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Original poster

AIBU to break up because of no proposal?

75 replies

therealmum1 · 04/12/2024 11:29

Been with my partner for 10 years. I’m late 20’s and he is mid 30’s and we have a child. For YEARS I have been saying how important marriage is to me, the last few years it has really got to me seeing everybody else around me getting engaged and married, yet I’m still met with excuses and arguments each time I mention it. I am now utterly miserable and I’ve said I want to split up because we obviously don’t want the same things and I’m fed up of being strung along.

He’s now saying this is the wake up call he needed and will sort it out but now I could end up with a proposal because I’ve said I want to split up, rather than because he wanted to, which won’t improve how I feel. Is it time to stop flogging a dead horse?

OP posts:
OhBling · 04/12/2024 11:31

Some people will say you have no right to issue ultimatums of this sort. But I disagree. He has every right not to marry you. And you have every right to walk away if he won't.

I'm also concerned that you have a child - is his resistance to marrying you because of finances? Are you protected financially if you split?

Oh, and this "i will sort" may well be a delaying tactic. So if it' simportant to you, stick a timeline on, even if it's just in your own head.

Mumlaplomb · 04/12/2024 11:32

OP you have a child together so is it worth losing the relationship for the marriage certificate? What is the rest of the relationship like? Is he a good partner and father? Do you own a property or have assets and are they in joint names ?

CaveMum · 04/12/2024 11:34

Unfortunately it’s something you will never know - whether he proposed because you threatened to leave or not. You need to ask yourself whether you can accept the possibility that he did.

You also need to set yourself a deadline and stick to it. Not just the proposal but the marriage itself.

What’s your earning situation? Are you a SAHM? You need to take into account your financial vulnerability if so.

Gettoachiro · 04/12/2024 11:38

Ask him to marry you. If he says no then you know.

Original poster
therealmum1 · 04/12/2024 11:38

Things aren’t great. He does his own thing most of the time and doesn’t do anything round the house.

OP posts:
Wistfuller · 04/12/2024 11:39

OP, you are one of dozens of these exact posts on here every week. If getting married is that important to you, do it at the start of your relationship. Don't have a child and cohabit, and then decide you want to get married, go on about it endlessly, and then complain that you're only going to get a proposal because you issued an ultimatum, not because he wants to. Of course he doesn't want to -- his behaviour has shown this. You need to decide whether the relationship is important to you, enough to want to continue it, or not.

Wistfuller · 04/12/2024 11:39

therealmum1 · 04/12/2024 11:38

Things aren’t great. He does his own thing most of the time and doesn’t do anything round the house.

So why do you want to marry him???

Marypoppinss · 04/12/2024 11:39

The fact that he will sort out a proposal because you threatened to end the relationship shows that he doesn't want to lose you and break up the family.

The fact that you threatened to break up the family and walk away because he won't commit to marriage tells me that marriage to you is more important than the relationship itself.

And even though things aren't great you still want to get married???

hmmmm

PrawnofthePatriarchy · 04/12/2024 11:40

I don't understand women who are mad keen to marry but so sad their DP hasn't proposed.

Propose yourself. There's no law against it. I did and DH accepted. I then made him get out of bed and go down on one knee for me.

If you propose and get a 'no' you know exactly where you stand.

Ggmores · 04/12/2024 11:42

I don’t understand why you want to marry him? Not doing anything around the house is so unattractive and disrespectful.

But, I also don’t understand why this needs a proposal. You both need to be on the same page, discuss it, then organise a wedding if that’s what you both want. Why are you hanging around waiting for him, it doesn’t sound like a great dynamic for a relationship.

GinaDreamsofRunningAway · 04/12/2024 11:42

therealmum1 · 04/12/2024 11:38

Things aren’t great. He does his own thing most of the time and doesn’t do anything round the house.

Why do you even want to marry him then?

Purplecatshopaholic · 04/12/2024 11:44

He doesn’t help around the house, he ‘does his own thing most of the time’, you say ‘things aren’t great’, he clearly doesn’t actually want to get married….. why are you still with this prince? Raise your bar and dump this loser op.

SoupDragon · 04/12/2024 11:45

Marriage can't be that important to you given you haven't proposed to him.

Wistfuller · 04/12/2024 11:54

SoupDragon · 04/12/2024 11:45

Marriage can't be that important to you given you haven't proposed to him.

And given that he sounds like a total waste of air, it's mystifying why the OP would want to marry him, anyway, unless it's to regularise their finances. In which case, she doesn't need a pretend proposal.

