Whats the best/diplomatic/kind yet firm answer to this manipulation?

[lovenotwar149]

I have been asked to bake a cake for a relative's b'day. It's a big milestone b'day btw. Short back story....
In line with FIRM boundaries for over 2 yrs now, they know I wont come to this event. I have maintained low contact for a year with them now, after no contact before this.Things are civil, certain topics will not be discussed with me anymore, they know this and don't go there anymore.
This request is a manipulation, and I am proud of myself to be able to see that clearly now with no ill feeling towards this person for asking this of me. Its not a surprise! (Wow,the progress is showing in myself!)
I want to remain civil, this person does not like NO ....at all.
What's the best answer ppl? I'm not making the cake fyi.

A simple no. That way there is no opportunity for them to try and manipulate you if you make an e cause.

If that feels a bit too uncomfortable then you could try "I am not able to go that, but I do recommend x and y bakeries."

Both ways it's a clear hard and firm no.

Apologies for typos.....on my phone and I can't edit

I have been asked to bake a cake
By whom? The NC / LC person or somebody else.

Yes , the LC person asked this of me.

‘I (really) appreciate you asking me about it but I won’t be able to bake the cake. However, I’ve heard xyz is a great baker, would you like me to send you their number/link to insta profile?’

TheCountessofLocksley

"I am not able to go that, but I do recommend x and y bakeries."

This is good, thx

"No, I won't be able to do that. M&S sells nice cakes, perhaps try there?"

dontbeabsurd ·
‘I (really) appreciate you .......

Yes , yes this is a v gd way to start...thank you ppl thank u

With the ....'M & S do really nice cakes' etc ,I think she'll come back with ...'there not as nice as yours etc...so prob best to leave that out

But do you appreciate them asking? Surely asking is part of the manipulation. They’ll likely take niceness as weakness.
In line with your newly discovered boundaries (well done on staying firm) I’d go just go with @TheCountessofLocksley message as above.

You know when you tell this kind of person ...'I am not able to...',they seem to come back with 'why aren't you able to?' (nowadays this is lessening though)
Guess if that happens I can just ignore that msg

DowntonCrabby

Good point. I dont appreciate them asking, Its a clear manipulation , but it still might be a gd idea to start with that...perhaps!?

Be polite by all means but no matter how perfectly worded your response their reaction is out of your control. This cake is just their opportunity to interact with you again so it won't go down well when you turn it down. How tiresome for you.

As others have said, the classic is to 'solve' the problem for them i.e. deflect to other bakers. Otherwise, there is a slightly blunter "I can't / won't / shan't <delete as applicable> be making a cake. I suggest that you make alternative arrangements to avoid disappointment." And let others know what you said so that it can't be twisted or distorted (people always believe the first version of a story).

HamSandwichKiller

You've hit it on the nail. Its one of those damned if u do, damned if u dont.Hence why I am LC with them now

I feel for you, it’s a tough situation. Whatever you go with I wouldn’t respond at all to any follow up. Be firm, clear and polite that you won’t be doing it and don’t feel you need to justify why.

Goodness, just say you haven't got time.
If they persist, just ignore them.

The thing with being LC is that you don't have to provide explanations and thus you don't have to be sucked into conversations.

So what if this person doesn't like "no"? The next step is to free yourself from caring what they think, from pre-empting their emotional reaction, from all of this taking up your headspace. What are they going to do - throw a text message hissy fit? Mute it. Call you up and yell? Don't answer. Give you the silent treatment? Sounds like a win to me.

Say no and get on with the nice life you have away from them.

Yes, “I’m not able to…” is much softer and more gentle than a flat “no”.
If the “why not “ question comes I think silence rather than an excuse is its own answer.
well done for not allowing them to manipulate you! 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

The more you apologise and justify the more they will enjoy the interaction and the more you will get dragged in.
I would go with no, sorry,. Hope you enjoy your birthday

With other bakers , she might just go to....'can you sort that , I dont know anything about other bakers'
It really does seem , NO , as a complete sentence is the most fitting response

Hoppinggreen

I would go with no, sorry,. Hope you enjoy your birthday

Oh my, I think this is the one, think I am almost ready to do it. Seems like the only one which doesn't leave me open to MORE from her.
Thank you so much everyone, really appreciate your thoughts on this , Much love ppl xx

If you want something to add to your "no", I've found "sorry, no, I don't have the time" is a much more effective way of ending the interaction than "not able to". Obviously don't explain why you don't have the time. ("Because staring vacantly into space is a better use of my time than lifting a finger to help you" being the honest answer!)

Why? It’s a lie. You don’t appreciate it at all.

Oh gosh, just ‘no’ on repeat. Some people are very thick skinned and persistent. Trying to soft pedal can open the door to reasons why you should make the cake. It’s like dealing with cold call sales people. Ice the word ‘no’ on the person’a forehead if you have to!