Dating apps for the first time

[GreenPoet]

Hi everyone, not 100% sure what I want from this but I guess a little glimmer of hope. I separated from my husband last year after I found out he had been having an affair. I waited until the divorce was finalised and I was in my own home before thinking about dating. It’s safe to say my confidence took a huge knock during our marriage, so I don’t have the best self esteem.
I joined bumble and hinge two weeks ago. I swiped and swiped but no one felt attractive to me at all. I realis I am super fussy which probably doesn’t lend itself to dating apps. I started saying yes to guys I found OK and their profile intrigued me, and started getting a few matches. Arranged to meet one but then he started sending me creepy messages about shaving my legs before our date so I cancelled. Started talking to another and I actually found him attractive and funny. Arranged to meet and then I pretty much got ghosted. He later text me to say he felt like it was just banter, so back to swiping. But I just seem to run out of people without swiping right on any. I feel like I can’t swipen on people if the initial attraction just isn’t there. My friends told me I’ll never find anyone without opening up who my type is, but how do I even do that. I’ve also found people I do talk to don’t ask me any questions so that to me is a bit of well if you can’t be bothered don’t talk.
I’ve seen people on the dating sites that my friend dated like 3 years ago and it’s making me think I’ll always be alone. I’m feeling really flat, so basically I’m looking for success stories and some hopefully nice advice (my friend is brutal so I’ve had all the harsh words). How long did it take you to find someone? I didn’t go in completely naive but I’m also completely in it for a relationship. I just can’t help but feel why would someone swipe on me when there are so many more women to pick from.

thank you for any (kind) words. X

I don't think it's fair to assume that anyone over 35 on a dating site has "failed" at relationships! I was there because I was widowed at 36. DP was there because his ex broke off their engagement when he was in his late 20s and it had taken him time to get over it, work on himself and feel ready to date and trust again. I also dated a widower, a guy whose marriage had ended amicably because she had taken a job abroad and he didn't want to leave his family, a man who hadn't dated for 10 years because he'd been focusing on co-parenting his son from an accidental pregnancy, etc etc. Lots of reasons that were far outside the "ditched my wife with the kids because I got bored" cliche.

Yes, older people come with more "baggage", but they also come with more life experience and better emotional boundaries. DP is by far the most emotionally healthy man I've ever dated, and having lived alone for 10 years he is also completely adept at keeping a house and pulls his weight in a way neither of the men I lived with in my 20s ever did!

It’s quite depressing to think that most women who have been on the apps think that the men on it are the dregs that’s left. Surely some women are the ones that have been the ones that havent been the better half of a marriage?
I’ve tried to be more open minded when I looked today but I still feel a bit flat with it all.
I truly miss having someone there, and I don’t need someone, I can pay my bills, drive myself places, but I would like someone around.

I met my husband online. So they’re not all awful! There are some good ones. I would be using OLD as an addition to real life opportunities to meet people though. Get involved in some local community projects, go out with your friends and see who you meet in a bar the old fashioned way, follow your interests and maybe you’ll meet someone with the same interests.

I just feel sadness in all honesty
Like you I don't need anyone financially or practically. I also have a good bunch of female friends and two great kids.
However I just can't bring myself to want any of the men on OLD.
I am 48.
Yes I could probably have hot sex with one of the keen younger guys that message. But what's the point? They, quite reasonably would settle down with someone their own age for kids.
The ones my age who I fancy would date a woman 10 years younger than me.

That leaves the so called dregs. The same men who are still on the apps with the same pictures as they were using 3 years ago (when I first took a very reluctant look when my ex H left)
The ones who lie about their age.

Why should I settle for an older man I don't fancy just to have a man, any man?
I don't need the validation but God it's lonely.
I think real life has to be the only way forward. Not sure how though with young teenagers who need ferrying around and lots of input.

Of course its the dregs. Men and women. Who else is it? Its basically other peoples cast offs in the majority, along with a handful of unwanted terminally single.

The charity shop of people.

Or at best, TK Maxx.

Cast offs? That feels super harsh.

Most people are telling you the same because it's true.

It's baggage and issues central.

What is the profile of the sort of man you expect to meet on there?

I guess for me, I was hoping to find someone who was in a similar position to me, their first time didn’t work out.
I do feel like there needs to be an initial attraction though and maybe that’s where I’m struggling most. I guess I go for the type that every other woman does.

It may take some time but you only need to find one. But you have to do a lot of swiping to meet that one. And that one may not currently be on the apps, or your app, they may be just out of a relationship and not yet ready, or they may be paired up and have no idea that in a year's time they will be single.

I'd continue chatting to people who you think might be OK but don't invest too much in the conversations until you've met a couple of times.

Get out to social events and meet people in real life too so you have something to look forward to on your child free weekends - MeetUp app can be good for finding local groups.

What an absolute load of fucking dross!!

I’ve read some idiotic things on MN over the years but this has to be one of the most stupid things I’ve read.

yes it can be hard work, and yes it can be soul destroying at times, and yes there are a large number of ‘undatables ‘ but to say it’s only the dregs and other people’s cast offs is utter ridiculous.

my mum is 65, she’s absolutely amazing, and yes she has met some strange men on there, , but she has also had some nice relationships over the years from OLD, that haven’t worked out for many reasons.

But If anyone ever called my mum part of the dregs, or someone else’s cast offs I swear I would make their life hell.

@Sweetchicken89 why quote me? Multiple PPs used the dregs word first and I just agreed with them.

I actually think Dregs would make a great name for an app for daters post age 30. Or Castoffs, cos thats basically all thats left, bar the unicorns.

Watch this and lighten up.

I married my children's dad at 19 and was with him 17 years. It was a real shock to find myself single and how dating has changed since 2004!!
I was on pof for a few months and had 2 dates from there but they didn't turn out to be anything.
One Friday night I was bored and decided to sign up for fb dating. The next day I started talking to my now dh and we've never looked back. It can happen but it can be hit and miss.
I did have a few creeps on pof that just wanted one thing.

I also have a friend who met her now dh on hinge and they've been together over 4 years; married and have a child.

Just take your time and don't settle for less than you deserve x

Thank you for the few success stories. Can I ask how old you were when you met partners on there? Is there an age gap?

I met DH through OLD aged 42 when I had 5 and 7 Yr old DS. I'd been separated 6 weeks and he'd been separated 8 weeks. Nearly 13 years later and he's still the love of my life.

I was 35 and dh 41 when we met online. I have 3 dc with additional needs and he has 1 dc. X

I would say @GreenPoet that if you find it is getting you down, come off for a bit and take a break. Then go back on in a few weeks.
It is a game of luck, just as it is when you go to a bar or do a hobby. It's just luck whether there is someone you connect with, in the right place, at the right time, and who is actually available and not a total arse.

@MaryTwerps I don't think the dregs comment is helpful or supportive in the slightest. I'm definitely not a castoff and am proud that I had the courage to leave a total arsehole even if that means I'm dating online.

Absolute genius

Very well said.

I don't consider myself a cast off either and I was the one doing the casting off when I left my ex.

My friends think I am very lucky to have met my DH. He is a much better choice of life partner than anyone I dated when I was younger. And he was childless so didn't have loads of baggage. It's been the best relationship of my life.