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Original poster

Am I in the wrong?

102 replies

Flowerpower456 · 03/12/2024 20:26

Met my husband in 2020. A couple of months before we met I had a couple of Covid friendly outdoor dates with a guy I met on dating app. He was very sweet and got on well but I didn’t feel a romantic spark. Didn’t even so much as exchange a hug on these dates . After 2 dates I said sorry but not feeling it and there was no harm done as he took it well and that was that. We stayed connected on Instagram and occasionally send a msg replying to a story , or wishing each other a happy birthday as we share the same one.
we have daughters the same age and last year I had posted about attending a local Xmas event at our local uni aimed at children of their age range, and he had msged me at the time enquiring about it as he thought his daughter would be interested.
roll forwards to this year and the same event is on again ( a couple of different time slots ) which I had booked for me and my daughter. I sent a msg to him to say oh by the way this is on. He replied and said thanks for letting me know and that he already had booked for him and his daughter to attend which happens to be during the same time slot as me and my daughter. He made a friendly comment about buying me a coffee.
Of course if we bump into each other at the event I fully intend on being polite and would have a chat.
my worry is is this inappropriate as we once went on a couple of dates? If you were my husband would you be cross?
I might be over thinking it but I guess I wanted to hear others thoughts. TIA

OP posts:
Eurosidney · 03/12/2024 22:53

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Original poster
Flowerpower456 · 03/12/2024 22:54

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I find that quite an odd thing to say. Do you keep in regular contact with every single person on your social media accounts?

OP posts:
mamajong · 03/12/2024 22:55

Flowerpower456 · 03/12/2024 22:42

you’d tell your husband about the once yearly happy birthday message?

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No but id tell him about messaging about attending the same event at the same time and having coffee there, I doubt he'd give a damn but the reasons for that is because I'd have been open and honest!

Original poster
Flowerpower456 · 03/12/2024 22:55

mamajong · 03/12/2024 22:55

No but id tell him about messaging about attending the same event at the same time and having coffee there, I doubt he'd give a damn but the reasons for that is because I'd have been open and honest!

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I didn’t message about attending at the same time. How many times do I have to say that!

OP posts:
MrsSkylerWhite · 03/12/2024 22:59

I’m clearly missing something.

I mean, why would it occur to you to message a random bloke about a kids’ meet up when you’re happy married?

Oh. Hang on. Maybe I’m not.

mamajong · 03/12/2024 23:01

Flowerpower456 · 03/12/2024 22:55

I didn’t message about attending at the same time. How many times do I have to say that!

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I'm not suggesting you did that deliberately but you have subsequently discovered you will be attending at the same time and have discussed having coffee. I am not suggesting it's a big deal, I actually don't think it is, which is why I'd have no problem casually mentioning it to DH. If you don't feel comfortable mentioning it then you have to ask yourself why that is? Is your dh particularly jealous or possessive? What makes you think he'd be remotely bothered?

BlueScrunchies · 03/12/2024 23:03

I really wouldn’t worry about this OP, we all have a past and meet friends in weird and wonderful ways, just mention in passing to your husband that you might bump into a an old friend at this event as you know he is going, you could mention how you met but I don’t think it’s strictly necessary. FWIW, I have a few male friends, some are exes from years ago, partner knows all about them and has zero problems, because we are just friends. We even went to one of their weddings a few years back and I stayed at another male friends (not an ex 🤣) house when meeting up with a larger group, no big deal. I don’t feel the need to know every single message DP sends to female friends and acquaintances (or any friend for that matter), and likewise, people are allowed to have private conversations.

Mrsknowitall · 03/12/2024 23:11

Flowerpower456 · 03/12/2024 21:37

I think I would read more into it by the fact that he felt the need to announce it…

my thinking is I go to the event, if I see him and exchange pleasantries then that’s ok and if necessary could then say to my husband oh I bumped into this guy I once met before you. I think that seems more reasonable than he announcing oh by the way there’s this guy who I went on two dates going today and we might chat so here’s a heads up. It almost seems like I’m trying to hide something that way.

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Don’t do that as that is you just being sneaky, you have pre arranged a date with someone you’ve had 2 dates with in the past, so you would be bending the truth and that’s not fair. Either speak with your dh beforehand or just don’t go, but don’t lie to him.

Eurosidney · 03/12/2024 23:15

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banality101 · 03/12/2024 23:23

The way that you have put it, it sounds fine and I'm with you on it.

But then I imagined my DP doing this with a woman he had been on dates with and realised I would hit the roof.

Mrsknowitall · 03/12/2024 23:24

Why don’t you ask your dh if he’d like to go with you, you can all have a coffee together then

Mom2K · 03/12/2024 23:24

Flowerpower456 · 03/12/2024 22:55

I didn’t message about attending at the same time. How many times do I have to say that!

