Has anyone else just given up....

[AlwaysRight1985]

...on dating?

Up until a couple of years ago, I never found it an issue, I'd go on dates sporadically but usually there was no spark or we wanted different things (I can't have kids). Last relationship ended 3 years ago due to him cheating. I took some time off to work on myself including therapy for DV and SA survivors. Now I'm finally ready to get back out there... but...

When did men regress? Like seriously? It seems like every man who's single is either

a) a blatant misogynist
b) a Trump/Farage supporter
c) a massive Covid conspiracy theorist
d) all of the above

I see so many comments/posts on social media that just seem to hate women full stop. Look at the support that people have still for Andrew Tate, and for Conor McGregor (women as well). That's the issue I most despair about. It's not even just online or always extreme as well, but it seems to have a way of coming out. Apparently all us women are only good for one thing and we're just after their money most of the time!

Real life example - met a guy recently (made a post about it in fact) at a sports club (family plays, I don't). Seemed nice, agreed to go out this weekend... since talking it turns out that

a) He just wants someone to 'look after' him (yes he means cook and clean)
b) He wants sex on demand (hello - I'm menopausal with debilitating endo)
c) He already had plans on the night we were meant to go out.

Like seriously!? I don't think I'm asking for a lot, just someone who brings the same to the table that I do. I'm 39, good job, own home, well-educated, but most of all I think I'm kind and caring and loyal and I know I have a lot of love to give. But I think it might be time to just give up on finding someone - I'm not even after marriage, kids, etc. just a partner to spend time doing stuff with - and be just me with alllll the cats and allll the books (sounds more appealing right now!). I am also autistic but this doesn't cause me too many problems and I've had relationships/dates up to now...

Sorry it's long, just a little vent from me :)

I don't bother. I've been single for nearly 2 years. Been on a few dates. Been on all the apps. I've been ghosted by people l wouldn't look twice at irl; had some incredibly inappropriate sexual comments; quite a few who live at home still, and many many many who seem boring or disinterested or just openly want a sexual partner. I don't have time for this nonsense.

I am going to give speed dating a go for the experience, but if lm single for the rest of my life, then so be it. It's not what l wanted for myself, but rather that than being with the 'leftovers'. Women are single because we raised the bar. Men are single because another woman got tired of their shit. (OK, not all, but in my experience so far).

Well I haven't actually GIVEN UP but I feel your pain. Men are d|¢ks,
pr|¢ks or cr€€ps. Often all three.

I've given up on the apps.
They make their money through you remaining single and endless swiping. They don't actually want you to find love and delete their app (despite what some will say).

Men do seem to be far more immature and uncertain of their place in the world than I was expecting and it is quite off putting.

So I've decided to embrace singledom, travel and enjoy my peace.

If I meet someone organically I'm happy with that, if not, I'm happy anyway.

It's very difficult finding a man that either doesn't need looking after or they recoil at the mention of a relationship, endless about of commitment phobes that don't want to be exclusive, I've already had kids so not looking for that but just to find someone that appreciates me and wants just one woman they want to put the time in to have a relationship with is very difficult. Cats and books actually seems a better option.

It’s certainly very difficult. Harder the older you are perhaps, as you are likely to have less social experiences and ways to meet people in real life. I’ve got two teens, so life is pretty isolating and I work in an environment with very limited adult contact too.

I agree with a previous poster that the apps are there to make money and it serves them that you stay single and on their app. Mostly they are full of strange people hiding behind a few photos who treat you badly.

I don’t really have any answers, but I am with you on finding it a struggle and disappoint. Perhaps love finds you you don’t find it? You just live life and see what happens…. Not that inspiring, but it’s the best I’ve got!

When I last dated I struggled to find men who ticked all the necessary boxes:

1. Showered daily (properly, with soap or some adequate cleaning agent for the human body)

2. Kept and clean and tidy home (INCLUDING THE BATHROOM FFS)

3. Was NOT an alcoholic or binge drinker

4. Was NOT a recreational drug user

5. Was NOT in debt due to mismanagement of money, financial illiteracy or because of an inability to stop spending on utter junk

6. Was NOT a couch potato outside of work, and only wanted to sit on the sofa playing computer games for hours on end

7. Was NOT a mobile phone zombie

8. Did NOT strangle me during sex, having had NO prior discussion around what our bedroom tastes and boundaries are

9. Was NOT a misogynistic or racist twat

10. Was NOT a conspiracy theorist

11. Does NOT get the 'ump if I, as a woman, DARED to have the audacity to have my own mind, my own perspectives and not just kowtow to their opinions

I don't think any of the above is unreasonable, but I could not find it. For context, I'm in my mid-40s.

