My partner of 3 years was just diagnosed with genital warts. Is there any chance he's *not* cheated?

[Alwaysabitscared]

I received a negative HPV smear test result in February, but have read various things about dormancy and the wart could well have been there for a while (it was in quite a hidden spot). I am totally freaking out in all honesty.

If that was me and i knew i had been 100% faithful then i would be asking you about the warts and where i got them from, by him hiding the medication means he is hiding the reason behind it.

Sorry op he sounds horrible, dishonest, selfish, sneaky, manipulative.
you can’t talk about your redundancy because he has a new job?
wow.
did you have flirty messages with anyone during your bad patch?

Your updates OP are adding to a list of reasons why I would dump him if I were you. He treats you abysmally. You don’t need cheating to break up with someone. I understand the financial situation makes it hard, but I would be getting my ducks in a row if I were you.

The getting angry because you asked about his birthday party is really concerning. You should have been invited as a partner of 3 years.

The get over being made redundant because I’m busy is cold & callous.

You don’t deserve this daily treatment at all.

If he had warts and genuinely didn't know who he got them from as he'd not slept with anyone else for ages surely he'd ask you, the partner he is sleeping with now, if you had any symptoms in the first instance?
Treating himself without treating you isn't going to get rid is it?

He shouldn't told you. Not disclosing an STD breaches consent.

Get your ducks in a row and swim away. Even if he didn't cheat, all I can see is red flags and you don't need them x

I'm sorry, not to derail, but "women inspect their vulvas". DO WE??? Have I missed a memo?

Also...OP this man is treating you dreadfully. Please leave.

Yea this makes me suspicious of him sleeping around. If he’s genuinely been with no on else, surely he’d be asking OP if she’s been unfaithful herself and where the hell he got the warts from. The fact he’s defensive is a bit suss.

Except he would have been told during the diagnosis process that HPV stays dormant and asymptomatic for years in most and so it is not at all likely his partner cheated on him.

He wouldn’t ask OP if she has symptoms because he’s not the caring type at all. He’s not going to worry about infecting her because he’s selfish.
He treats her awfully.

And HPV isn’t like thrush. Treating the warts doesn’t get rid of HPV for him or her (if she has caught it).

No, I've never sent flirty messages while I've been in a relationship - that was him

Regardless of the warts, it doesn’t sound like he treats you very well. I hope everything goes well with your interview, just hang in there and things will pick up again. Maybe bin him though.

How would you have reacted if you had found genital warts on yourself? Presumably you would have been very surprised, wondered how you contracted them, spoken to any sexual partners and sought treatment? He sought treatment. Has he taken any steps to protect your health?

This 100%

If he hasn't cheated why didn't he ask you?

Your update makes it clear he's not a nice man. Get a new job then leave him

I was about to ask the same thing as if we put a mirror between our legs and inspect our vulvas?

Thank you! Honestly all these reassuring comments have had me tearing up. I feel like a big weight has been lifted even just admitting that I'm freaked out/potentially not very happy. I think I'll delay the breakup decision until I've sorted the job situ but I'm really hoping the interview goes well and I can rebuild back. Thank you for helping out a total randomer :)

Most people who get any kind of health issue discuss it with their partner, especially an STI! His secrecy is really odd and he doesn’t sound very nice.

Forget anything else. You haven't forgiven this and this is the problem. Wonder what he's like in the pub when you're not there??

You deserve more op. You sound young. Run a mile. My ex did this and was hiding a million shit things.

So he has warts, discovers them in secret, gets them treated in secret, doesn't bother to tell you so you can protect your health, doesn't bother to ask if you've slept with someone else, flirts with other women, arranges secret birthday parties and doesn't tell his girlfriend of 3 years, won't support you when you're going through a horrible time, won't even discuss it with you and gaslights all day long.
Is this what you want for life OP? You deserve so much better.

You sound lovely OP. Leave his vile, lying warty arse and get a new job and some peace of mind. He's lying to you and isn't the one for you.
On a base level, if he can't even be there for you when the going is rough and when the going is rough he flirts online with his ex...
Leave that bastard, warts and all.

Sorry but regardless of the HPV he’s a nasty piece of work who is giving you DARVO treatment to deflect from him being a selfish wanker.

Honestly OP don’t waste your life with a twat like him. This won’t never get better.

Please read your posts back all in one go OP and imagine it's a friend or sister telling you this. What advice would you give them?

I've had genital warts and my last smear no hpv detected

You deserve better OP, imagine reading back over this thread in your late 30’s and thinking wow, I was so young and had so much ahead of me! Glad I listened!

You don’t need a ‘good enough’ reason to leave someone who isn’t a good potential life partner for you.

And I’ll be honest OP, generally it’s possible that someone has had HPW lying dormant. However after your update I’d lay money on this twat being a cheat

"I don't really know what's normal in relationships regarding STD disclosure" - I can clear this one up. You disclose it to your partner.

However embarrassing, however ashamed you personally may feel, even if there is a possibility of that person turning you down - you tell them.

If you are carrying a virus or a bacteria that could reasonably/probably impact the other person's health and wellbeing, you tell them. It is about informed consent.

Transpose it to another situation: if you had a cold and a friend invited your over, you'd probably say "I've got a terrible cold and I doubt you want it too". If you had a coldsore you'd say "no kisses, I don't want you to get a coldsore".

He has recognised there is something wrong, saught treatment, and not given you the information that would allow you to make a decision about your own health and your desire to continue an intimate relationship with him.

I know you have a lot on, but in this situation I think the bigger risk is minimising his betrayal rather than "making big decisions". PS. You have a lot on, and he is not even being supportive or listening to your concerns. You can do 1000x better than this idiot.

You could dump him for shouting at you, you could dump him for not telling you about the warts as soon as he knew, or not telling you about the party, for not being very nice in general, or for any reason at all.

See if you can get some quiet time alone to sit with your own thoughts about this relationship and find out what they are, and what you truly want. It’s helpful to focus on the relationship itself, as it is now, and whether this relationship makes you happy, rather than thinking more about him as an individual which can lead into a fantasy version of him that only exists in your imagination. Your future self will thank you for following your gut.