Don't know how to handle this

[Velaris77]

Here's a bit of background. Six months ago I divorced my abusive ex. for the last 2 to 3 years, I've been doing a lot of work on myself and boundaries and self-esteem. I finally got myself to a point where I felt able to move forward and get on dating apps. I met a guy who made me laugh like no one has ever made me laugh before. We spoke for a few weeks and then we went on a date and it went really well. Fast forward to 2 months later and we have had several dates and have become physical.

Because we have slept together and because he was having some emotional issues that I was helping him with, we have become closer and I was trying to work out how to ask if we were exclusive. I wasn't seeing anyone else and neither was he but we hadn't had that official discussion to make sure . I tried to bring it up but he would joke it away or take the mickey a little about me needing a labelling machine (he jokes about a lot). Anyway. I have spent a lot of time helping him with his anxieties and I was becoming very invested so I manned up and asked him about exclusivity last night. It went really well and we both agreed that we didn't want to see anybody else. he is very down on himself and says constantly that he's not attractive. He feels he has a good personality but that he is not attractive in the slightest. I disagree! I find him very attractive and was trying to get that point across to him.. he doesn't take compliments easily at all and kept telling me I don't have to appease him. So in a text I said he should stop putting himself down and that my opinion should count. I said that I'm not an unattractive person and get offers and I chose him (I meant that when people have asked if I'm single now, I've said no and that I was seeing someone).. I was trying to say that I CHOOSE him not that I'm saddled with him which is what he was implying.

He got Incredibly and instantly upset, told me that I must be making myself available, became 100% defensive and has refused to speak or text me since . I have explained on text but not sure if he's read it. I feel sick to my stomach. I really really like this guy. I should have worded it better for sure but his reaction was pretty emotionally intense and he's cut me off completely. I'm utterly gutted. What do I do? Please don't bash me, can't take it right now x

FFS no! Just NO!

Get rid, block, you DO NOT need to put up with games and shite from a needy, pain in the arse bloke.
It’s me, me me with him on top of him being fucking offensive and down right wrong for making such a HUGE red flag comment.

Cannot believe you are wasting even 2 seconds on this.
You can’t fix, you won’t fix, you do not need to fix such a drain on your emotional time!

Have some self respect and move on.

Please don’t text him again. And if he texts you back it was a strategy of his in the first place. He’s left you hanging and yearning (probably “punishing” you in his head). Next he will be calling out all your “faults” and how he needs to “fix” you..

He sounds insecure and a burden. You move on.

A new relationship should not be this deep, difficult or distressing. New relationships are supposed to be fun. Why on earth would you want to saddle yourself with a bloke with this many issues this early on?

In a way I can see why he’s upset by what you wrote, just to put a different perspective.

I totally understand the sentiment behind it, but you basically said you were really attractive, yet still chose him. I can see how someone might take that as a backhanded compliment?

edited to add that I totally agree that relationships, especially new ones, shouldn’t be this hard.

You are in the honeymoon period and it shouldn’t be such hard work. Honestly, you sound lovely but you can’t fix him. Walk away.

This is an abusive man and you are in an abusive relationship.

He has found the perfect woman for him to abuse. What you've seen so far is just the tip of the iceberg.

Walk away now. Learn from the experience and don't repeat it with another person.

He is NOT good for you. Read that last sentence again. If you choose to continue with him you will be inviting misery and hurt. You have a choice. Choose you.

Thanks. I think I'm that person that when something goes wrong I instantly jump to "what could I have done different". Totally get how my text might have come across which is why I'm beating myself up. But I have done some good work on myself (still ways to go but getting there) and I do want to get better at setting boundaries. Would love counselling but can't afford it and keeping every penny for solicitors and what now looks like a court battle for the divorce :(

I just thought I'd found an emotionally open nice guy. Which would have been refreshing. But I think I'm still maybe not seeing things properly yet. Maybe need to do a lot more work on my self esteem

I don’t think he is self-sabotaging, no. I think he likes to be in control and keep you guessing.

And even if he is self-sabotaging in a more genuine way, bluntly it’s not your job to find that out or help him to work on it. He is a grown man who is responsible for his own feelings and actions.

Were you “parentified” as a child by any chance op?

Op, you obviously had hopes for this relationship and feelings for this man, so what people are saying here is hard to stomach. And we only know what you have written about him, he may have many more good qualities than described. And no one is perfect.

But I am interested in why you don’t feel you deserve better than this? Because in a way that lies at the heart of your reaction to this.

You are a good person op, with good intentions, and you are attractive. You have offers. You are empathetic and think of the feelings of others. I would maybe try and be kinder and more empathetic towards yourself and go and find someone who is straight forward and kind and doesn’t need a woman to help them live and then resent them for needing that help!

Go and get a decent uncomplicated bloke who knows how to love in an unselfish mature way.

