Tell me how this is to you

[Loopdeloop86]

Started a job 18 months ago. Naturally bonded with a 30 year old male. I'm 34. He was a cute baby face that made me laugh and he always joked about with me. You know the saying about boys who pull your hair. If he walked past he'd always tap me or flick my ponytail. But it was only me.
We chatted via Facebook purely about work. I know his family too. So we did occasionally chit chat. He had a girlfriend. I had a boyfriend. We never met up out of work it was just Facebook chat that wasn't sexual.

I found out in May he's marrying his girlfriend. Around that time he started looking more sad at work. People commented he seemed stressed. He sometimes messaged me but would just stop replying. I never messaged first or messaged twice.

He got married. Wife looks stunning. Confident. Happy. Their wedding looked gorgeous. So many guests. Followed by a honeymoon that wouldn't have been cheap.

He left where we worked in August. We never spoke again. Until September when he messaged to help me with something. We got into a chat. He thanked me for being there for a member of his family. He said I was the best person at work and I was too good for the place. He sent me a selfie and he was abroad. We chatted a little. Then same story. Didn't hear again.

A month ago he reaches out again. Tells me wife left. Its over they just argue and stuff hasn't worked out. He said they rushed into marriage and he doesn't think itl be sorted. He's on antidepressants. We chatted all night and again it stayed pleasant with a couple of sweet comments. He Said he wants me to be happy etc and my smiles always made him happy.
Heard nothing for 3 weeks. Then he gets in touch again. Said she moved back to try but it has not worked out. They don't talk. Have both agreed the sparks gone. The passions gone. They don't want it. He then proceeded to tell me he's liked me for a year. He told his mum he finds me attractive (she knows me) he said he was too scared to tell me how he felt about me. We've chatted all week. Yes it's got flirty. He wants to see me this weekend.
He feels genuine and nice..I do think there's always been a little crush there.
But I've just been on Facebook and his relationship is full of holidays abroad. Hanging around in groups of friends drinking and cute posts full of photos of them celebrating eachothers birthdays etc.

I feel absolutely no understanding why he would be remotely interested in going from that to me.
I feel I need to ask him a few questions but don't want to sound desperate. I feel he's downgrading.

I also need to hear him confirm they have both split mutually as I absolutely don't want to be uses or dragged Into things.

Really like him. Want to take a chance it's rare i like someone. But what do you think

The guy is waving dozens of red flags.

I think you need to block him and work on your own self worth.

he has disaster written all over him.

I feel like that too. Like he's just trying to rebound and he's fooled himself into thinking there's happiness over here

He's feeling down after he was dumped and is looking for an ego boost. If you are happy to be that then tread carefully. If you prefer a life of no drama, run!

When was the last couples post? If you looked at my eses social media that's what you would see on his too. We have been divorced 12 years! Some people don't use FB much. My last post was 7 years ago on my 50th. If you know his family you must know if he is telling the truth.n

He sounds like an idiot tbh.
The grass is always greener type.
If you dated him, he’s the type that would always be looking over your shoulder at the next best thing.
At best he’s flaky.
I would avoid!

Well he's come off social media. He hasn't posted since September. He still has the wedding pics up. It's all so fresh. I dont believe he's lying. It's gone to shit. Clearly. I have always had a soft spot for him. It's just feeling like what an earth does he think I have. I knew he fancied me all year which again made my head hurt because he was marrying a woman very different to me. She's blonde and blue eyed. Tattoos and no children. I have two children and I'm not putting myself down. I'm darker haired and brown eyes. I think I'm OK face wise. Not ugly. But it seems to me that they've travelled and partied and been surrounded by friends. I have friends. But to be honest I don't do all the social stuff really. Mum life and work. Coffee with friends. I've never been abroad and I don't go out drinking. It just seems almost hilarious when I look at it.

I'm going to message him and say are you and your wife both on the same page with splitting. The fact they are staying in the same house makes me think they have stopped appreciating eachother but not fully ready to leave forever.

If I'd just had that wedding I'd be trying all I had to make it survive.

So many red flags.

i agree with pp, you are an ego boost to him, for sure.

It doesn't sound like he's ready to be in a relationship right now. He needs to figure out why he rushed into the marriage and why it failed, and extricate himself from that relationship completely and tie up the loose ends.

I'm not sure if the antidepressants are new, but at least they're a good sign that he might be getting some professional help and support to work through his issues. Leave him to it; entering into a new relationship at a time like this would be very ill advised. As would entering into one immediately after a failed marriage. If there's something between you, perhaps you can explore it when he has worked through his issues, but don't wait for him. I wouldn't necessarily block him (unless you feel you need the extra resolve to avoid contact him) but also don't seek him out or initiate anything. Right now he's an acquaintance, a former coworker, maybe a casual family friend - that's it.

