Page 2 | Is this lack of support? I can’t tell

kelllogss · 2024-12-07T11:55:05+00:00

So recently I had to take Dd to the hospital, it was an emergency and we ended up spending 28hs there. On that week BF wanted to meet on Wed and weekend. I had already told him before the emergency that I could do weekend only. He said ok but he would ‘miss’ me midweek. Once I was in the hospital I told him I was cancelling the weekend too. Ofc he understood and would ‘miss’ me. During the hospital stay he asked if I needed anything, how could he help, if he should bring anything etc…kept wishing us both well etc He also wanted to send a care package to both of us with fave treats and snacks so asked what we wanted but I refused because Dd would feel awkward knowing he knew her medical issues, she was mortified to be in the hospital anyway (it is complicated and they never met) We arrived home and let him know, he wished good sleep etc Next day I was craving a certain food from a certain restaurant that is very close to where I was about to run an errand and very close to his house too. He likes the food there too. It was last minute but I asked if he wanted to join me for a quick meal but he replied back saying that since Wed he had a runny nose and was sneezing and maybe had a cold so wanted to stay in. I said ok and went on my own. So it seems that even if I did not have the emergency he would have cancelled Wed and the weekend too. Fine but what is bothering me is: 1- after the very stressful circuntances that brought me to the hospital and seeing that he would ‘miss’ me not seeing me this week and kept offering virtual hugs - runny nose and sneezing is not a strong enough reason to refuse to see, hug, support and listen over a quick meal at a restaurant that is close to his house (walking distance) - he never complained of headache or thriat / body ache and even said he ‘thinks’ he has a cold. Runny nose and sneeze are very mild symptons to stop someone from doing something unless they don’t want to imo but I’m here to hear your opinions. 2- He never called or offered to call. If I asked he would, but it never crossed his mind. Text only. 3- if he wanted to send care package or flowers he could without asking. Maybe I’m overthinking but #1 is the thing that bothers me the most, maybe because I know I can endure some discomfort if I only have runny nose and sneezing. We’ve seen each other in those circuntances before where either one of us was not 100% I’m late 40s, he is mid 50s and seeing each other for 18 months Opinions?

TipsyJoker · 07/12/2024 13:08

kelllogss · 07/12/2024 12:59

There is what ppl think you might need and what you really need

Did I need him to come to the hospital? no
Did I need a care package? no

I didn’t need anything until I had some time to spend away from the situation and would be good to meet with him and debrief - this is what I’d say I needed
He could have said he had a runny nose and ask if I wanted to risk it
When you want to help someone is about what they need even if short notice and as circuntances present itself not what you think they need

Or maybe I’m just watching too many movies

Yes but he couldn’t provide what you needed at that point because he was feeling under the weather and probably didn’t want to spread germs to you and your sick daughter. So, he did the right thing in my opinion. You should dump this guy and let him find someone who won’t constantly be on his case and criticising him, no matter what he does. As someone else said, he can’t do anything right so let him go and find someone who will appreciate him. If you were a man I’d think you were probably emotionally abusive. It’s all about you. Your partner is there to serve your needs regardless of this needs. It doesn’t sound like a two way street. You don’t care that your partner was maybe feeling rotten. It suited you and now you’re going to punish him emotionally because he didn’t ask how high when you said jump.

rainbowstardrops · 07/12/2024 13:16

He told you he wasn't feeling great and that he thought he might have a cold. Why didn't YOU make the effort to go and see him instead of expecting him to come to the restaurant with you. You could have picked him up some pills and a takeaway. I don't imagine he's sat there right now thinking how you wasn't there for him, like you are to him!

Original poster

kelllogss · 07/12/2024 13:23

TipsyJoker · 07/12/2024 13:08

Yes but he couldn’t provide what you needed at that point because he was feeling under the weather and probably didn’t want to spread germs to you and your sick daughter. So, he did the right thing in my opinion. You should dump this guy and let him find someone who won’t constantly be on his case and criticising him, no matter what he does. As someone else said, he can’t do anything right so let him go and find someone who will appreciate him. If you were a man I’d think you were probably emotionally abusive. It’s all about you. Your partner is there to serve your needs regardless of this needs. It doesn’t sound like a two way street. You don’t care that your partner was maybe feeling rotten. It suited you and now you’re going to punish him emotionally because he didn’t ask how high when you said jump.

