Dating apps for the first time

[GreenPoet]

Hi everyone, not 100% sure what I want from this but I guess a little glimmer of hope. I separated from my husband last year after I found out he had been having an affair. I waited until the divorce was finalised and I was in my own home before thinking about dating. It’s safe to say my confidence took a huge knock during our marriage, so I don’t have the best self esteem.
I joined bumble and hinge two weeks ago. I swiped and swiped but no one felt attractive to me at all. I realis I am super fussy which probably doesn’t lend itself to dating apps. I started saying yes to guys I found OK and their profile intrigued me, and started getting a few matches. Arranged to meet one but then he started sending me creepy messages about shaving my legs before our date so I cancelled. Started talking to another and I actually found him attractive and funny. Arranged to meet and then I pretty much got ghosted. He later text me to say he felt like it was just banter, so back to swiping. But I just seem to run out of people without swiping right on any. I feel like I can’t swipen on people if the initial attraction just isn’t there. My friends told me I’ll never find anyone without opening up who my type is, but how do I even do that. I’ve also found people I do talk to don’t ask me any questions so that to me is a bit of well if you can’t be bothered don’t talk.
I’ve seen people on the dating sites that my friend dated like 3 years ago and it’s making me think I’ll always be alone. I’m feeling really flat, so basically I’m looking for success stories and some hopefully nice advice (my friend is brutal so I’ve had all the harsh words). How long did it take you to find someone? I didn’t go in completely naive but I’m also completely in it for a relationship. I just can’t help but feel why would someone swipe on me when there are so many more women to pick from.

thank you for any (kind) words. X

*fishing

But I’m a male and I instigated the splits, that’s my point!

I’ve been in very happy relationships in my 20’a and 30’s but for various reasons they didn’t work out, that’s just life, it doesn’t make me ‘dogshit’ in the dating pool!!

Threw back?! What a lovely way to put it!

one cheated, one needed to move abroad for work and the other wanted kids and marriage and I wasn’t ready…

all very genuine reasons and reasons primarily out of my control but none of which make me a bad catch in the dating pool.

Keep positive. It is a numbers game though. I saw someone on a chat show say all dating apps should be combined into one and renamed 'What's left'.

There will be a lot of weeding out to do, but manage your time carefully and keep your standards up but also have an open mind. Use it to experiment to find out what your type is (and is not) for what you are looking for now (not when you were 20). Watch out for those who just message constantly but won't meet, they are either married or just looking for attention.

I met dp through OLD when I was 51 and he's very far from dogshit, and neither am I. But tbh I went into it absolutely certain that I was a catch that any man would be lucky to be with. You sound a million miles from feeling positive about dating or about yourself. I'd really prioritise friendship and socialising more generally, and finding ways to feel good about yourself - sport, hobbies, volunteering? A family hobby that you do together and meet people as a group? 'Sharing it all' with someone very quickly translates into trying to juggle your kids plus his kids, who only get on some of the time, and having his ex in your life. That can be OK (dp's kids are adults thank goodness, and his ex is so nice that we're all going on holiday together next year) but it isn't simple or in any way making your life easier.

It really is a numbers game. I chatted to more people than I can count – some fizzled out mutually, some I ended up blocking, some stopped talking to me. I went on maybe 20 first dates, maybe 5 second dates and had three short term, non-serious things. DP was different in that he kept turning up, kept chatting. I was hesitant at first as he was SO different to my late husband in every way and I wasn’t sure he was right for me. He’s now my fiancé and I genuinely couldn’t have found anyone better – it just took me time to open myself up to love again.

If you can bear it, stick at it. If it starts to hurt, take a break. Never take anything seriously until they show you they’re taking it seriously first. For me it was an empowering, enjoyable experience overall – and the end result has been more than worth it.

I agree that you will find you will tap in and out of it as and when you feel like it.
And I apologise if my comment made it sound like you have no hope.
Unfortunately my experience with any form of dating post separation hasn't been particularly pleasant. Even the ones that seemed different, and engaged in conversation soon disappeared with the same speed that they had arrived. Plus, a recent experience has negatively tainted my current view, but in a few weeks I'll have refreshed and started again.

