to leaving the house or seeing them. You can miss someone but more immediately need rest or quite at home. You said no to seeing him midweek before the emergency, was he supposed to take from that that you didn't miss him, didn't care for him, didn't want to see him? Or was he supposed to accept that sometimes other things take precedence over seeing each other? You're seeing this is a very black and white way, adult relationships don't work like that.

If you want support and that hasn't previously been part of the dynamic for whatever reason then you need to tell him what you need. You want him to magically know and leap to support you and if he doesn't then he doesn't care, doesn't miss you, is what lying? Either this is a good relationship that you want to protect and nurture in which case talk to him, without the blame and the unrealistic ideas about love or its not, in which case end things. But don't sit there and blame this on him not meeting your unrealistic relationship standards.