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You are assuming that I demand things all the time

You are assuming that I expressed discontentment or complained about him not meeting me

You are assuming that I always have unmetable needs

You are assuming that he never needed me and I never went out of my way to help him

After 18 months together, I just took him at face value
“Thanks—I would, but I think I have a cold. Been congested, runny nose, and sneezing on and off (worse in morning and at night) since Wednesday evening, so I’m just going to stay in. 🤧😷”

At any point he says feeling rotten or ill or sick or in pain.
It does sound like man flu to me
He never said “I dont want to spread whatever I have to you”

Or maybe he was worried that I caught something from the hospital myself

But you are right that he may not be the one for me.

OP posts:

Mrsttcno1 · 07/12/2024 13:28

I think you’re being really unfair to be honest, he’s offered things to help, you turned him down, then you randomly get time free and want him to say “how high” after you’ve said “jump”.

I also wouldn’t want to socialise with a cold, if I’m feeling under the weather then I’m not great company and certainly wouldn’t be the kind of upbeat person to lean on that you perhaps needed in that moment.

Original poster

kelllogss · 07/12/2024 13:28

rainbowstardrops · 07/12/2024 13:16

He told you he wasn't feeling great and that he thought he might have a cold. Why didn't YOU make the effort to go and see him instead of expecting him to come to the restaurant with you. You could have picked him up some pills and a takeaway. I don't imagine he's sat there right now thinking how you wasn't there for him, like you are to him!

Because I was on a very quick errand that couldn’t wait for another day and the restaurant was just there in between my house, his house and the errand.

If it wansn’t for the errand I’d just order anyway and not leave the house myself

He didn’t sound that rotten that he couldn’t press some buttons on his phone to order medicine and food online

Fancy that I few hours prior I’m taking my child to A&E on an ambulance and spending the night on the side of her hospital bed to fast foward bring medicine and hot soup to a boyfriend who is more than capable to order anything through ubeteats or deliveroo

OP posts:

Original poster

kelllogss · 07/12/2024 13:30

Mrsttcno1 · 07/12/2024 13:28

I think you’re being really unfair to be honest, he’s offered things to help, you turned him down, then you randomly get time free and want him to say “how high” after you’ve said “jump”.

I also wouldn’t want to socialise with a cold, if I’m feeling under the weather then I’m not great company and certainly wouldn’t be the kind of upbeat person to lean on that you perhaps needed in that moment.

Except we met in the past when I had a cold and he was fine and vice versa
And for much longer then a quick 1 hour meal

OP posts:

Whiteskies · 07/12/2024 13:35

OP, you sound really dismissive of him and you don't sound that you like him much. He is not your daughter's dad and he hasn't even met her yet you want to debrief him on an illness that your daughter is embarrassed by and would not thank you for talking about to someone she has never met. You don't need to have a reason to dump him. Let him go and find someone kinder and more interested than you sound.

TipsyJoker · 07/12/2024 13:39

You asked for opinions and when you get them but don’t like them, we are all the problem, just like your poor DP. Honestly, let the guy go and find someone who appreciates him and has some consideration for HIS needs and feelings. Good luck in the dating pool btw. I’m sure you’ll find someone who meets your incredibly high and unreasonable expectations.

Whiteskies · 07/12/2024 13:40

In your OP you wrote
'He also wanted to send a care package to both of us with fave treats and snacks so asked what we wanted but I refused because Dd would feel awkward knowing he knew her medical issues, she was mortified to be in the hospital anyway (it is complicated and they never met)'
And yet you wanted to debrief your boyfriend about her experience. Not cool.

Original poster

kelllogss · 07/12/2024 13:41

TipsyJoker · 07/12/2024 13:39

You asked for opinions and when you get them but don’t like them, we are all the problem, just like your poor DP. Honestly, let the guy go and find someone who appreciates him and has some consideration for HIS needs and feelings. Good luck in the dating pool btw. I’m sure you’ll find someone who meets your incredibly high and unreasonable expectations.

