Tell me how this is to you

[Loopdeloop86]

Started a job 18 months ago. Naturally bonded with a 30 year old male. I'm 34. He was a cute baby face that made me laugh and he always joked about with me. You know the saying about boys who pull your hair. If he walked past he'd always tap me or flick my ponytail. But it was only me.
We chatted via Facebook purely about work. I know his family too. So we did occasionally chit chat. He had a girlfriend. I had a boyfriend. We never met up out of work it was just Facebook chat that wasn't sexual.

I found out in May he's marrying his girlfriend. Around that time he started looking more sad at work. People commented he seemed stressed. He sometimes messaged me but would just stop replying. I never messaged first or messaged twice.

He got married. Wife looks stunning. Confident. Happy. Their wedding looked gorgeous. So many guests. Followed by a honeymoon that wouldn't have been cheap.

He left where we worked in August. We never spoke again. Until September when he messaged to help me with something. We got into a chat. He thanked me for being there for a member of his family. He said I was the best person at work and I was too good for the place. He sent me a selfie and he was abroad. We chatted a little. Then same story. Didn't hear again.

A month ago he reaches out again. Tells me wife left. Its over they just argue and stuff hasn't worked out. He said they rushed into marriage and he doesn't think itl be sorted. He's on antidepressants. We chatted all night and again it stayed pleasant with a couple of sweet comments. He Said he wants me to be happy etc and my smiles always made him happy.
Heard nothing for 3 weeks. Then he gets in touch again. Said she moved back to try but it has not worked out. They don't talk. Have both agreed the sparks gone. The passions gone. They don't want it. He then proceeded to tell me he's liked me for a year. He told his mum he finds me attractive (she knows me) he said he was too scared to tell me how he felt about me. We've chatted all week. Yes it's got flirty. He wants to see me this weekend.
He feels genuine and nice..I do think there's always been a little crush there.
But I've just been on Facebook and his relationship is full of holidays abroad. Hanging around in groups of friends drinking and cute posts full of photos of them celebrating eachothers birthdays etc.

I feel absolutely no understanding why he would be remotely interested in going from that to me.
I feel I need to ask him a few questions but don't want to sound desperate. I feel he's downgrading.

I also need to hear him confirm they have both split mutually as I absolutely don't want to be uses or dragged Into things.

Really like him. Want to take a chance it's rare i like someone. But what do you think

Do you have a boyfriend at the moment, OP?

You nailed it here, I reckon

Tell him if he still feels the same in a year you will meet up with him but not till then!

He's using you as a backup plan in case his marriage really does end. Doesn't sound like it's completely over yet.
I'm old and cynical, but I'd be wondering if he's looking for a place to live once they finally separate.

You shouldn't touch him with a barge pole.

Look at it objectively op rather than from the eyes of someone who fancies someone.

1. He's telling you all his marital woes when he's not even separated. How would you feel as his wife to find out he was doing that?
2. He's newly married and already trying to instigate something with another woman.
3. He's using you, another woman, as his free therapist.
4. He's supposedly depressed but, happy enough it seems to try instigate an affair.
5. You have no idea if anything he is telling you is true.

Why on earth would you defend him?
He's not nice. He's the definition of 'not nice'.
So what if hes nice to you? He's trying to get a leg over (at best) of course he's being nice to you.

Objectively however, he is pondscum.

Even if he wasn't trying to cheat, he shouldn't be sharing his marriage woes with another women. He should get help from a therapist and talk things through with his wife. See his gp for depression. Get the ball rolling on a divorce. NOT be flirting with other women. He's sick alright. A right sick bastard.

Ps: I wouldn't even touch him if they were divorced. Because I know he's either the sort of person who does stupid shit like marry people they aren't even into, and use depression as an excuse to hit on other women. He's a cheat. And a phony. And a timewaster. And a liar, of course, because I highly doubt he mentions you to his wife.

Imagine dating him and never knowing if he was badmouthing your relationship to some other woman, looking to cheat. Then he'd turn around and be like 'you knew what I was like, I was depressed before we married'.

MN tends to be very harsh and often things aren't so black and white. But in this case I do think a lot of his behaviour sounds a bit cheeky and not very respectful to either you or his wife. He sounds a bit like a man who needs some kind of partner and has switched his affections quite swiftly to you (or remembered your existence as it suits). I am really not convinced of his motivation here but none of it sounds great in telling.

What happened to your boyfriend?

Anyway; he's still living with his wife.

If he interested to know what she'd think of what he's told you and how he's behaving towards you.

The idea of meeting just as mates is disengenuous and foolish ..... You're not platonic mates. You don't see each other platonically.

He sounds like a car crash. Why don't you wait and see what happens there. Because at the minute you've got a married man, a few months married.... Coming onto you and giving you a sob story.

I think he thinks you're a vulnerable single Mum. I think he thinks you're a soft touch, of he's testing to see if you are.

As for his sad face - awww. No-one put a gun to his head to get married. If he was any sort of man he'd have been honest and delayed (at the very least) ..... So it might cause them to lose some money; how much do you think divorces cost???

The red flags are flaggin'.

Oh and I knew a (seemingly nice) man through a sports club who would flick my pony tail.

He had a wife who looked too young to be his first wife. When I asked him if he'd mind if I used one of his mannequins for a couple of hours for clothes I wanted to eBay (he ran a clothes shop) & he agreed; his (probably second) wife was all over me/the situation in a surface level polite manner but with a huge undercurrent of suspicion, alertness and territorial "ness".