I'm still hopeful that there is the possibility of something out there for me so don't give up hope. But be prepared to have to build yourself up and have faith in who you are. As there are sadly a lot of people who can use dating as a game and they will carve a way in and then leave.

@GreenPoet I did have a positive experience and have met someone I generally consider a walking green flag and really really lovely. A couple of things -

• sounds like maybe I’m more open minded about looks than you? I also am attracted to people with a slight degree of nerdiness
• remember research shows that a large % of women are swiping yes to a very small % of men so be open minded so you don’t overlook a gem!
• he’s widowed, was widowed fairly young. In reality although his marriage wasn’t perfect he would have most likely stayed married and not become available if life hadn’t happened in that way.
• we got chatting when he’d only been on bumble for 12 hours. Get them when they’re new and fresh before the sweet shop / something better round the corner mentality creeps in!

“Small pool” … so true ! When I was on Tinder and Bumble I’d switch from one to the other and it’d be the same guys !
Had some disastrous dates - and some fun ones. Met a real nice guy on Tinder and had a few good fun dates, same as you I have my own home and everything - he came round to mine and we cooked together and it was nice. He didn’t stay the night that night just a good date !
I ended up on a night out and meeting a guy in a bar, classic, and obviously didn’t see the tinder guy again but he was nice and the dating gave me confidence and was never a reflection on me, just meeting people you feel you might vibe with. Just have to find a way to filter the weirdos !

Success story here, signed up to bumble after a drunken night with a friend, was so tempted to cancel the next day cause I had never done anything like this before and had been single for five years. Chatted to a few men and within a week started chatting to my boyfriend, we have been together for two years now. I never thought it would work for me and you do hear lots of horror story's. But i definitely got lucky with my man.

Thank you for some positive stories. It does feel like an uphill battle. I think because the 2 weeks I’ve been on the 2 dates arranged both didn’t happen it’s made me question me more. My personality style is very bantery and not flirty so it’s maybe very easy for me to not get looked at in a date way. I think I’m also just disappointed because when my friends wanted me to sign up, they said I would get lots of attention and I guess I did a bit but none by anyone I found attractive. in a non ego way - before I was married, I never had any trouble getting dates, lots of people were interested so I feel like I either have aged terribly or I’m aiming way too high in looks

How long did it take for you to find someone that stuck?

I started on them at 37 post divorce, it's hard going! You need the confidence for it not to bother you, they're just strangers! I've just turned 40 and I think I've finally met a good one, were 9 months in and taking things really slow and I'm happy. It's a total numbers game. I think I'm the opposite to you though, I don't find pics all that attractive on anyone and it's definitely a personality that attracts me so that's really hard from a profile! Takes time and just a numbers game

You’re contradicting yourself abit there, saying there’s no-one you found attractive but yet you’re disappointed you haven’t had that much attention. By the sounds app dating isn’t for you. Just enjoy yourself - go be you and someone will come catch your eye, don’t force it if it’s not there.
Or take the apps as a bit of fun and just meet guys, doesn’t have to be serious just see who you gel with - maybe don’t look at their profile as though “is this the one” maybe just think, could I have a fun date with this guy.

Another positive story here. I was in your situation. I joined a dating app & found someone after a few months who I dated for around 5 years. I ended that as it wasn’t right, left it a few months then went back on & found someone else within a few weeks & we’ve now been together a couple of years.

I don’t find the app experience fun, that bit is a slog.

Like a PP, I was open minded about photos & met someone that was better looking in person. I know I’m not great in photos so assume others can be too. I went in apps where it wasn’t all photo based, where you could read lots on profiles about people so I could get a sense of them before chatting.

It is logistically hard to date though. Neither of us have much spare time around our kids so we have to grab time together when we can.

Good luck. As others have said maybe work on your self esteem as that will come across on dates.

