Don't know how to handle this

[Velaris77]

Here's a bit of background. Six months ago I divorced my abusive ex. for the last 2 to 3 years, I've been doing a lot of work on myself and boundaries and self-esteem. I finally got myself to a point where I felt able to move forward and get on dating apps. I met a guy who made me laugh like no one has ever made me laugh before. We spoke for a few weeks and then we went on a date and it went really well. Fast forward to 2 months later and we have had several dates and have become physical.

Because we have slept together and because he was having some emotional issues that I was helping him with, we have become closer and I was trying to work out how to ask if we were exclusive. I wasn't seeing anyone else and neither was he but we hadn't had that official discussion to make sure . I tried to bring it up but he would joke it away or take the mickey a little about me needing a labelling machine (he jokes about a lot). Anyway. I have spent a lot of time helping him with his anxieties and I was becoming very invested so I manned up and asked him about exclusivity last night. It went really well and we both agreed that we didn't want to see anybody else. he is very down on himself and says constantly that he's not attractive. He feels he has a good personality but that he is not attractive in the slightest. I disagree! I find him very attractive and was trying to get that point across to him.. he doesn't take compliments easily at all and kept telling me I don't have to appease him. So in a text I said he should stop putting himself down and that my opinion should count. I said that I'm not an unattractive person and get offers and I chose him (I meant that when people have asked if I'm single now, I've said no and that I was seeing someone).. I was trying to say that I CHOOSE him not that I'm saddled with him which is what he was implying.

He got Incredibly and instantly upset, told me that I must be making myself available, became 100% defensive and has refused to speak or text me since . I have explained on text but not sure if he's read it. I feel sick to my stomach. I really really like this guy. I should have worded it better for sure but his reaction was pretty emotionally intense and he's cut me off completely. I'm utterly gutted. What do I do? Please don't bash me, can't take it right now x

Beyond perfect post. 🙏🏼

if he is like this during the early days of your relationship when he is presenting his ‘best self’ what is he going to turn in to later on?

Do you need such drama in your life right now when you need to focus on your children and yourself so soon after your divorce?

Do you want a life partner, or a project?

When you have been where you have been, experienced what you have experienced , you surely do not want to go back into a deep dark hole full of dog shit. It takes so long to get rid of that stench.

Zero tolerance for other people’s shite needs to be your mantra!

He’s rubbing his hands together having met you! You are an abusers bloody dream, and make no mistake, this one is an abuser just disguised as funny.

Please please listen to the overwhelming good advice from others on here, 100% of answers are telling you to run and block.

Manipulative behaviour OP. He’ll come back all lovely and then strop again and that’s what your cycle will be. You say you’ve come out of an abusive relationship and you’re sleepwalking straight into another…..please see it and run.

This x1000.

Six months after divorce seems quite soon to date. Maybe take a break from seeking relationships and explore counseling.

With the best will in the world, starting a new relationship where you are somebody’s therapist and cheerleader is exhausting.
You have got yourself away from an abusive relationship and have done a lot of work on yourself but it still makes you vulnerable.
From what I can see, here is a man who finds himself unattractive and meets a very attractive woman who he then jokes about being exclusive with. That’s not right.
There has to be a space for you here, and it seems to be all about him.
He clearly has deep-seated issues and no matter how drawn you are to him, if this behaviour continues it will damage you all over again.
He has already upset you when you have done absolutely nothing wrong. I would see that text as a huge red flag. It is not a good start at all.
I know it’s really hard when you feel you have found someone. He may make you laugh but he clearly has some problems which are going to unsettle you.
If he is like this now, what will he be like in a few months?
After all you have been through, don’t open yourself up to more pain. A man who cares for you would never speak to you like that.

Your text wasn't wrong. He just not that into you. Investing more than a man into a relationship- devalues you. On a positive side, you dodged the bullet. He isn't nice as you think he is. If you want him to regret dumping you - move on and live your life to the full.

OP it’s been 2 months!!!

If it’s this difficult now, it’s not going to get any easier in 6 months time or more.

You are just wasting time on someone who you’re not compatible with.

Tell him it’s not working and get back on the dating sites.

You have to be very choosy with the men you’re dating.
You had an abusive ex and you don’t want to go down that road again.

This man is covered in red flags and it’s only been 2 months but you can’t seem to see it, which is really concerning.

You also need to be careful because some men will be fake at first and so just keep your guard up and keep an eye out for red flags.

I don't think you will ever be able to do right with this man.

He sounds very hard work. And rude too.

It's not your job to fix him.

Please find someone with whom you can have lots of fun.

Sounds to me like he's regretting the exclusive bit and looking for an excuse to cool that off and tell you he needs to take it slow now, after what you did.

