Please tell me this gets better

[Heja]

Last week my husband of 15 years moved out after a very bad argument, saying he wanted a break. Since then he’s been quite cold and detached and not communicative at all.
For those who will say he’s having an affair…. He could well be and I’ve thought about it myself but I actually think he’s going through some kind of mental breakdown.
The problem is, despite having had a difficult year this still came completely out of the blue. Our relationship has always been fun and supportive and full of love. He’s my best friend. We have 3 young children together and my heart is breaking. He’s basically saying he wants to go to counselling (for himself) and then eventually for us. He says he needs a break and some space. He’s put a plan in place for seeing the children who absolutely adore him but other than that he won’t speak to me.
We have always been that couple that would be in contact a lot throughout the day, just texts and phone calls checking in, very loving. We’ve got a busy life with 3 kids and a dog and a big house to run that is very remote and I feel so abandoned and lonely. Sounds cliche but I can’t eat, can’t sleep, feel on the edge of a panic attack all the time. Desperately trying to keep it together for the children. Having to stop myself from texting him and asking why over and over. I’m beside myself.

I just need some help. Someone to listen to me who’s been in this situation. Tell me it gets better. Tell me I’ll get through this.

Just to add, don’t beg. When the urge sets in, turn your phone off and do something. It’s the worse thing you can do.

Thanks for your message. It’s been a really hard day. I woke up this morning and called him to speak to the boys, he didn’t answer just put them on straight away which just felt like another layer of coldness. They were having a great time, all talks of sweets and late night movies and pancakes for breakfast. Obviously I did the whole ‘pancakes! What a treat! to them on the phone but I’m ashamed to say I text him afterwards in a rather passive aggressive manner saying how nice it must be to be able to be ‘Disney Dad’ now that all his life pressures have seemingly gone. There was a bit of back and forth and I was very angry. I just feel so angry and hurt and sad and confused and feel sick at the thought of it all.
I did tell my parents though who were lovely and I just cried and cried down the phone. My Mum is going to come and see me next week.

I also weirdly feel like if he was having an affair it might be somehow easier (not to diminish anyone’s feelings who are going through affair territory) but just in the sense I’d almost have answers?
I popped into Morrisons and had to stop myself from crying at the sight of a giant babybell which is ridiculous! But I’ve only ever seen them in France and my husband loves them so of course I couldn’t help but think of all our lovely holidays in France and our wedding which was in France. Which then got me thinking about Christmas and illustrated the reason why I can literally only go one hour at a time at the moment..

I really feel for you I'm so sorry!

Has he given any indication as how long he thinks he's going to be away?

I ask because this is a really busy time of year & I think if my husband was hold up in a camper van while I was doing Santa visits, School Navities Christmas prep I'd be getting crosser by the day & seriously thinking about telling him to do one!

Selfish arse!

Has he spoken to the GP?
I know you said he had booked a counselling session which I suppose is a step forward

Yes I feel very angry. Life is busy anyway but like you say, extra busy right now and feeling overwhelming. My Mum and sister came to see me yesterday and we had a long walk and a good cry (all of us!) It’s hard because my Mum lives 3 hours away and my sister 2 but we’ve put some plans into place for the next month, or just to get to a Christmas really.
We’d also booked to go away for New Year, just somewhere in the UK we’ve been to a lot over the years, most recently this summer. It’s a place full of happy memories, I just don’t know what to do about that.

I also told my boss who was completely lovely understanding.

Also, I wonder if anyone has any thoughts on this….. My husband is not a social media user AT ALL yet I went on instagram today and he’d posted a picture of the boys from the weekend outside the cinema saying ‘quality time with my boys’ That’s thrown me a bit. Is he trying to prove he’s a good Dad?

Maybe 'but to who' would be my first question!

Glad you have put some plans in place & got some support from your family!

Nice easy Christmas for him though eh! Hunkering down in the camper van, posting pictures on insta of him being the Disney dad while you & your mum do the grunt work!

Social media - the post could have all sorts of thoughts behind it.
He’s buggered off to be in a mobile home so needs to show himself as a great dad?
If he was trying to sell himself as a cool single dad, I wouldn’t have thought that would be the post.
He could just be trying to show the world a certain face, but you never know what’s going on behind closed doors. That’s what social media can be about - showing a story to the world. He’s not going to add what his real
life is like.
It must be awful for you but I’m glad to hear you have such good support. It’s still early days as well.
As for the counselling that’s actually a positive, and actually if he goes or not is confidential between him and the therapist. But it’s easy to book and screenshot. He has to be prepared to do the work, too.
Out of you both, I think you would be the person who would show up and engage with a therapist.

Yes exactly and if I’m honest that’s probably what I’m struggling with the most in terms of seething ANGER! It’s like he’s left knowing he’s leaving behind a lesser version of me if you see what I mean? Tired, stressed, emotional. He’s always worked away and I have no family nearby (although lovely friends) so I’ve always had to run the show at home. The difference here I think is the communication, not being able to ring him and vent after a hard day. Not being able to take it all on knowing, in a few days home he’ll be here to help and take over a bit.
Also re the picture on instagram… like I said it’s just thrown me because he never posts. Seems painfully ironic talking about ‘quality time’ with his children when he’s walked out on them!

Well, funny you should say that, the therapist DID tell me that he’d had the first appointment (via zoom) and had booked and paid up front for 6 more sessions. I kind of thought he shouldn’t have told me that but he didn’t say anything about the content of the sessions obviously.

I’d see your GP. I did after separating from my ex and he was really helpful and gave me something for the anxiety and panic attacks (lorazepam). I also got some counselling which really helped as I had no one to discuss it with at the time.

He has abandoned you so what you are feeling is completely normal. Don’t go chasing him though.

