Help DP with drink

[helpwithbooze]

NC for this..

Been with DP for 14 years, one child together. An amazing man, amazing father. Always been a drinker and has cut down hugely over the years but can't quite kick it completely.
Since having baby I need him to be a bit more responsible and not drink regularly, he gets annoying and very unhelpful once he's had a drink & with a small child it is just pointless. He can't kick it completely despite many arguments and a few ultimatums, they work in the short term but he slips back to old ways. He works in a restaurant so surrounded by booze, I do get this is tricky. He managed 3 months without a drink but then we had a party to go to where he had a couple (not a problem) but since he can't get back on the wagon.
Has anyone got advice on how to support him? I almost need him to become allergic to beer!! Because it's only a couple of beers I doubt the GP will refer him anywhere. He wouldn't go to meetings or anything. I feel like he doesn't drink enough now to warrant an urgent problem but he has a dependancy that he can't shake fully. On his days at home he doesn't drink, it's easy. It's not there in front of him. I've suggested he change jobs but he likes where he is. I think it's purely routine & habit but how do I help him break it?

I'm also not afraid to split our family up, having re-read my previous post. Our child is propriety to both of us. Yes I do understand that for most alcoholics, their number 1 is drink. I think this hierarchy varies depending on the individual but there are many who come out the other side. Non-alcoholic drinks have been tried before and that did help with the 6 weeks, maybe this is something to retry, thankyou for suggesting.

Yes, and yes. Those couple of pints turn him into a slightly less lovely person. Nothing drastic. But both of us know he is a better person without.
The motivation is our child and our life together. To better ourselves (him with drink, me with all sorts of other demons which I won't go into now) and to build on our really lovely life we have worked so hard for. Drink does nothing to enhance our lives, it is useless for our child. It isnt needed.

You say he desperately wants to stop but does he?. What is he actively doing of his own free will to achieve this aim?. Alcoholism is not called the family disease without good reason because you are all affected. You work with teenagers great so you can see what alcoholism does to them.

If he is trying to stop on his own he will not succeed. He may well have many more years of relapsing too, there are really no guarantees here.

OP I am an alcoholic.
I am sober since August 2016.
I can NEVER drink again.
My DH couldn't help me.

I hit rock bottom, told DH I wanted to stop, booked myself into a counsellor and never drank again from that point.But the urge/temptation is always there.
I didn't go to AA.
Historically I promised DH I would quit, I cut down.....but the reality is I hadn't accepted that I had a problem.
Until your OH accepts he has a problem, changes his lifestyle (and job) your relationship is doomed.

As I said, he's cut down hugely since we have been together. His previous drinking firmly put him in the alcoholic category. He has done so incredibly well to get to this point and that is not me praising him blindly, that is a fact.
How can he do it then? You say he can't do it on his own, so how? This is what I'm asking, for advice and suggestions. I don't know if there are other options other than GP or AA both of which I'm not sure are suitable here? But I don't know that's why I've posted.

Your motivation is your child and life together and rightly so but it’s not his necessarily. He is not wanting to address his drink problem at all.

Thankyou, that's helpful. He has admitted it, constantly admits it, he knows. But you're right, accepting it is different. I'm pleased to hear there is the possibility of kicking it! I know it's something he has to do himself ultimately.

If he does want to stop, what he's done so far to cut down and what he's prepared to do to stop? You've mentioned things he won't do - change his work, go to support meetings - what's his plan?

If its only a beer or 2 why is it a problem?

That’s precisely what I’ve been stating, he has to address the root causes re drinking to excess and that has to come from him and he alone. You cannot help him with that process.

I’ve also seen my mother pour alcohol down the sink, it did not work. He’s elderly now and only stopped drinking completely when he realised it was controlling him and in turn making his health worse.

One Year No Beer is a good community.
But he should know that, because he'll be researching ways to get support. Unless he's relying on will power, which obviously doesn't work (with all sorts of addictive behaviours, otherwise we would all have kicked them easily).

