Help DP with drink

[helpwithbooze]

NC for this..

Been with DP for 14 years, one child together. An amazing man, amazing father. Always been a drinker and has cut down hugely over the years but can't quite kick it completely.
Since having baby I need him to be a bit more responsible and not drink regularly, he gets annoying and very unhelpful once he's had a drink & with a small child it is just pointless. He can't kick it completely despite many arguments and a few ultimatums, they work in the short term but he slips back to old ways. He works in a restaurant so surrounded by booze, I do get this is tricky. He managed 3 months without a drink but then we had a party to go to where he had a couple (not a problem) but since he can't get back on the wagon.
Has anyone got advice on how to support him? I almost need him to become allergic to beer!! Because it's only a couple of beers I doubt the GP will refer him anywhere. He wouldn't go to meetings or anything. I feel like he doesn't drink enough now to warrant an urgent problem but he has a dependancy that he can't shake fully. On his days at home he doesn't drink, it's easy. It's not there in front of him. I've suggested he change jobs but he likes where he is. I think it's purely routine & habit but how do I help him break it?

Support him?
You give him an ultimatum and stick with it.
You and your child will never know a moments peace until he is either sober (never drinks again) or you leave.
He is an alcoholic!

A drink? How much is he drinking? Is he drinking in the day when your child is still awake?
To answer your question there is no help for someone who doesn’t want to stop drinking. If it’s affecting you and your child then all you can do is separate.

He won't want to hear this but he needs to quit drinking for good. He can either do it now or when he has lost everything.

The 3cs of alcoholism are:
you did not cause it
you cannot control it
you cannot cure it

Only he can address his reasons for drinking to excess and if he does not want to do so there is nothing you can do to help him. You can only help your own self ultimately and I would urge you to contact Al-anon,

Acting as both his enabler and codependent partner has only given you a false sense of control. It has not helped you or he for that matter. You’re as much in denial as he is re his drinking problem and your own recovery from that has not even started yet. Did you grow up seeing similar as a child, did your parents drink heavily?.

The person I feel for the most in all this is your child because he is an innocent bystander to his parents dysfunctional relationship. What are you both teaching this child about relationships?.

Wow thanks all. He doesn't drink in the day. He may have a pint or two after work. That is all he drinks at the moment. As I said, he has cut down hugely since the start of our relationship. No, our child doesn't witness any drinking as it is after bedtime. I appreciate they are affected by this. Yes, I want to support him, that is what a partnership is. I have stressed to him several times that the only way this will work is if he stops drinking totally. I am after any advice on how to help him achieve this. Leaving is always an option, but I wondered if there is any other suggestions before we get to that point. Fiery LTB posts aren't helpful, as he has cut down so much and isn't a raging drunk at all anymore, it's just getting over the last hurdle of a couple of pints (not minimising it, just making sure it is clear that while yes, he probably is an alcoholic, it is not to the extent of a lot of people!)

What is your own definition of alcoholism if not this?.

Not all alcoholics drink on park benches, many of them hold down jobs until they do not. You’re just constantly firefighting or trying to preempt the next crisis that befalls your home. Make no mistake, it’s not the sanctuary it should be for you or your child. It’s chaos.

Your man’s thoughts centre around drink and where the next drink is going to come from. His primary relationship is with drink, not you and it’s never been with you either. There are no guarantees when it comes to alcoholism. He could well go onto lose everything and still choose to drink afterwards.

Also, no I grew up in a happy home where my parents drank but not excessively or dangerously. I have drunk plenty in my younger years! But no trauma or anything like that. I can't do it anymore, nothing like a newborn and 6 months of morning sickness to put you off drinking!

Aware that alcoholic is a varied term! There is no chaos in our relationship. He is trying and I do believe that as I know him pretty well. I am after any helpful suggestions of how to help him make that final hurdle of stopping completely. I'm not looking for judgement on my life and choices, or slating him.

I can only judge on what I’m reading here but anyone living like this is a functioning alcoholic. They can have days when they don’t drink. But they cannot give it up, and once it affects relationships with others, and they out their drinking before others and even their own welfare, it can become a serious issue.
DH is also in a job where drinking can become a norm. While that might be sociable for younger, single staff, it’s affecting your family life.
Sadly, if he won’t recognise he has a problem then you are powerless in that there is nothing you can do.
However, you can join Al-Anon and speak to others going through what you are going through.
And if it’s only two beers then it’s not an issue, but it’s clearly more.
He has no reason to change. You can offer as many ultimatums as you like, but as long as you stick around, he will continue to drink.
Sorry if I sound like the voice of doom but unless he wants to stop drinking, and you don’t act, he will continue.
It sounds brutal to say you need to leave him, but if really does have a problem life with him is going to continue to be a struggle.

He doesn't want to leave his job

He doesn't want to go to AA

He doesn't want to do anything that would help him to quit because...

He doesn't want to quit.

You are the one who wants him to quit. He does not.

Until and unless he wants to quit, it isn't going to happen.

You can’t help him. He has to want to do it himself. He’s still drinking so he clearly doesn’t.

It definitely is only a beer or two at this point. I know this for certain. That's why I'm querying on here, as the amount is so small in comparison to many others, GP would doubtless be pointless. I do get the opinions labelling him an alcoholic etc. I'm well aware. Just wanting some suggestions for supporting (if there are any!)

