Dating apps for the first time

[GreenPoet]

Hi everyone, not 100% sure what I want from this but I guess a little glimmer of hope. I separated from my husband last year after I found out he had been having an affair. I waited until the divorce was finalised and I was in my own home before thinking about dating. It’s safe to say my confidence took a huge knock during our marriage, so I don’t have the best self esteem.
I joined bumble and hinge two weeks ago. I swiped and swiped but no one felt attractive to me at all. I realis I am super fussy which probably doesn’t lend itself to dating apps. I started saying yes to guys I found OK and their profile intrigued me, and started getting a few matches. Arranged to meet one but then he started sending me creepy messages about shaving my legs before our date so I cancelled. Started talking to another and I actually found him attractive and funny. Arranged to meet and then I pretty much got ghosted. He later text me to say he felt like it was just banter, so back to swiping. But I just seem to run out of people without swiping right on any. I feel like I can’t swipen on people if the initial attraction just isn’t there. My friends told me I’ll never find anyone without opening up who my type is, but how do I even do that. I’ve also found people I do talk to don’t ask me any questions so that to me is a bit of well if you can’t be bothered don’t talk.
I’ve seen people on the dating sites that my friend dated like 3 years ago and it’s making me think I’ll always be alone. I’m feeling really flat, so basically I’m looking for success stories and some hopefully nice advice (my friend is brutal so I’ve had all the harsh words). How long did it take you to find someone? I didn’t go in completely naive but I’m also completely in it for a relationship. I just can’t help but feel why would someone swipe on me when there are so many more women to pick from.

thank you for any (kind) words. X

“I don’t have the best self esteem”

Forget dating just now. Focus your energy in billing your own self esteem. If you don’t, you will fall prey to abusive men who will smell your vulnerability.

Have a read of this book and if you can, get some counselling.

https://ia600704.us.archive.org/31/items/TheSixPillarsOfSelfEsteem_201811/The-Six-Pillars-of-Self-Esteem.pdf

incidentally, I met my husband OLD so there is hope but there’s a lot of horrors out there too. So, be very picky and watch out for red flags. 🚩

Google the burned haystack method.
good luck!

12 months post divorce I was the same as you OP. Now heading into year 2 I've deleted the apps. I don't do my food shopping online I'm not about to shop for a man on there either as I've heard others say. I'm hoping I'll meet someone the old fashioned natural way rather and if I don't so be it

I think that’s a definite flaw, I feel like I need the compliments to build my confidence. I know I should do it myself but I’ve spent a long time not getting compliments that I feel like I don’t deserve them.
im 36, nearly 37. Have two DC aged 11&8. So then i feel like am I getting too old? do the men who go on these want a woman with 2 children. I was with my ex since being 20 so I’ve been out of this game so long.

I know, it definitely feels like an incredibly small pool which just makes me feel like I’m always going to be alone. I’m having a bit of a pity party. I know people who OLD has worked for but it doesn’t feel particularly positive for me so far

I’d stay away, sorry. It’s too easy for men to treat as a meat market and that won’t do your self esteem any good at all. Much better to find contentment on your own- begin to enjoy just having your own rhythms and preferences to deal with, making your own choices for everything from what’s for dinner to what colour the walls are. Once you find that contentment, you’ll find it easier to see which behaviours are red flags, and cut those people out straight away, because you won’t want to jeopardise your lovely single life for them.
At that point you might meet someone who will add to your contentment- not compromise it.

It s really hard and online dating is brutal. Don't lower what you are looking for, you have to just swipe for those that interest you (whatever reason that may be).
I know lots of people who have met online some it was 6 months others it took 18. Some gave up.

I've been online dating for over a year and it's been mostly awful. I've only met 4 people in person from it. Many just talk and never want to meet, hoping that you'll just sext them or send photos. Or they start sending unsolicited photos because it's about what they need from the situation.

But I have to admit, the real world isn't any more pleasant. I've also met 2 people through chance, both of whom asked for my number. One turned out to be married so I got the joy of telling his wife and the other seemed genuine, nice, a gentleman, spoke of a future, lots of messages, 3hr phone calls, him tipsily asking if I'd be his girlfriend..... Yet after a month he cancelled date 5 last minute and the following day he ghosted me. And he's not read a message from me since.

