2nd Baby will Social Services be involved?

[Rillee]

Hi, I’m not pregnant yet but I would like another baby. Social services was involved with my 1st as I was in an abusive relationship we broke up, he moved out and the case was closed. This was 3 years ago, he is a completely different person now and has grown up massively and we get along very well as friends and he is an amazing dad. We both don’t have partners at the moment and have discussed having another baby together and co parenting. If I were to do this would social services be involved again , even if he no longer lives with me?

Just asking this question shows you still make bad choices OP and put your whims over the safety of any children you have.
You don’t live with this reformed abusive man but are “with him “ and want another child with him …. Why ?
Absolutely crackers

Yes social services will be involved (as they should be) and are not going to think this is a good idea.

Are you back together with him OP?

This is an absolutely absurd idea. Terrifying you're even considering it. Why the hell would you have another child with an abuser.

What is the situation now with your first child ? Contact etc?

What will happen is SS will want to do a new investigation and make sure you can keep BOTH children safe.

God yes

Yep.
And now he's moved back in.
And she's pregnant again.

To add more context

My first child was not removed
my ex was never stopped from seeing my child.
I self referred to ss as my ex was an alcoholic and abusive my case was closed within a month and he moved out and got support to help him.

As it is 3 years on he is no longer an alcoholic and as he isn’t drinking he has changed as a person. We aren’t together but we do get a long very well and coparent.

I understand this might not be an ideal environment to bring up a child but I am getting older and would like another child before it’s to late.

Is he allowed unsupervised contact with your first child ? This is very relevant as if SS are happy with that then it shows they don’t see a current safeguarding risk BUT they will still want to assess as at certain points eg pregnancy or a new baby abuse can restart so they will want to make sure there are protective factors and support in place

Why would you consider having a baby with someone you aren’t together with? Rent a sperm ?You’d be intentionally bringing it up as a single parent. Do you have your own home, job and sufficient savings to support your family?

I don’t think they’ll get involved given what you’ve said. I think PP are just answering what they would hope SS would do but in reality it’s not like that.

Also, why would it matter if they were involved? If you’ve got nothing to hide they would just be doing their job and making sure all is well and then closing the case again.

It depends greatly on what form the abuse took as well and who that was directed at ?

I understand this might not be an ideal environment to bring up a child but I am getting older and would like another child before it’s to late

So you thought it would be a good idea to have another baby with the man who abused you, and who caused you to need social services' input when you had your first baby.

@AdvicePleaseHelp When I say involved, it can be as simple as they review the case, contact child’s school etc. if applicable, speak to probation, if involved, and close the case. They wouldn’t always open a case depending on what they perceive the risk to be but the midwife will absolutely make a referral and social services will absolutely carry out a review.

He's single at the moment and so probably has no objection to playing dad with his 'friend' and presumably having sex with her. However should he manage to fool some other poor woman into thinking he's a good prospect, and gets himself a proper girl friend (and even the worst of them seem to manage that) then I wouldn't give his Co parenting ten minutes. He'll be creating children with the new woman and you'll have two little ones to parent alone. And that's the best case. Worst case is he'll do again what abusers do and your children will once more be considered at risk. Seriously if you're so desperate to be a single parent to a baby, you'd do better having a ONS with a random. Because at least there'd be a chance he wasn't an abuser. (I'm not suggesting that BTW, just pointing out how daft your current plan is.)

That is such a selfish view point. You are willing to bring a child into this situation with this man because of something YOU want.

You may think he has “changed as a person”.. you could also be entirely wrong. This could be the catalyst for his behaviour changing back to old habits. Why would you even consider risking that?!

You’re obviously not going to listen to anyone giving you sensible advice and warnings about entertaining this idea. And for that, I am sorry for this child.

@Rillee

He will ALWAYS be an alcoholic.

As @NotaCoolMum has said, he will always be an alcoholic. Actively in recovery doesn’t mean he isn’t one and unfortunately he could relapse at any time, that is the nature of addiction.

Wanting a second child should not supersede the safety of your existing child, come on now.

Think about the child you've got before you think about your want for another child with your abuser. Their needs outweigh your wants.

Does he pay upkeep for the DC you have? Do you work? Are you voluntarily ensuring you become a single parent to 2 DC's?

Having a baby is not about what’s best for you, it’s about what is best for that child.
You don’t just have another baby with an unsuitable bloke because you are running out of time and want another child. That’s unbelievably selfish. This is a human life for god sake.
I’m sorry if this is coming across as harsh OP, but I think you need telling. You are being unbelievably naive to even be considering this.
There is also your other child to think about.

You'd be better off getting a sperm donor. Or just learning to be happy with the beautiful DC you already have and pouring your energy into being the best mum you can to them and not entertaining silly ideas that could well be to their detriment.

Yes and they will stay involved

There's a lot of inaccurate information on this thread. If children's services stayed involved with every parent who had ever been referred, half the country would be open to children's services..

Op, in an likelihood your midwife would refer to children's services, especially if their system flags up re the previous involvement. Given that it's the same partner, and that they don't have any info to suggest he's changed (because the previous involvement ended due to him moving out, not because they were able to see changes in his behaviour/risk) it's likely that they would want to do an assessment. As a pp pointed out, the fact that you are pregnant increases the risk (abuse often starts during pregnancy) though if there were specific triggers before (alcohol) and that's no longer an issue, that and the length of time its been since any concerns would be considered protective factors, esp if he's been around your other child in that time without worry. However they would likely want to look at this in depth with both of you, and whether there would be any ongoing involvement would depend on the outcome of that assessment.

How do you think your partner would react to being assessed? People can change, but not everyone does. If you think he's genuinely changed AND he's prepared to work with people to evidence that, that's encouraging. If he's not, or you're worried about having the conversation with him, that's something to think about.