DH pressure for me to change my name on Facebook straight after getting married

[ChristmasHound]

This happened a while ago, just something I’m pondering on. DH and I got married, lovely day, straight to Honeymoon the following day (abroad) At the airport DH asked me if I had changed my name on Facebook yet (to his) We had been busy obviously and I hadn’t thought to log on to change it. He was very put out that I hadn’t done it yet stating that it obviously wasn’t important to me. We had a mini spat!

He then found an internet cafe and made me log on to change it immediately, with him looming over my shoulder the whole time!

It’s only a small thing but I remember feeling pressured to log on and change it right there and then before our flight. I am the type of person that likes to do things in my own time, I was still processing being married and our wedding in general especially as our families had had a spat themselves the following day which had been upsetting.

Plus letting go of my old name was a big deal, I was happy to take his but changing my name on official documents/social media felt like a private moment that I would do when I was ready.

Thanks for reading so far.

How has his behaviour been since that event?

A few little flags waving here.....

Oh dear...

Wow he really sees you as his property

I’d change it back.

Yes, how has he been since, because that in itself is controlling & weird...

An internet cafe?! When exactly did this happen?

Why didn’t you just say to him…I’ll do it in my own time. I just committed to love you for ever geez, that doesn’t make me your property.

Really took me back! Like, 20+ years ago back!

I remember xh and I having a row on the way back from our honeymoon as he wanted to hold my passport for convenience and I felt threatened by not knowing where it was at all times. Tbh it wasn't exactly a red flag about him, but it was about our relationship- in fact we looked at nearly everything quite differently. We lasted 5 years in total.

The fact that you didn't just laugh and say 'chill out Zuckerberg, I'll get to it in my own time' and he couldn't accept that kind of response does suggest you've got some communication issues.

Bring it up with him.

Maybe an internet cafe is the wrong term? Can’t remember exactly but the airport had computers that you could log onto in the V lounge? My phone was crap at the time with no signal.

Lots of other issues, small stuff that adds up to bigger things if that makes sense. It was a feeling of coercion to change it right there and then, a massive pressure from him. I did try and say that I would do it in my own time but he was put out that all our friends could see that I still had my old name. Ridiculous I know.

Yikes.

He sounds like a controlling, misogynistic prick. Is he?

What was he like before you married?. My guess is that he was charm personified but now you may well be seeing the real him. Flags are waving here and you are being coerced already.

Is he generally quite dominant? How does he take the word no? As in, does he ever accept it, or does he usually badger people until they give in or sulk?

If the answer is yes, or if it's no but you're starting to see a change in behaviour now you're married, think very long and hard about having children with him, and keep an eye on your contraception.

Well, I knew a couple who initiated divorce proceedings as soon as they landed back after the honeymoon. It's an option.

But try just saying no to him first, put him in his place and see how he reacts.

What is he like when you say the word no to him?

This was a while ago - whirlwind romance (not recommended!) I do stand up to him now. At the time I didn’t.

Hmm I wouldn't like that. I agreed to double barrel on marriage and a couple of weeks after the wedding DH mentioned a few times how I hadn't changed my name on social media. I did it because I planned to do it anyway but tbh I haven't changed any official documents and primarily go by my usual name.

I did feel a bit bad when we were on honeymoon and everything was booked under my 'maiden' name (I was the lead booker) so every restaurant we went in, we had to say my name, and it was on the TV in our room 😂 they knew we were honeymooners so just assumed that was our marred name.

I get the feeling it bothers him because occasionally he'll joke that I don't even use his name, but I don't think he could ever actually tell me he feels peeved about it because he knows I'd think he was being pathetic!

How long ago was this and how is he with you day to day now?.

What’s he like when you stand up to him?. Some abusive men like supposedly strong women who answer back as they see them as an additional challenge to take down.

Although our Honeymoon was beautiful and I was grateful to be in such an exotic location, there was an incident when we were away, our parents were fighting back home, disagreeing about childcare for our toddler, I text his Mum as she was refusing to hand over DS to my parents. DH became very angry that I had done that and punched a wall in our hotel and told me he hated me.

It’s doomed isn’t it?

Punching a wall is a message alright and not a good one.

I think you're right OP. Start thinking seriously about how to extricate yourself.

He views you as his property.
Ive never changed my surname for any of .y marriages and Id laugh if they tried to make me.
Id watch this behaviour it sounds very controlling.

Yes.