Parents' mistakes

[Atavist]

At a rational level I feel like I'm being completely unreasonable as the things that are currently concerning me should have been consigned to the dim and distant past. But for some reason they are very much bothering me, partly because I can't understand how my parents could have been so bloody dim about things and perhaps partly as I recently had a big birthday.

I'm not talking about any abuse, just decisions they made that profoundly influenced my childhood and adolescence - and consequently the rest of my life.

For example, I was sent away to school, but they didn't organise it properly so I started late and was consequently bullied quite badly. They also didn't visit very often, although I appreciate it was a long distance to drive.

I had a medical condition that was pretty apparent, but they didn't fully pursue a diagnosis until it was too late to escape the psychological effects.

I developed OCD as a teenager, but my mum's way of dealing that was to ridicule me.

My dad was emotionally absent to the extent that I've never been able to form a successful relationship. (Perhaps unfair to fully lay the blame at his door for this, but I feel it played a substantial part.)

I now really struggle with self-esteem issues, anxiety and depression and, lately, anger as I think, wtf were you thinking of when I was a child? I'm single and childless and just wondering what is the bloody point?

It's easy to question our parents decisions, however it's easy for us to look back and judge.

Not saying they didn't make mistakes, but having kids myself I've learnt how hard it is to raise children and how easy it is to get things wrong.

No one is perfect.

You can resolve these things by talking to them. How is your relationship with them now?

Have you thought about counselling to help you unpack your feelings?

I would definitely advocate talking to someone to un pick it all. Not all parents are willing and able to sit with the conversation and really listen without getting defensive. If they thought it was best then that’s a fact but it doesn’t mean it was best for you and they have failed you in this. I don’t think that mental and emotional health were perceived back then as important as it is now and you will probably get this mentality projected back at you from them if you bring it up. I think it was very much just sink or swim back then.

I don't really understand your first sentence as your first and second points are basically the same.

Of course no-one is perfect, but surely everyone knows that the transition to secondary school is significant, particularly if you are going to send your child away from home for months at a time. There was even an easy way to resolve this because of when my birthday fell.

My relationship with them now is basically good although can be fraught sometimes.

I've had lots of therapy which doesn't seem to have resolved anything much, much to my dismay.

I do believe they thought it best, but that's an (their) opinion, not a fact. I just feel it was very, I don't know - unimaginative of them not to realise that being the new girl could be very problematic. Looking back I realised that I was in a heightened state of anxiety for my entire secondary school career and at boarding school that means 24/7 during term time.

But yes, you're right that people had very different views in those days about mental health issues, unfortunately.

I think that the treatment of OP by her parents is a long way off 'not being perfect'. The OP's parents made pretty big mistakes. Sending her away to school and never visiting and mocking her OCD symptoms are things that are difficult to justify.

Counselling could really help with this stuff.

So you are saying that joining a school late is always traumatic and always results in a child being bullied, and crucially, that your parents would have known this but deliberately carried on with putting you in that situation? Or was it an unforeseen consequence of a specific group of children being put together in a specific situation?

At some point you have to accept that shit things happened to you, but spending the rest of your life being angry about it and blaming all your failings on your parents’ decisions and wishing it hadn’t happened is ultimately pointless. Neither you nor your parents can go back and change the past.

You say you want things to be resolved but what exactly does resolution look like to you? Acknowledgment from them that they made decisions which turned out badly? Them being distraught and apologetic for the rest of their lives?

I had a very abusive childhood. As a result I've tried so hard to make sure my children have the best I can give them.

But even though I've given them what I felt was a good childhood there's actually been things that they have told me as adults still affect them. As parents we are never going to get it 100% right and we are all just doing what we think is right at the time.

To be fair they didn't "never" visit. It was a long way and they did come sometimes. But there were a lot of leave weekends when I was left at school with a lot of children from abroad, and certain big events (like performances and important medical appointments) that they didn't attend. They were also always bloody late when they did come (pre mobiles, so constant checking to see if they had arrived and being disappointed).

I know, but as I said I've had lots of therapy.

No, I'm not saying it's always traumatic or automatically results in bullying, but I'm saying it's not that much of a leap of imagination to realise that it's better for your child not to be the one trying to catch up with everyone else academically and with friendship groups. Settling into boarding school at age 11 is quite challenging even when you start at the correct time.

No, I don't expect never-ending grovelling and I certainly don't think it was deliberate. I suppose it's just that as I pass the age they were when they sent me away and as I work with children at the age I was when I went, I just can't understand how they were so clueless.

