How on earth do I end my marriage??

[ChristmasHound]

What on earth will I say to my husband? It would have to be when the children are in school and possibly on a sleepover that evening. I will have a new home to go straight to. I feel like such a complete cow 😔

(Reasons for ending - EA/Verbal abuse/threats to harm me and himself and general twattish behaviour)

Although I know 100% that I am doing the right thing I still feel guilty and I know he is going to hate my guts.

I know given the EA/VA it has been recommended that I just leave and not tell him to his face but I don’t know if I can do that. Is it best to say I want to separate or be straight and say I want a divorce? It’s not helping that he’s being very nice right now/helpful with my parents/buying me flowers and paying for items.

I'm two years free from my abusive exH. I told him we were done and was actively looking for a new place to live. That was a mistake as he escalated badly.
Have the new place ready, wait until he is at work, disable the ring doorbell (can you turn the WiFi off and blame it on that if he clocks it before you are ready to leave) don't worry about taking everything in one go just make a list of essentials to get you through a couple of weeks, leave and ensure ALL tracking of locations is off on ALL devices including the children's if they have them. Once safely in your new place with your children then and only then do you tell him you've gone. If timing to get both you and the kids to safety won't work then leave a note saying you've gone shopping so he doesn't suspect and react before you are all safe. Have someone you trust on standby or with you. Inform the police of your address and new address and get them to flag both for a fast response in case it's necessary.

Once left NO he does not have a right to know where his children are living, if you are happy for unsupervised contact then get a third party to facilitate drop off and pick up. Inform the school your new address is protected and to call you immediately if he attempts to remove the children from school without your prior knowledge. If he's on the birth certificate they can't legally stop him collecting but they can stall him to give you a chance to react accordingly.
Sounds over the top? No it isn't. The most dangerous time for a woman in an abusive relationship is when she leaves.

Read and reread this!

Just turn your electrics off for a bit.

Please PM me or ask on here @ChristmasHound if you have specific worries around logistics, it doesn't matter if they sound silly, nothing about your safety and the safety of your DC is silly and if I can give advice I will

OP, he does not deserve this consideration. He will know fine and well why you have left. Do not put yourself at risk by telling him you're leaving in person.

What is the safest way that you can leave asap - do that. Don't be in the same room as him. Take what you need and don't go back. He deserves nothing more from you.

Well done on arranging your new home. I hope you're in it very soon and enjoying life awya from him. You are doing this!

I have worked with women fleeing abusive relationships and I can categorically tell you that when a woman attempts to leave, it is the most dangerous time for her. You absolutely should NOT tell him to his face. Please don’t.

I would advise you to contact women’s aid if you haven’t already and they can help you make an exit plan.

Also, contact the local police office and tell them that you are planning to leave your abusive relationship. Ask them to put a tag on your address so that if you need to call them, they will respond as a matter of urgency. Your husband will have no knowledge of this so don’t worry about that.

Get together all important documents like birth certificates, passports, bank details, details about home ownership/tenancy if you can. If you have already have a new home waiting, put them there so he can’t get to them and they are safe. If not, store them somewhere he won’t be able to find them or leave them with a trusted friend or family member.

In terms of the ring doorbell, use the back access to the house so he can’t keep tabs on you moving stuff. Do you have anyone who could be present and help you? This also means you won’t be alone if he comes home whilst you’re in the process of moving. I would also suggest having a ring doorbell installed at your new property so that if he finds out where you are, you will have it on camera should he show up at your home. If he does do this, do not answer the door, (keep it locked at all times) and call the police immediately to have them remove him. Keep any incident numbers.

If you’re working, tell your work as they will have policies in place to support staff experiencing domestic abuse. If you have children in school, tell them why you have moved so they can support you and the children appropriately. They might be able to offer the children counselling support if they need it and also understand if there are any challenging behaviours after the separation.

The most important thing is to get to a place of safety. So, if you have a place to go, get all your important stuff together and get out asap. Women’s aid, refuge, rights of women, shelter, etc are all useful services that you can utilise as you leave this abusive relationship. Don’t be afraid to ask for help.

You’re doing the right thing. You are being incredibly brave. Well done OP.

