How on earth do I end my marriage??

[ChristmasHound]

What on earth will I say to my husband? It would have to be when the children are in school and possibly on a sleepover that evening. I will have a new home to go straight to. I feel like such a complete cow 😔

(Reasons for ending - EA/Verbal abuse/threats to harm me and himself and general twattish behaviour)

Although I know 100% that I am doing the right thing I still feel guilty and I know he is going to hate my guts.

I know given the EA/VA it has been recommended that I just leave and not tell him to his face but I don’t know if I can do that. Is it best to say I want to separate or be straight and say I want a divorce? It’s not helping that he’s being very nice right now/helpful with my parents/buying me flowers and paying for items.

Well done, you're being very brave.

To be honest, if he is making threats to harm you I would wait until he is out all day and just go. He doesn't deserve an explanation and you need to look out for your safety.

We had a general disagreement on the weekend, just about household stuff, very mild in comparison to some fights we’ve had and out of the blue he said - if this ends (our marriage) it won’t end in the way I think it will end.

It felt very ominous the way he said that.

If there's any risk whatsoever of violence then your safety absolutely trumps his right to a breakup in person or knowledge of all of the facts right now. You don't "have" to tell him everything right now.

Thanks. I honestly have no clue and am obsessing about the details. He tends to either be in work or home. He doesn’t go out on his own unless I’m with him. The logistics are a nightmare. I did plan on just telling him as soon as the kids go off to school then I would go, I’m just not sure about him coming home to find me gone and worry that will trigger him more.

I'd be tempted to have everything you need packed up before you have that conversation and also someone else close by who can step in if it gets heated - doesn't sound like he'd take it well so I wouldn't attempt doing it without someone else knowing and waiting outside! He's already made a threat and you should absolutely take that seriously.

You can’t end this in person , you need to just leave for your own safety. Also, do not allow any unsupervised access to your children after until you have assessed him mental stability. The ominous statement is very worrying. You should contact Womens aid when you leave to get advice on this.

He can feel you detaching which is why he made the comment. I would ring the police and bring them up to speed that you will be leaving and you have some concerns etc.
I wouldn't do it whilst the kids are at school. He could go and pick them up etc.
Id go straight after pick up on a Friday to your new place and then I'd call him.
make sure any find my friends/locations on Snapchat are turned off too. You don't want him tracking you in anyway.

I begged to tell me what he meant when he said it won’t end the way I think it will end - I joked (I joke when nervous) are you going to chop me up and bury me under the patio?! He said what he meant was he would make sure I was the one to leave our house. It wouldn’t be him (I’ve tried ending it before and he’s moved into his Mums for a few weeks)

I agree with the other posters; what he said is a thinly veiled threat. I would urge you not to end the marriage in person, alone with him, and make sure your kids are with a relative or friend.

Thank you all. The difficulty now is that he’s recently installed a ring doorbell so he can see whenever I leave the house etc. my plan was to sneak stuff out gradually then eventually leave on a chosen day.

I think that the recent installation of a ring doorbell is a worrying indication that he has an idea of what you're going to do and wants to keep an eye on you.

Can you somehow sabotage it? Or take things out round the back, or drop them over the wall to next door?

it feels like an escalation.. please be very careful and listen to the others who are advising you not to be alone with him, if you decide to tell him.
I wouldn’t, I'd just go.

If I were you I’d move in a new place whilst he is at work, get someone to help you who he can’t bully and leave a note, a man like that doesn’t need an explanation nor do you need to feel guilty that your not trying to explain to him face to face and endangering yourself, he will just make out your being unreasonable to guilt you into staying.

leave asap as the thinly veiled threat and ring doorbell means it’s escalating as he can sense you detaching.

Id have my stuff in my other home first and do it over the phone and id be blunt with it.

He is not n high alert to control you all ghe time. The important thing, for your safery, is to be a minimum (maximum) safe distance frim him when he realuzes you have keft. You do not have sn obligation to be physically near him or to hold his hand or serve as his physical punching bag as he processes this new information

If you feel like you want to have your say or need to explain it to him stop and think about that—it could be psychologically good for you but it is also extremely dangerous for you.

Whether it is for you or for him: Therapy is the place to write such a letter or practice such a speech. You may find eventually no need to share your thoughts with him: no need to Justify, Argue, Defend, of Explain.

At any rate the point when you are leaving is a massively unsafe time to be within range of a potentially violent man. Do both of you a favour and remove yourself safely before he can reach you to hurt you. He can process his new reality mire safely alone.

Throw stuff out the window and collect it kater. Or do it all at once before he can come home to stop it.

I'd tell him in a public place or have someone with you in the house when you tell him

Can you invent some WiFi issues that stop the ring doorbell functioning or does it not work like that?

Do you have any cameras at the back of the house? Do you have access to the back out of view of the Ring doorbell?

Op get in touch with your local domestic abuse service they can help you make a plan to leave safely.

No cameras at the back however I would have to go through a side alleyway which would eventually lead to the front entrance anyway. I will just have to sneak stuff out gradually without looking obvious.

I believe that if you turn your WiFi off ring doorbell will not work - maybe that’s a solution, so sorry for your predicament 😔

Speak to Women's Aid. They will be able to advise you on leaving.

Speak to your local police. They will have a domestic abuse specialist who will prioritise your safety and, if necessary, will send someone to be present as you move out.

Get a new phone. Make sure he cannot track you or contact you via phone. Have only one mode of contact with him which you can control.

Protect your children. Women's Aid can advise you on this.

Tell everyone - friends, family, work, school - what's going on so that they are aware. Abusive men hide in plain sight and it is important that you keep a spotlight trained on them so that everything (including them) is out in the open.

Enlist help to get your stuff moved out. Disable the ring doorbell if you can, and if not, cover the camera with tape.

Do not disclose your new location to your STBX and make sure that nobody else does.

Take all essential paperwork and documents so a safe place.

Change all your passwords on all devices.

Remove your name from any joint bills and bank accounts.

Get a lawyer.

Weldone !!

I say do not tell him in person either.

Have you got a backdoor to get your stuff out ?

He's threatening you, OP, you can't tell him it's over face to face unless in the presence of other people who are primed and willing to protect you. Think of your children - you can't risk him physically hurting you.
Get yourself and the children settled in a place with good security and file a complaint with the police before you let him know you're off - and do it by letter or text.

@ChristmasHound I seriously do not think you should tell him anything at all! for your safety and that of your children, you should just pack a bag and get it into your car, if you have one, along with clothes for kids. pick them up from school and go to your new home. do not tell him where you are going but perhaps let the police know and tell them not to divulge your address. maybe change the kids school and have all contact through a solicitor from now on!