My partner of 3 years was just diagnosed with genital warts. Is there any chance he's *not* cheated?

[Alwaysabitscared]

I received a negative HPV smear test result in February, but have read various things about dormancy and the wart could well have been there for a while (it was in quite a hidden spot). I am totally freaking out in all honesty.

Don't ruin it over a suspicion then, end it because you know he's endangered your health by not telling you.

Honestly, most of the other stuff you've said about him makes him sound like a bit of a knob, but the not telling you alone is a dumping offence in my book.

I’m afraid I think he is turning abusive

He is blowing hot and cold (gets really angry and then tells you’re the best thing that has ever happened to him)
You're not allowed to be upset or to talk about what matters to you (like the redundancy)
Tells you are overly demanding (about what? Wanting to know about an STI he has. Or knowing about his b’day party he hasn’t told you about? All perfectly normal to ask about those)
He lies. Sorry ‘hides stuff’ from the really serious (STI) to what really was a nothimg (going out for his b’day)
He is getting angry and frustrated easily, over little things.
Youre not allowed to pull him on his behaviour or question anything.

And all of this has ramped up when you were made redundant, aka you’re more vulnerable.
I’m pretty sure the word abusive will look very strange to you. But none of what you’ve described is normal in a good relationship.

The STI and his reaction to your questioning is just one thing in the middle of many other things.
I get why you’d want to wait until you have the answer for the job interview. But please, be careful not get sucked in even deeper, being convinced it’s your fault when it isn’t.

Thanks all. I guess I’ve been pretending that everything is totally fine (all my friends and family adore him) for so long now and everything has been framed as me bringing issues to him - such as being told asking about the birthday thing was me being “outrageously selfish” and he doesn’t know why I start problems all the time as he doesn’t bring problems to me. He is very stressed out at the minute for numerous reasons, but that conversation did get nasty and he even apologised for being a brute and recognised later that I haven’t been trying to start arguments.

He also expressed frustration with me still being unemployed after a few months (I’m doing my best but I’m finding the processes are taking 5+ weeks each) and has made comments about not judging his behaviour from “my situation” and that I shouldn’t ‘start arguments’ with someone after they’ve brought me dinner. He earns ridiculously well as he works in finance, and I’ve been trying to keep up but the super expensive meals (that I wouldn’t personally choose to do at the moment) have largely fallen to him. I pay my side of the rent, bills etc.

I’ve put in a huge effort to make him feel as special as I can with my situation - saving up for months with freelancing income for a perfect birthday present for him that he now uses every day, big celebration meals and spending hours making celebration cakes for his new job, little surprises, taking our families out for a day, taking him into work on his first day and making a big pre-first-day breakfast, being there for him when he needs me etc etc. I know that’s normal relationship stuff, but I am starting to see that it’s not being reciprocated really…

I guess this is all a bit of a wake up moment, as my relationship with my ex had been super lovey dovey and couldn’t do enough for me but I had put the difference down to us being younger, having no responsibilities and my ex being an unusually sweet person. I didn’t really realise (probably a bit naively) that this situation was actually very abnormal. I’ve spent months trying to be less demanding, researching how to bring up problems in a positive way etc and it’s all only getting worse rather than better.

Thank you all for such supportive messages, I’m honestly really shocked and touched that so many strangers have reached out to help. I always assumed online forums were largely filled with trolls so thank you. Here’s hoping for sunnier days for us all!

@MitochondriaUnited He did say that the clinic he went to told him he didn’t have to tell me? So I think he didn’t view disclosing it as a necessity/consent thing

That sounds like only a small part of that particular conversation

Don’t make excuses for him. I’m pretty sure he would have been told he should tell his sexual partners and even if he wasn’t, a decent respectful person would absolutely disclose that information to allow the other person to get checked out.

Hes a liar

I’ve put in a huge effort to make him feel as special as I can with my situation - saving up for months with freelancing income for a perfect birthday present for him that he now uses every day, big celebration meals and spending hours making celebration cakes for his new job, little surprises, taking our families out for a day, taking him into work on his first day and making a big pre-first-day breakfast, being there for him when he needs me etc etc. I know that’s normal relationship stuff, but I am starting to see that it’s not being reciprocated really…

This isn’t really ‘normal relationship stuff’ - it’s you running round trying too hard to desperately please him and getting absolutely nothing back.

A good balanced relationship shouldn’t mean trying this hard and should work both ways. It does sound like it’s all one way traffic and whatever you do for him, he’ll still treat you with contempt.

As in a small part of his convo with me or with the clinic? The rest of the conversation with me was just about why I brought it up to him and that it felt like I was snooping (it was in the drawer with our paracetamol etc in and I had no reason to snoop in there, was just a bit surprised out to see it!)

