Neighbours copying us..

[sarahsoupy]

So hear me out as I'm sure most will read the title and think here we go again...

We moved into our house about 2 years ago. We have the same house as the neighbours, they're small detached bungalows and we're the only houses like this on the street.

The neighbours are late 70s, retired couple, they're very friendly people.

Anyway, since we've moved in, we've made some small changes to the house, and after each change the man next door has done the exact same thing to his house..

First he changed our gate, 2 weeks later, he changed their gate.
Then we put up a new house number on the front, which also says the street name in it, the man then put up a house number with the street name the same as ours.
At Christmas we put some lights up over the guttering, the man then put the exact same lights up over his guttering.
This hasn't happened yet but my DH said we were looking to get a new garage door, and he's now getting a new garage door.

Now to top it all off, we've just got a new electric car on finance, and a charger.
He's now got a new electric car and charger to be installed.

Our neighbours (opposite) have mentioned they think we're 'inspiring him'.

The thing that's odd as well is, when we moved in he kept saying how wonderful it was to have young people next door, he probably said it about 10 times to the point it was a bit cringey.
Him and his wife were extremely keen to be friendly with us when we moved in, they were talking about dinner parties, going out together with our kids, taking our DS out, lending us money if we needed it, calling us over the fence if they heard us in the garden, wanting to be involved with all of our goings on, wanting to know details of what we bought at the shops if they caught us coming home with bags in our hands - it was totally overkill and made us uncomfortable. We drew back a little and since then they've been bordering on acting quite off with us, which honestly has been welcome.

It feels quite uncomfortable, especially now other neighbours are noticing, as well as the fact they're no longer very friendly.
Anyone else ever had this scenario!?
Why does it feel like he's so invested in us and what we're doing, but also angry with us not wanting to be best of friends?

They sound very lonely .

They aren't lonely in the slightest. They are extremely sociable.

That is extremely odd. I would have to do something crazy (but not permanent!) and see if they copied that too. Maybe write some rude messages on your front window with snow spray.

Maybe they lack imagination and have to see how much better things look before they see what they could do in their house.

I don’t think this sounds bad at all they may think as they are the same houses they will look better in keeping with each other, maybe they are lonely and just genuinely interested in what you are up to, could be much worse x

Throw them a dummy by telling them you are getting a green garage door by such and such installled on such and such a date.

They will book theirs in to get done, then get a different one.

Also change your xmas lights and see what they do.

Just take it as flattery. They like your taste and it gives them ideas for what to do with their own place. Or you do something to yours and then they think theirs looks a bit scruffy.

People can be "sociable" and still lonely. Sociable can also cover desperate to talk to people or to connect with people.

Ooh that is weird!

The home improvements I can understand- sometimes seeing a neighbour with a nicer house than yours makes you realise you need to clean some things up. We had a great neighbour that loved our fun painted front door and asked if we'd be offended if she painted hers the same- it was a semi detached cottage so it looked lovely with matching doors, but it would've been a bit weird if we didn't know her.

@GasPanic has a great idea!

The car thing is weird- they're probably those people that are on the fence about doing anything until someone else does it and they're convinced.

It sounds like they're socially inept at best and concerningly weird at worst. Offering money and to take your son out sounds insane.

I know we could have some fun with it but it still doesn't stop it happening..

When we moved in we felt like he was trying to tell us what to do with our house.
At one point in the first couple of weeks, he asked us to come in and look at his house and "see if it gives you any ideas" were his words.
It felt like he wanted to be in control type thing and wanted the relationship to be like they were looking after us, because we were "young" as he kept saying.

And it seems now that because we've been doing our own thing without running things past him, the only way he can mentally cope with it is by doing the same. If that makes any sense?

I find it odd and uncomfortable. And quite honestly wish we had a normal, more distant neighbourly relationship.

You definitely need to tell them you are going to paint your house purple

This is one of those things that I genuinely wouldn't notice, and therefore it wouldn't bother me.
I cannot tell you which of our neighbours have electric cars, what sort of gate they have, what sort of number they have on their house, or any of that stuff, because it's just not important to me so I don't pay any attention.
Surely electric cars and new gates and things are all just very normal and mundane things to do. You doing it first probably just reminded them it was on their list.
Honestly, it feels like you're creating this problem for yourself by choosing to care about it. If you just ignore it then what does it matter if they do home improvements at the same time as you? What they do to their house doesn't impact on yours.

I think you need reframe.

Whatever the reason, they find that what you are doing a great idea. Why doesn’t matter. And, as you’ve said, neighbours have noticed THEM copying you - aka them acting weird, not you!

They also didn’t take kindly to you stepping back from them (because they were/are overbearing). That’s good! It means you set boundaries clearly and they’re working. The fact they dint like those boundaries isn’t your problem. What’s important here is the fact they’re not inserting themselves into your life as much. Win!!