Your only real option is to leave him, save yourself and your child from
any more misery caused by his drinking. You are not in a partnership with him because his primary relationship is with drink. You have no power to stop him drinking entirely because that has to come from
him and him alone.

How do you know he is telling the truth, you really do not and I would think he is badly underestimating how much he is drinking now. If he is an alcoholic he should not be drinking alcohol at all. I dare say you’ve covered for him over the years too or made excuses. Such enabling behaviour does not work. What you’ve tried to date re him
has not worked.

You have a choice re him, your child does not.

Does he want to give up these two pints or is he saying he is fine and has no temptation to drink more?
Because controlled drinking as it’s known is impossible for alcoholics.
I really don’t know how you can support him if he feels fine about his drinking levels. I’m sorry you have come on here looking for advice but there is nothing you can do.
For the average man two pints and there is fine but for someone dependent then it’s a slippery slope.
They believe after abstinence they are cured, that they will have a couple and control it, but it rarely works like that.
I am so sorry I wish I had wiser words!

How is he trying if he won’t go into counselling or attend AA meetings?. He’s still drinking. You’re as much in denial about his alcohol problem as he is and he’s also likely telling you what you want to hear. You cannot help him stop drinking, you will fail in doing so and your energies are better spent on both you and your child’s emotional welfare.

An ultimatum also can only be issued once , repeated ones are a waste of time and as you have not followed through he knows you will and indeed have stayed.

Yes I guess what I'm trying to work out is, can he cope with cutting down to a reasonable amount (2 pints say a couple of times a week) or does it have to be nothing. And I guess the only person who can answer that is him, or me as nobody else on here knows him or our situation. It's a shame that so many are so quick to label and doom the relationship and the person when everyone's circumstances are so completely different. I'm not sure coming on here was helpful, thanks to those who have been thoughtful in your responses. I know that ultimately leaving him is probably the end game here, I just hate to think that people are discarded so quickly on here. Hopefully I can update in the future with some positive news that may help to guide others, we shall see. Please be kind to others and don't judge so much, I've seen some helpful posts here and hoped this one would be too, maybe not.

Denial is a powerful force.

Your man does not want your help or support. You’re too close to this to be of any real use to him and he does not want your help anyway. With due respect what can you do, you cannot be his rescuer and or saviour and what you’ve tried to date has not worked.

Your child may not directly see his father drink to excess but you do and he/she will
pick up on all your reactions to that along with all the vibes both spoken and unspoken. As the child ages they see and hear a lot more. They see the empties and your upset at yet another family event or occasion spoilt. They will see a disordered household with a constantly preoccupied and codependent mother whose energies are mainly focused on the alcoholic rather than anything else. It does you no favours to remain in such a household.

Read also about adult children of alcoholics, it will make for uncomfortable reading.

I spent a decade trying to help my partner. I researched endlessly, put theory after theory in front of him. Made every suggestion anyone on here will come up with and then some. I begged, cajoled, threatened and reasoned with him. I tried watching him. I tried putting it out of my mind and trusting him. I believed his promises and believed his lies. I changed myself, our routine, kept the DC quiet and our lives orderly. I absorbed his stress. I booked and paid for medical appointments and therapy. I staged interventions. I was supportive. I withdrew support to prompt a 'rock bottom'...And NOTHING made the slightest difference.
He no longer drinks because it nearly killed him and something must have clicked. But it was none of my doing and id have been so much better not wasting a decade in misery that i'll never get back.

This. That’s really all there is to say.

People are not discarded quickly on here but the only way is really downhill re his alcoholism. You will come to realise that in time. You’re just not ready or willing to hear it.

I've been in your shoes.

I've asked, requested, cried, begged, given ultimatums, left, come back, been to Al Anon, been to counselling alone, done it all.

And it's BECAUSE I've been there that I know exactly how you are feeling, and how hearing it from others has made it worse and made you feel defensive, because you love him.

The reality is you have absolutely no control over this at all, and either HE will choose to knock it off or he won't. Literally nothing you do or don't do can influence that. All you can do is take control of whether you stay with him or don't.

I had no kids at the time, so it should have been easier for me to leave but it wasn't.

I eventually left, he eventually died, I hope yours makes better choices.

Would he switch to non acholic drinks . I know someone who did that as friends believed he was drinking the real stuff and not being pressured into drinking when he had a soft drink.

You may well love him but he loves drink
more. His primary relationship is with drink. Nothing will come between drink and he, not even you, and alcohol is a cruel mistress.

Thankyou. Posts like these are more helpful.. there are others. I'm not in denial, I'm well aware of where we are at. I think how I've written things have made it seem like he doesn't want to change & stop totally. That's not true at all. He desperately wants to stop. I'm well aware of my options and am sad to read some of your stories but they do help. Everyone's story is different. I'm well aware of trauma and damage to children through all sorts of factors thanks, I work with teenagers, I'm not stupid as to think this won't affect my child, hence both of us wanting to sort this.

Does he want to stop, OP?

And why do you want him to stop, what is the impact of the couple of beers he still has?

The answers to these qs might help people respond. On the one hand you're saying it's not a problem how much he drinks at the moment, but on the other you want to help him stop. It's a bit unclear what the motivation is.