Son't girlfriend's Mother

[manywanderings]

Not sure if this is the right section but - it's been off with his girlfriend twice before. Unfortunately it started up again and is now full on. He goes to girlfriend's house a lot on his way home. Sometimes stays for tea.

Now I want opinions on this because I think it's inappropriate (or at least annoying). Gf's Mother sends him back with food - leftovers from their tea - in a plastic box. Her parents don't have any communication with us, just with him. He is probably just being polite when it's offered but - what the heck?!

Do they think we don't feed him? Why not keep their leftovers in the fridge for next day like we do?

Before they broke up last time this used to happen and it even went further with her Mother arranging what he would wear to some event and then him coming and saying he'd need £xxxx to get this outfit. I said if we're paying for your clothes we need to have a say in something that costs that much and I'm sure gf's Mother goes shopping with her and wouldn't like it if we took her shopping for clothes and then asked for money to pay for them!

That was a long time ago and he made his excuses and said we were sorting his clothes out with him.

I only met them once briefly when they were outside in a car and was friendly and said hello.

Obviously they were off for quite some months before it started up again but how do I deal with her family treating him as if he doesn't have any parents?!

To clarify I am not his biological Mother, but he lives with us full time and OH is his biological Father, so I am suspecting it is seen that I am not actually parent (which I am and have been for 14 years!).

I wouldn't dream of sending gf back with leftovers from a meal for her to have at home. Mind you she hasn't been here since they got back together and I suspect she feels uncomfortable (as she was the one that broke it off - twice). But we accept that we just have to go along with his choices and not make comments or show any feelings either way.

Personally I wouldn’t wait tbh. What you’re getting is a shift in behaviour and dynamics and the shift is likely to only get more extreme. Your ds is being kept in a permanent state of fight or flight with this girl by the sound of it. Then if things become more extreme and you do finally decide things need tackling, any kind of assertion on boundaries will feel like an assault on her, which will send your ds into protection mode and towards her.

My dd has an eating disorder and I’ve been attending workshops and the skills I’m using would be helpful for you. The first thing to do is to re establish connection using positive affirmations. If your ds is autistic, these may be too strong so it’s a case of finding when he does something ‘good’ eg helping a friend or being nice to a sibling etc and using softer affirmations so ‘That was a lovely thing you did for little Manywanderings, you’re such a brilliant big brother’. I would start by sending daily texts saying how much you love him and what a great lad he is turning out to be, stuff like that. Once you have re-established a connection, it will be easier to get some boundaries in place.

The idea of doing this is to get your ds out of fight or flight so that he can see how loving connections are formed. Because right now he cannot see the wood for the trees because he’s just too scared of losing his girlfriend and because you are a secure attachment, he can ignore you.

I have included a copy of the animal metaphors of how parents react when their loved one has an eating disorder. But it’s equally applicable here. The idea is to get to the faithful St Bernard and the guiding dolphin. The dolphin sometimes swims behind, leaving their loved one to discover their own path, coming alongside to nudge them in the right direction if they go off path and other times swimming in front to guide the way. https://newmaudsleycarers-kent.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2019/01/Worksheet-3.pdf

I have been taught a lot of therapeutic techniques and one, called Motivational Interviewing. It’s a technique, where you never tell someone what to do. There’s a lot of affirmations, using a series of ‘because’ when talking (I used an example in paragraph 3) and trying to use questions that are less confrontational so ‘I am wondering…’ etc Eg ‘I am wondering if you would like to come to the cinema with us on Sunday, you’re such a great brother and little Manywanderings misses spending time with you. He will likely object. Then ‘You're such an attentive and caring person and I understand that you don’t want to upset girlfriend and little MW misses you so much.’ (This could be a visit to see grandparents etc). We are taught never to ask why. Why feels so confrontational. And don’t be disappointed if you don’t get a yes, I’ll come. It’s about sewing seeds. Slowly shifting thoughts.

The I am wondering can be used for all sorts. Eg how he’s getting on at school. How one of his friends is getting along as you haven’t seen him for ages. ‘I am wondering how Timmy is getting on, I haven’t seen him for ages.’ Then wait for an answer. ‘Well, perhaps he’d like to come over for a takeaway sometime soon.’ You might get an oh mum that is so peak type response but it’s all sewing seeds that he doesn’t have to be wedded permanently to his girlfriend and hee mum.

The food thing may just be being kind - some people love giving others food.
the clothes thing is weird. She can’t go about spending your money for you. Unless this is specific clothing needed to partake in a an activity, say a wetsuit for some water sports kind of thing, then it’s very strange.

Is she from another culture? I watch a lot of Dr Amir Khan vids. He's always posting about his mum. The latest video was she had dropped snowed in kit's to all her adult children. I must admit the food looked delicious. Or maybe he just really likes her cooking.

