Don't know how to handle this

[Velaris77]

Here's a bit of background. Six months ago I divorced my abusive ex. for the last 2 to 3 years, I've been doing a lot of work on myself and boundaries and self-esteem. I finally got myself to a point where I felt able to move forward and get on dating apps. I met a guy who made me laugh like no one has ever made me laugh before. We spoke for a few weeks and then we went on a date and it went really well. Fast forward to 2 months later and we have had several dates and have become physical.

Because we have slept together and because he was having some emotional issues that I was helping him with, we have become closer and I was trying to work out how to ask if we were exclusive. I wasn't seeing anyone else and neither was he but we hadn't had that official discussion to make sure . I tried to bring it up but he would joke it away or take the mickey a little about me needing a labelling machine (he jokes about a lot). Anyway. I have spent a lot of time helping him with his anxieties and I was becoming very invested so I manned up and asked him about exclusivity last night. It went really well and we both agreed that we didn't want to see anybody else. he is very down on himself and says constantly that he's not attractive. He feels he has a good personality but that he is not attractive in the slightest. I disagree! I find him very attractive and was trying to get that point across to him.. he doesn't take compliments easily at all and kept telling me I don't have to appease him. So in a text I said he should stop putting himself down and that my opinion should count. I said that I'm not an unattractive person and get offers and I chose him (I meant that when people have asked if I'm single now, I've said no and that I was seeing someone).. I was trying to say that I CHOOSE him not that I'm saddled with him which is what he was implying.

He got Incredibly and instantly upset, told me that I must be making myself available, became 100% defensive and has refused to speak or text me since . I have explained on text but not sure if he's read it. I feel sick to my stomach. I really really like this guy. I should have worded it better for sure but his reaction was pretty emotionally intense and he's cut me off completely. I'm utterly gutted. What do I do? Please don't bash me, can't take it right now x

He sounds like hard work to me ,I don't think I could put up with this drama, but I am sorry you are upset.
I think it's his loss .

@Velaris77 I think you have dodged a bullet there. Please don't fret over him. He accuses you of making yourself available (🙄) and getting all defensive and refusing to speak is highly dubious behaviour and doesn't bode well.

Lovely, when you first start dating someone you shouldn't be 'helping them with their anxieties and emotional issues'. This is a really wrong dynamic. A man who starts offloading his mental health struggles on a woman he has recently started dating is a massive red flag. It means he's using you as a 'fix' for his problems and seeking a woman to be the solution rather than getting therapy. He's probably done this with many other women he's dated before. The reason this is so unhealthy is for the reason you're just discovering. When you do something 'wrong' (ie have your own needs, opinions or just don't make him feel happy and reassured) you get punished. He's viewing you as his problem fixer and you'll never be allowed to have problems of your own.
Be very very careful with this man.

You were being honest with him and then backed up what you were trying to say with more reassuring words - what else were you supposed to do. Maybe he's got issues, you can't afford to throw away all the hard work you've done on yourself for the sake of someone else, again. Leave it uoto him.

Thanks for replying. I feel so disappointed and am kicking myself for saying anything.. I know the text sounded wrong. But @TheSilkWorm you're right, as wonderful as the time is we've spent together, he does have issues that I've been trying to help
him with (health anxiety, food intolerances, feeling low with work). I think I'm one of those people who like to help and fix people, but maybe I've gone a bit far. I've been falling for him. And now he's literally ignoring me. I'm not sure how to play this. I totally get the maybe I should be playing anything and that I should walk away. But I care about him and I'm really struggling badly x

I mean maybe I shouldn't be trying to play this a certain way. So hard though x

I was trying to be. It maybe came out wrong. But his reaction was instant and 100% 180 degree turn. It's definitely triggered him badly. We only agreed to be exclusive last night (even though I get the impression he's assumed we were anyway, although he also didn't seem to want to label anything when I've brought it up tentatively), so I'm not massively sure why other people asking me out is such a massive issue, especially seeing as I was very very clear that I didn't go on any other dates etc.. I'm so confused. What do I do? Nothing? I'm not good at waiting when there's tension x

What do you do? Block and move on.

I don't think you're ready for dating if you think this is OK. All the hard work will be erased by his insecurities.

Much as it may hurt, you need to let this one go. He has loads of issues that you are helping him with....he will probably carry on these issues and you will always he helping him with one crisis or another until it drains you. It is very flattering at first to think you are making a difference to someone but eventually you end up being their prop and its all about them.
Leave him to it and see what happens.

Thanks. I don't think I'm ready to block, but yes I do think I need to leave it for a bit. I'm itching to text again. His reaction has triggered me because I detest going to bed on an argument and not knowing what the score is. Maybe it's that I spent so long feeling controlled by ex H that feeling not in control of communication (in that he's choosing to ignore me) is a struggle for me. I do think I'm ready for dating, but yes I think I'm still working through my own insecurities. It's so hard because I felt like I was falling for him x

All sorts of red flags here op.

The labelling machine comment for starters.

You were uncertain of where you stood with him at the beginning and now here you are again.

He’s not in a good place emotionally to be involved in a serious relationship if you have to spend a lot of time helping him with his anxieties.

And now he’s chosen to deal with a misunderstanding by blanking you.

What a twonk, it sounds like only his feelings matter!

Believe me op, this is not someone you need in your life.

You don’t need the drama.

In a healthy, equal relationship, you don’t feel constantly anxious or confused. You are able to communicate openly. And one person isn’t manipulated so they are constantly chasing the other,

Play him at his own game op. He has literally told you who he is. Believe him.

Block him and wave goodbye.

(You should do this anyway even if you want him back as men like this thrive on feeling “special” and being chased. They like the control. So do the opposite.)

