Please tell me this gets better

[Heja]

Last week my husband of 15 years moved out after a very bad argument, saying he wanted a break. Since then he’s been quite cold and detached and not communicative at all.
For those who will say he’s having an affair…. He could well be and I’ve thought about it myself but I actually think he’s going through some kind of mental breakdown.
The problem is, despite having had a difficult year this still came completely out of the blue. Our relationship has always been fun and supportive and full of love. He’s my best friend. We have 3 young children together and my heart is breaking. He’s basically saying he wants to go to counselling (for himself) and then eventually for us. He says he needs a break and some space. He’s put a plan in place for seeing the children who absolutely adore him but other than that he won’t speak to me.
We have always been that couple that would be in contact a lot throughout the day, just texts and phone calls checking in, very loving. We’ve got a busy life with 3 kids and a dog and a big house to run that is very remote and I feel so abandoned and lonely. Sounds cliche but I can’t eat, can’t sleep, feel on the edge of a panic attack all the time. Desperately trying to keep it together for the children. Having to stop myself from texting him and asking why over and over. I’m beside myself.

I just need some help. Someone to listen to me who’s been in this situation. Tell me it gets better. Tell me I’ll get through this.

Myself and my partner took a break and he left because of his mental health. It was awful and at the time I couldn't fully understand his thinking/reasoning. I do now though as he eventually opened up properly. He felt utterly useless to himself and the family and he reached a point where he felt he was dragging the rest of us down by existing. He decided he needed to get himself better before he could be good for anyone else, but he couldn't do that living with us as it made him feel pressured to put on a front/happy face all day, he felt I'd have expectations that he wouldn't be able to meet which would make us all feel worse.
It worked out for us. He took the time he needed and went to counselling, our communication picked up again and he's back better than ever!
At the time I honestly thought that was it, no going back, he's never going to return etc....

I'm not sure what else to say but please know it may not be a bad thing despite how it feels at the moment. I look back now and am glad that's the route we ended up taking. I hope it works out the same for you too 💐

Thank you so much for your reply. It’s like I understand him needing a break but I feel physical grief at him being gone. I miss him so much and it’s only been a week. I keep picking up the phone to text/call him and have to put it down and walk away. It’s so hard

I'm sorry you're in this tough situation, but whatever happens it will get better.

Do you have any close friends or family you can talk to about this in real life?
Can you try to plan a time to speak to him so you can find out a bit more? I understand he needs space but I think you need some answers or just a bit more clarity, you can't keep on the way you are for weeks and weeks.

I'm really sorry, it's so hard. In the meantime, try to look after yourself, if you can't eat then drink lots of fluids, if you can't sleep then try to rest. If you feel the panic bubbling and rising, put ice cubes or run cold water on your wrists, or step outside and get a bit chilly. Deep breaths, talk out loud if you need to.

You're going to be ok x

Thank you. I’ve told my best friend and that’s it. She is super supportive and checking in but I haven’t told anyone else. Not my parents or siblings or any other friends. It’s like if I actually speak it out there then there’s no going back if you see what I mean? I think everyone would be totally shocked. We’ve absolutely had ups and downs, of course we have but I would’ve said we were a pretty solid couple. I would NEVER have thought he’d have left.
We’ve obviously had to tell the children, just said we’re having some time apart and tried to phrase it in a child friendly way. The younger 2 (5&6) are ok, my oldest (9) is struggling. As well as feeling sad I feel really ANGRY. Like how could he just leave us?

You poor thing, completely understand your reasoning for not telling everyone.
I'd imagine if this goes on without change for a couple more weeks it would be best to update someone else, purely because you'll need the support. It's hard to talk about though! Glad you have your best friend helping though, that means a lot.

Is your 9 year old in school? They might need to be informed too if it goes on for a while as they'll probably notice your oldest's behaviour changing and they'll be able to support them too. These things are usually dealt with with the upmost discretion, so don't be afraid to let someone detached from you know about it- it might even be a relief as they won't ask questions or freak out.

