Would you remove yourself from the family home in these circumstances

[Cannotseewoodfortree]

NC for this.

Try yo keep it as short as possible. Eldest DC17 (genetic disorder, severe learning difficulties). I have also an almost 15 year old in crisis. Undiagnosed ASD (waiting list), depression, anxiety, self harm (frequent cutting), recent suicide attempt and currently needs 24/7 watching over in some form to minimise risk for another attempt. They are either in school (small alternative provision) or at home. Social services are involved too due to suicide attempt.

The last few months have been very stressful esp due to DC2 being in crisis. They are not engaging with Camhs, psychiatrist. Also selectively mute. They only speak at home. Frequent violent meltdowns too.

DH works long hours, I work part time. I do all the appointments (2-3 per week), driving to school, looking after the DC. Household etc is also 100% on me. I am really struggling. DH is getting increasingly frustrated and is daily telling me I am a bad parent, I messed up the kids. I made them depressed, learning disabled, autistic etc. It's relentless (I do think I am a very loving parent who has been dealt a very tough hand by having 2 teens with complex needs). He even told DC2's psychiatrist that I am the issue and need to get evaluated for all sorts of personality disorders (he suggested borderline and narcissistic in particular) alongside and ASD and ADHD assessment (psych told him off for saying that). I get all these things thrown onto my head every day and I am now at a point where I wonder if he is right. Fact is, it's unbearable at home. the tension, the needs of the kids. Juggling work and caring and all the crap that is going on is breaking me. DH said he can take some time off work and is happy to look after the DC alone (something he has never done I should add) and he suggested they would be all better off without me. I am so worn down by it and I think the DC would be a lot happier not least because the arguments will stop.

Would you consider packing up and leaving - even if just giving it a go to see if it really does improve things? I don't think it will but I cannot see the wood for the trees anymore. and who knows, maybe it will help DC2 to get better.

I have no family and friends, no support network - I have some saving to rent a small room in a shared house. I wouldn't be in a position to leave with the DC before anyone is suggesting that.

Leave him and take the kids. He is abusive to you, don't think for one moment he won't turn on them. He may well do, hopefully he wouldn't but either way he isn't safe to be around.

I was like your 15 year old with the SH, suicide etc. I improved a lot after I left my abusive father and was able to strike out on my own.

It will be an even more toxic mix of, "they were fine with me I don't know why you find it so hard/it's the way you treat them" and "it's all your fault you made them this way, if you were a better parent I wouldn't have had to deal with all this"

This doesn't sound like a partnership to me. He also sound horrendous to you. It's not only that he isn't supportive, he is destructive to you! And frankly, from what you're saying on here, it sounds like you'd all be better off without him, not without you! If you're caring for your DCs needs already anyways, and he's doing his own thing with his money and time anyways, what's the point of having him? Have you looked into what you'd be entitled to if you lived alone with your DC (in terms of financial and care support too)?

Pip and child benefit are for the children and if you can only work 3/5 days the split can’t be 50/50 to be fair. At the bare minimum it should be 70:30 in your favour. Dh should be paying 70% of all expenses for the girls and doing at least 3 evenings and one day at the weekend. You are being exploited.

Do you own your home with your husband or do you rent? If home owner, I'd save my emergency funds for a roomshare and spend it on legal advice instead.

owned (mortgage)

I wonder if your 'D'H is narcissistic. It's very much a truism that people accuse you of their own faults. His behaviour towards you has certainly been very bad at best, and may be abusive.

In your shoes, I would reach out to my GP. You need help and they may be able to make some suggestions.

I think having a mini-break and leaving DH in charge is a good idea.

This has made me sad and worried for you, OP. It's this kind of behaviour (from your DH) that can push a person over the edge, and I would worry that him convincing you that you are somehow at fault/to blame will push you beyond your limits.

It sounds like you have been so worn down after such a long period of time, that you've lost sight of what is normal. Your DH's behaviour is not that of a reasonable, fair or supportive partner. He shouldn't be expecting you to pay 50% of everything when you only work part-time and support the children all of the time. It's not normal for him to expect only you to pay for absolutely everything for your children. They're his children too. Couples do go on solo holidays, but in a normal relationship, they would have an eqal opportunity to do so, and take it in turns. It is not normal for a father to galavant off on foreign holidays while telling his wife she can only come if she can pay for herself and both their children.

I am sorry there is no one to support you in real life. Please try contacting Women's Aid or your GP for help. You do need a break. Anyone would in your shoes. You've been doing an amazing job from the sounds of it, but you need to take care of yourself too. Even if it doesn't feel like it right now, please remember that you are not the problem in this relationship.

This is shocking. I cannot believe what I’m reading. What a pathetic excuse for a man.
so sorry OP… you need to leave him but make sure you get what you are entitled to!

He needs to leave. He is abusing you.

He’s abusing you. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this @Cannotseewoodfortree

.. life will improve for all of you when you’re not being abused and taken advantage of like this.

Im not do sure you leaving is the best course of action though. Why doesn’t HE leave?

Omg divorce him. He's abusing you financially and emotionally. Take care OP

My God you are one enormously strong woman.

But your user name is all too apt. You're in the situation and perhaps you can't see how absolutely horrendous your husband is.

Normally I'd say talk to your husband and try to work on the relationship but with this level of real abuse, I think you need to see a solicitor to find out where you stand legally. His behaviour is dreadful.

And wealthier as he would need to pay maintenance for his 2 kids.

I would see a divorce lawyer and get ready to file in January. You don't need to live through another year of this abuse and neither should your children.

If he wants you to remain the resident parent doing all the heavy lifting with the kids then there is a financial and housing cost to that. Otherwise, the boot is on the other foot - you move out, force a sale of the property and take your smaller share and make a small financial contribution to their care in line with your income. I know that's not what you want to do but the art of negotiation is looking credible. A divorce lawyer will give you a good understanding of your options and what you are entitled to.

Do your leg work, make a plan and get ready to turn the tables efficiently and with all the knowledge you need. I wouldn't say a word now, he'll probably be all sweetness and light until he thinks the risk is gone away while lining up his own ducks to blindside you and hide funds.

He even told DC2's psychiatrist that I am the issue and need to get evaluated for all sorts of personality disorders (he suggested borderline and narcissistic in particular)

Have you ever heard of DARVO?

(I think your husband might be The Problem, OP. I'm sorry you're going through too much 🙏 I can't offer specific advice re your childrens difficulties, but couldn't pass by and not comment on this.)

He has more saving and he has more spare money (he goes e.g. on holiday, me and DC holiday in the UK).

He sounds awful.

I wasn't trying to defend him, although I can see that my post might have looked like that. Sorry if it felt I was attacking you - just trying to see why he might be so awful to you - stress of being the main earner, IYSWIM.

I hope you can go away for a couple of weeks, and he can cope with his DC.