Shite! Last weekend I sent my DS's gf home with an open ( but almost full ) bag of muesli! I can't stand the stuff but had bought it for another visitor and just said "don't suppose you want this do you?" and she said sure I love that muesli.
Not everything is done with bad intentions.
I almost always send people home with things, a plant , a book, food , homemade slice, lemons or herbs from my garden ( maybe I'm a weirdo).

Some of those tips are great Mummyoflittledragon. And yes maybe we mosey along and don't make extra effort to keep in contact daily - just wait for him to get home. Others I think might not work - 16 year olds can be very stubborn!

Yes it was for a prom - and yes he had a nice outfit - but it cost a lot of money and we felt we ought to be involved in what he spent it on! Rather than just be asked for money. It was awkward.

It does worry me as he's stopped seeing all his friends again (like last time) - partly because he can never make any plans. What's wrong in them agreeing certain nights of the week so he can make plans in between?

No she's not from another culture but we have very different backgrounds and lives - they're big drinkers and we're not - but trying not to make judgements.

Your son is sixteen and still studying at school.
He should be spending more time at his studies and you should be prepared to be the "Baddie" and mark a proper timetable on his calendar. ( And no girlfriend will regard him highly if he fails the year.)

Let him blame you for him having to be home earlier, having to visit fewer evenings per week etc.

The food is possibly a result of your son being polite, enjoying the food and saying how nice it is. They are happy to send him home with left overs. I would not worry about that. If you wish him not to accept left overs you have to convince DS to say thanks for the meal but a very firm NO THANKS to taking some home.

My daughter is also 16 and although not diagnosed with PDA she as being treated as such, which basically means she is incredibly stubborn. To the death stubborn, literally, with an eating disorder. These can be used on anyone of any age. It isn’t about you saying something and your ds immediate agreeing or modifying his behaviour. It’s about sewing a seed of perhaps he could do things differently.

Maybe my example of someone missing him isn’t quite right and it would be better to say that he’s such a great big brother / grandson / cousin that they want to spend time with him as it’s been a while and suggest maybe doing something on x date. If you don’t get agreement, you’ll have to decide to go back to it another time or to pull rank gently and book something anyway. Then when it’s booked, remind him that ‘grandma is so looking forward to going out for lunch on Sunday with you and maybe give an anecdote of something fun they did when he was little and how he had a brilliant time.

Yes, he will probably scoff, roll his eyes, tell you to shut up or get angry and shout etc but it’s going in. And just use lots of connection and affirmations. I also understand the inviting a friend thing at his age will probably be seen as a bit weird and that’s ok for him to think that, again just seed sewing.

Is your ds in GCSE year btw?

Is the mum Asian?

FWIW, massively overthinking this.

I'd be thankful they are warm and hospitable enough to include him in their mealtimes, and the mother is being kind in sending him home with food. I'd also be encouraging him to not outstay his welcome and to be taking things with him, now and again, to contribute to meals eg, a homemade pud (yes, made by him, wouldn't that go down well?!) Or nice bottle of wine or chocolates for the parents etc. It's important he learn the need to be a good guest in someone else's home and given they're feeding him often it would be nice for him to contribute so maybe direct your attention helping him in that side of things rather than seeing her kindness as a threat?

I can appreciate your concerns op but it’s not just the food. The food is quite minor compared to all the other things which do sound slightly controlling. I would carry on being loving and supportive and being there to pick up the pieces if, and when, the relationship fails again.

If he's in first year of A'Levels, he needs to be home Sunday to Thursday. School work should be his priority. What are his interests? Sport, Music, etc?

I think you need to arrange some mandatory family outings/events and insist he goes. A two week holiday would provide some breathing space.

Am I getting a vibe that the girlfriend's family might be a bit more switched on/sociable than yours? Are there other children at home?

She is controlling him. Her mother was way out of line asking you to pay for an expensive outfit. They sound like undesirables. I hope he sees sense and finds a girl who won't control him.

Massive overthink. He's 16 and eats loads. Sges sent him home with leftovers that hes enjoyed. Shes not thinking yoh dont feed him. Shes being kind!

As for the clothes thing. If it was for an event eg prom and they were wearing coordinating outfits then also that's appropriate

It may be cultural! My partner is Caribbean and whenever I go round to his Grandma's (I'm 34) I still get given a Tupperware to 'take home' for my family 😀 I diligently drop it off at my parents and they love it. Could it be this?

If your son was hurt when his GF dropped him and then did it again, is it possible that has coloured your view of her and her family? Even subconsciously. I think that would be understandable but might actually be a hindrance to you if their relationship continues. There’s not much you can do about his choice of GF or what her family thinks is ok so you’re probably best off shrugging it off. Difficult but more peaceful.