I appreciate all of your advice. I have no real life support apart from one friend who knows of the situation. It’s very isolating. I really wish I had a big group of friends to meet and have support. I have lots of individual friends who I do fun stuff with but they are busy with their own stuff.

leave asap as the thinly veiled threat and ring doorbell means it’s escalating as he can sense you detaching.

And the being nice and helpful and giving flowers, and paying for items.
Arseholes like him are very perceptive in picking up vibes that their partner has checked out of the relationship.

Thanks, I’ll try this when he’s out next and see if it affects the doorbell/I’ll try turning the Wi-Fi off too.

@ChristmasHound can you take a few carrier bags of clothes round to her house, one at a time, and ask her to keep them for you, after explaining the situation to her?

Given everything you've said OP, I would get the police involved.

@ChristmasHound the door bell I think needs recharging every so often so turning electricity off wont affect it. think the wifi might though!

@ChristmasHound remember any passports, bank accounts and birth certs!

I think if you turn your wifi off then the doorbell won’t work/pick anything up

Is there any of them that you can imagine would be happy to get stuck in and help you leave if they knew the situation? A strong personality, a good organiser? I'm sure they would want to know. I would want to know if I could help at all wih a friend getting safely away.

In your position, I would contact the police and tell them that you are in fear because you’re husband is abusive and has threatened that if you leave him it won’t end well. Tell them you are in fear for your safety. You want to report coercive control and threatening behaviour. This will allow you to leave whilst he is in their custody. Tell them all the abuse that’s been happening and you’re terrified he’s going to harm you because he has threatened you. Tell them you want to speak to a domestic abuse trained officer.

Turn your WiFi off when you want to go out and him not seeing. I have a similar husband and it’s what I do. All the best op and stay safe xx

Do not speak to this man about ending your marriage alone. If you feel you need to do it face to face you need to take a (or some) male relatives or friends with you. Or better still inform the police beforehand, they may come with you to get your stuff.

His threat is really sinister - have you watched Until I Kill You?

Please take care and let us know how you get on but if you have a house ready to go to just go and please be careful

Just leave without telling him
Most women who suffer domestic abuse are at a high risk when trying to leave
Just leave - seriously
You don't owe him an explanation
You need to be ok for your children

I don't know anything about ring alarms. Can they be installed in the house too.? Ie could he be filming you in the home? Seriously do not tell him you're leaving.

Can you do a “big clear out”? And remove bin bags full of stuff that way?

Or send him off to do a days work for your parents, get a few mates round and just gut the place before he has time to check the doorbell cam? Your parents could maybe help out by “misplacing” his phone as he is working for them.

Please tell someone about your plans and be careful.

I have worked to help other very brave women in your situation, well done on taking these steps, I know it’s not easy.

My best advice would be to pack the things you absolutely need for yourself & kids into as few bags as you can, I mean literally just essentials you need for the first few weeks. This way it’s less obvious that things are being packed away so less likely to notice vs if you’re clearing out whole cupboards etc, and easy to make a quick getaway with less luggage.

Ring Doorbell- the electrics won’t work, what you need to do is unplug the wifi- that way the doorbell will be “on” still but without wifi it can’t be accessed via the app so he can’t see what’s going on live. Wait until he’s gone, unplug the wifi, grab the bags and just go.

If you don’t have a couple of male friend/family who can go collect your things at a later date then you can ask for police assistance with this. Explain your ex has history of abusing you and you do not feel safe going to collect your belongings alone and an office can attend with you. Depending on availability it may be awhile before they have someone available to do this but it is the safest option.

Assuming he doesn’t know your new address, do everything you can to keep it that way. If you have any location sharing apps like Find My Friend make sure you also disable that on your phone, as well as on kids phones/ipads etc if they have them. If you have any correspondence for new address in emails change your passwords and log out on all devices so he can’t see them. If you share an Amazon account or anything make sure you don’t use that for deliveries to new address.

If you really want to tell him you want a divorce and why then you can still do that, just do it via text/call/letter/email.

Reach out to Womens Aid- they can help to support you.

Good luck OP x

You need to leave them tell him

You are very much at risk if you tell him when you are together

Do not do that

Sadly a family member has experience of this first hand

V v dangerous

So sorry op xxxxx

Turn off the WiFi it’s deactivates the ring doorbell