You're right to be angry, you'll probably go through similar stages of emotion as you do when you're grieving- let them all out! Channel that anger into demanding some information if needed- you deserve to not be in the dark about your own life. Maybe he can write down what's going on so you can react to it privately. He's an utter arse though for leaving you in the lurch!

Thank you. Should’ve said, all the children are in school. I did speak to the headteacher on Monday and said the children had received some difficult family news but didn’t elaborate. She was lovely and said she’d be on the lookout for if any of them needed extra support etc. I’m also trying to be very upbeat around them, encouraging them to ask any questions and not being upset in front of them.
I’ve tried to get some proper answers from him but I honestly think he doesn’t know. He lost his Grandmother at the start of this year and she was by far his closest family member. His Mum lives abroad and is pretty distant emotionally as well as physically. His Dad left when he was 12 and he’s never seen him since and he’s an only child. The death of his Grandmother hit him very hard. At the end of the summer he resigned from his job, a job he’s had for 10 years and is not so much a job as a part of his very identity. It was very well paid but super high pressure and so when he resigned I was shocked but didn’t want to force him to stay. In hindsight him leaving the job he loved and had worked so hard for was a huge red flag. I suspect he has some issues with alcohol though he would be classed as a very high functioning alcoholic. He turned 40 this year and in short, I think he’s having a breakdown of sorts.

So as I say, I understand him needing a break (if that’s all it is) but I’m struggling to reconcile my loving husband who I’d be chatting rubbish to throughout the day, who’d be sending love you texts from work, who’d be there at the other end of the phone to someone who is now only really contacting me about the children. The house feels super empty without him.

That's understandable and I completely get how you feel. It's hard having that change in your routine and suddenly loosing the company of the only other adult in the house.
You need to try and do as much as you can to fill your time. It's good that you understand why he's doing what he's doing, but now you need to focus on yourself and getting through this. Stick to not contacting him if you can. This is something he needs to do alone and figure out for himself. If it keeps being you who reaches out then he won't be given the chance to know what it feel likes to miss you and your support. I'm a bit of a people pleaser and fixer so found it difficult to not contact and offer my help, but I soon realised that fixing himself meant me backing off and waiting for him to realise 'you don't know what you've got til it's gone'.
He is the one who's chosen to take time so I'd leave it to him to start the conversations. You need you're own boundaries though, he can't have his cake and eat it so don't allow yourself to be in the position for any longer than you can tolerate.

Fill up your days as much as possible, work, dog walks, visit friends, wonder round some shops....anything to get you out the house and kept busy. Find yourself a good boxset you can get stuck into in the evenings or a book, just something to keep you distracted from being alone. I think I spent a few weeks keeping out of the house in friends company as much as possible, then I suddenly hit a point where I couldn't be bothered and actually felt really happy being at home, enjoying my own company and doing things by my own schedule. Hopefully that feeling will come for you quickly!

You have absolutely got this and will make it through weather that ends up being alone or back with him. Just please make sure you set your own limits and stick to them. Yes he's entitled to some time away to get himself back into a good place mentally, but that doesn't mean you should have to sit around in limbo indefinitely. Set yourself a time limit, if he hasn't approached the hard conversations by that point then you have every right to say enough is enough.

Also should mention, his friend has a motor home which is where he is staying at the moment. Our boys are going to stay with him this weekend, my daughter wanted to stay with me. I find that unbelievably hard. The separation. I don’t want to be without any of my children and feel like it’s suddenly being forced on me but obviously, I can’t say no and the boys are actually very excited but I’ve been packing their bags, bawling on and off all day

Yes, it does get better. You'll be amazed at how much strength you have, but you need to take things slowly and don't expect too much from yourself. You're experiencing an enormous shock that he's left you to get on with it and the not speaking to you is cruel.

As is often said on here, ensure that you know everything that's going on financially, in the event that you don't reunite.

Do you have a close relationship with your own family to support you?

