DH pressure for me to change my name on Facebook straight after getting married

[ChristmasHound]

This happened a while ago, just something I’m pondering on. DH and I got married, lovely day, straight to Honeymoon the following day (abroad) At the airport DH asked me if I had changed my name on Facebook yet (to his) We had been busy obviously and I hadn’t thought to log on to change it. He was very put out that I hadn’t done it yet stating that it obviously wasn’t important to me. We had a mini spat!

He then found an internet cafe and made me log on to change it immediately, with him looming over my shoulder the whole time!

It’s only a small thing but I remember feeling pressured to log on and change it right there and then before our flight. I am the type of person that likes to do things in my own time, I was still processing being married and our wedding in general especially as our families had had a spat themselves the following day which had been upsetting.

Plus letting go of my old name was a big deal, I was happy to take his but changing my name on official documents/social media felt like a private moment that I would do when I was ready.

Thanks for reading so far.

DH became very angry that I had done that and punched a wall in our hotel and told me he hated me.

It’s doomed isn’t it?

Yes. That is the start of what is going to be a great deal of domestic violence.

I'm so sorry. You need to make plans to leave.

He's controlling and abusive and telling you he hates you - while you're on your honeymoon. That's awful.

Yes, it's doomed.

Holy shite.

Wall punchers are sociopaths.
It's a deliberate intimidating tactic.

Get out.

I'm going to hazard a guess and say he is a different nationality? Some are 'more' known for this being a requirement.

The other one I can think of (doesn't justify it either, of course!). Some men get jealous/ insecure of other men. Do you have lots of male friends, and/or were you a bit of a party girl? Obviously, this indicates he doesn't trust you, rather than the ownership aspect. He might not feel the need if he felt you were 'behaving appropriately'.

Both are significant red flags.

Has he ever shoved you, or pushed you, or hit you?

Completely doomed. He sounds like an abusive misogynist

Christ.

Why wouldn’t his mum pass over your child? That’s terrifying- especially as your husband saw nothing wrong with that.

Look OP, you married a twat. So many of us did.

Get therapy and swear not to allow him to rule you.

@ChristmasHound how would he feel about changing his name? Bet he wouldn’t. There has never been any legal requirement (at least not in UK) to change your name. I’m proud of my family and name and I wouldn’t change it for anyone, so that level of attempted control would have caused me to call things off.

The apple didn't fall far from the tree, sounds like his mother is controlling too, if she was refusing to stick to the plan of care. Lovebombed you, got you pregnant and trapped early on then married you - all signs that he wants control over you. Make sure your contraception is watertight and make plans to exit. He might think your stuck, but if you value your safety, you can still get out. Sounds like your parents might end up relieved.

I think you are right. It's doomed. You need to leave. All the signs are there.

Speak to Women's Aid to help sort out your head and for advice on what to do next.

On seeing your OP, I was going to post that a man who expects you to change your name to his is a red flag. When I clicked see all OPs posts, that was confirmed.

It's never acceptable for him to behave like that around you. Bet he was trying to make you feel scared. What's his behaviour been like since then?

I got as far as 'punched the wall'. Yes it's doomed, because he is an aggressive abusive controlling bully and he will continue to escalate until you get out. Please leave. This is not salvageable. I'm so sorry.

I wish I still had my birth surname. I wish I had been stronger upon marriage and just said I wanted to keep it. My DH would have respected that and no issue. I was married before and took that surname so I had to change either way upon marrying DH. I hope my DD's keep their name. I won't influence them either way but the tradition of taking the man's name is quite frankly ridiculous.

Yes it is doomed. Don't let yourself believe anything else.

He sounds absolutely awful.

thats really concerning. I hope you can both get therapy.

Therapy doesn't fix 'bastard'. It's also advised that couple coundilling is never attended with an abuser. Individual therapy may help op recover from this relationship once she escapes of course. Or find the strength required to leave , even.

Oh dear me. Leave him!