I'm sorry that you're feeling disappointed in the responses, OP, but they are coming from people with experience. Not to be unsupportive or judgemental, but because they recognise the merry go round of trying to help someone who can best be helped by hard boundaries.

He's got so far, from drinking spirits and lots of other things every night, to a pint or two after a shift. I would say he is now in the 'normal' range but as others have pointed out, if you are dependant you need to cut it entirely. The reason one or two is problematic is because he doesn't handle it that well and does change. Not in a drastic way as I've said before, but enough for both of us to know that it isn't helpful to us or our lives.

Thanks. I'm sorry to say it, I understand people have seen it before, but every situation is different and personal. Some comments have been helpful. He has looked into communities like that yes, I think this is why I've found myself a little defensive, suddenly a person is painted as completely useless, incompetent.. that does hurt. I've probably not helped in my responses but I am grateful for the responses and advice. I will talk with him about it all tomorrow and hopefully we can move forward with it all.

And you really do need to get off the merry go around that is alcoholism.

like so many posts of this type (and I’ve sees a

If he is still drinking, even "just" two pints, he is unwilling to live a life without alcohol. He has found excuses not to dismantle the scaffolding he has created to justify his use. Of course he could come straight home after work/go to the gym/change jobs etc. No one is coercing him to consume alcohol, he wants to drink.

Going against the grain, he’s having a couple of drinks? How often? It sounds like he’s not drinking loads to me.

Why do you want to talk to him about his drinking?. That’s likely been done by you
many times before now and your motivation ie your child and family is not his necessarily.

Talking to an alcoholic about his drinking is frankly about as effective as peeing in the ocean. Your energies would be better spent on contacting Al-anon and going to their meetings if possible. At the very least read their literature.

When you decided to have a child with him, did you think the alcoholism was over?

I have called him an alcoholic with you being his codependent partner and enabler. Codependent behaviour and alcoholism go hand in hand and your relationship is unhealthy .

You are caught up in his alcoholism almost as much as he is and you’re certainly affected by your alcoholic as is your family unit . I have never used the words incompetent or use less.

That sounds like a dig. Our child wasn't planned if you must know, these things do happen unfortunately. DC is the best thing to happen to both of us and will always be the priority. If that means giving up on him and leaving then that's what will have to happen.

Enabler is strong. Unhealthy relationship is strong. Both I don't agree with. It's clear you know him better than me & can foresee the future. I'll let you know if you were right in time.

Sorry, wasn't meant as a dig, was just genuinely wondering if you felt that the time was right because he'd stopped drinking. No offence meant

Sorry @Pamspeople I had ideal aspirations of having a family with the perfect person, but hey, they don't exist! I don't regret our journey. I think everything happens for a reason. But DP is an absolutely fantastic father. He has his vice, and he is trying, really trying, I just hope he chooses the right path.

I wish you well, I hope it works out. I the mean time I'd encourage you to read everything you can about living with an alcoholic or someone with an addiction/substance dependency, and focus on support for you. If you're not careful, support for him becomes the focus of family life and you sort of disappear. You might find that others who are or have been in a similar situation can give you the advice you're seeking.

Take care and don't forget about you

I’m going to go against the grain here and say that just because someone used to drink heavily it doesn’t necessarily make them an alcoholic.
My dp used to have a bar in his younger days. He drank A LOT. His business partner was definitely in the functional alcoholic camp and they egged each other on.
This went on for years, dp moved away, got a different job and since then (10 years) has been a very moderate drinker. As in, can take it or leave it. If he’s in a situation where a glass of wine or beer is on offer he’ll have one, but usually just one. To my knowledge he doesn’t really think much about it at all.
If your husband is having a couple of beers a couple of times a week, and is able to stay at that level of (totally normal) drinking would that still be a massive problem?
Is it the worry that he will slip into heavy drinking again?