You're going to go through some massive highs when you feel those exciting flutters of attraction and getting to know someone. And you'll have some god awful lows that leave you in a pit that you aren't sure how to climb out of.

But I hope that one day, someone sees me and I find my person. **note I am also divorced from an ex who cheated so dating does not help on a self confidence level when it ends.

Hmm it seems there aren’t many positives from it.
I know I can be on my own, own my own home, can pay my bills etc. but I really miss having someone to share it all with.
seems that I might just have to face being alone 😕

It's a numbers game.

I went on 100+ dates before I met ex-DP.

Back on the dating apps now for a year, and I've been on around 20 first dates and precisely two second dates.

You are young ! That is in your favour.

Plenty of women don't get divorced till later..I'd say you have an advantage in that there are men your age or a bit older who don't want to find a woman who is still trying to have kids

In the late 30s bracket...there will be many women still trying to find a man fir kids but you are independent of that. So that's a start

What ways could you try and make more acquaintances and friends IRL?

When I was single I decided to focus on growing my friends and thought I'd meet someone that way. It's a more enjoyable thing to focus on....

This is definitely true.

The good men are snapped up in their 20s, so that what remains in the 30-40 dating pool is mostly dog shit.

I started with the apps about a year after separation, like you. They worked best when I was lighthearted about them, and I made a few friends along the way. Generally just meeting for coffee first and meeting quickly after matching so I didn’t commit too much energy helped. I just wanted a snog and to feel vaguely attractive. Photos are a crap way to judge someone imo though.

I did meet my now DP after about 6months, and what I was attracted to was how unpretentious he was / real - not great pics and a straightforward profile!

100+ dates in 3.5 years.

Didn't do anything different when I met ex-DP. As in, it really is just a numbers game. You've got to go through ten tonnes of garbage to find someone who's boyfriend material.

Ok thanks, I actually feel like this has made me feel so much worse. I did already know that the best men would be taken already.
I guess I was hoping for some don’t give up, they are out there, I met mine ….. but it looks like that’s not the case for most people.
my kids leave to go to their dads and ask if I’m not lonely (their dad now lives with affair person) and I hate that I do. I obviously don’t tell them that.

I think this is a little unfair.

does that mean the same goes for woman in their 30’s and 40’s?

i have been in three long term relationships over the last 10 years, I'm in my 30’s, and i ended all three relationships. i certainly wouldn’t class myself in the dogshit pile, nor my single friends!

This is why you shouldn’t be dating. You shouldn’t be looking for validation from men. It’s a recipe for disaster and since you have 2 young kids, you don’t want to expose them to an abusive man, let alone yourself. Do the work on yourself. Figure out why you feel you don’t deserve compliments. Why do you feel unworthy? You really should seek out some counselling because that’s a lie you’ve been telling yourself. The way we speak to ourselves is of crucial importance. Seems to me that you’ve left a long term relationship that wasn’t right for you, which takes courage and strength. And you’re raising your two young children as a single parent. That also takes strength, stamina and a whole host of skills that you’re not giving yourself credit for. Please have a read of the book I posted. And try this little workbook too. If you can’t print it out, you can just do it in a notebook. It’s a good start.

https://emmaashford.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/07/Learning-to-be-assertive-workbook.pdf

You need to build your self esteem, confidence and assertiveness. Otherwise, if you entre the dating scene, you’ll be a sitting duck.

You’re only in your 30’s! My goodness! That’s not old! Why do women devalue themselves so much because they’re not 21 and have children? That’s crap that they’ve been told by people who don’t want women to be confident individuals. The right man will want you no matter what age you are and he will be delighted to have the privilege of being a part of your children’s lives. Any man who’s not, is not a keeper.

You’ll be grand but you have to do the work on yourself first if you want to attract the right man. Be in a position where you don’t need a man and when the right one comes along, it will be a fantastic addition to your already wonderful life. Not the thing you need to chase to try and make your life feel better.

Sorry OP, I was trying to be overly negative, that's just been my experience of OLD in the last year. Maybe you'll have better luck.

Again I was just talking about my experience of OLD - I'm finishing in the age 30-40, never-married-no-kids pool of men. I'm sorry to say it is at least 90% dog shit. Perhaps if you broaden out the search to divorced men or men with children it's less than 90%, but I wouldn't know.