Oh no eff that if they are in the same house. Or take it slow and see how it goes. Or talk to her and see if she is indeed aware they have split. I wouldn't be jumping into anything given this new information 😔

Also OP - remove your self worth. You are worth so much more than ifs buts or maybes with this guy.

there are plenty of people out there who will be able to be all in with you.

Yeah it seems almost daft really. He's just panicking surely. I'm nothing special. Even if he thinks I'm pretty and always smiling. Why would I be enough when he's used to such a different lifestyle.

Antidepressants are new and due to the split. I think he's genuine but he might not realise himself that he needs to sort his marriage as I will only lead him to be disappointed. I do need to know the wife is done and theu aren't still in limbo.

Does that sound desperate of me if I tell him I don't want to get involved if they are still at a place where they may resolve it.

There's no way someone who only got married three months ago and has already apparently split up, is ready to date yet. Your lifestyles also sound hugely different. I wouldn't get involved in this as you will end up hurt.

I don't think their lifestyle is relevant. What's important is whether he is single or not, when he is, and this is confirmed by her and any mutual acquaintances you have, and they are in separate homes then you can consider whether you'd like to take it further. And definitely even then take it slow ( if it ever happens). Please don't be his ego boost because his relationship is rocky, I would distance myself and tell him to get back to you when he is single, and then IF you are too you might go for a drink. Until then it's best not to be in touch if you can't both keep it as a friendship that is open and everyone knows about.

He's told you all that?

I don't believe a word of it.

Hmm. I wouldn't be over-impressed by some engaged man flicking my ponytail at work in the first place. It's childish and disrespectful and gets your attention with minimum effort, and zero actual connection.

And I would be wary of anyone whose marriage lasted five minutes. Had they no idea how to communicate? No idea what marriage entails or how to build a life together and support each other with maturity, love, affection, kindness, fun and respect?

I certainly wouldn't assume a load of FB photos of holiday crowds suggest a wonderful and happy life that you couldn't live up to if you were in a relationship with him. A few posed photos tell you nothing - and I know it is a cliche but most of the people I know who post a curated glamorous life online are the ones in unhappy or failing relationships.

But if I were you I'd take a look at why these scraps of interest tossed to you by a man who has shown no evidence of being kind, reliable or emotionally mature are enough to secure your interest in him. Raise your standards. Have some notion of how well you want to be treated, levels of communication and mutual affection, genuine interest and connection. Meet him for a drink if you want but don't get involved until you know him better. And obviously only is he is definitely single and separated from his wife.

I messaged him. He said he thinks it's basically over they are going round in circles. So I said I think it's best we don't meet up until you two have decided properly. He said he respects my choice but would happily just meet up even as mates. Then he said in his head and heart it's over but he hates drama and heartbreak.
He's just said his lifes a mess and he hates it.
I do feel like I am not in a place myself to be there for someone trying to work this out. Like I have enough going on. So I think thatl be it now.

your self esteem is waaaaay too low. you really need to work on that

Alot of your post is fair. But he isn't a nasty immature man. He's looked sad for months. Yes probably stupid for getting married. But maybe when it was first planned they were loved up and happy. Weddings can take a year or 2 or 3 to plan. Maybe he didn't realise until there was thousands of pounds wasted. He is a kind person too. But yeah I agree he needs to sort it out one way or another. If you are giving up on a wedding after a few months you have alot to process.

I don't have low self esteem. Hence why I'm not settling for a person with one foot in his marriage still.

Yeah it seems almost daft really. He's just panicking surely. I'm nothing special. Even if he thinks I'm pretty and always smiling. Why would I be enough when he's used to such a different lifestyle.

⬆️ This suggests that you do have low self-esteem.

Love, he's married. Even enertaining his messages after he mentioned trouble in the marriage is ridiculous. He's setting you up as the bit on the side.

Even if he wasn't, how dare he share thus stuff about his marriage with you? What a pig he is! And that's an insult to pigs.

Even if they were over, which, they aren't, he still lives with her and get already flirting with some else, wanting to meet.

Depression isn't an excuse for that shit!
Clearly he's not so depressed that he's stopped trying it on with other women outwith his marriage!

Op, as others have said, your self esteem must be much lower than you thought to have entertained things this far. Give your head a wobble. Block him. And seriously consider warning her. Poor woman doesn't desrve to waste any more time with a rat like him. And thats an insult to rats.

You're not single though. What's going on in your relationship?

You say you heard nothing 'Until September when he messaged to help me with something.' If he was helping you with something, you must have messaged him first?

If you're both definitely single, might be worth having a bit of fun, why not? I wouldn't hope for anything long term though.

A waving dozen red flags? This is a communist parade marching down in Moscow. He needs a therapist, not you. If you feel it's too overwhelming gently let him know. A message every now and then is ok, but keep it short and sweet. under no circumnstances get involved with this guy until he's divorced, out of the house and has sorted out his sh-it.