Would you remove yourself from the family home in these circumstances

[Cannotseewoodfortree]

NC for this.

Try yo keep it as short as possible. Eldest DC17 (genetic disorder, severe learning difficulties). I have also an almost 15 year old in crisis. Undiagnosed ASD (waiting list), depression, anxiety, self harm (frequent cutting), recent suicide attempt and currently needs 24/7 watching over in some form to minimise risk for another attempt. They are either in school (small alternative provision) or at home. Social services are involved too due to suicide attempt.

The last few months have been very stressful esp due to DC2 being in crisis. They are not engaging with Camhs, psychiatrist. Also selectively mute. They only speak at home. Frequent violent meltdowns too.

DH works long hours, I work part time. I do all the appointments (2-3 per week), driving to school, looking after the DC. Household etc is also 100% on me. I am really struggling. DH is getting increasingly frustrated and is daily telling me I am a bad parent, I messed up the kids. I made them depressed, learning disabled, autistic etc. It's relentless (I do think I am a very loving parent who has been dealt a very tough hand by having 2 teens with complex needs). He even told DC2's psychiatrist that I am the issue and need to get evaluated for all sorts of personality disorders (he suggested borderline and narcissistic in particular) alongside and ASD and ADHD assessment (psych told him off for saying that). I get all these things thrown onto my head every day and I am now at a point where I wonder if he is right. Fact is, it's unbearable at home. the tension, the needs of the kids. Juggling work and caring and all the crap that is going on is breaking me. DH said he can take some time off work and is happy to look after the DC alone (something he has never done I should add) and he suggested they would be all better off without me. I am so worn down by it and I think the DC would be a lot happier not least because the arguments will stop.

Would you consider packing up and leaving - even if just giving it a go to see if it really does improve things? I don't think it will but I cannot see the wood for the trees anymore. and who knows, maybe it will help DC2 to get better.

I have no family and friends, no support network - I have some saving to rent a small room in a shared house. I wouldn't be in a position to leave with the DC before anyone is suggesting that.

Have you explored residential?

My neighbour gets if for her DD

How does going 50/50 work if you can only work part time?

Too young, just first year at college. It's a very gentle and loving child. We would never get residential care for them at that stage nor is it something I would want and need. I will look into supported living in a few years time.

What would you like to happen?
What support do you think would be helpful?

It sounds very much like your family is in crisis and from the outside it’s easy to say that your husband’s attitude towards you is the problem.

Do you think getting away for a while will help you?

Sorry, I meant for respite not permanently

To give everyone a break. And a change for your DC

Oh my goodness, go. As soon as possible.

part time wage + PIP + child benefit. Very frugal lifestyle. no going out, no hairdresser, no socialising, just a little UK annual holiday. minimal spend on clothes etc. I just work and then I am at home with the kids. I just don't need a lot. Very small mortgage left. we are in a cheap part of the country.

We are financially not on equal footing. As I said, he goes on holidays abroad etc for example. but he is careful with money otherwise too.

He is horrendous. Watching you sacrifice everything and then criticising. I would take the holiday (presumably he won't see how hard it is for you as he won't be working whilst he looks after the kids). Then I would find a way to get rid of him, but keep the kids. He's no help anyway.

your husband goes on holiday without you and DC? With “his” money. And you and the kids go on holiday in UK with “your” money?

Wow. He won’t chip in for you and the dc to have family holidays?

I think your husband will soon find out how difficult it is to look after two kids. Book a holiday for yourself and Give him a chance to experience being a SAHD for a while.

sounds like you need a break.

your husband goes on holiday without you and DC? With “his” money. And you and the kids go on holiday in UK with “your” money?

yes. I wanted to join him this year abroad and he would have allowed it but only if I pay my share and the DC's share but this was too much. he said he doesn't have money to fund a holiday for us. tbh, we had a nice time in the UK nevertheless. And probably less stressful considering the DC's needs. I don't think we missed out on stuff.

What does your DH actually bring to the table? You're going 50/50 financially and you're doing all the home and DC stuff.

He sounds like an absolute drain on everybody.

Your husband sounds horrible.

Who does he go on holiday with? Does he have friends? What do they think of his attitude towards family?

I honestly can’t believe the higher earner would expect the lower earner to fund the dc holiday. He’s a terrible father. Selfish twat!

I suggest he feels like the all powerful one in your relationship. Hence him feeling able to just blame you for everything.

I don’t think I could put up with that, but you have probably got used to his treatment and can’t see it clearly right now.

You might be a lot better off both mentally and financially if got rid of this useless POS.

He would have allowed it…? So your family is in fact a dictatorship?
OP this doesn’t sound like anything close to a way a family should work. You take the hit on your finances beacuse of children that are his as well as yours. This is a massive red flag, and the way he criticises you and blames you another.
It looks like you have been rightly focused on supporting your children and have not realised the horrendous state of the relationship with the ‘D’H.
It seems like you’ve realized now you may well be much better off without him.

He is financially abusive as well as emotionally.

www.rightsofwomen.org.uk

Chuck the husband out, if you ask me.

What a wanker.

I imagine the household would be much healthier without him.

Your husband sounds awful.

This.

He has never looked after the dc by himself yet feels confident to tell you what you're doing wrong? Wanker.

Prioritise yourself for a bit. You can't pour from an empty jug.

OP I'm so sorry you're going through all this. You are a great mum doing what is best for her children. Your husband on the other hand is neither a good husband or father. I am shocked that he makes you pay for 50% of the household bills, whilst your earning ability is capped because you have to look after your joint children. He is benefitting from saving on e terms costs for the support they would otherwise need. To them make you pay for everything related to the children is despicable.

He sounds like a horrible, horrible person. He is emotionally and financially abusive. You would be so much better off if you were to separate! Your mental health would improve, your children would feel less stress, your ex would be forced to actually pay for his children...

Please contact one of the support groups mentioned by previous posters - and get him out as soon as you can. You don't deserve this.

You need a week away at an all inclusive. Lay on a beach with no decisions to make. Let’s see how he finds solo parenting two kids with extra needs.

Bloody fucking hell.

Excuse my language, but I'm not sure you realise how awful that actually is. Both in itself and in what it embodies - that he's not on your and the dc's team, he's out for himself only. The cold detachment.

And saying you made the children autistic/learning disabled (! - how exactly?) is pretty unforgivable.

I don't think I could leave if there's a real risk of dc attempting suicide. Your dh may be there but does he fully understand the implications of what could happen if the dc isn't supervised all of the time?

I think you definitely need a break for your own mental health but I would try and make water tight arrangements for your dc safety first. Then you can get some headspace without worrying about what's happening at home.

Your husband sounds financially and emotionally abusive.

I think your H should leave the family home. Soon. He sounds utterly awful OP. I feel for you, you're doing an incredible job by the sounds of it.

If you leave the children and anything happens (particularly with the suicide attempts) you won’t forgive yourself if something goes wrong. I’d book the air bnb for dh! He sounds like a tosser! I can’t believe he goes on holiday without you all! Why are you with him exactly?

Your husband is a complete bastard. He's financially abusive. He's emotionally abusive. He's lazy. He insults you.

If you did divorce him, you would be entitled to at least 50% of everything, OP. Don't think you'd only have the money for a little room in a shared flat while he got to keep the house. It doesn't work like that.

I think you should book yourself an AirBnB somewhere and leave for a week. During that week I'd get an appointment with a solicitor and tell them everything. I think you'll be very pleasantly surprised.

There's also a site called Entitled To which has a calculator which works out if you're entitled to any benefits if you do split up.

He's massively taking advantage of you. You need to face up to this, get some rest and take some action.