I never called him DP, I called him BF

OP posts:

Whiteskies · 07/12/2024 13:43

Even worse to debrief him if he is just your boyfriend. How would your daughter feel? Honestly OP, you need to think about your behaviour as well.

Original poster

kelllogss · 07/12/2024 13:44

Whiteskies · 07/12/2024 13:40

In your OP you wrote
'He also wanted to send a care package to both of us with fave treats and snacks so asked what we wanted but I refused because Dd would feel awkward knowing he knew her medical issues, she was mortified to be in the hospital anyway (it is complicated and they never met)'
And yet you wanted to debrief your boyfriend about her experience. Not cool.

He knows about the problems she faces and she knows he knows but receiving a care package straight when getting home after such traumatic experience would be too jarring and embarassing for her

Sending a care package through the post is easy isnt’t it?
It seems like listening and giving 1h emotional support not so much

OP posts:

TipsyJoker · 07/12/2024 13:44

Him: Can we meet on Wed?
You: No I’m not available till the weekend.
HIM: Ok I will miss you.
YOU: I am cancelling the weekend as my daughter is sick.
HIM: Ok. Can I help in any way?
YOU:No.
HIM: Can I send a care package? Tell me what you would like.
YOU: No.
HIM: Ok. I miss you.
YOU: Can you meet me immediately as I’m in a rush.
HIM: Thanks, I would but I’ve got the cold and not feeling well so I’m going to stay in.
YOU: You are not meeting my needs! What an arsehole!

TipsyJoker · 07/12/2024 13:45

kelllogss · 07/12/2024 13:41

I never called him DP, I called him BF

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Whatever. Same thing. Semantics. And you’ve completely dodged the entire point.

BlastedPimples · 07/12/2024 13:46

You sound really difficult, op.

I don't think you and this bloke are compatible.

I don't think he could ever do enough or get it right for you exactly how you want it.

You actually annoyed with him because he didn't fancy going out when you did.

Do him a favour and bin him.

ProfessaChaos · 07/12/2024 13:46

You sound really difficult and disagreeable.

What's the point in posting if you just dismiss everyone's responses?

Mrsttcno1 · 07/12/2024 13:53

kelllogss · 07/12/2024 13:30

Except we met in the past when I had a cold and he was fine and vice versa
And for much longer then a quick 1 hour meal

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But every cold is different. Sometimes I can have a cold and it be really just a sniffle, other times a cold has me not wanting to leave the house at all.

I think you’re expecting too much. He’s a boyfriend, one who hasn’t even met your child and you have said yourself your child wouldn’t want him knowing her medical conditions, yet you want to meet and debrief with him? Maybe he correctly knows he is not the person for that and is actually unwell!

litepop · 07/12/2024 13:59

kelllogss · 07/12/2024 12:13

I just wanted to point out that whatever could be sent without asking. I’m not complaining that he asked. He has sent stuff before without asking, just let me know it was on its way

I do get that he was not feeling 100% and preferred to stay in but sometimes situations call ourselves to push ourselves a bit and do something wouldn’t be our 1st choice? It just seems like weird that he wanted to see me mid week and weekend and kept going on how he’d miss me etc and kept offering hugs via text message etc but when the opportunity for real support presents itself he can’t do it because of runny nose?
I invited him for a quick meal not a challenging quest - he knows I have nobody else around and I didn’t want to stay out long anyway, just a quick errand and a quick eat

But I appreciate I gave him little notice although it was after working hours and he does his own schedule (also he never blamed work anyway)

The reason you gave him when turning down the care package was that you didn't want you Dd to know that he knew about her medical issues and that it would make her feel awkward etc.

Very valid reason, which he had presumably understood. The point I'm not understanding is how him doing this without asking would've had a different outcome?

If I told someone I didn't want a care package for that specific reason and they sent one anyway I'd be a bit pissed off

Original poster

kelllogss · 07/12/2024 14:07

Mrsttcno1 · 07/12/2024 13:53

But every cold is different. Sometimes I can have a cold and it be really just a sniffle, other times a cold has me not wanting to leave the house at all.

