Parents' mistakes

[Atavist]

At a rational level I feel like I'm being completely unreasonable as the things that are currently concerning me should have been consigned to the dim and distant past. But for some reason they are very much bothering me, partly because I can't understand how my parents could have been so bloody dim about things and perhaps partly as I recently had a big birthday.

I'm not talking about any abuse, just decisions they made that profoundly influenced my childhood and adolescence - and consequently the rest of my life.

For example, I was sent away to school, but they didn't organise it properly so I started late and was consequently bullied quite badly. They also didn't visit very often, although I appreciate it was a long distance to drive.

I had a medical condition that was pretty apparent, but they didn't fully pursue a diagnosis until it was too late to escape the psychological effects.

I developed OCD as a teenager, but my mum's way of dealing that was to ridicule me.

My dad was emotionally absent to the extent that I've never been able to form a successful relationship. (Perhaps unfair to fully lay the blame at his door for this, but I feel it played a substantial part.)

I now really struggle with self-esteem issues, anxiety and depression and, lately, anger as I think, wtf were you thinking of when I was a child? I'm single and childless and just wondering what is the bloody point?

I hear your anger @Atavist
Some stuff has happened and you wonder why on earth they’ve made big mistakes that resulted in you being hurt

I’m going to guess it’s simply because that’s where they are - they reacted like this because of their level of emotional maturity and this then lead to their reactions.
like not realising that starting at the time than others would have helped. Or that arriving on time (or even bothering to come) was important to you.

Add a layer too of societal expectations (like pulling your socks up,if you have MH issues)

I don’t think the idea of ‘needs’ was that common then tbh.

It is pretty unusual for children to be sent away to boarding school these days, unless parents are in the forces or living overseas. Do you know why you were sent away to school, particularly to a school that was so far away that they wouldn't be able to visit much?

Thank you. They are basically good people who did have my best interests at heart, but - well, I've already said it!

I suppose one way through "blaming" your parents is not to think of them as failing but as having limitations in their ability to really think about you and experience. That fell short of what you needed as a child - of course it did.
But perhaps they were limited in what they could do in terms of imagining how it may get better for you. Maybe their parents were limited in their capacity to really think about them, so they didn't learn it.

It's part of who they are warts and all.
Of course you are left with a grief for the parents you didn't have - And that is painful.

But although it's painful, grief is better for you and your growth, than grievance.

I didn't say that it's obviously bad in every case. I said that on the balance of probability it is very likely to be worse in the case of sending your child to be the one who starts later than everyone else. It wasn't essential - it was bad planning and also missing the obvious way of resolving said bad planning (I could have started at the correct time with the following cohort). I mean your child moving up to secondary school doesn't exactly take you by surprise, does it?!

If you want your child to learn to swim you could just chuck them in the pool and hope they catch up with the ones who can already swim - and some of them might well do that - but would you take the risk?

Sorry, I didn't answer your question. I don't know. There probably isn't a resolution unless someone invents a time machine and I'm not sure why I'm ruminating over it at the moment (might have something to do with the fact that I'm spending Christmas on my own this year as my parents' house will be full of my brother's family).

I would strongly recommend Crappy Childhood Fairy (Youtube) and a book called Adult Child of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C Gibson. There is a new school of thought that talk therapies are not always helpful or appropriate for treating complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD) where emotional dysregulation is an ongoing issue. Your description of boarding school, bullying, constant anxiety at school, your father's lack of emotional availability and, your mother's belittling of your OCD symptoms shouts emotional neglect to me.

I think they obviously made huge mistakes. Boarding school when somebody doesn’t want to go is a lifelong scar. There are groups for ex boarders to support each other through this, you may want to look them up.

It was always my huge fear that my parents would send me away, so my heart goes out to anyone it happened to.

My parents made mistakes, we moved around a lot unnecessarily and it made me very stressed and insecure. But I look at the age they were when they had me and can see they just weren’t mature enough. To be honest they still aren’t at times, and they’re in their seventies. I think boomers did have a rough deal emotionally being brought up, there wasn’t much understanding, tolerance or support and it shows.

So maybe look at their mitigating factors, how were they treated as children? The 70’s and 80’s were a very different time culturally, I don’t think parents had the awareness or the expectations that we all do now. They consequently messed up a bit more.