Fwiw anyone who would have proposed to look after my dc within 2 weeks of moving would have had a big NO as an answer. And I’d have been weary of them for a long time. That was way past any boundary.

They may be neurodivergent in some way.

Age does funny things to some people. There by the grace of God go we all.

In the meantime, stay out of mentioning any of these situations with other neighbours, as this may stir the pot, and keep a low profile and go about your usual business.

Polite greetings and neighbourly help since they are elderly is fine.

Compassion and tolerance can go a long way. It will all die down once you’ve settled in and everyone will soon forget this was happening.

Try not to make it bigger than it is, take some deep breaths and “let them”. Let people do as they like, it’s really their life at the end of the day and they are free to do anything as long as it’s not breaking the law.

And quite honestly wish we had a normal, more distant neighbourly relationship.

Say what now? My neighbour has just been in to clean and change my cat box, because I have had surgery and cant lift anything. Glad I dont live somewhere that distant relationships are normal.

Erect massive blow up snowman, Santa gnome and lights on flashy setting. Observe.

We had neighbours that did similar… we bought a trampoline for our kids, so next weekend they did. We bought a paddle pool for our kids, so did they… When the kids were bigger, we bought a bigger pool, so they had to as well. The difference is that we both worked and they didn’t. I could hear them arguing about how they couldn’t afford the cleaning chemicals or the filter, etc… Sure enough, their pool was a green, revolting mess within days. We made a joke about getting a new car and can you guess what happened before the week was out? A black Mercedes turned up outside their place. It wasn’t registered and it never went anywhere, but it was washed every weekend.
This little street was a cul-de-sac with a very international community of expats from around the world and most of us had kids of roughly the same age. We had little street parties to celebrate important cultural events together because none of us could be with our families or friends… We celebrated Eid, Italian Republic Day, Diwali, NYE, Independence Day and German Unity Day and of course the people next to us were racist a-holes and chose not to join in. When it was our turn, we chose to freeze our bums off at the r end of January by having a street BBQ to celebrate Australia Day. (At lunchtime) They called the police to complain about being “excluded.” Given the number of times police had been called about their antisocial/threatening/violent behaviour and theft, it wasn’t taken seriously, but the cops that showed up sure did enjoy the sausages! (*a couple were from the same cultural background as some of the families in the street and became regular fixtures at these parties too.)

I dont think this would bother me at all.
They tried to be friendly you weren't interested and were slightly abrupt to put them off. They didn't love that understandably.
They see things you've changed and like them or think it looks better if you match or something.

Plus putting up Christmas lights is hardly copying is it.

I think some people have no confidence in their choices. So to be sure in themselves that their choices are right they need other people to make the same choice as them, they copy other people or they broadcast how other choices are 'wrong'.

The things that they have done are quite minor and don't affect you in any way, so if it was me I would just ignore it. But a good way to stop them copying you is to say that you wish you had made a different choice. If you lack confidence in your choices then they won't want to copy you. So, for instance say something like, "I wish we'd waited another couple of years to go electric, there are much better electric cars just about to come on the market" or "I saw a really pretty house number plate and I wish I'd gone with that instead of the one we have".

Another method which is a bit more of a mind fuck is to say that you will do something eg paint the door sage green and then after they have done it paint your door the colour you were always intending to use and say "When we saw it on your door we thought it was very pretty but not the look that we wanted".

You need to be careful.

Ultimately what is worse.

Them being obssessed with what you do.

Or you being obsessed with them being obsessed with what you do.

Okay so something which they haven't copied us on but caused a bit of a stir was our front door, which coincidently is sage green.
DH was made redundant a little while ago (luckily in a new job now), so we used some of the money and got a new composite front door. The old one was very thin upvc and let a huge draft through.

Anyway, when the guy was fitting it our neighbour was hanging around out the front constantly, keeping an eye on things, he even asked the fitter what type of door it was, then when DH went out the front, he questioned him and said that not composure, it's upvc!? Because he was seeing the white side of the door leaning up against the fitter's door. So DH told him the other wise was green and it was in fact composite.

Anyway, the door was fitted and that was that. It's on the side of our house if that makes any difference. Well, suddenly he started telling us he'd fitted thousands of them in the past and they're great doors etc. Just very odd, totally interested once again but showing he's not happy at the same time.

This wouldn’t bother me in the slightest, I’d take the imitation as flattery. The over familiar behaviour is just socially clumsy. A lot of people are very invested in their neighbours lives, it’s just human nature.

why would he think it was upvc just because it was white, does he have bad eyesight or something? we have a white composite door and there's no way you could confuse it with upvc, it's a totally different thickness and texture.

See what else you can make them buy, bonus points for a Chinese style ornamental fish pond and a Tesla.

Having a door number with street name on it is extremely common….they cost about a tenner on Amazon. Maybe someone bought it for them?
Electric car & charger….isnt that what everyone is being encouraged to do?
You seem to be taking a very unhealthy interest in your neighbour…live & let live!