I think you’re expecting too much. He’s a boyfriend, one who hasn’t even met your child and you have said yourself your child wouldn’t want him knowing her medical conditions, yet you want to meet and debrief with him? Maybe he correctly knows he is not the person for that and is actually unwell!

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When you have a bad cold do you say:

I think I have a cold
or
I have a cold

He has heard many stories about my daughter’s problems from even before I met him - but I dont even talk a lot as I need a break from it too

I get it, maybe he doesn’t want to hear anymore especially since this one is a loaded one

Which just shows what everybody here is telling me - we are not compatible

And that is why I don’t class him as a partner because in my opinion, a partner would have made the effort when I needed and how I needed - not what is convinient
And believe me - I never needed anything up to now other than the basics and my basic is super basic as I’ve been throught a lot and learned how to be independent and self sufficient - but then what would be the point of having a BF offering care packages and virtual hugs that I don’t need if he can’t be there 1st time I asked for something - after 18 months.

I don’t know, as I said maybe I watch too many movies and maybe it is time for me just to be alone

OP posts:

Original poster

kelllogss · 07/12/2024 14:11

litepop · 07/12/2024 13:59

The reason you gave him when turning down the care package was that you didn't want you Dd to know that he knew about her medical issues and that it would make her feel awkward etc.

Very valid reason, which he had presumably understood. The point I'm not understanding is how him doing this without asking would've had a different outcome?

If I told someone I didn't want a care package for that specific reason and they sent one anyway I'd be a bit pissed off

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I did not want him to do it without asking nor I’m annoyed that he asked

The point was - he has my address, he has sent things before without asking and one of the things was exactly a care package which he chose the contents of - of course I didn’t tell Dd it was a care package for her (the issue at the time was much less than the recent one) I just said it was some random gift for no reason

OP posts:

housemaus · 07/12/2024 14:15

You're massively overcomplicating and dramatising this. Relax a bit. He sounds nice, he's just got a cold and either doesn't feel up to socialising or doesn't want to pass something to you/your daughter. Your whole spiel about the care package is very odd: he might have sent you things beforehand without asking but seeing as it included your daughter maybe he wanted to make sure it included things she liked as he doesn't know her/has never met her, and then you told him not to. So he didn't. Stop looking for ill intent when there doesn't seem to be any.

Cornettoninja · 07/12/2024 14:18

Honestly I’d say that this is either the wrong time to be in a relationship or the wrong relationship.

You’ve analysed his actions to the point of overkill and set him up for failure based on monologues that have taken place entirely in your head. You’ve set him up to fail with the ‘what you need vs what you ask for’ because what you physically ask for trumps what he intuitively feels every time. I’m reading very little about any sort of compromise or seeing it from his pov and the whole issue is completely framed with you as the main subject with no regard for his circumstance.

I’m sorry that your dd has been ill and I hope she is on the way to recovery or at least more comfortable at home.

IfIHadAHeart · 07/12/2024 14:19

You’re coming across worse every time you post. He didn’t feel well. There is literally nothing wrong with that. Picking apart whether he should have said he had a cold rather than he thought he had one is, frankly, bizarre.

If someone was picking apart my words at that level, they would very quickly become an ex DP/BF or whatever you want to call him. He has done absolutely nothing wrong. I’d have thought the fact that the responses are pretty much unanimous might be an indication you’re in the wrong.

Original poster

kelllogss · 07/12/2024 14:20

housemaus · 07/12/2024 14:15

You're massively overcomplicating and dramatising this. Relax a bit. He sounds nice, he's just got a cold and either doesn't feel up to socialising or doesn't want to pass something to you/your daughter. Your whole spiel about the care package is very odd: he might have sent you things beforehand without asking but seeing as it included your daughter maybe he wanted to make sure it included things she liked as he doesn't know her/has never met her, and then you told him not to. So he didn't. Stop looking for ill intent when there doesn't seem to be any.

the care package he sent in the past was for her with the kind of things he knew she likes even though he never met her (they are kind of unusual and he likes the same and buys from the shop regurlarly)

OP posts:

tuvamoodyson · 07/12/2024 14:24

Run a mile!!! (Him…not you!)