Men who go around flicking women's pony tails at all, let alone while they're attached ..... Well, it speaks for itself; they're not exactly backward in coming forward, they're not exactly lacking confidence around the female sex, they're flirtatious, they've not really got boundaries.

Would you like your man flicking other women's pony tails and tapping them etc.?

What would you think of an attached woman if she was touching men playfully and flirtatiously (and entirely unnecessarily)?

You know the saying about boys who pull your hair.

No but I can tell you that this man is an arsehole.

After a breakup people ricochet around and do dumb stuff. If you seriously care about this person you will be doing them a favour by being a sympathetic, but slightly distant friend. If you don't, you run the risk of being someone in the debris of his marriage when he moves on. Do you really need something so messy in your life?

You don’t need this.

He says his head and heart are all over the place - this is not good for you

You said you feel he would be downgrading - this is not a good feeling for you

There's other stuff but these are the two things that jumped out. You clearly like him but you wouldn’t be happy with him.

Keep it that way, for your own sanity, happiness and self-esteem. Because the facts are - a married man is asking you on a date a few months after the wedding. He is not fully separated from his wife, he's just not happy with her right now and is looking for easy comfort elsewhere. That truly is shitty and immature, however nice you may think he is. I suspect the niceness is more yours than his..

He needs to sort his marriage out - stay and work it out, or leave - before involving himself with someone else.

He's already acting highly inappropriately and disrespectfully as if is.

The friendship thing is BS, and disengenuous.

He shouldn't be telling you any of this, you're not a close friend and it's clear from your post that it's not platonic.

He needs to confide in a friend or family member or counsellor - someone platonic; not a woman he barely knows who he's been flirting with while not single at work.

It's inappropriate and it's not fair on you.

If you don't have a go....you'll never know. Just be on your guard. Don't be used.

Your take on this seems to be - "big connection, he was forced to get married, now he wants out and wants me" (though you have slight reservations because you're nothing like his ex (and you come with kids/eventual step parenthood).

An outsiders take on this - he's a flirt/not ready to be monogamous/was a bit bored with his now wife and wanted extra gratification/validation etc. .... You're attractive and liked him, found him funny, had a soft spot for him so he got lots of validation from you.
He was already engaged and followed through on getting married. No-one forced him to. He could have gotten out of it or at least delayed it if he really wanted to. He didn't. Before the wedding, he knew the word of his imminent marriage would get around and knew that would make you think he was off limits/lose interest/cease giving him validation so he hammed up the sadness (which may have been real to some extent because maybe his relationship was stale etc).

He's now telling you his marriage isn't working out. This may be true to some extent but a. It's not over and they're not split so he shouldn't be engaging romantically with another woman ....(and b. it's not truly platonic with you, it's been flirtatious avd he knows you like him that way).

He's looking for, at least, more validation and attention ... At most to monkey branch to you. Looking for a soft landing from his break up.

If he even breaks up.

What happens then .... Who knows. I doubt he's even thought through the fact you're a single Mum and that involvement with you would mean (long term) being a step parent etc. I doubt he's thought past having attention, validation, distraction, a soft landing etc. I don't think he's thinking about your welfare or what's good for you at all.

His situation is a mess and his behaviour is highly inappropriate.

It was inappropriate from the start with you, from an attached man.

Would you really trust him if you were with him?

Would you like to be his wife with him acting like this and telling all this to another woman he knows through work?

Said she moved back to try but it has not worked out. They don't talk. Have both agreed the sparks gone. The passions gone. They don't want it.

Where is she living currently?

Where is he living currently?

I'd be interested to know what her take on the current situation is.

He said I was the best person at work and I was too good for the place

Gift of the gab/silvery tongued - as well as a pony tail flicker.

Some good advice here OP. Step back and make it clear you don’t want to get involved while he is still married, apparently not even separated and living with his ex/wife.

That said. Sometimes people make mistakes. Sometimes people marry the wrong person. I would be holding off meeting him or doing anything until his marriage is properly done and dusted. If he is genuine he should respect that and sort his life out before he starts chasing you. If not you will know his intentions weren’t good.

He then proceeded to tell me he's liked me for a year. He told his mum he finds me attractive (she knows me) he said he was too scared to tell me how he felt about me.

Has he not been married only three months or so?

He doesn't find it inappropriate to tell someone he had feelings for them while he was engaged to someone else, planning a wedding, getting married in front of their families & friends, going on honeymoon, shagging etc .??

Well the feelings couldn't have been too strong if he went ahead with all that (?) Plenty of people have faced the music when it's come to cancelling (or even delaying a wedding), but he just couldn't (?)

I think the attraction/flirtation with you has been conveniently intensified and invested with significance now that the marriage isn't going well and he wants a soft landing.

Would someone wise and measured and respectful (to themselves as well.ad others) not give themselves some time to process, recover, extricate, move on, the stock ...rather than instantly bouncing to another person?

Hrs like a human bouncing bomb.

I'd worry you'll get injured.

He’s sent you sporadic messages then stopped replying. He thinks you’re a mug.

He told his mum he finds me attractive

Lovely.

From a recently married man who's supposedly been "trying" with his wife.

The lack of boundaries and appropriate behaviour must be a family trait.

I'm sure he's a perfectly nice man but this has rebound written all over it. He is looking for someone to boost his ego and support him while his relationship is in injury time. The best advice I can give you is steer well clear - he is not in a good place to start a relationship with you. Leave him to sort his life out, you are not responsible for rescuing him.