I have a big family who I know would rally round if needs be although geographically we are spread out all over the country. My Mum called me last night to talk about plans for visiting me in a few weeks time and I didn’t answer because I knew I’d cry and tell her everything. I ended up texting her saying my speaker was broken so we could just have a conversation over text. I can’t bring myself to tell any of them what’s happened yet because it doesn’t feel true. They also love him so I think it would be a huge shock that he’d moved out. The worst is the not knowing. I can’t be in limbo forever and I’ve told him that but equally I can’t see me ever moving on.

Great that the school are supportive- that's a really good step to take, so well done. They see things like this all the time so they know what to look out for.

That definitely sounds like a breakdown- has he been open with how much he's struggled this year or have you had to interpret his feelings? Does he have good friends he can be talking to now?

It sounds like no matter what has happened both of you need support. He needs to probably seek some professional help- if not therapy or counselling then a chat with a careers consultant sort of thing. And you need support from your circle while he gets his own help. Maybe after a period of this then marriage counselling will help- so you can support each other better and to help you heal from this.

He needs time, and the longer you have to wait like this- in limbo and with a lot of questions and thoughts- the more damage will be happening. Give him some time over the weekend, and approach him to ask for a chat. Even if that's 2 weeks away, you need to know there's a time set in stone where you can ask these questions and get a bit of clarity.

Can you and your daughter do something fun together? A pamper day, nice walk or drive somewhere, sleepover in the living room or a movie and pizza night? Just think of it as an opportunity to spend some 1:1 time with her. You just need to get through one day at a time, or one hour at a time

If he’s a functioning alcoholic he’s not a functioning one anymore. I would be very concerned about him having your two sons on his own while he is clearly distressed.
Often on these threads we hear that men are behaving like this because they have met someone else.
However, it does sound to me like your DH is going through some level of breakdown.
Talk to your mum, family, and loved ones. It’s important that they know.
While your DH has a right to see your children I am not sure how he gets to walk out of your home without giving you a proper explanation, cutting you out, and then expecting to play happy solo dad all weekend.
On his own in this way, I would also be worried his drinking is increasing. He may have been hiding this from you. Alcoholics who have been drinking a lot in secret will remove themselves when the drinking becomes more important than anything else.

Sorry if my post above sounded a bit harsh, OP!
It is not fair that he gets to move out and then has his own plan about when to see the children. No recognition at all for what you are all going through.
I have read many threads on here of MN posters who have got through it. But they all have said that those first few days/weeks are just plain heartbreaking.
It is like you have no agency. He wants to get counselling for himself and then you both as a couple.
While you are shell shocked now there might be a point at which you don’t want therapy with him.
What if you wanted some yourself?
You sound like such a kind person, and loving mum. Keep posting on here there are lots of lovely people who have been through the same.

Sorry hopefully this is replying to you! Thank you. I found a therapist that deals specifically with males and trauma and also addiction. I sent the link to my husband and was quite surprised when he sent me a screen shot of an appointment for next week. Whether he goes or not is another thing. I also feel like I definitely need to have an outlet which I guess is kind of why I started this thread. The feelings were bubbling up inside and I just had to get them out but just not to the ‘real world’ yet.
And re my daughter yes! She’s a total Mummy’s girl and would not entertain the notion of 2 nights without me haha! So she’s more than happy to have me all to herself and I’ve said it can be a ‘girls weekend’. I’m secretly very happy because if all of them went I think I would have spiralled missing them so much. Thank you for your advice xx

I’m not sure how to reply without quoting! Not harsh at all, sometimes tough talking is absolutely needed. You’ve completely articulated EVERYTHING I feel and have tried to say to him. It’s almost now like he gets to check out of family life, no nagging wife holding him accountable for things like drinking, still gets to be a Dad (but on his own terms).
I do agree with the children and have battled with it myself but ultimately, I’ve never done this before and I’m just trying to do what’s right by them. I don’t know what the right thing is but I’m really trying to take it one day at a time.
ps. Doesn’t mean that I didn’t ring my best friend the other night and call my husband every name under the sun and say I wouldn’t even let him SEE the children because I was SO MAD. But then I calm down and know the harm would be to THEM not me and I guess I’m holding out a hope he will find his way back to us.