I do not bother anymore and it's been liberating to let it go - albeit something of an adjustment period as I used to want to find 'my person'. I've accepted the chances of finding them are incredibly slim and it's highly unlikely to happen unless I'm willing to compromise on any of the above (and probably more), which I'm not willing to do.

Life is very peaceful now!

Yep. Not bothering with dating at all now.

It's just not worth my precious mental peace.

And I'm troubled to read about strangling during sex being another thing to worry about.

Women are single because we raised the bar. Men are single because another woman got tired of their shit.

Very well said.

I ended my abusive marriage 6 months ago and honestly can't even contemplate the thought of having another man in my life. They all just seem awful once you scratch the surface. There's one I keep vaguely on the periphery in case I fancy some sex, but that's all he's good for and I have absolutely no desire to have a man as a partner again.

That said, I do worry about what that means for my life when my kids are grown up. Maybe I'll consider dating women instead.

No point in bothering. For all the reasons above.

After my divorce, I decided it just wasn't worth it. Nothing I see has changed my view.

Yep. I’m a fair bit older than you and all of my 50 something single mates have pretty much given up on men and we’re having lots of fun with a great group of female friends.

Theres really nothing I miss about being in a relationship now.

If someone turns up by chance then maybe but after a few months on apps with men old enough to be grandads sending cringey sex pest messages or being illiterate and monosyllabic, I’d rather just talk to my mates and get more sense 🤣

I’m pleased for people who find love online, but I’m genuinely perplexed about how they got so lucky. I’ve found the experience so unpleasant and frankly creepy most of the time. Yes I did meet a long term FWB there, and a couple of other seemingly normal people, but for the most part it is the most weird and disappointing way of trying to build a ‘relationship’… And there’s no easier way of seeing humans as disposable and disembodied as an app. Just keep swiping… there’s more where they came from….

How can he expect you to 'Look after him' you're hardly going to move in with him after the 3rd date. If you like him I would date him but be assertive about not living together as you like your own space.

Oh I've absolutely left him to it as he was trying to arrange a date with me that he had no intention of going on as it clashed with 'lad's curry night' - I knew and he knew what night it was so why keep up the pretence that we'd do something?

Also he's still living in a house with his ex of 20 years as they can't sell it and neither can afford to buy the other out.... I think that also answers your comment 😂

Yes, given up completely. As PP said, there is nothing I miss about being in a relationship. Every relationship needs a level of compromise and consideration for the other person, even if it's not particularly serious and I haven't found anyone worth the effort. I have spent my entire adult life so far considering other people, the rest of it is mine.

Your title is negative, but yes, I've realised I prefer being single. It took a few years of dating whilst simultaneously building a single life to realise it. There's just zero negativity in my life now, happy, contented, peace.

I've definitely given up. Tried OLD and met two guys but there was no spark. I just can't be arsed anymore. Plus, I doubt anyone would be interested in a fat 57 year old single mother who rents.

Thing is men don't really have much to offer me.

Company? I prefer females, they communicate more and better (for me).
Love? I've got kids/family, no one can love me more.
Sex? Ok, sure. But I like diy and that doesn't make me pregnant or give me an sti.

And that's the positives.

Negatives - none.

Men need to up their game really. 50 years ago they didn't even have to be likeable, women had no choice but to marry. Now we have choice. And once you've had kids, they're not offering much right now.

@arethereanyleftatall you make some very strong points there… 💯

Immature definitely.
But sometimes I find that useful. I mean I am the mature one in a relationship and I can make the decisions. Honestly sometimes they just don't understand life like we do.

Oh no, I need the same level of maturity at least. I make enough decisions at work every day, I don't need to have to make all outside ones as well 😂

Depends on where the immaturity lies. I’ve found often a lot of them are socially or emotionally lacking or undeveloped. And also there’s a need to control women maybe with those in the older generation nearer 50. Generalisations I know, but some of it rings true.

I make enough decisions at work every day, I don't need to have to make all outside ones as well

Possibly the men are thinking exactly the same thing?

May I give you another generalisation. One based on personal observation.

Most men who want, and are capable of sustaining, a serious long-term relationship will have got one by the time they are age 35 and in most cases by age 30.

You are looking at the ullage in OLD.

Yeah I’d likely agree with that, apart from maybe widows etc who didn’t choose to be alone…