DH pressure for me to change my name on Facebook straight after getting married

[ChristmasHound]

This happened a while ago, just something I’m pondering on. DH and I got married, lovely day, straight to Honeymoon the following day (abroad) At the airport DH asked me if I had changed my name on Facebook yet (to his) We had been busy obviously and I hadn’t thought to log on to change it. He was very put out that I hadn’t done it yet stating that it obviously wasn’t important to me. We had a mini spat!

He then found an internet cafe and made me log on to change it immediately, with him looming over my shoulder the whole time!

It’s only a small thing but I remember feeling pressured to log on and change it right there and then before our flight. I am the type of person that likes to do things in my own time, I was still processing being married and our wedding in general especially as our families had had a spat themselves the following day which had been upsetting.

Plus letting go of my old name was a big deal, I was happy to take his but changing my name on official documents/social media felt like a private moment that I would do when I was ready.

Thanks for reading so far.

Telling you he hates you and punching walls are forms of domestic violence and a massive red flag. Yes this is doomed.

Yes. Domestic violence is always unacceptable.

Hes shown you who he is.

Very much doomed. You have a child, put her first and separate from him.

Hmm I wouldn't like that. I agreed to double barrel on marriage and a couple of weeks after the wedding DH mentioned a few times how I hadn't changed my name on social media. I did it because I planned to do it anyway but tbh I haven't changed any official documents and primarily go by my usual name

Your husband doesn’t sound much better regarding changing your name @microwoods - why mention it multiple times within a few weeks? I know women who took months to change it and some who didn’t even change it all on social media years later and their husbands were fine with it. I’d find both you and OPs husbands behaviour a red flag.

OP, when was your wedding - can you say roughly how long you’ve been married just to give us a bit of an idea? And you say it was a whirlwind and yet you have a toddler?

That’s horrendous that he a. Punched the wall and b. Said he hated you. Punching objects etc is definitely an act of aggression and can often lead to more direct violence. Please be careful, it is very alarming.

The insistence that you change your name right then and there was clearly a symptom of a wider problem.

Oh darling, this is DOOMED! The domestic abuse started then (if not before). Please get away!

Based on your other posts, I think the marriage is over and you're finally seeing him for who he really is- a controlling arse.

Yes.
Do you have a ‘walk out’ pot? If not, start fixing up your finances and make a plan to leave.

And for heavens sakes make sure you keep your computer locked down and erase your history meticulously, because reading this conversation could well tip him over the edge. He sounds unhinged. Sorry :-(

I agree @coconuttyy it's something we talked about before we got married. I think him expecting me to take his name was misogynistic. He came round and even offered for us both to double barrel, along with our daughter. I didn't see the need for it because tbh I don't really care what his name is!

I think him asking was more motivated by him wanting us to present as a unit after our wedding, although that was probably motivated by the same initial misogyny - he didn't want it to appear that I was rejecting his name entirely.

I don't think he'd ever reflected on why he had certain expectations. He isn't misogynistic in our day to day lives and there aren't any other red flags. I've asked him how he would feel if someone pressured our daughter to change her name, and I think that different perspective helped.

Oh OP this is not going to get better, he will get worse and it won't be the wall getting his fist, it will be you. You and your child deserve better. Please be safe.

I hope it is doomed and you can move on from him. He sounds horrid and the fact this plays on your mind speaks volumes.

Yes it should be over.

Punching walls is designed to put you in fear. It’s a threat.

I’m worried about the sort of upbringing he had, the values and beliefs he has around you and the dc (seeing you as property)- this story about his mum makes it sound as if she is just as bad. I’m a bit worried for you, OP. How long have you been married?

https://tu.tv/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that.pdf

www.rightsofwomen.org.uk

Yes sadly it is doomed OP. I had the whole punching the wall thing, only it was a window pane which broke. Terrifying. I thought he was going to turn on me next. Please please make plans to leave, it won't get better.

Fair enough! As long as he’s generally not like that. I guess we all do live in such a misogynistic society that even the more progressive and “enlightened” men (including my leftist partner) tend to have some misogynistic leanings, unless they consciously unlearn and unpick a lot of their ideas.

Ops partner on the other hand is displaying some very disturbing and dangerous behaviour that goes way beyond what I’d call “everyday sexism”.

OP does your family know about his violence and aggression?

I would find that whole incident to be extremely concerning, from his mother's actions to his violent reaction because you texted her.
This is very irrational behaviour. Do you get on with your in laws in general?

presumably most of your good friends were actually at the wedding and therefore fully aware you were married!
Agree with others, red flags waving. I daren't ask what his reaction would have been if you'd said 'actually I'm not going to change my name.'

If my husband had tried that with me, there would not have been any honeymoon.

my name on FB etc is Name Surname Maiden Name, as old friends won't know my married surname - so if you search my married name or maiden name you will find me - you could change back to that and if asked say its because people couldnt find you. Same on linked in as most of my career I was under maiden name (I didnt change my name professionally when we got married, too much of a faff)

You say you stand up to him now but how often is that compared to when you keep schtum for a quieter life. It must be exhausting being in a relationship with someone who thinks they have the last word on every bloody thing. Your H sounds like a dominant character —an arsehole— and since being married he has probably become more so, not uncommon with these types.

The internet cafe moment was a big red flag and it’s probably on your mind because you now know without certain, that it was. It says a lot about how he views you, aka an extension of him and not someone with autonomy. That’s why his perception of what his friends, family think about your actions are more important to him, their opinions count, yours less so.

Where do you go from here now that you realise that you’ve married to a dick, you continue being you and not letting his wants take centre stage. You’ll never regret being authentically you.

Woah, if you're having to 'stand up' against little things this is going to get bad.

Get support you are in an abusive relationship. It doesn't matter when it started at the moment, you just have to get yourself and child safe. You can do the retro look back later.

Good grief!!!!!!

How long ago was the wedding?

Had he done anything like that before? What about the coercion/pressure to do what he wants right now like the FB name change thing? Any sign of this behaviour before the wedding?

If not, or maybe subtle signs that ramped up literally the second you were married, be very careful. That's a sign that he believes you're trapped now. As soon as he's 'locked this thing down' with a wedding the mask has well and truly slipped.