Would you remove yourself from the family home in these circumstances

[Cannotseewoodfortree]

NC for this.

Try yo keep it as short as possible. Eldest DC17 (genetic disorder, severe learning difficulties). I have also an almost 15 year old in crisis. Undiagnosed ASD (waiting list), depression, anxiety, self harm (frequent cutting), recent suicide attempt and currently needs 24/7 watching over in some form to minimise risk for another attempt. They are either in school (small alternative provision) or at home. Social services are involved too due to suicide attempt.

The last few months have been very stressful esp due to DC2 being in crisis. They are not engaging with Camhs, psychiatrist. Also selectively mute. They only speak at home. Frequent violent meltdowns too.

DH works long hours, I work part time. I do all the appointments (2-3 per week), driving to school, looking after the DC. Household etc is also 100% on me. I am really struggling. DH is getting increasingly frustrated and is daily telling me I am a bad parent, I messed up the kids. I made them depressed, learning disabled, autistic etc. It's relentless (I do think I am a very loving parent who has been dealt a very tough hand by having 2 teens with complex needs). He even told DC2's psychiatrist that I am the issue and need to get evaluated for all sorts of personality disorders (he suggested borderline and narcissistic in particular) alongside and ASD and ADHD assessment (psych told him off for saying that). I get all these things thrown onto my head every day and I am now at a point where I wonder if he is right. Fact is, it's unbearable at home. the tension, the needs of the kids. Juggling work and caring and all the crap that is going on is breaking me. DH said he can take some time off work and is happy to look after the DC alone (something he has never done I should add) and he suggested they would be all better off without me. I am so worn down by it and I think the DC would be a lot happier not least because the arguments will stop.

Would you consider packing up and leaving - even if just giving it a go to see if it really does improve things? I don't think it will but I cannot see the wood for the trees anymore. and who knows, maybe it will help DC2 to get better.

I have no family and friends, no support network - I have some saving to rent a small room in a shared house. I wouldn't be in a position to leave with the DC before anyone is suggesting that.

I think for the sake of your own mental health you need a break. However, your DH sounds very unsupportive in general- has he always been like this?

I think you should leave for a bit even if it is just for a short holiday or weekend away. You need a break and your husband really needs a better appreciation of what you have being doing for your family. So he should try 'walking in your shoes'! Leave contact details and keep in touch for the DC's sake. Then just see how things go.

Yes.

It will at least break the dynamics if the current situation.

Your "d"H will step up. With a bit of luck he'll see how hard it is.

yes, never been much involved (other than the main breadwinner)..

I'd certainly have a weekend away first, see how your nasty smu DH gets on. I think he'll beg you to come back or make threats to abandon kids, but if so it clarifies for you where the problem lies.

Agree with PP. take a break, away and alone for a weekend. Let DH take the reigns as he clearly thinks he can do better - let him
try.

I agree with PP who suggest a weekend or holiday away. Can you discuss with dc2 and see how they feel? Would they be ok with their dad taking over? If not, maybe he could leave for a bit and see if things improve.

I would take a break and it would be longer than a weekend. A weekend will just be a chance for him to be perfect for the minimum time, tell you it's easy and then just dump it all back on you. He needs a good long period of time to really get the day to day grind. I'd suggest booking a last minute cheapo foreign holiday for 2 weeks. Probably just as cheap as staying in a rental locally. This way you are really unavailable and unlikely to cave early.

Hugs xxx

Your DH’s abuse is the problem. Take a holiday - see how he copes.

The problem is, he won’t cope and your DC will suffer.

I wonder, too, if your younger child is responding to the stress of living with your elder child. Can your elder child go into some sort of respite care so your you get child can have a bit of focussed attention ?

Right.

Take him at his word tell him to book 2 weeks off work so that you can spend some time working on your own mental health and wellbeing. Book yourself into an airbnb and schedule some sessions with a counsellor (could be online so you don't have to coordinate with airbnb location). Be clear you aren't leaving, you are taking a short break away from the situation that you are finding overwhelming but which he is clear is easy to cope with, to find some headspace and work out how to cope better.

Ensure that he is on board with doing all the things you normally do solo. It won't help if you come back to a house that is chaotic because no one has been adulting in your absence.

Plan to return on about day 9 or 10 of his 2 weeks off and set aside time to talk with him. Either - he coped fine, in which case he's just more skilled than you at the home stuff and what needs to happen most urgently is that he becomes the primary caregiver parent and you become the main wage earner so that you can both have roles you can cope with. Or - it really is overwhelmingly difficult and he got just as overwhelmed as you and he realises that it's a lot more difficult than he thought and he starts to be on your side and be supportive through all the difficulties you are facing. Or he utterly fails to hold things together AND doesn't realise the magnitude of how crap he's been and how much damage he did - in which case you need to get rid of him.

Although it’s important to acknowledge this. That responsibility may not be the grinding emotional one like yours, but it is a significant contribution.

Yes. Take a break as a form of respite. Then consider whether your H actually adds anything positive to your life or whether you would be better off without his constant put-downs.

I agree with pp that it should be a decent amount of time- give H a true idea of what life is like and yourself a real chance to rest.

Yes, being myself I would.
For good.

I would go away for a short break. At least a whole week.

Not a weekend. Let him juggle the demands of work and two high needs children.

And then reassess. He is very unpleasant but I think you need some time off before you consider leaving permanently.

The harsh hand you have been dealt with would be easier if you had a loving and caring partner.

He's taking his frustrations and anger out on you, the very person who he should be cherishing and appreciating.

You should be each others rock but in stead he is throwing rocks AT you.

Please stand up for yourself and do not tolerate such nastiness from him.

Take a holiday and let him cope with it all. Make it clear to your children if they are able to understand that mummy is going away for x days as she doesn't feel well but will be back on x day.

Whilst away make it clear to your husband that your phone will not be on.

I wouldn't move out (yet) but I would definitely take a break for at least 2 weeks. You need to fill up your cup and your "d"H needs to step up and get a nice healthy dose of what is going on.

For what it's worth, you have a husband problem on top of everything else. Armchair diagnosing you with borderline and narcissistic personality disorder is not what supportive, equal, loving partners do.

Have a break, get some perspective and see how you get on.

I suggest a week off too. Book a holiday, something like a yoga retreat, or with exercise built in. Really reset and come back refreshed. Do not take your phone and don’t interact with dh of the girls at all. I know this will be very hard but you need some space to remember yourself.

Sorry, I wanted to add that you are doing an incredible job juggling all this. I am really sorry to hear of your DCs struggles. Have a big hug too x

A week in the sun would do you the world of good. Let's see how well dh will manage.

A week away minimum. Completely reasonable to do this - lots of parents do this as a routine, it’s absolutely fine to take a break for yourself.

I agree something like a walking holiday or yoga retreat or something where you get out and about with other people and are occupied would be a great way to de-stress.

What a prince... I would definitely consider going away for at least a week to give your husband a chance to put his money where his mouth is/giving him dose of reality. You need a break.

Do you get any respite care?

(PS your husband is a pig)

We do not have a joint account though. we go 50/50 on everything despite him out earning me. He has more saving and he has more spare money (he goes e.g. on holiday, me and DC holiday in the UK). It's not like he 'financing' me. But if shit hit fan, we would have to (and could) rely on his savings for a little while.

about 6h per month.