Maybe start getting your ducks in a row and speak to a solicitor.

And make a claim for child maintenance.

@Heja I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through, this must be so incredibly bewildering and painful for you. You’ve had some good advice about looking after yourself - counselling & perhaps speaking to your GP for yourself.

You can analyse til the cows come home why he’s doing what he’s doing, but unless he’s honest with you, or more info comes to light from a third party, you’ll drive yourself mad trying to understand.

All you can do is look at what’s within your control and right now that’s managing your wellbeing, identifying what you want your boundaries to be (not facilitating his access to your house is a great start), and if I were you beginning to think about what you might want life to be like if he doesn’t return. I’d speak to a solicitor so you know where you stand - you don’t need to act on this info but it might give you a sense of control. You could think about minimising contact / going grey rock for your own wellbeing, and he might also get a chance to miss you.

If he wants space, give him space but in return you are also getting space. Use that time and your anger to your advantage, focus on your children, on your friends on your job (if you work), rather than focussing on him. Do things you enjoy doing for you - call in help and support from friends and relatives.

Even if he does return, your relationship might not survive so I would absolutely be getting my ducks in a row - preparing for the worst and hoping for the best.

You sound like an amazing, strong, kind and caring lady ❤️

Really good last few posts there OP!

You do sound very strong & capable & by the sound of it have been picking up the slack for a long time!

Do try & take some time for yourself - I know not easy with 3 kids & a dog but get support from your GP if you need it!

You sound awesome 💐

i think you're within your rights to ask him a few clear questions and set some clear expectations - even if it's just about timeframes.

i would ask him outright if he is trying to decide whether to stay part of the family or not.

i would say to him that he needs to set a timeframe by which he has made the decision one way or another.

i would be clear with him that while you have some sympathy with him, and that you understand he needs some time, you and the children also deserve to be considered.

i would also be tempted to say that leaving you all dangling with no information or explanation is causing hurt and anger, which is chipping away at your relationship and your respect for him, and that if he leaves it too long, there may not be anything left for him to come back to.

but the last part i acknowledge is a bit of an ultimatum, and that if he's really struggling, this may cause him to spiral more.

This happened to me OP back in spring when I was pregnant with our 3rd. We had a row and I stood up for myself and he went and still isn't home. He isn't well, has been drinking but is seeking help for this and having counselling. I've been through all the emotions you describe and try to understand it but can't really. Sadly I've left the door open all this time in the hope he will come back as I wouldn't forgive myself if he's genuinely poorly but I'm still not sure what will happen with it all. He has contact with the children for a few hours a week but in the meantime I've done most of my third pregnancy alone and thereafter. She's a few months old now and thriving.
I've also thought there would be some answers if OW turned up but this doesn't seem to be the case. Ultimatums never work with him and trying to talk so can understand your position on that too. It's horrible really. I still carry a little hope but I'm trying to concentrate on the children the best I can. I assume this is how things are going to be and if anything else happens that's a surprise I guess.
I hope you're ok. It's such a difficult place to be and I've no advice cos I feel like I'm drowning in the deep end myself but as someone else says focus on what you can control and the children and go from there x

The fact that he's actually booked and paid for therapy suggests that the reason for leaving might actually be his mental health rather than an affair but do not let your guard down looking for the other woman too. My XH left for 3 weeks because 'unhappy' and it turned out he was having a fling. They all use mental health as an excuse when they have met someone else.

How are you doing OP?

You poor thing
See men often have a "breakdown" which is true but in a lot of cases it is indeed caused by a third party ,the breakdown is a symptom of not coping doing the dirty and living two lives.
If only he could be honest with you then you could at least try to process everything mentally instead of being in limbo
I hope for your sake he mans up and speaks the whole truth

Funny how women rarely fuck off and leave their families when they have MH issues isn’t it?

I hope things work out for you OP, you sound very strong x

Hi I send my love to you. Your husband needs to go to counselling, deal with alcohol maybe go to rehab. He is an awful man just leaving you. I wonder are you considering divorce. He needs his bum kicking I reckon. You deserve a better life. You deserve a man who loves you. You deserve a man who does not drink. I am teetotal and when I was younger I would not go out with a man ever who was a drinker as it would not have fitted in with my life. I cannot be doing with drunks. They are likely to get really ill with it I think so it would not be for me. I can visit a pub but they are not my favourite of places. I send you hugs all around you.

I know of a husband & father (via a friend’s Family member) who was having mental health issues / depression and moved out of the family home as he needed a break including from the young kids. He eventually got better and they are all happy again. Must be hard but just wanted to share a story with a positive outcome.

Hi Op, hope you're doing ok. Can you engage a private detective? If there is an OW I think you'd have your answer in a couple of days. Likewise if his drinking has spiralled. It seems a strange scenario him living in a camper van in the freezing cold when he has a comfortable home and once the novelty has worn off you'd think he'd want to come back. I'd want answers as to what he's doing as the instagram post sounds odd - possibly trying to prove to someone that he's operating as a single dad now.

I think you're doing an amazing job of keeping things busy and normal for the children. Please don't let your happiness depend entirely on him - find some joy in other things.

I wonder is anger a theme in the marriage as part of terrible communication?

If you read just your posts there are loads of examples- and then fibbing to you Mum about the speaker on the phone? You use words like angry screaming venting a lot. Where is your Calm?

I also question where are your boundaries in this? Why are you not considering ending the relationship- alcohol, tempers, him moving out? Surely your life is more peaceful now?

I keep picking up the phone to text/call him and have to put it down and walk away. It’s so hard

I can imagine myself doing that and that is similar to bereavement at that early stage where you still sometimes forget. It’s painful.

Do you think it might help to jot down what you would say if you could call or text him? Just getting it out of your head and into a notebook might stop your thoughts circling for a little while.