Has anyone else just given up....

[AlwaysRight1985]

...on dating?

Up until a couple of years ago, I never found it an issue, I'd go on dates sporadically but usually there was no spark or we wanted different things (I can't have kids). Last relationship ended 3 years ago due to him cheating. I took some time off to work on myself including therapy for DV and SA survivors. Now I'm finally ready to get back out there... but...

When did men regress? Like seriously? It seems like every man who's single is either

a) a blatant misogynist
b) a Trump/Farage supporter
c) a massive Covid conspiracy theorist
d) all of the above

I see so many comments/posts on social media that just seem to hate women full stop. Look at the support that people have still for Andrew Tate, and for Conor McGregor (women as well). That's the issue I most despair about. It's not even just online or always extreme as well, but it seems to have a way of coming out. Apparently all us women are only good for one thing and we're just after their money most of the time!

Real life example - met a guy recently (made a post about it in fact) at a sports club (family plays, I don't). Seemed nice, agreed to go out this weekend... since talking it turns out that

a) He just wants someone to 'look after' him (yes he means cook and clean)
b) He wants sex on demand (hello - I'm menopausal with debilitating endo)
c) He already had plans on the night we were meant to go out.

Like seriously!? I don't think I'm asking for a lot, just someone who brings the same to the table that I do. I'm 39, good job, own home, well-educated, but most of all I think I'm kind and caring and loyal and I know I have a lot of love to give. But I think it might be time to just give up on finding someone - I'm not even after marriage, kids, etc. just a partner to spend time doing stuff with - and be just me with alllll the cats and allll the books (sounds more appealing right now!). I am also autistic but this doesn't cause me too many problems and I've had relationships/dates up to now...

Sorry it's long, just a little vent from me :)

Agree wholeheartedly with this!

I wonder whether a lot of women these days just don’t like men. If they’d rather be in a forest with a bear than a man then it doesn’t look good, does it?

I've been single for almost 14 years. DD was 3 when I launched into OLD. It was a disaster. I could write a book about the hideous men I met. Except no one would believe my stories.

I haven't bothered with OLD for a decade now. I'm very happy on my own and have a great network of female friends and colleagues. Every now and then I wonder if I should try OLD again but I really can't be bothered.

I'd like to have another relationship before I die but it just seems impossible. If it does happen it'll be in real life, not OLD.

Women are single because we raised the bar. Men are single because another woman got tired of their shit.

Couldn't agree more. I'm no longer interested. Life is more expensive single but infinitely more peaceful, and you can't put a price on that.

I read it that @TheYearOfSmallThings was being critical of these kinds of men rather than of you, OP. After all, why would he be Mr Perfect in your eyes if all he wants is sex and he's only offering companionship in order to get it?

I agree that online is not a true reflection, and I find myself attracted to men I see around me much more than when swiping some 2D photos. It’s just not how we are naturally meant to meet people is it? That said, it works for some.

I’m sorry to hear of so many sad experiences (I have a few of my own too and I agree it makes you afraid to try and to put yourself out there again…

@Wantitalltogoaway

There's a difference between not linking men generally, and not liking the abuse that women are subjected to by men. Only decades ago, women were encouraged to tolerate or accept mistreatment and a really dim view of their abilities under religious reasons.

That is not the case in the U.K any more, so women are less tolerant of bullshit than they used to be.

However, despite that, we now we have to grapple with how technology that has enabled men to treat women badly, such as the availability of violent porn, the risk of being filmed and violated across the internet, being tracked by an abusive partner. Even a man who lived not to far away from me was abusing his access & use of a good drone & camera (as part of his mountain rescue work), to spy on me and other neighbours in their own gardens, in my own room ffs.

So a bear in the woods is often seen as on-par with encountering a man, or maybe the preferable encounter by many women.

This.

Obviously, there are other factors at play, but I really believe that the reason why many women are single, especially into their 30s now, is because they no longer have has much societal or religious pressure to put up with absolute bullshit.

I get that violence against women is a massive problem. But it is still a very small minority. Most men are not violent. Most bears are.

The difference we know that about bears. They are who they are. Men hide it better, until they don't.

So you’d choose a bear you KNOW is going to hurt you over a man who most probably won’t? ‘Just in case’?

😵‍💫

Just because a very few men are awful doesn’t mean most are. I don’t think there’s any point someone dating if they don’t really like men tbh.

I feel like reading on here a lot of women have had bad experiences with men and that’s bruised them. And they’d rather be single, happy, calm than accept someone below bar.

Reading somewhere like Threads, it seems like men can do nothing right, and women can do nothing right when it comes to dating. I really hope it’s just the internet amplifying the extremes - you’re not going to come online and tell a measured, middle of road, meh story are you?

So I wouldn’t say it’s ‘a lot of women’ but the content we see is steering us that way.

One awful man/woman doesn’t reflect on the whole gender though. Surely everyone has a few decent men in their lives, dads, brothers, friends, work colleagues, that make you not give up?