In your shoes op, I would be thoroughly pissed off with this other bloke for reacting like a child after I had spent a lot of time helping him! I just wouldn’t have any patience for it.

Good luck 💐

If you can’t have a normal, open conversation without him flipping out then it’s never going to work long term. Never be with someone you have to tiptoe around. I’d block him.

Honestly, there was nothing wrong with your text!

This is a massive 🚩 red flag.
He sounds potentially abusive OP.

Do you have a tendancy to be a people pleaser/Rescuer?

To an outsider looking in, this relationship doesn’t sound like one that is going to to keep you happy going forward. He sounds like hard work already and that shouldn’t be the case so soon.

Personally I’d be looking at moving on due to his reaction alone. There will be more issues with him. There always are.

You've dodged a bullet. Never, ever go into a relationship with a "fixer-upper".

Just wanted to add; the fact that his immediate thought was “you must be making yourself available” would be a complete turn off for me and would have me running for the exit.

This is the problem you had that nice first bit where you connected and laughed. It feels amazing but That wasn't the reality of who this person is. You won't get that back again or if you do it will go again.

In a healthy relationship you also have that initial connection and fun but the difference is when you face problems or challenges (in life) you are met with support . If there's issues in the relationship you work through them with communication and respect. This man isn't capable of that and if you stay with him your relationship will be based on you fixing him and at the same time not getting it right.

Do some reading up on early warning signs of an unhealthy relationship.

It's so much harder to spot when you are in it, Especially when you are the type to want to help others and make them happy.

It sounds like he is punishing you by refusing to speak to you or text you, perhaps he will come back to you soon... will you be so grateful that you let it all go. I wonder if this is another abusive man?

I honestly don’t think after a couple of months of dating it should be this hard. It should be fun, carefree, not full of angst. It should also not be you helping him with his anxiety, emotional issues, etc. It’s not your job to help him.

Best thing to do would be to block him and move on. You must know this deep down, even though you don’t want to do it.

Do you have an employee assistance program with your employer? If so, you might be able to get some counselling there?

You are too good for this man.

He is not self sabotaging, he is punishing you. He knows full well that anger followed by silent treatment is a way to get people to change their responses to him. If you continue with this relationship, you are just setting yourself up with a new form of abuse. Please instill some boundaries, so when he comes back yo check if you are suitably contrite, he will find himself blocked instead.

You are walking with eyes wide shut into another abusive relationship @Velaris77 .
He's a needy pain in the arse.
You can't 'heal' him, and he will end up controlling you- and very likely he will be unfaithful and cruel down the track.

Be glad he has shown you who he is early on.

Do not go back to this man.

You've put so much work into yourself over recent years. But it's not your job to help someone else work on themselves.
He doesn't sound like he's ready for an emotionally mature relationship right now unfortunately. I can't see this ending well...

I predict he wants you to chase him and beg for forgiveness. And then if he gets back together with you he will use this as an example as to why he gets to treat you like shit (because you wounded him unforgivably).
These type of men need a combination of a nurturing 24 hour mother figure combined with an emotional punching bag. So they will string you along with a handful of good times and then when they feel like lashing out they will make it seem like your fault so you won’t leave.
They actually run a really tight ship tbh so hats off to them for their finely tuned manipulative techniques, but you don’t want be involved in that.

Being emotionally open is only a good thing when he's also able to regulate his own emotions.
He seems like he keeps vomiting his emotions and needs all over you, dumping them on you and expecting you to manage and fix them.
The acceptable way to handle this would have been for him to recognise that your comment had made him insecure without blowing up at you, sharing his insecurity in a calm manner and asking for clarification, and then accepting the clarification that you've given him. He needs to recognise that his insecurity comes from within and isn't being done to him by anyone's actions. So he shouldn't be putting the burden of dealing with those insecurities on anyone else.

I know you've gotten attached. But please be aware that attachment isn't a good factor to judge someone on. His behaviour is showing you right now what kind of partner he's going to be if you do manage to restore contact. He's going to make you walk on eggshells, because everything you say could trigger some emotional response from him.

I knew this would be a disaster as soon as I read this:

and because he was having some emotional issues that I was helping him with

Walk away. You do not need this in your life. You are not unreasonable fo wanting the things you want from a relationship.

@Redvelvetarmchair77
Brilliant piece of advice. Word for word👏

If you aren't going to Block OP, get ready for his frantic back-peddling..

Just to add to this because I do get the point @Apolloneuro makes, but a normal reaction would be a joke like “oooh think a lot of yourself dontcha?” Or to LOW LEVEL call you out and say “I know you probably meant well but what I received from that message was this”.

Blocking/ignoring you for something so silly is a huge red flag.

Blimey, you are not his therapist. You do NOT want to have an insecure, manipulative bf, looking for compliments & sulking when he doesn't hear what he likes (& as you say you haven't really got shot of your husband.)
You are not just a crutch, you shouldn't need to fix anybody.
Don't run after him..