Wishimaywishimight · 04/12/2024 11:58

therealmum1 · 04/12/2024 11:38

Things aren’t great. He does his own thing most of the time and doesn’t do anything round the house.

Why on earth do you want to tie yourself FOR LIFE to someone like this??

Don't you have higher aspirations for a happier life?

Fraaahnces · 04/12/2024 12:01

I’m an old fart, so I’ve seen a few things. I’m going to be honest. If he was going to propose, he would have - without you needing to push. Everyone I know who has given their partner an ultimatum has broken up relatively quickly either after deciding not to marry or not too long after the wedding. In reality it shouldn’t be that hard. I think you can love someone but secretly know you want more or different, but be too comfortable or insecure to let that person move on. (And risk meeting their forever person.)
I can tell you that when I dangled around for 8 years in my 20’s. He was comfortable, but had a million reasons why the time wasn’t right or he didn’t believe in it, or he wasn’t ready - whatever. The more excuses he gave, the more insecure I became and the more important I realised this was to me. I left him. Changed jobs. Travelled. I was heartbroken for quite a while and had massive trust issues, but I had good people in my life and still had fun and gained some confidence. Eventually I met someone who was everything I never believed could possibly be true because there was no second-guessing anything. Nothing felt rushed or stressful - it was just fun, open and easy. We met in August. Engaged Xmas Eve. Married next August. First baby next July. (That I wasn’t supposed to be able to have!) We’ve been married for 22 years and it’s still a really happy, easy relationship. We laugh, we cry, we’ve been through it together and I can assure you we have never questioned each other’s loyalty.

TomatoSandwiches · 04/12/2024 12:04

He isn't what you want really, he doesn't sound great to me either.
I'd just end it tbh, you will always think in the back of your mind it was a pity proposal and not really what he wanted and you'd probably be right because if men do actually want to marry you they make sure you know it.

Sorry.

Dietingfool · 04/12/2024 12:06

Why do,you wish to marry him when the relationship isn’t good? Surely he’s right in not wanting marriage ?

Parker231 · 04/12/2024 12:08

therealmum1 · 04/12/2024 11:38

Things aren’t great. He does his own thing most of the time and doesn’t do anything round the house.

Why would you want to be married to him then?

Needmorelego · 04/12/2024 12:10

You don't need a proposal.
You need the marriage license from your local registrar office.
Make an appointment on a day you know he can attend and let him know.
If he refuses to attend then he doesn't want to marry you.
Only then can you decide whether you want the relationship to continue.

OhBling · 04/12/2024 12:11

If I'm reading OP right, it's not the proposal in itself, it's the agreement to get married which, until now, he has refused to do. Now he's saying he is willing to get married but is using the proposal as another delaying tactic.

OP - please think carefully about this. He doesn't sound like a great partner. What are the finances?

Lottapianos · 04/12/2024 12:15

All this proposal stuff is just bananas. Are you looking for a proposal as proof that he loves you, cares about you, sees you as a priority? If he did feel all of those things, then he would take on an equal share of the work at home and the parenting of your child. It sounds like he doesn't do any of that, and that's not going to change

He doesn't want to get married, that's clear. You need to ask yourself some very tough questions about why you want to be married to him

Daschund · 04/12/2024 12:17

We need to educate our DDs. If marriage and DC are so important do not have DC prior to marriage.
Plenty will flame me for that opinion but I see posts daily that could have been avoided if they weren't in such a rush.
DS got married last Spring after 12 years with his DW They were late twenties.
They never rushed because they wanted to travel, establish their careers and buy their first home. Being together a long time did not stop the beautiful proposal and large wedding they wanted, despite MN saying the opposite..
It seems to me that women are making compromises because they have DC before they find out who their partnertare.

TooManyCupsAndMugs · 04/12/2024 12:18

I agree with others, I don't know why some women cling to the idea that they need a big proposal to get married. My DH and I are married because we had an adult discussion about what we both wanted the relationship to be like so agreed to it, booked venue, bought outfits and invited family etc.

It was important enough to me that I didn't want to buy a house or have kids until we were married. So we didn't. That's what being important to me looked like!

TooManyCupsAndMugs · 04/12/2024 12:21

therealmum1 · 04/12/2024 11:38

Things aren’t great. He does his own thing most of the time and doesn’t do anything round the house.

Also wanted to say - a wedding won't magically fix your relationship problems. It'll just give you something else to focus on for a while. Once you're married, those problems will still be there.