Whats the best/diplomatic/kind yet firm answer to this manipulation?

[lovenotwar149]

I have been asked to bake a cake for a relative's b'day. It's a big milestone b'day btw. Short back story....
In line with FIRM boundaries for over 2 yrs now, they know I wont come to this event. I have maintained low contact for a year with them now, after no contact before this.Things are civil, certain topics will not be discussed with me anymore, they know this and don't go there anymore.
This request is a manipulation, and I am proud of myself to be able to see that clearly now with no ill feeling towards this person for asking this of me. Its not a surprise! (Wow,the progress is showing in myself!)
I want to remain civil, this person does not like NO ....at all.
What's the best answer ppl? I'm not making the cake fyi.

Just say you are unfortunately unable to do this. No reason needed to be given and if you are pushed keep saying no. And stick to it regardless of push back from anyone who may feel you are unfair. I have a relative like this, sister, so understand how stressing it can be when the love bombing and manipulation happens. Stick to you, as ones you make that cake, which I hope you dont do, the individual will be awful to you, always.

I think less metaphorical icing is needed on this cake. "I won't be able to, sorry. I haven't used them myself but I hear X Bakery or Y Person are good locally."

You could also get very good at non-answers if you feel that you absolutely must answer. Never explain or give a solid reason for anything as people who ask why are often just looking for ways to dismiss or work around the excuse.
Relative "WHYYYYYY"
You <wait at least three days to reply> "Oh, so many reasons"
Relative "Give me the reasons"
You <wait another three days> "You know how it is"

Keep it simple, 'No I can't' on repeat as necessary.

Don't engage with anything else. They don't need to know why you can't, there is no need for discussion because its not a negotiation.
Any further conversation about recommendations or anything draws you in, don't get involved.

Do not JADE ie justify argue defend or explain your decision re no. Just say no its not possible and leave it at that. Any further response to these disordered of thinking is the reward as they know they have you then.

Ignore any and all flying monkeys that may be further sent in by this person to do their bidding for them as they have their own agenda and not your best interests at heart.

Thanks again ppl for further replies. since that message I sent ,I have received 2 calls from them, no surprise. I didnt answer , and I am not going to. I am definitely making progress. Further progress to go I know, but heading in the healthiest direction for myself. I feel safe and 'reasonably settled' within, that feels good. :)

Well done @lovenotwar149

I got to the point with my sister that when I heard her husband had died, I didn't contact her or travel 500 miles to the funeral.

Good response, OP. I also like 'I can't help, sorry'. I really don't like excuses such as 'too busy'. A person with boundary issues will argue the toss.

Your post made me think of this 🤣

You sold your cooker and only if they ask, you use a pressure cooker instead so aking is imposible.

So *baking is impossible

Well done OP! Well done for putting yourself first and not letting them in. It's hard, but each time you do something like this it'll get easier, and one day they won't affect you at all. I'm so proud of you!

I always find that " this doesn't/wouldn't work for me, sorry!" or " no, I'm sorry, I can't manage that" are two answers that make things clear and are hard for people to argue with.

OP- having been in a similar situation I would suggest that you consider just 'mentioning' to a few of the other people who will be at the party that you had been asked to make a cake but have had to let the person know that you can't do that. Depending on your relationship with the others (and whether they the LC person is likely to be able to manipulate them) you could either be honest and say you were asked but you don't want any involvement, or just 'happen to mention in conversation' that you're not making a cake.

This will prevent the LC person from being able to either tell people that you were going to do it but let them down at the last minute, or go without a cake and then pretend to be upset because they thought you were making one.

Well done. I wouldn't go down the road of recommending alternatives, you're just laying yourself open, which is the opposite of what you're trying to achieve.

Short and to the point, I'm not going to be able to do that for you, but wish you well.

On repeat.

These really are wonder words. I've used them a couple of times and the tumbleweed reaction while they try unsuccessfully to formulate a reason why you should want to is great. Not been asked why I don't, because actually, they know and don't want to hear it.

Answer why with - it’s a lot of work and I don’t want to.

Well done OP, and stay strong to further attempts at manipulation....

I wouldn't say that. It’s not true - you don't appreciate them asking.

Sorry, just seen updates.

Well done, OP! Hope firm. You don't need to answer calls or answer follow up questions on message. Leave on read.

In this situation I always channel Phoebe

Your response was perfect!

as you’ve worked out, pointing them to other bakers, or shops that sell nice cakes, so trying to help them solve the problem, makes it partially your problem to solve.

I am so glad you have said no and not answered the calls OP

I have just remembered what my mother used to say to me when I asked her for something that wasn't essential but I wanted her to do it.
She would say, Oh No, I've got a bone in my leg!
And I would say What!
And on it would go with me eventually giving up!

I did it with my children too, in response to the umpteenth request for me to get them a drink they were totally able to get themselves!

(PS to say my mam was a really soft hearted mother and so was I but this little ritual always made us smile. 😊 Maybe not in the teen years!)