Son't girlfriend's Mother

[manywanderings]

Not sure if this is the right section but - it's been off with his girlfriend twice before. Unfortunately it started up again and is now full on. He goes to girlfriend's house a lot on his way home. Sometimes stays for tea.

Now I want opinions on this because I think it's inappropriate (or at least annoying). Gf's Mother sends him back with food - leftovers from their tea - in a plastic box. Her parents don't have any communication with us, just with him. He is probably just being polite when it's offered but - what the heck?!

Do they think we don't feed him? Why not keep their leftovers in the fridge for next day like we do?

Before they broke up last time this used to happen and it even went further with her Mother arranging what he would wear to some event and then him coming and saying he'd need £xxxx to get this outfit. I said if we're paying for your clothes we need to have a say in something that costs that much and I'm sure gf's Mother goes shopping with her and wouldn't like it if we took her shopping for clothes and then asked for money to pay for them!

That was a long time ago and he made his excuses and said we were sorting his clothes out with him.

I only met them once briefly when they were outside in a car and was friendly and said hello.

Obviously they were off for quite some months before it started up again but how do I deal with her family treating him as if he doesn't have any parents?!

To clarify I am not his biological Mother, but he lives with us full time and OH is his biological Father, so I am suspecting it is seen that I am not actually parent (which I am and have been for 14 years!).

I wouldn't dream of sending gf back with leftovers from a meal for her to have at home. Mind you she hasn't been here since they got back together and I suspect she feels uncomfortable (as she was the one that broke it off - twice). But we accept that we just have to go along with his choices and not make comments or show any feelings either way.

How old is your son?

Some people just do this in a caring manner. Can't go home empty handed type of thing. My MIL always sends us home with leftovers and would even make DHs lunch for the next day on occasion (eg if we had roast chicken making him a chicken sandwich). Doesn't make me feel as though she thinks I don't make food for us. I think you're over thinking it tbh when you say she doesn't see you as a parent. Unless there's more to it or has undermined you in other ways. Sounds like she's really fond of your son and caring towards him. I wouldn't dwell on it!

How kind of them.

My son's girlfriend's mother just gave me her old dining table. I only met her once, a year ago!

Thanks. So I'm overthinking it? It would be different if it was something sent for us. But it's sending him home with a meal!

I think it feels weirder because we never see his girlfriend (or her parents) and he spends a lot of time over there. So their perspective may well be that he is part of the family and they are fond of him. But if so perhaps they should make some contact with us as well. Before they broke up a few months ago I had sent some flowers from the garden for her Mother but didn't get a thank you! But I wouldn't have sent a meal back with his gf - as they will have their own food.

But yes maybe I'm overthinking it. I'm a bit more wary after the business with the suit earlier this year. A suit is an expensive item and something we should have a say in.

Heck! Id not bat an eye at this. She probably just made too much. Maybe eat it yourself?

How old is your stepson?

I honestly think it has been done in kindness, better to have someone enjoy it than throw it in the bin, and it might be difficult or awkward for your stepson to refuse in the moment too. Although it might feel a bit condescending, rejoice in the fact that somebody loves your stepson as much as you do and wants to see him fed...it is no reflection on you at all. I feed everyone (friends of my teenagers and 20s) who come to my house regardless of whether they have good parents who would feed them even better. I am sure they would be horrified if they thought they were hurting your feelings. Please worry no more xx

Maybe the boy is saying how lovely the meal is, and her mother believes he is genuine and not just polite - hence sending him off with some of the leftovers.
I am guessing he is well under 18 for so much adult involvement.

If he's still a child why is he spending so much time at a girlfriends house in the first place? Not healthy for relationships that young to spend so much time together.

Sending something for you would be weird. Sending leftovers with/for your son is not.

I would do this. I think it’s a nice thing to do. I’ve also had people do this for me and it’s the best If you actually enjoyed the meal. I wonder if it’s a cultural thing. I have Caribbean family and I’ve never left empty handed, whether I’ve eaten there or not.

What a lovely thing to do.

I think you are overthinking this. All families are different. It doesn't mean they don't think you feed him.. some families just do this. I know because my mums side of my family won't let you leave thier home without at least one container of food..
Whereas my dad's side would think that was quite odd.
And the clothing thing again may just be what they think is normal rather than any kind of criticism of you.

He's 16. And yes he does spend too much time over there! And is getting behind with his studies. I'll try and ignore it then. But I do think her Mother might feel the same if I sent his girlfriend back with leftovers.