With the clinic.
I am sorry but he’s deflecting back o to you with being ‘nosey’ which you’re not. He sounds as though he hiding something and acting accordingly

You’re right that it’s definitely not balanced, but I should also mention in fairness that he does do little sweet things here and there and makes dinner a lot etc. He’s also now insisting he wants me to come to the birthday party (a bit awkward) and that he’s realised it was weird etc. Would you go? It’s later tonight.

I’ve never actually broken off a relationship due to someone’s behaviour before and I’m one of those “fixer” people who probably stay too long - a lesson I should have learnt from the redundancy as there were red flags I ignored for months!!! I found out there were creepy chats and polls about me on work channels by high-up male colleagues, so it was all quite grim.

”Contempt” or even frustration/anger is exactly how it feels, but then it switches to everything being normal and lovely again so it is all a bit confusing. He’s said multiple times breaking up isn’t an option, has told everyone that he wants to marry me etc but will then tell me to shut up and that I’m selfish and demanding. I’ve always put it down to just normal argumentative/stubborn behaviour?

I have the same suspicion, but not sure I could ever prove it. He’s denied anything has happened and said the clinic said they weren’t sure if it was that or his bodywash giving him the warts? Sounds a bit stupid now I think about it but I was so focused on defending ‘snooping’ that I kind of let that float.

OK well I would stay with him until I got a job, unless I had somewhere else to go, but I wouldn't have sex with him again. I wouldn't believe a word he's saying, frankly.

Regarding this: I found out there were creepy chats and polls about me on work channels by high-up male colleagues, so it was all quite grim I wonder whether any legal MNetters can say whether there's anything you can do about this.

His bodywash gave him genital warts? I've heard it all now!

Why on earth would you believe that a sexual health clinic would tell someone who has active genital warts and is presumably having unprotected sex with their live-in partner (and actually, even condoms don’t always protect), that the unprotected partner doesn’t need to know??
This alone - aside from all the other horrible traits this man has - clearly demonstrates that he’s either hiding something, or he’s a selfish inconsiderate piece of shit. Probably both.
Please, put him straight into the bin once you’ve secured that lovely new job. You deserve way better than this jerk.

His body wash?? OP, this is utter nonsense. Honestly this gets worse and worse. You cannot possibly believe that the clinic told him that. Come on now.

He's such a liar! Everything he says is a lie. Here's a job for you today, OP - write a list of all the lies he's told you. I'll start you off:

The clinic said there's no need to tell a live-in partner about genital warts
The clinic said that I might have got genital warts from my bodywash
He's going to his own birthday party "with just the boys"

Now you keep going...

I don’t believe it! I don’t really know why I didn’t push back more at the time as it’s obviously rubbish. He said they weren’t sure they were necessarily warts as they can’t test for them in men and that they could be just irritation/bumps. But then why not tell me?

His medical privacy?

😱

Not when it directly impacts on you through sexual contact. I’d dump him for that alone.

He wasn’t honest upfront.

there are too many holes. Probably quite literally.

You aren’t ruining it over a suspicion.

hes ruining it by not being upfront. And quite nasty anyway.

you do not want this man as the father of your kids. It’s time to get rid- with no guilt

Personally he could shove his party up his arse. I’d stay home watching I’m a celebrity with a glass of wine and a Deliveroo but to be fair I’m twice your age and long past the stage of pleasing people.

Sadly he’s following the abusers script. Blowing hot and cold, lying, gaslighting and love bombing - it’s textbook.

It’s difficult until you’ve got another job but if he out of there the minute I could. You’re wasting your life with this one.

Oh god
So firstly, any medical professional and especially those working in sexual health are perfectly able to tell at a glance whether someone has warts or not. And if you’re still not convinced, a quick Google search will confirm. Secondly, if they weren’t sure they were warts (highly highly unlikely but let’s go with it) why on earth would they prescribe specific treatment? You don’t get handed this stuff like sweeties you know.
You’re being taken for a fool here. I am sorry but there is zero chance this guy isn’t lying through his teeth.

You can absolutely test for warts in men. When I had a tiny bump that wasn't easy to visually identify, it was tested by putting on some liquid (acid I think), which reacts and tells you whether it's a wart (it was). Men's skin does not react differently from women's skin.

You've got much bigger issues to worry about than warts, though. (I was very stressed, hadn't had sex in ages, it can be dormant for ages, not had one since.) He treats you like shit. Please break up with him as soon as financially possible. Don't go all out at Christmas, stop spending money on him.

This is really good to know, thank you. I had no idea but he showed me something on Google that suggested he was right.

I’ll follow your advice - just plodding my way through more applications as we speak.

That sounds like my ideal but he’s said we should “stop going back and forth” on it after I said I don’t want to go and that I’d make his party (despite not being originally invited).

Seems to have all reached a bit of a head.