But it’s scary how we are polarising away from each other.

I feel like the internet and OLD have a lot to answer for on that polarisation. We have been sold a bit or a lie by dating apps, and a lot of us are now quite hurt, bitter, and confused about relationships I think and the pool of people that exist. These negative experiences are making people retreat and not want to even try anymore.

I choose my own peace, as I said upthread. So, I understand why women no longer choose men. It's not worth it.

And I guess that’s fine.

But then they can hardly complain that OLD doesn’t work for them.

Polarisation is the right word.

I feel like some women are going into the whole experience with a chip on their shoulder, expecting men to be twats before they’ve had a chance to do anything.

Yes the misogyny is shocking. I don’t think it’s a political thing as such, I just think that men don’t have as much to offer because women can do almost everything men can. And they’re enraged about it.
add on-tap porn into the mix and a culture whereby it’s acceptable to buy women’s bodies and it’s a complete disaster.
I’m a family lawyer and so I see it more than most, but I honestly think the prevalence of domestic abuse now is horrific.

I have a whole album on my phone of horrific examples of men from hinge (when I used to do online dating, now I don’t date at all).

just a selection…

I’ve been OLD for a while and this is very far removed from my experience.

Sure, there are always some you swiftly run on by, but I’ve never seen any profiles like that at all.

Maybe it’s a location thing then but sadly this was not a one off.

so I quit all the apps and now I just don’t date.

But surely you could just not match with those ones?

well no I didn’t. But even when I got talking to people it wasn’t much better, if anyone would even talk to you at all. And I’m not an undesirable prospect for a date either.

online dating has had its day I think.I just found it depressing.

Yeah, I've thrown in the towel too, tbh. The last person I spoke to online was still clearly not over his break-up and was back living with his parents, but 'caring' for them. Sorry, but care can be done without living in the house...!!

I have good job and own my own place. I went on a few dating sites but didn't really see anyone that I might be interested in and one thing that has really riled me is that at 53, I'm still taking care of myself (but I'm no sex and the city gal), whereas all the men are either misogynistic gym sharks or huge beer gut and self-entitled. It's just not for me. So I've given up.

Is it the apps?

I mean, do you reckon speed dating or a face to face dating event would be better?

Don't know how to edit yet, so just to add...In addition to my day job, I work part time in a very posh bar/restaurant and I'm always amazed at what the majority of men are like once a few pints are inside them and the chat comes out. There have been few and far between in terms of being respectful. It's not the booze talking or bravdo - it is men amongst men sharing their stories and I tell you, a combination of that, MAFS, the stories of abuse and having a peek at OLD? No. Not for me.

I usually get men who are quite a bit younger interested in me, but I'm obviously untrusting of what they're looking for (sex, and I don't do casual sex these days; or mummying). It leaves me kinda nowhere. I agree with what was said earlier: the bar has been raised and I think a lot of men think compartmentally: Either look like a gym shark or 'because I'm nice she should date me'. Sorry, but a relationship should bring added value and I would give that, so I don't see why they shouldn't either.

Then there is the whole getting to know them and learning something awful 6/12/18 months in which just completely throws you...

@Wantitalltogoaway I found out by chatting to him as he basically told me as such. We spoke about what we were looking for and he straight up said he wanted to be 'looked after' because he works long hours, etc. (he says to me, who works 50-60 hours every week!). The sex thing - he admitted he nearly went back to his ex of 20 years (who he still lives with) because he 'couldn't go without sex'. In terms of the date, I told him to go out on his annual do with his mates and we'd do something another time, but no he was insistent he'd think of somewhere to go... I asked him a few days later and he said no, he could never let 'the lads' down - so just say so in the first place!!!!

@Spooky2000 totally agree - I also work part-time in a bar and hear it all, not usually towards me (as they know I have family who go in there) but women in general. It's water off a duck's back at the time as I've worked in this sort of environment a lot over the years, but it's still depressing to hear.

Totally agree about some of them not revealing their true self to start off with - my most serious relationship he was Mr Perfect for maybe even the first year or so, fast forward three years and I have no friends, no family, and he's beating me and worse on a regular basis...

Same, love. And that's what puts me off these days - the waste of my time, the fear of 'how far in will I be before...' It's all very well people saying 'yes, but that means you lock out love, too'. I don't see that as being a downside these days. I have sacrificed romantic love for the love of friends, family, travel, colleagues and on balance, I appreciate that to have a partner I would have to take a risk, but I'm 53, own my own home and frankly am worried about being hoodwinked. It is not worth the risk these days and I would now insist on a legal document if I were to live with someone, outside of a tenancy or other agreement. It would also take a long time and again, Im well aware having my lived experience that people can shift at the moment or after you start living together.

This is going to sound daft, but I would prefer to set up a women's collective for housing where somewhere big is bought, and men and family can stay but only with the agreement of the collective majority. I would feel a LOT safer financially and in every other way. They do exist. Perhaps I need to do one of my own.