Why do blokes always think they can walk away from their families and the mother will pick up the pieces.

I would tell him he can stay in the house with the kids and keep ut all going and I would move out for a bit.

Always the way isn’t it. Must be something to do with how much stronger (usually) the maternal instinct is vs paternal. I could never leave my children and even seeing them less is a bitter pill to swallow.
I will say one boundary I have put in place is that he can’t come to the house whilst this is sorted. A couple of times since he’s left he’s come to put the children to bed but then him leaving after and seeing his car drive away has completely floored me. So instead, we have arranged things around extra curriculars etc and every other weekend at his. Again, I have no idea if this is the right thing or not but I just didn’t think the emotion it brought out in me having him in the house was healthy.

A good friend of mine, not exactly the same scenario, but her partner has gone from functioning to literally being found in the gutter recently outside his family home.
He was driving around drunk for months and nobody realised it. Had his mum in the car. His kids in the car.
Only got found out when he crashed his car.
His mum paid for him to go to a private rehab. He started drinking on the day he left. He’s had help and guidance from therapists, AA support and sponsors, his own friends. He was a really accomplished guy as well.
Sadly, it’s just him and his mum now.
Alcoholics who are actively drinking are in denial. They will lie and deny even when it comes to very serious issues like driving their car drunk.
I don’t wish to alarm you too much but if you are dealing with someone with drinking issues, and they are on their own, they will be drinking more not less.
If you ask him, he will deny it.
But please just be aware.

(You did reply to me! You can always tag e.g. @Heja to reply directly)

Amazing, good for him for making the appointment. If he doesn't make it to the first appointment, he might manage a second. Let's hope he goes.
It's good to talk it out, even if it doesn't make sense- write it on paper and burn it if needed! Don't bottle anything up, and always reach out to your real life support if things get bad.
That's lovely, it'll be good for both of you to have some quality time together. I'm sure it could be arranged for you to have at least one child with you for the next few visits- they can take it in turn.

re: not having him at your home- definitely a good decision. You mentioned his alcohol issue, I'm assuming you believe he's safe to drive with the kids and look after them?

Maybe having your mum visit in a few weeks could be a good time to tell her, could she visit you soon-ish?

We're here for you and on your side xx

The booze is a worry. He is behaving like an irresponsible idiot. Why did he say he was quitting his job? Is he working now?

Well, after a series of stressful events he said he just couldn’t handle the stress anymore. He’s on gardening leave for 6 months and also been doing freelance work.

Hi Op I would tell everyone. You need the people that love you to help and support you. The “ shame” doesn’t exist anymore people know that relationships hit problems and you might be surprised by the support you will get x

Well I dropped the boys to him and although we’re cheery in front of them it’s like we’re strangers to each other. It’s constantly on my mind. Daughter was exhausted so is asleep and I’m just sat relaying things over and over. I want to ring him and beg him to come home and make things right. I want to scream at him for putting us all in this situation. I just don’t know how we got here. I’m taking one day at a time.

I can't imagine how you've managed to not scream at him!

You're doing really well, I hope you've had a good morning so far with your daughter.

Maybe when you collect your boys you could suggest a day to have a chat x

It’s heartbreaking reading you post @Heja. I’ve been where you are 12 years ago now.

Now ex husband left due to his ‘mental health’ and at the time I could have written your post. A few weeks later a third party told me that he’d been having an affair and had in fact left to be with OW. As difficult as it was to hear, suddenly the confusion of him leaving was gone and the clarity that brought about was wonderful after weeks of not understanding.

Im not for one moment suggesting this is true of your situation.

My advice is to take an hour at a time, a day at a time. When panic and awful thoughts set in, breath and take a moment.

Hold on to the fact that better days are ahead. You will receive wonderful support here.