Parents' mistakes

[Atavist]

At a rational level I feel like I'm being completely unreasonable as the things that are currently concerning me should have been consigned to the dim and distant past. But for some reason they are very much bothering me, partly because I can't understand how my parents could have been so bloody dim about things and perhaps partly as I recently had a big birthday.

I'm not talking about any abuse, just decisions they made that profoundly influenced my childhood and adolescence - and consequently the rest of my life.

For example, I was sent away to school, but they didn't organise it properly so I started late and was consequently bullied quite badly. They also didn't visit very often, although I appreciate it was a long distance to drive.

I had a medical condition that was pretty apparent, but they didn't fully pursue a diagnosis until it was too late to escape the psychological effects.

I developed OCD as a teenager, but my mum's way of dealing that was to ridicule me.

My dad was emotionally absent to the extent that I've never been able to form a successful relationship. (Perhaps unfair to fully lay the blame at his door for this, but I feel it played a substantial part.)

I now really struggle with self-esteem issues, anxiety and depression and, lately, anger as I think, wtf were you thinking of when I was a child? I'm single and childless and just wondering what is the bloody point?

I'm trying really hard too but like that worry there's still things I'm getting wrong. Was it things you knew at the time would affect them or was it a surprise to you? I'm constantly going into panic that "that" will be the thing I've done to mess them up, it's very hard, being hyper vigilant the whole time to possibly causing trauma

Thank you. "Drip feed" suggests something has been intentionally omitted so as to elicit a different response and that was not the case.

Yep OP, they sound pretty crappy, selfish, self absorbed and the lateness thing is awful, not to mind the mocking of OCD and general lack of care for your health.

I think you need to fully lean into how shite they were and decide what you would like at this point?

Apology, acknowledgement, distance?

They won't change so you need to focus on what you want.

OP, what was the therapy you've had focused on? Because it seems to me that you are very anxious to be lenient with your parents and not to 'blame' when what you perhaps need first is a full acknowledgement to yourself that they did fall very short, probably due at least in part to selfishness and disregard, and that some blame does attach to them, not only to 'the times'or presumed cluelessness. You don't need to do anything with that, but I think having permission to feel it, rather than keeping tying yourself in knots to be an understanding daughter (and bending all over again to your parents' 'world' and way of doing things, that you were subject to as a child and that harmed you) may be important, counter-intuitive as it seems, for moving forward.

I've shared my view, sorry it wasn't what you wanted to hear but that's the beauty of a forum such as this. I'm sure I'm not alone in not reading every single update on every thread, I'll leave you to it on this one but will continue engaging with mumsnet in the way that I want to, while you do the same. Different doesn't mean wrong or right and if you don't want to be 'needled' then perhaps don't be so quick to jump on people who don't give you the advice you want to hear. I wasn't aggy or rude, but if you want to start with 'for the 3rd time' and 'ffs' then expect your energy to be matched. I'm sure there will be plenty telling you what you want to hear so I'll exit and leave you to it

What I think, said much more clearly and concisely.

Being sent away to school can in itself be v traumatic, and OCD has been linked to a flight survival response (see Pete Walker, also https://francesca-eldridge.medium.com/ocd-and-the-role-of-trauma-6bfeebaa33bd). I agree with electricalb - think about what you want and need. Developing compassion for yourself as you realise stuff about your past is so important.

The therapy was very extensive (and quite intensive - twice-weekly for a few years) so basically covered everything!

I do think my parents fucked (me) up a bit, but of course I have focused on their failings so haven't presented a very balanced impression of them. It is probably something that would benefit from revisiting. More therapy - great!!

I apologise for being impatient. I do think it's a little provocative to talk about drip feeds though - it came across (perhaps unintentionally) as a bit accusatory.

This is what I have managed to do to.

Op, reflection is useful but only for a defined period of time - non-stop rumination is often a sign of depression.

I’ve learnt distraction techniques to move my brain on any time it thinks about the past.

Counselling, EMDR and associated techniques worked for a long time but ultimately I still went ping. I’m now on a mood stabiliser which has changed my life. I still need to use the techniques but everything is easier.

The OCD pre-dated being sent away, but was I think related to other things going on - the initial manifestations of my medical condition, for one. Of course boarding school is not the best place for managing OCD...

You can't just "get over" trauma, which is why ordinary, non-trauma-informed therapy is of limited usefulness.

Just because trauma happened a long time ago doesn't mean it's in the past— you live with it every day. Telling someone they need to take responsibility because X no of years has passed since it happened is victim-blaming. Trauma changes your brain.

Pete Walker is very helpful, you can read Bessel van der Kolk (The Body Keeps the Score), & the Crappy Childhood Fairy's videos are a useful introduction (she describes trauma as a brain injury—again, why you can't just "get over it"). Some of Gabor Mate's videos can also be enlightening.

In my case I came to accept that my parents were products of their own upbringing and moved on

Me too,
Very traumatic upbringing for my dad
Very stiff and ‘old fashioned’ upbringing (think 1800 type. She was brought up at her grand parents home until her teens) for my mum.

I personally find it easier to move on thanks to that understanding.
It stopped me wondering ‘But Why??’ And therefore allowed me to concentrate on me. Just me.