I have said I'm probably being unreasonable and I realise no-one can change the past. (And you do sound rather defensive...)

Thank you. That is helpful to read.

I say it’s a fact because it’s happened and what’s happened isn’t changeable. People do what they do and we either have to find a level of acceptance and work to change ourselves or we stay stuck because what happened isn’t undoable. We adapt and grow around the experience, it’s this that needs working on. It’s rubbish and I have a similar experience and it’s really difficult to deal with and I’m still trying to change my mindset all the time.

Thank you.

I think what I'm struggling with is that I feel I'm always having to work at things but they don't improve - if anything they get worse. I had a breakdown over the summer, coupled with an unusual amount of (physical) ill-health this year, and although I'm largely recovered it's left me feeling very low and I guess rather maudlin.

I don't think you're being unreasonable to feel like this. They didn't take into account your emotional and medical needs as a teenager.

What you can do about it now is difficult as you can't change the past. Your parents are unlikely to admit their mistakes.

Our parents are just humans and we are only born to them via circumstances. some humans are shit unfortunately but it’s nothing to do with anything we have done, although the experience leaves us to believe it’s all our own doing. My own parents short comings lie entirely on their shoulders. It’s heartbreaking but sometimes we have to just leave them where they are and move on. Find joy in life without them.

I didn’t think I was being defensive, I have no skin in the game when it comes to boarding schools, just trying to see alternatives.

What if you had been taken in by lovely group of girls who helped you to fit in and catch up ? Is that too much of a leap of imagination? Some children absolutely thrive at boarding schools as they are away from toxic or abusive families. Some parents miss or are always late to performances with children at local day schools. Some children get palmed off on grandparents or nannys every weekend while their parents do their own things. You can’t generalise and say boarding schools are always bad for children therefore your parents deliberately made a decision that they knew was going to harm you.

Yes of course that would have been a much more positive outcome and of course some children thrive at boarding school (although I think a lot appear to thrive as they develop unhealthy coping mechanism). Ironically I spent time with some girls at a different school I visited and they were very welcoming - I do wonder how different things would have been if I had been sent there instead.

But I still think it's pretty obvious that there's no advantage to starting secondary school late, and a whole host of potential disadvantages - and that you don't need to be a child psychologist to realise that.

Also I'm not saying that my parents deliberately made a decision they knew would harm me - I have never thought that. They were naive and disorganised, but not malicious or neglectful.

I think we take it quite personally and believe it’s an attack on us and it’s done deliberately when in most cases they don’t think at all. The parents simply don’t see the child for who they are just a person who does as it’s told. My own parents were similar and I used to think it was an attack on me but it was just them not seeing me.

It really helps to take the us out of it, it’s nothing to do with us but rubbish parents. We are all worthy @Atavist despite people not acknowledging this. They didn’t do this to harm you, they did this because believe a different set of rules about life.

Of course parents make mistakes, but your parents did make some doozies. Mocking your mental health issues and being emotionally unavailable, failing to spot your health condition..

I'm sorry. Your feelings are valid.

They fucked up. The mocking your ocd is pretty egregious.

In hindsight it was bad for you but I still don’t think you can generalise and say it is obviously bad in every single case.

So what does resolution look like to you? What do you want to happen so that you can live with your past?

I get it. Children who experience emotional neglect don't always realise at the time because it seems so 'normal'and it can be a shock when you grow up and realise.
These children can grow up to be adults who are always looking after everyone and everything else but rarely look after themselves. In my case I came to accept that my parents were products of their own upbringing and moved on - because the goal is a better, happier life.
I attach a link to an article that helped me.
Emotional neglect

Every generation parents somewhat differently. My hippy influenced mom was equally clueless as to bullying, time and events. From a very young age I was fully expected to walk miles on my own (go from school to her workplace) make my own sport registration, organize buying kit and getting to said location on my own from 7-8 yrs. I guarantee you I missed my own recitals. She was happy kind and expected me to get on with my choices or life consequences. I attended 4 primary schools. My dh situation similar. Very lesse faire attitude. Different times different concerns different social climate.

I’m so sorry I missed that, apologies. FWIW I don’t think you’re being unreasonable - it makes sense for these things to have stayed with you.

You say they weren't neglectful, but they weren't there when you needed them, were they?

So I'd say that yes, it did border on neglect. They didn't consider your needs or your physical & mental health anywhere near enough, and turning up late/not turning up at all to big school events seems to have figured all too often. Maybe they didn't do it on purpose, but it does show that your welfare was not at the forefront of their minds.