My Dad suffered a fair bit of abuse as a child, he’s always suffered psychologically as a result, I see him now in his seventies and just think there should’ve been a time when he let it go, but he never has. Maybe it’s about having enough therapy to try to reach a place of acceptance, you can’t change the past but you can change your future.

A lot of what is being said here resonates with me; parents that weren’t as emotionally literate as parents today are expected to be, but nevertheless kind, loving (in their own ways), fun and wanting the best for their children.

I’m sure my now adult children look back and wish I’d made different choices in my parenting but I was doing the best I could at the time.

No, they weren't, and haven't been at certain major points subsequently.

The being late really pissed me off and led to one of the biggest arguments in recent years when they turned up an hour after the appointed time for no good reason.

Thank you for those recommendations.

Yes, I think that is quite accurate. Although I'm not sure I would describe my dad as "fun" - he wasn't really present enough to be fun.

I totally understand why this is rearing its head . , it's hard to let pain and disappointment go . Have you looked into inner child healing ? It's really interesting and very helpful when those involved take no accountability .

I didn't have the best childhood but there comes a point when you have to stop blaming your past and take control of your future - counselling/therapy can be hugely helpful if you're struggling

I can relate. I was the youngest and had first borns hand-me-downs and rarely anything new or what I liked. I found a photo of me at probably 8-10 years old... Faded jacket, half mast jeans, holes in my shoes... Next to my step sister who looked absolutely beautiful in her pretty clothes. I'd NEVER let my children go out in faded/too small/massively too big etc clothes. It wasn't a money issue, parents had enough to smoke and drink.

I have a massive chip on my shoulder but try to ignore it. It was different times back and blah blah blah. I learnt to not even look for them in the crowd at school events. I just channel it into learning what not to do with my own.

I was beaten daily and embarrassed by my older sibling. Kept in 'my place' by a domineering control freak of another but my mum looks back fondly as how she was my 'other mother' taking care of me...

There's no resolution to be had. My mum denies or shrugs off everything. My Dad explodes at the first sign of confrontation. I suppose the only 'resolution' is knowing what not to do and be low contact with them. But if my kids ever come to me and say 'this affected me', I'd wholeheartedly do what I can to explain/ask for forgiveness and never, ever just write them off. I think that's the biggest difference.

Too many of such "parents" in the past.

I know, but - for the third time - I have had therapy.

Boarding School, fucks up a lot of kids unfortunately

The important thing now is to recognize that your needs were not met , accept that your parents did not and were not able to meet them for various reasons and acknowledge that now as an adult you are the one who is in charge of identifying and meeting your own desires and needs.

This is not easy to do as Jonice Webb explains in the previously sited article. But it can be done. It is a new skill you (we ) must acquire . It doesn't come naturally because noone taught us to put our own needs first. We learned to neglect ourselves and we must unlearn this!
It seems highly selfish at first but with intention, self encouragement and practice we can learn to attend to our needs and feel better about ourselves. Incredible as it seems.

I responded to your OP, no mention of therapy in there, maybe include the relevant information as not everyone has the time or inclination to read the drip feed. I stand by what I said though, there's comes a point when you need to leave the past in the past as you are fully in control of your decisions now as an adult, whereas you weren't as a child

It's hardly a drip feed. And a short 2 page thread. You can hit all to see Ops responses.

If you want to read all the posts, you do you. I responded to the original post, imo no need for a sniffy reply from the OP...if it's 'for the 3rd time' then clearly I'm not the only one with better things to do than read through every further response. Edit the first post or just accept you'll get responses based on the info you shared from the outset... seems like basic common sense to me, but like I said, you do you.

It wasn't intentionally omitted as a "drip feed", it was just a response to an earlier comment. If you don't have the time or inclination to read the OP's posts that's fine, but then maybe don't go dishing out advice as the chances are someone will have already given it or it will be obsolete for some other reason. You're not obliged to respond any more than you're obliged to read the whole thread. (I thought it was MN etiquette to at least read the OP's posts if you want to comment, but perhaps I'm wrong.)

That said, I do agree - I realise I am in control of decisions I make now. Just not so in control of emotional responses, unfortunately.

It was in my second post FFS - and only the fourth post of the thread. Just because someone else couldn't be bothered to read a couple of my posts either doesn't mean you have to start insinuating that I deliberately left out key information. You can't edit posts after a certain point anyway.

This isn't AIBU and I came here for support/advice, not to be needled.