I did. No baggage, same age as me, a genuine nice man. They walk among us! He was almost as cautious as I was, having had some bad experiences too, but we’re very happy now. I met him IRL though. I wonder if men who are genuine are equally put off by OLD.

Yes can completely see how it looks to be contradictory. I have had matches but then when I’ve looked back on their profile I haven’t found them as attractive as I thought I did. Then the ones I do find attractive don’t ever message back - I think that’s where the disappointment is. My ex and I were friends for a year before we got together so it was a very natural progression and I possibly wouldn’t have swiped on him in an app. I’m trying to look past the physical side of it but I find that hard on something like this where there’s very little else to go on. I’m also struggling to carry on a conversation as a lot don’t seem to ask questions, so it’s me forcing a conversation. Dunno if that’s normal for men? Sorry all, I think I am just feeling a bit flat with it all.

I’d come off it for a bit if I was you then… do something you actually enjoy. When I felt like that with it I’d get out walking or go to the gym, swim or even go read a book in the library… it’s a nice place to be my local one and the feeling of not been sat at home was the main reason. But do something that going to make you feel good about yourself is my point. Then maybe have a look in a few weeks - might be some new faces too !

I did online dating for 3 years before meeting my DH. You do need to know yourself and know what kind of man you are looking for. You keep talking about finding them attractive to even chat but at this point I think that's limiting yourself. When you read a profile and it's a decent profile and the person looks fine just chat with them and see how/if chatting flows. If it does then have a phone convo and then decide if you want to meet.
And yes online dating is frustrating at times and you come across idiots but that's what you have to go through to meet that someone who is different to the others.
My now DH's profile was short and nothing special and his pics were basic but we had a good short chat before we spoke on the phone and we had a good call where he asked me proper questions.

Friends and acquaintances I know who've met partners online fall into two camps:

Under 35's - healthy happy relationships; 2 engaged and 1 married

Over 35's - have 'settled' for men that don't bring much to the table (or bring a load of drama).

I don't know anyone late thirties/ early forties who has met a real keeper online. Not that my pool is statistically significant, but it's depressing none the less.

Outside of online dating, I know of people who have reconnected with people from their past (not ex's but old friends or friends on the fringes) and found happiness with them or have met organically - work events, pubs etc.

I think you have to put the effort in to meet outside of online dating, say yes to invitations, join clubs, meet as many people as you can in the year. Good luck :)

I’m also struggling to carry on a conversation as a lot don’t seem to ask questions, so it’s me forcing a conversation.

One of the last OLD interactions I had was a guy who messaged me, then responded to my messages with one word answers, before accusing me of interrogating him! He was fairly typical of the calibre of men on there IME, you wonder what they’re expecting and the conclusion I drew was that they expect no-effort sex. They see OLD as a sort of supermarket where they have the right to pick and choose women, effort, behaviour…

(The very last OLD I met I did move in with, but it was a disaster as he became aggressive and then violent, and all my fault as I hadn’t learned the lessons of my previous disasters. Anyway, I then stayed away from men for the five years and that was the best move I ever made. I moved from desperately seeking validation to really not caring if I found a man or not. And then I was able to get into my current relationship. It will be my last, though.)

I've just joined this weekend OP so interested in the responses. I go for personality really so have only kept chatting with the ones who seem able to to string paragraphs together. I have had some fun conversations this weekend. Meeting one for a drink tonight and one tomorrow. Will see if there is any attraction when we meet irl.

Have had to block some creepy sexting type ones. I'm 55. Have gone for men 38 to 55 😄 have had offers of no strings fun sex arrangements from a couple of extremely good looking men in their late 30s 😉

Good luck. I'm not looking for anything specific really, my life is full with friends and family, so any man will just be the cherry on top of the cake, so to speak.

Most divorces are instigated by women (or have been instigated by women in the past) because men are generally less likely to live with their children post-divorce and so are less likely to instigate divorce as a result, not because men are somehow inherently eviler than women. That's not really a helpful attitude for somebody trying to date