AIBU to break up because of no proposal?

[therealmum1]

Been with my partner for 10 years. I’m late 20’s and he is mid 30’s and we have a child. For YEARS I have been saying how important marriage is to me, the last few years it has really got to me seeing everybody else around me getting engaged and married, yet I’m still met with excuses and arguments each time I mention it. I am now utterly miserable and I’ve said I want to split up because we obviously don’t want the same things and I’m fed up of being strung along.

He’s now saying this is the wake up call he needed and will sort it out but now I could end up with a proposal because I’ve said I want to split up, rather than because he wanted to, which won’t improve how I feel. Is it time to stop flogging a dead horse?

Has he turned down your proposal?

Don’t marry him and split up anyway. He’s not interested in being a family with you, no point spending a lot of money and you realise it doesn’t change anything.

Why would you want to be even more committed to him then? He's likely to get worse, not better. Think very carefully, you might be better off without him.

Sounds like great husband material....

The relationship sounds crap so forget the proposal nonsense and dump him.

But, do take some ownership for ending up where you are. If marriage was so important you should have made that clear before ttc or having the baby. He fobbed you off because you let him. You agreed to have a child first as much as he did.

You also chose to have a child with a man who thinks housework is your job and below him. Why? They don’t change.

You’ve been naive and it’s come back to bite you.

Walk away, coparent as well as the two of you are able and work on your self esteem before dating again.

Why do you want to get married? He sounds awful.

You want to marry him because it's the done thing and everyone else is doing it, not because he's the right person to marry. Leave him, you're still young and you need to spend the rest of your life with a good person who actually wants you.

The man is not worthy of marriage. Dump and co-parent. Do you own your own house?

He doesn't do much around the house, you have to put him on the spot about marriage and things aren't great between you.
Let's think about this in a year or so, another useless dh and another divorce on the horizon.
Don't bother with this one. You are plenty young enough to meet someone decent and start again with your child.
You obviously got together when you were young and he is comfortable with the current set up of being 'mothered'. Not a good look OP.
Bear in mind if you did stay together long term he is going to change a lot as he gets older, would you really want to be his carer if that change happened tomorrow through illness or him having a life changing accident?

'I'm very old fashioned and think if you want kids, choose your partner carefully and make sure they're on the same page, then marry.'

I don't think I'm old fashioned at all, but I completely agree with you! It's just smart and pragmatic

So, why do you want to marry him? Is this even a relationship you want to be in? For the rest of your life?

If you’re not already aware of the concept, please Google ‘sunk cost fallacy’, OP.

Do you want to marry him or be married? There's a big difference. Do you want to risk ending up divorcing him because he is exactly who he is now in 5, 10 years?

I really recommend listening to a recent episode of Davina’s new podcast. It’s focussed on relationships and they say the #1 reason for most relationship breakdowns is choosing the wrong partner. It takes guts to admit we've made the wrong choice but not acknowledging it means we doom ourselves to a lifetime of unhappiness.

You only get 1 shot at this life OP, make it a good one.

https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/begin-again-with-davina-mccall/id1773104705?i=1000675178509

You're putting your needs above your child's. You're going to split up your young child's home and family for your marital needs?

This should've been discussed and finalised before children came along.

He doesn't sound like a good partner anyway so if you leave him, leave because he's not good enough for you and your child. Not because you don't get the marriage certificate.

Then why would you even want to be married to him??? Getting married wont make things better, prob will get worse.

A marriage certificate will not miraculously turn this man into husband of the year.

@TheTreeLightsAreFuckingMeOffNow the OP should not keep on the role of house skivvy for a shit boyfriend. The kid will think this is normal, acceptable, aspirational, which would be awful.

?????? Why the hell do you want to marry him then?!?!

Why do you want to marry this prince? Do you really think he'll improve if he gets married?

Why on earth would you want to commit to a "life time" of that?

You can't paper over the cracks of a doomed relationship with marriage or a baby. Trust me, I tried and ended up a divorced, lone parent of 3 by 28. The relationship lasted 10 years (of popping out sprogs whenever it got hard) and the marriage lasted 10 months before it disintegrated.

@therealmum1 My best friend was like you. She went on and on about a proposal for years. She didn't even love the guy but all that mattered to her was getting a ring on her finger. He eventually proposed (which was obviously all over social media with the obligatory "SHE / I SAID YES!!!" captions). Then reality sunk in that the ring on her finger didn't make her any happier and didn't really prove anything. He left her for someone else before they even started planning the wedding.

I'm not saying your DP will do this but please, please consider WHY you want to marry him. Are you absolutely in love with him and can't imagine not spending the rest of your life together? Does he make you happy and you feel like a better version of yourself when you're with him?

Or do you just want him to propose to "prove he's committed" and to be able to tell all your friends and family "look he wants to marry me!"

Please don't push a proposal for the wrong reasons because once the social media engagement posts, big wedding (with thousands of money spent) is done and dusted, all that's left is the two of you and your relationship.

I genuinely worry what is wrong with so many women... OP isn't the only one by a long stretch but why on earth would you desperately want someone to propose to you and then say - Things aren’t great. He does his own thing most of the time and doesn’t do anything round the house

?????

Absolutely this 100%. Same with "band aid" babies (which I know a few of!!!)