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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Son't girlfriend's Mother

57 replies

manywanderings · 24/11/2024 22:58

Not sure if this is the right section but - it's been off with his girlfriend twice before. Unfortunately it started up again and is now full on. He goes to girlfriend's house a lot on his way home. Sometimes stays for tea.

Now I want opinions on this because I think it's inappropriate (or at least annoying). Gf's Mother sends him back with food - leftovers from their tea - in a plastic box. Her parents don't have any communication with us, just with him. He is probably just being polite when it's offered but - what the heck?!

Do they think we don't feed him? Why not keep their leftovers in the fridge for next day like we do?

Before they broke up last time this used to happen and it even went further with her Mother arranging what he would wear to some event and then him coming and saying he'd need £xxxx to get this outfit. I said if we're paying for your clothes we need to have a say in something that costs that much and I'm sure gf's Mother goes shopping with her and wouldn't like it if we took her shopping for clothes and then asked for money to pay for them!

That was a long time ago and he made his excuses and said we were sorting his clothes out with him.

I only met them once briefly when they were outside in a car and was friendly and said hello.

Obviously they were off for quite some months before it started up again but how do I deal with her family treating him as if he doesn't have any parents?!

To clarify I am not his biological Mother, but he lives with us full time and OH is his biological Father, so I am suspecting it is seen that I am not actually parent (which I am and have been for 14 years!).

I wouldn't dream of sending gf back with leftovers from a meal for her to have at home. Mind you she hasn't been here since they got back together and I suspect she feels uncomfortable (as she was the one that broke it off - twice). But we accept that we just have to go along with his choices and not make comments or show any feelings either way.

OP posts:

Aquacrab · 25/11/2024 22:25

manywanderings · 25/11/2024 15:23

We did all that after both times she broke up with him. Each time he did something she didn't like (ie wasn't available on one occasion or said he'd prefer to wear something else), she broke up with him. She also said some very nasty things to him after the last break up and he was in pieces and we reassured him those things weren't true and said things like if it's a good relationship you'll agree plans between you, say - lets see each other on Wednesdays and week-ends. Not hanging around waiting to see if she wants to see you and when and then being dropped at the last minute. We also said you maybe need to think carefully if she wants you back or you'll be nervous of saying no to anything and get walked all over.

He was doing really well after the second break up and enjoying college and making new friends - and then she contacted him again some months later. Next thing we knew it was fully back on again. We've just accepted it. I hope he doesn't get his heart broken again because the longer it goes on, the harder it's going to hit him. And yes also prepared for the fact it may become permanent and we don't want to be an outcast family.

I supppose that is my fear. Visions of grandchildren and being excluded! Yes it maybe has coloured our view of her and her family after the previous break ups, and incidences, but trying to just be logical about it. We don't really know them.

I might try asking him why he isn't inviting her over here now. Because he used to. It seems a bit unbalanced at the moment - him going over there all the time.

It started with just week-ends but now it's a couple of times midweek as well. He doesn't get back that late but his head certainly isn't on his studies and his results are going down.

Ok I hear you all about the food - I'm overthinking it.

Show quote history

See, it's not actually about the food they gave him. It's about their daughter making unfair terms for your son and dumping him for totally unfair reasons.

Original poster

manywanderings · 25/11/2024 22:31

Yes I think that's at the back of it.

OP posts:

SunnyPinkMouse · 25/11/2024 22:54

The food thing is definitely them just being nice I would suggest. The clothes thing I could underhand may feel like your toes are being stepped on but I doubt it’s intentional. They probably don’t even realise.

AngelsWithSilverWings · 26/11/2024 11:06

They are being nice. My daughter had a boyfriend when she was 15 and he loved my cooking. When I bump into his mother she still tells me that the thing he misses most since they split up was the meals he had with us. I would have sent him home with leftovers had there been any but he always went for extra portions at the table.

I do understand the feelings you are having though. My daughter's next boyfriend refused to come to our house and everything had to happen at his place with his family. DD would come home with expensive gifts after being taken out shopping by his mum and it used to annoy me that I wasn't able to even invite him for dinner let alone take him shopping.

DancesLikeAFairy · 21/03/2025 19:44

I've been in the same situation when my son was 16. He was always at his gf's house. He came home with food a few times. I was deeply hurt, offended, felt patronised. Looking back, they adored my son. He is a few years older now. He now sees that she was controlling and acting in a spoiled way by wanting and getting everything her way. My advice would be to say to your SS that he comes home every night and has dinner at home. He doesn't have to bake cakes or share the ironing with you. That's reasonable. Also, encourage him to see his mates etc. Remind him that he should enjoy being young, doing things that he should be doing.

Tbrh · 21/03/2025 19:56

remaininghopeful23 · 24/11/2024 23:33

How old is your son?

Some people just do this in a caring manner. Can't go home empty handed type of thing. My MIL always sends us home with leftovers and would even make DHs lunch for the next day on occasion (eg if we had roast chicken making him a chicken sandwich). Doesn't make me feel as though she thinks I don't make food for us. I think you're over thinking it tbh when you say she doesn't see you as a parent. Unless there's more to it or has undermined you in other ways. Sounds like she's really fond of your son and caring towards him. I wouldn't dwell on it!

This. She sounds lovely

SassySusie · 21/03/2025 19:56

My son’s (22) GF’s family sends him back with food for our whole family. They are really good cooks so I love it. I hope they are together forever as I cannot imagine him finding a Gf again with a family who feeds us like that. And they are lovely too. Embrace it OP.

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