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You messaged him about the event and then found out you were attending at the same time. Yes, we get it. You didn't arrange that in advance, it just worked out like that.

But you still can't tell your DH that you bumped into him there (which implies you weren't expecting to see the person) because you knew that he would be there beforehand. You'd be lying.

Opentooffers · 03/12/2024 23:26

I think you are overthinking this, and maybe it says more about your DH's attitude- insecure type? Can't be doing with insecurity and jealousy myself, but as you are in the situation, a workaround is entirely reasonable. Not important to mention, so what if you meet and chat with DC's there? Don't tell your DD how you met, or anyone, as there are no feelings involved, it should be irrelevant - old friend, met through work, whatever if anyone asks.

Mom2K · 03/12/2024 23:31

And fwiw - I wouldn't be ok if my spouse messaged someone they met through online dating to let them know of events they would be at. You didn't become friends. After 2 meets you barely know him and it didn't develop into an actual friendship, so I feel like greeting each otherand seeing what's going on in each other's personal lives on social media is unusual.

I don't regularly chat with people in my social media, but I don't have anyone on there that I didn't see regularly (through school, work, events etc) at one point in time.

stripeyshutters · 03/12/2024 23:33

I'm another who doesn't see the point in keeping touch and messaging a guy I had met twice. Are you that desperate for friends?

youve987456 · 04/12/2024 00:15

Really depends on your husband and his attitude. I see nothing wrong with it but maybe you should mention it so he doesn't think you are doing something secret. I've met ex boyfs for lunch and my DH doesn't care. His attitude is if you can't trust someone you shouldn't be in a relationship with them.

H112 · 04/12/2024 00:56

Imagine yoir husband was texting someone he went out with and she wanted to buy him coffee

Have some respect for your DP

Ratisshortforratthew · 04/12/2024 02:43

It’s fine, you’re making it weird with all the overthinking! I don’t feel the need to announce to my partner every chat I’m having on social media or every person I see in passing at events. That would be weird. There’s nothing to hide but equally we don’t give each other a running commentary of every interaction

Original poster
Flowerpower456 · 04/12/2024 07:20

Mrsknowitall · 03/12/2024 23:11

Don’t do that as that is you just being sneaky, you have pre arranged a date with someone you’ve had 2 dates with in the past, so you would be bending the truth and that’s not fair. Either speak with your dh beforehand or just don’t go, but don’t lie to him.

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I don’t know about your definition of a date but sitting in a lecture theatre amongst probably a good 100 people not even likely to be anywhere near each other isn’t mine.

OP posts:
Original poster
Flowerpower456 · 04/12/2024 07:22

stripeyshutters · 03/12/2024 23:33

I'm another who doesn't see the point in keeping touch and messaging a guy I had met twice. Are you that desperate for friends?

Lol, no but nice try to have a snide dig.

I knew he was interested in taking his daughter to an educational Christmas event at a university and mentioned it to him. That is literally it. If that makes someone desperate for friends then you need to evaluate your idea of friendships.

OP posts:
Curiossir · 04/12/2024 07:34

Sorry OP, I don't think you're being honest with yourself here. It's clearly occupying an inordinate amount of headspace for what you've said is a trivial meeting. And of course you should tell your DP.

Original poster
Flowerpower456 · 04/12/2024 07:37

Curiossir · 04/12/2024 07:34

Sorry OP, I don't think you're being honest with yourself here. It's clearly occupying an inordinate amount of headspace for what you've said is a trivial meeting. And of course you should tell your DP.

I’m just worried that my husband won’t see it for what it is. I guess he can tend to be a little jealous ( nothing ott) and I worry he will assume there is more to it based on how it sounds.

OP posts:
BarbedButterfly · 04/12/2024 07:45

The problem here for me is that you are willing to lie to your husband about this. It is a lie if you say, oh I bumped into Mike at x when you full well know he was going to be there as you have been messaging.

I would mention to my partner if I was messaging someone I went on a few dates with as I would expect the same in return. Even if you didn't feel a spark, he may have.

Either this guy doesn't matter at all, in which case why do something that could cause an issue in your marriage for a coffee. Or he does matter and you should have mentioned him.

The way you met does matter and if I found out about these messages after the fact and then found out you were considering a coffee then I would have an issue and wonder what else you weren't telling me

RavenA · 04/12/2024 07:47

I think this is a date. No matter how much you say it isn't, your reluctance to tell your husband the whole truth says to me that this meet up means something to you, beyond just a casual coffee and a natter.

Curiossir · 04/12/2024 07:47

Flowerpower456 · 04/12/2024 07:37

I’m just worried that my husband won’t see it for what it is. I guess he can tend to be a little jealous ( nothing ott) and I worry he will assume there is more to it based on how it sounds.

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Even so, you should tell him, IMO. He defo would see it for something other than it is if he were to find out after. Up to you of course. It doesn't bode well that there could be secrets 1 year into your marriage. Best of luck!