You did nothing. Block him.

A court battle over the divorce? Are you not actually divorced yet?

I agree with everyone here and have been in a similar situation.

Have you done the Freedom Programme? I recommend reading Why Does He Do That? By Lundy Bancroft.

You're not ready to date and have walked into another abusive relationship.

I hope you take the advice on here. You deserve better.

I know it’s upsetting now, but trust me-this man will not make you happy. If it’s like this after a couple of months, what will it be like after a couple of years? Cut your losses.

He'll never change and will ALWAYS be hard work. I'm divorcing an emotional vampire of a husband like this man. Run while you can.

You deserve someone who treats you well and is making an effort to impress you . There are so many red flags here .
You are at the very early stage of your relationship and whilst no one is perfect and we all have some level of issues / hang ups - his are off the scale . He should not be so emotionally dependent on you for support at this stage . His ignoring you as well is not healthy .

The conversation you had about exclusivity is a standard and normal one at your stage . His response was not a normal / standard one .

I know you have feelings for him but I do think you need to put yourself first and find someone else who will treat you with love and respect . I am not sure that your level of emotional investment at this stage and the prioritising of his needs at the expense of your own is at all healthy for you . Please work on your own self worth and what you need going forward in a relationship . You seem like such a lovely kind and thoughtful person who deserves the best . Take care .

I’m not bashing you but urge you to pause and have a consider something I’ve been pondering lately. I’m beginning to think people who say they are unattractive may seem self-deprecating, humble. But they’re actually very shallow. They have a set idea of what attractiveness is and that’s often based on the air-brushed media driven standard. They are not much different to a vain person who believes they are attractive except they want their opinion of themselves to be challenged with constant compliments and validation.

Also that low opinion of themselves often extends to the people they date. Some may go for people they believe are out of their league but because of their low confidence they tend to go for people who are similar to them in what they believe is attractiveness.

What does that say about his opinion of you? As his reaction to you trying to explain that you have opinions, other men find you attractive, was so hostile, perhaps he was surprised to hear that you are attractive to other men. It’s a bit insulting really, isn’t it?

You can’t fix his views on attractiveness but I think you can find someone who doesn’t need any fixing at all.

WOMEN 👏 ARE 👏 NOT👏THERAPISTS👏 FOR 👏 NEEDY 👏MEN 👏 WITH 👏 ISSUES 👏

OP, you sound lovely and you deserve someone who treats you beautifully, not spews their insecurities and anxieties all over you. People are on their best behaviour at the beginning of a new relationship. This is him at his best - self absorbed, low mood, and thinks the silent treatment is a good way to treat someone special. By 6 months that will be 80% of your relationship. You are not a therapist and even if you were, you wouldn’t want to be practicing it on a boyfriend.

You're not ready to date in a healthy way yet. It takes years (5 years off an abusive marriage here and I still get attached to people I shouldn't, sometimes). Keep working on it. Self help books and journalling are cheap options and helped me a lot.

I agree. His loss, not yours OP.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

You've gone from one abusive relationship into yet another; a not uncommon scenario sadly and in addition you have only been divorced a mere six months. Your boundaries here, already skewed by previous abuse, are being steadily and further trashed by this man now.

Love your own self for a change. Do read Women who love too much by Dr Robin Norwood. I would also suggest you enrol yourself onto the Freedom programme if you have not already done this and repeat it if you have.

Women are not rehab centres for badly raised men. You've been both his rehab centre and saviour/rescuer combined here. Being such in a relationship never works as you are seeing and after a few weeks.

You also minimised and likely simply did not recognise the red flags re him here i.e you helping him with his anxieties and emotional issues, you speaking for a few weeks before finally meeting each other (it builds up a false image in your head), he calling you a labelling machine, the silent treatment for your supposed transgressions, his quick attachment and other love bombing and mirroring behaviours.

I would also urge you to block him and now before he potentially escalates. He is bad news all round.

This. So many red flags in the one sentence. Firstly he knows it isn’t true because she’s been asking about exclusivity. So it’s done to put her in her place. Suggesting she’s been sleeping around. Make her confused and beg him to listen to her explanation. He’ll be using it as an excuse to check her phone when she inevitably is sucked back in. Then it will be what she’s wearing. It will be never ending.

OP - any normal balanced person would have laughed at what you said along the lines ‘ooo having lots of offers are you?? Well thanks for picking me. Looks like I need to up my game’ or something like that. The fact he went straight to ‘you’ve been putting it about’ or words to that effect says so much about him and his attitude to women.

He's manipulating you, do yourself a favour and block now so there will be no more dramas, no going back and take up the offer of the next man that asks you out,