Honestly op, I would give him a swerve. You’ve done the work on yourself and he hasn’t. You want to feel safe and relaxed in a relationship and this man is making you feel the opposite.

You want a man who has good self esteem, is competent and undramatic, open, kind, and appreciates you.

Besides which, do you really want to go out with someone who, after you have spent a lot of time helping them, (deliberately?) misconstrues your intentions as being malign?

You don’t need that honestly . Where is your anger? He is choosing to misinterpret your words op, Ask yourself why!

I also think you should block and move on.

Really, you won your freedom from your ex- for this? This nonsense should be completely unacceptable to you. No amount of laughing would make up for this.

In terms of the whole “are we exclusive”/ what’s the label question. It shouldn’t be that difficult, in a transparent relationship you would have known from the start.

The first 12-18 months of a relationship should be dating, having new experiences, ripping each other's clothes off! It should be fun.
This does not sound fun, you sound like his mother, he is a person with low self esteem you will end up walking on egg shells not to offend him and constantly being his cheerleader while getting zero emotional support yourself. It's these types of relationships that have the potential to become abusive, he may feel insecure when you see friends, wear certain outfits etc.
He needs therapy and to work on him self before he starts dating again and you need to think about what you want in a relationship and why you are settling for this.

He's not the Beast and you are not Belle. You can't fix him or love his issues out. It shouldn't be this hard 6 months in.

If you stay , you'll have a lifetime of always being on the back foot, apologising and pandering and being his emotional punching bag. You should want better than that. You deserve better than that.

Thanks.. yes I think the exclusive thing was a bit weird in that I knew he wasn't seeing anyone else but didn't know what his intentions were. I wanted to bring up where he saw us going as I was becoming invested and we were really physical. It had been over 2 months so I figured I should know his basic intentions for us and whether he would see us as just tipping along forever like we were, or if he was hoping we would build on it. I made it clear it was early for promises and guarantees, but that I wanted to know his basic intentions. That's what led to the exclusivity angle I guess. I thought he was only for me but I didn't know for sure and wanted to clarify that before I fall deeper in. But I guess I got my answer last night. I'm just shocked

Also…sorry op… I know I am ranting a bit but this sort of behaviour in men makes me so angry.

If you were my daughter I’d be asking “why does he get to decide and dictate the nature and pace of a relationship? Do you not have an opinion, a voice and an equal say?”

You sound like a lovely, kind, empathetic person and you deserve better 💐

Read the other thread in relatioships atm.

A woman left feeling heartbroken bc a man can’t or won’t commit. He cites mh issues. But really he just wanted freedom to shag other women.

I’m sorry but your bloke sounds like a cleverer, more evolved version of this.

Thanks @Redvelvetarmchair77 do you think he's self sabotaging? Thanks for your reply.

@autienotnoughty @BlueSilverCats
"Love his issues out". I guess that's what I'm trying to do isn't it. Maybe I'm still a bit broken myself. Why do I care about him so much? Urgh. I've spent so long trying to get here and was so excited about him and us. But it shouldn't be this tough should it...

This is another abusive man I'm afraid. Just in a more insidious form to your ex. He has already got you caught up in knots, worried about saying things. It all me, myself and I with him.
You need to do more work on yourself OP. You need to get to a point where you are only looking for a man to compliment your life not to complete it.

Focus on friends, hobbies, having fun first.

He's a manipulative man and you need to see that. Step away from him. No need for the drama of blocking him, just plan lots of social stuff with friends and family and be too busy to see him for the next few weeks.

Flipping heck. What a massive knob. All that energy being poured into someone else. Bleurghh. Tell me again how gorgeous I am. Jeez. You do not need a project, find the completed version. Please move on.

This x1000.

You are not a rehab centre for broken men.

You deserve an equal relationship with a man who is ready to be in a relationship. Things just shouldn't be this hard work!!

Bloody hell OP.

He sounds so exhausting I need a nap reading this.

How has this pathetic neediness not given you the ICK?!?

He's insecure and gives you the silent treatment. He doesn’t make you feel secure. It’s been two bloody months and you’re “helping him work on some issues”.

FUCK SAKE OP. This is the BEST it will ever be. You need to ditch this one immediately, get a grip and - said with love - recognise an future abuser. Don’t repeat patterns. Please.

DO NOT GET DRAGGED BACK IN. No adult reacts to a text like that, it wasn’t poorly worded it was cute. Don’t be made to feel YOU need to change because he’s a fucking snowflake.

Goddammit I’m so annoyed for you. DM me his number, I want to rage troll this manipulative manchild shitbag. 😂 (Not really…but kinda…)

At two months you should be in honey moon phase - if he can do this now what on earth would he be like when you have a more established relationship.
He’s too emotionally unstable - sorry for him but you need to put yourself first.

Walk away. Don’t keep begging him to understand what you meant. He knew. He’s doing this deliberately to knock you down after the exclusive chat that didn’t want to have.

You can’t fix this type of man.
He’ll make you miserable.
A life of walking on eggshells, silent treatment, other punishments for non-existent wrongs, evasiveness and insecurity await if you stay with him.

Have some more counselling/therapy.

Should have been easy to ask if you were exclusive. It wasn’t because you already know you have to tip toe around with him. Plenty of red flags you should have noticed so you need more time away from relationships.

It’s only been a few weeks. Leave while it’s easy.

💐

Someone who uses the silent treatment or withdraws after a minor miscommunication isn't in a good place to date. He's just shown you how he will react in future, when discussions or arguments don't go his way.

Don't chase after him trying to 'explain', wait it out and when he comes he comes back, calmly tell him that you won't date someone who can't communicate in an adult way and then let him go.