As for sending him home with a boxed up meal. Maybe she didn’t do that because she thought he needed it; perhaps he’d enthusiastically complimented her on how tasty it was and feeling chuffed she gave it to him so he could have more later if he wanted it. If he’s noticed any prickliness from you towards them, he might not tell you that.

The son of some very good friends of ours got into a similarly unhealthy relationship around the same age. The difference was that she was at their house most of the time. However, their son ended up getting so behind he dropped out of A levels. He’s back on track now and has started uni but it took a couple of years. Can your DH (as a man) talk to him about what a good relationship looks like and how it’s important that your son doesn’t let himself be mistreated?

Yeah don’t you just hate it when people are trying to be nice?

Overthinking it is an understatement. Let it go.

Don't actively seek out petty issues to get angry over. Your boyfriend can sort any issues with his kid, it's fine.

It sounds like you need to teach him some boundaries and communication skills. Coming home with food is fine, it’s a kind thing for them to do, but if he doesn’t want it, he needs to speak up and say no thank you.

Same with seeing the gf. It’s not all on her terms and you don’t need to all wait around to see if she’s free. He needs to start saying, sorry, I have plans but I can see you tomorrow if you’re free. Or you need to just go out and get on with your day, not be waiting around at home for the gf to be available or not. Leave him to it if he doesn’t want to come. Same with staying at hers for dinner. She’s not controlling him by not letting him come home for dinner. He’s just not communicating his plans properly. Stop making dinner for him if he’s not showing up for it (he surely has plenty of leftovers somewhere!).

You can’t be upset that someone is dictating what to do if you never speak up and express what you want and need. All these things he can say no to if he wants. She’s only being ‘controlling’ because everyone seems to just be going along with it and not speaking up.

We did all that after both times she broke up with him. Each time he did something she didn't like (ie wasn't available on one occasion or said he'd prefer to wear something else), she broke up with him. She also said some very nasty things to him after the last break up and he was in pieces and we reassured him those things weren't true and said things like if it's a good relationship you'll agree plans between you, say - lets see each other on Wednesdays and week-ends. Not hanging around waiting to see if she wants to see you and when and then being dropped at the last minute. We also said you maybe need to think carefully if she wants you back or you'll be nervous of saying no to anything and get walked all over.

He was doing really well after the second break up and enjoying college and making new friends - and then she contacted him again some months later. Next thing we knew it was fully back on again. We've just accepted it. I hope he doesn't get his heart broken again because the longer it goes on, the harder it's going to hit him. And yes also prepared for the fact it may become permanent and we don't want to be an outcast family.

I supppose that is my fear. Visions of grandchildren and being excluded! Yes it maybe has coloured our view of her and her family after the previous break ups, and incidences, but trying to just be logical about it. We don't really know them.

I might try asking him why he isn't inviting her over here now. Because he used to. It seems a bit unbalanced at the moment - him going over there all the time.

It started with just week-ends but now it's a couple of times midweek as well. He doesn't get back that late but his head certainly isn't on his studies and his results are going down.

Ok I hear you all about the food - I'm overthinking it.

Before they broke up a few months ago I had sent some flowers from the garden for her Mother but didn't get a thank you! But I wouldn't have sent a meal back with his gf

Maybe you should, next time she’s over, as though it’s the most normal thing in the world! (I would find it odd, to tell the truth).

You sound like a great mum and you’ve really embraced him as your son. It is rare for a “step mum” to have this kind of connection so I wonder if the GF’s mum realises how loved and cared for he is. It’s not the type of thing teen boys talk about.

Maybe you could all get together for a pub lunch or go for a coffee? Get to know one another a bit.

The suit thing: I think the kids may have been co-ordinating outfits and as GF mum was there she was helping out. Rather than her trying to mother your son and tell him what to wear.

Leftovers: if people come to my house and say they enjoy the food, I practically force Tupperware into their hands. I’ll rugby tackle them at the door if I have to 😂 DH is always telling me to just leave it.

I think you're right - maybe I have some insecurity there and feel that they don't consider me to be his Mother - and that Dads don't really count or something. We did sort of get that impression. Also we're not married - by choice - despite being together for 15 years! And I wonder if that makes them think I'm not a Mother figure. Which I most certainly am.

The suit thing was a bit more complicated than that. We were happy for co ordinating outfits but son actually decided he wanted to wear the same as his friends and not "stand out". I will admit I wanted to be involved in him choosing a suit as we were paying for it and they're very expensive - we hadn't expected to do that - and had originally thought he could wear Dad's suit! He looked very smart. He tried to accommodate gf by wearing the colour tie she wanted.

OH has a much stronger opinion than me about gf's family!

Perfectly normal. If I make a big family dinner and someone commented on how they enjoyed it I'd send them packing with a food parcel. It's a lovely thing to do and I can't understand why you'd be offended?