AIBU to break up because of no proposal?

[therealmum1]

Been with my partner for 10 years. I’m late 20’s and he is mid 30’s and we have a child. For YEARS I have been saying how important marriage is to me, the last few years it has really got to me seeing everybody else around me getting engaged and married, yet I’m still met with excuses and arguments each time I mention it. I am now utterly miserable and I’ve said I want to split up because we obviously don’t want the same things and I’m fed up of being strung along.

He’s now saying this is the wake up call he needed and will sort it out but now I could end up with a proposal because I’ve said I want to split up, rather than because he wanted to, which won’t improve how I feel. Is it time to stop flogging a dead horse?

Find someone better? , find yourself? Find his stuff and pack it .
Flogging a dead horse? You are eating that dead horse as stew!

He sounds like a crap partner. Why marry him now?

Do you both own your home or is it all in his name? Do you both work? Have you sat him down and asked him to start pulling his weight around the house?

Unless you see big changes from him regarding all the life admin you do (never mind a proposal), I’d carry on with your plan to leave.

It might shock him into getting his act together. It might not. It might be just what you need starting a new life without him.

If things aren’t great why do you want to get married? Do you actually want marriage or just the proposal?

So true

I'm not saying that, you've missed my point entirely.. I'm saying the OP should leave if she's not been treated well, not trying to make him marry her. It's a recipe for disaster and a marriage won't paper over the cracks and will be more harmful to the child.

Don't marry him OP.
Why would you make things more complicated?
Lazy, does his own thing?
Be glad you never married.
Get away from him.
You deserve better.

It wasn't an issue for him, right up until it had a downside for him. And so, what, now he's going to propose and then how long will he string out the engagement? He doesn't pull his weight, he's made you and his child the background noise to his life, do you really want more of the same?

Fucks sake. I'm no "traditionalist" but this thread is yet another perfect example of why marriage/equitable partnerships should come before babies.

You've tied yourself to this specimen by having a kid with him. Marriage means fuck all now for him, he's not going to become a great dad/husband because he put a ring on your finger. He's already proving that by virtue of the fact that you've already got a child and he does fuck all!

Cut your losses and get out whilst you can. Believe it or not, there are still good men out there but you're not giving yourself a chance to meet one whilst you shackle yourself to this loser silently weeping into your pillow.

Be brave OP. You get ONE life. Make it one where you can be proud of yourself.

Why would you even want to marry someone you have to wheedle into proposing?

Child together notwithstanding, he's just not that into you. You still are very young with plenty of time to move on. Don't waste your life on this person.

Sorry, OP, but this seems completely accurate to me

Agree with this x10000

WHY do women continue to do this to themselves in the 21st century? If I lived to be 1,000 I'd never understand it.

I've just re-read your OP and this stood out to me

the last few years it has really got to me seeing everybody else around me getting engaged and married

which makes a lot more sense now. Also you are in your 20s so "competing" with everyone on social media presumably....

Please don't compare your life to others. You don't even sound happy with this man. Marrying him will not change anything.

Well you are very lucky you aren’t married! A relief.
This saves a good few thousands in divorce and custody bills.

At the risk of a feminist derail....
"Women don't do this to themselves", that's blaming the shiteness of men back on to us. If a bloke shows up his half-arsed true colours after years and babies then the woman isn't to blame. We are just built for bonding and family and trying to make it work, which often looks like crap-fitting if you throw in a few wonky attachments, plus societal norms, plus social media pressure for perfection, which is the shite soup most of us are fed from infancy upwards.

Personally, I would book a wedding if that's what you want.

Marriage will make it worse as he will have been coerced into marriage , rather than freely wanting to get married.

Very few “nagged -to - marry “ marriages last.

@CurlewKate can you elaborate?
What makes you think one fancy expensive day is going to help improve the relationship?

So you just want to be married? Even if it's to a tool? It won't make things any better I promise. Focus on what's best for your child (ie leaving this loser)

What’s your financial situation and whose name is attached to your house deeds/tenancy?

What does he need to 'sort'? Do you honestly believe that a big show of asking you to marry him means any more than him agreeing and saying he'll 'sort' it?
It will just bide him some time of having to do nothing any differently?
Do you think a flash, insta worthy 'proposal' is going to change him from the lazy, selfish arse he is?

Or is it that you just want that 'moment' whether is actually means anything or not. You may as well set it up yourself and just tell him his role 🤷‍♀️

Meanwhile, 5 years down the track, you're still not married or you're unhappily married because you realised that an actual marriage is far more than a dress up day with a party at the end.

Marrying him is a bad idea of this is the case

@LigamentBandy "@CurlewKate can you elaborate?
What makes you think one fancy expensive day is going to help improve the relationship"

I don't. I think marriage is a stupid idea generally. But the idea of the OP waiting like a good little handmaiden for a hearts and flowers proposal is even more stupid. Being proactive will at least force this awful man to do something.

@CurlewKate I kinda get what your saying ... But hopefully it scares him away.
(Deffo same opinion as you regarding marriage )

Yes a proposal won't fix this op

Can you afford a divorce? Do you live together? Share property and finances?