At 16yo I wouldn’t care. 16yo boys often eat a lot of food so I’d just be grateful it cut down on my food shopping frankly.

is that all jealousy? cause if it's not i really don't see why would you care.
probably she won't go there more cause she doesn't feel as welcome there as he feels in her house.. i'm sure the last thing they think when they offer him the leftovers is " oh poor boy, his family doesn't feed him, let me give him a bit of food" lol. they offer cause they probably won't make a use for it and think it would be better to offer than waste it off. if he accepts it it's his problem, surely they won't force him.

Is your name Holly?

I do this with my daughter's boyfriend as he is a good lad that does jobs for me.

I had better have a chat with my daughter...

You sound terribly hard work OP.

Shes doing a nice thing, he probably said the food is nice and she packed him some to take home. It's what people do.

This is so weird! I often send people home with leftovers. It's because I want food to be enjoyed and not wasted.
OP you are massively overthinking this. I'm sure the GF's mother isn't thinking about you at all.

Sending food back seems so be a motherly and caring thing to do. I send all my guests back with food lol and it’s not because I think they don’t have food at home.

Be glad your son is somewhere where they will include and look after him. I can barely imagine how I will act when mine are 16 so I don’t blame you, but this outsider thinks it’s fine. 🫶🏽

Some people won’t eat leftovers the next day and literally throw them away. Maybe your ds has mentioned this, who knows, and sending your ds with the food is a way of assuaging her guilt by waste. As for the clothes, this is really strange, inappropriate and overstepping boundaries.

My dd is also 16 and I understand what you’re talking about. I think you feel as if the family is laying claim to your ds and is lacking in boundaries but you don’t know what to do as you don’t want to alienate your ds and him even spend more time there. I have come across this twice now with mothers of my dd’s friends. The second one is ongoing and really hard to put up boundaries as I must absolutely not criticise this mum as dd hangs off her every word. I’m having to do this softly.

For me, only going to the girl’s house would make me wonder if there is some level of control being asserted on your ds and try to redress the balance, especially with things like the clothes. And I would bet there is lots more. In your situation and if you have the money, I would start inviting his girlfriend to things. Out for Sunday lunch or a family trip somewhere etc.

Idk how much your family eats together or if you have a partner, other kids etc. However, I would be getting your ds to come home and have family meals at least twice a week making Sunday evening a hard and fast rule that you sit together at the table, maybe get a takeaway or cook his favourite food etc. It is important to get back to basics so that your ds has an anchor at home not just at the girl’s house. Tell your ds she is welcome at yours for the midweek meal and preferably have the Sunday evening as just you. If it’s just you and your ds, it may be easier to include her for now. Idk.

This is something that will need to be treated with kid gloves. However, I can absolutely see how ignoring this situation develops into adult children remaining in this dynamic, moving in together and hardly seeing one set of parents, spending all the time with the others. I know traditionally it is mothers of girls, who are like this. However, like you, it can also be the other way round and my cousin has this issue. I’m actually going to give her some of this advice. And this advice to reconnect as a family comes from a mental health professional btw we are working with as dd has anorexia and we are trying to get her back from the illness.

Thank you @@Mummyoflittledragon Yes I do think it's about boundaries - and the history. Son is terrified she will break up with him again. She's done it twice before. So he won't say no to anything. There's nothing we can do except watch and wait. Everything is always on her terms. He never knows when he's going to see her - she cancels or decides to see him when it suits her. So he can never make plans - and neither can we! Don't know if he's back for a meal or not - sometimes the meal is already cooked before we find out he's over there and been offered food. I'm laid back about that - the "leftovers" can go in the fridge! And he's now been asked to text if he's not coming home for food. Although sometimes it's a bit late for that. I don't think it's healthy - but there's not much we can do. He goes running back each time! It's also as if we can't say no to anything as well. There was a big drama last week over something as he double booked himself. So I cancelled our plans as he was getting grief from gf. She doesn't seem to like him doing anything with us - but we're his family. So I just don't plan anything any more. Maybe that's normal when they're dating anyway. But yes the clothes thing was crossing a big boundary. We had made it clear to him at the time that he should say - I'll need to check with my parents first - when it's something that costs a lot of money - instead of going along with everything. But he daren't do that in case she breaks up with him.

He does like spending time with their family. But we haven't seen gf since the last time she broke up with him months ago. So it all feels a bit weird. I guess we just have to give it time.

Probably just a difference of family culture surely. I’d be embarrassed to have someone around for a meal and not send them home with leftovers (if they liked it)!

What’s the rest of the story with the outfit ? Was it a school ball and was he able to attend and fit in and be well presented ?

I think she is being kind and generous and best and at worst thinks you’re on a budget and have a growing hungry boy that loves her food.

Sounds like a controlling and manipulative relationship imo. You need to enforce boundaries and stop your 16 year old spending so much time there. Why on earth are you allowing a girlfriend to cause him to be terrified or fall behind at school? He's still a child not a grown adult.